Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Hello, all.


Guest James Mob

Recommended Posts

Guest James Mob

Hello, all. My name is James. Rather, that is my desired name. I was born Amanda. I realized something amazingly ironic recently that never occurred to me before about my birth name. Throughout my life, many of my peers would joke about my name and how funny it sounded, saying, “A man, DUH!”. Well… I thought it was hilarious, anyway. I only just remembered all those old years of joking about a week ago and I got the biggest kick out of it once I did.

I am a FTM and just last Saturday I turned nineteen. I’ve actually rewritten this introduction several times because each time that I have tried writing it I have ended up writing seven to eight pages. Lol. This time I am going to keep it short and attempt to keep it under a page.

I’ve always felt like a boy inside, and my earliest memories are from when I was four years old. There was a long time period in my life in which I attempted to suppress those feelings as best as I could. In the end, during my second semester of my senior year of high school, it roared up with a vengeance and I could no longer ignore it as it grew out of control. At that point I researched my feelings, and after a month of confusion and coming to terms with myself and who I truly was I finally accepted myself. I came out to my best friend about my feelings first, and while she has supported me I think it must have baffled her the most since I had flat out denied such feelings before.

Of course… she would only be the most baffled if you did not count my psychotic, abusive family that I happily escaped from half a year ago. I’ve done a lot of growing up during the past year that I have been out of high school which was also roughly around the same time period that I accepted my gender dysphoria.

Most of what I struggled with then no longer burdens me now—such as feeling like a total freak, which came in different stages. After getting past feeling like a freak for my gender dysphoria, I felt like a freak amongst the transgender population for being a gay FTM as well as the gay population for being a transsexual. Upon further research, after I discovered that there were other gay transmen out there, that was dispelled as well.

I still become deeply upset for being pre… well, just about everything. But I can usually keep myself intact by doing what it is that I can now. Wearing a binder has helped to calm my anxiety immensely, and it gives me an amazing boost of confidence whenever I put it on.

What still bothers me the most is something difficult to admit, and that is the feeling that no one could love someone like me and that even if they could they couldn’t actually handle being my partner. It’s something I’ve always been insecure about and I’m certain that it stems from far more than being transgender, although it is the biggest factor in what I feel would keep someone from wanting to be with me.

I enjoy playing sports, even though I know almost nothing about most of them. Basketball, soccer, football, and tennis are all sports that I would love to actually take part in. Unfortunately, I have no one that I can partake in any of those activities with. On the other hand, I absolutely adore stuffed animals... and I would have to say that my biggest passion in life is writing.

My reason for joining this forum is so that I can support others while also finding support myself, and to—if I’m lucky—make some friends.

Link to comment

Hi James,

Welcome to Laura's Playground! You've found the right place! You'll find that you're not alone, and that you'll be able to learn from those who've gone ahead of you, and help those who are behind you too.

I understand that feeling you're talking about: That, "how can I ever be attractive when I'm trans?" conversation in your mind You know, every guy has those same insecurities? It's just the way we're wired. I used to attend a support group that included around 20 transmen. Me, as a transwoman? I could really appreciate what those guys were about! You undoubtedly have qualities that no cis-male could ever dream of - just a matter of making the best of what you have.

Well, this is the stuff of Laura's Playground... Learn what it is, grasp it, make it your own, live it! Fun stuff! I hope to see you around!

Love, Megan

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome, Enjoy, share and read. We are all helping ourselves as we help others. Odd but true. I like the a man duh. although i'm sure you prefer James.

Hugs and hope to hear more,

Charlie

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to the Playground, James. Nice to meet you! :)

I encourage you to read the forum threads that interest you, post anywhere you want, ask any questions, and we'll try to provide the best answers we can. I do ask all our new members to please read the Site Terms and Conditions, as they are an important reason this place is safe and pleasant for everyone.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
Guest Mia J

Hello James and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you with us on the forums.

Thanks for the wonderful introduction. That was not too long at all.

Growing up this way we all feel like we are freaks at times or even most of the time.

Understand that you will not be considered a freak here because you are among others just like you.

Look around and post when you are ready.

Mia

Link to comment
Guest miss kindheart

Hi James,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

Link to comment

Welcome James to Lauras Playground:

I'm beginning to believe that your Texas weather has migrated north to Missouri. I hope you are staying cool. I'm done with playing in the heat and am settleing down. We are all glad to welcome you and hope that you enjoy the Playground as much as we do. We work hard to keep it a safe and sane place where people struggling with Gender issues can meet in a commmunity and find support and information. So look around, and when you are ready jump in and express whatever is on your mind. Kathryn

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 229 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • Ashley0616
    • Heather Shay
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.1k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,094
    • Most Online
      8,356

    gizgizgizzie
    Newest Member
    gizgizgizzie
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Angelo christoper
      Angelo christoper
      (38 years old)
    2. Joslynn
      Joslynn
      (61 years old)
    3. Kaltia_Atlas
      Kaltia_Atlas
    4. Rika_Lil
      Rika_Lil
      (40 years old)
    5. Summerluv
      Summerluv
      (19 years old)
  • Posts

    • April Marie
      Welcome to the forums, giz! We’re so happy you found us. You’ll find lots of information and many wonderful people here. Each of us is unique but we all share similarities as well. Look around, ask questions and join in where you feel comfortable!
    • Heather Shay
      NPR tiny desk winner 2024 - REALLY ENJOYED - simple song with wonderful melody, retro sound, reminds me of Billy Preston....  
    • Heather Shay
      What is happiness for you?
    • Birdie
      Funny.....   The day-centre transportation director told me yesterday morning that I was to receive an award, my picture on the website, etc... for having won the billiards tournament (I knew better).   Later that afternoon he returns to "shake my hand" and tell me, "thanks for participating."   I could have told him that was all I would receive earlier. I'm not well liked by management. 
    • Heather Shay
      Feelings are joyful as happiness spreads.
    • Heather Shay
      The Power of Feeling our Feelings: a story of joy and pain https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57cc4071725e25df3ef3c66a/1683051267452-AAZVC5ZJZ5E2XRBOOPRE/unsplash-image-rOKbmUbcOVg.jpg Does “joy” feel like a distant memory or an intangible experience for you?  Are you on the journey of seeking more joy in your life? Maybe you’ve found this blog, as in your healing journey, “more joy” is the beacon that gets you through the tough times, and you are fearlessly on the quest to learn more about trauma, anxiety and depression and how to support a more joyous life. If that sounds like you, then welcome, this post is for you, and if that doesn’t feel like you that’s okay too, I invite you to stay for a story. Let me tell you a story about a woman named Ellie who came to therapy with the goal of “wanting to feel more joy + lightness in her life”. She sat on the couch across from me…she was so eternally wise, and self-aware. She had worked so hard to get to this place of understanding herself, but she still felt stuck and nowhere closer to her joyful, fulfilled life. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57cc4071725e25df3ef3c66a/1684948947151-PH97YWGUXYF7JJT25K1I/image-asset.jpeg She came back session after session, explaining her struggles and breaking down the gritty details of who she was, until one day I said, I paused her again in attempts to help her connect more with her emotional experience, For the first time in her therapy experience, Ellie was still, she took a moment to check inside and find her sadness…she was really being with her emotional experience. Sometimes as humans we can be aware of feelings, but struggle to FEEL the feelings, tuning in to our emotions and letting them take up space. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57cc4071725e25df3ef3c66a/1684949533886-EOI9VPKBEQ2EZHERTYT1/image-asset.jpeg All of a sudden she felt her throat getting tighter, her heart sinking, and tears welling up in her eyes. She said, as she began to cry, “ yeah I feel so sad because…” I so ever gently interrupted her again “hey Ellie it’s okay, can we just let the sadness be there, it's SO important why, and also its SO important to just feel, so just feel sad my dear”. Ellie, hearing this, felt her shoulders drop and soften in surrender, and spent the next minute or so letting her tears flow, crying, and being guided by me, to find support in her own breath and the pillows and blankets on the couch. This somatic release, was exactly what she needed. She cried, while I held space, providing compassionate support and company, until Ellie felt a huge sense of relief wash over her body and exclaimed “woah that felt so cathartic, I feel lighter”.  I cracked a very stereotypical nerdy therapist joke and Ellie let out a HUGE chuckle, beginning  to laugh deep into her belly, and that feeling of lightness transformed into a moment of JOY! Could it be? Ellie settled into a feeling of calm after her chuckle with me and asked, “What just happened? For a moment there I felt so light and wow, I really laughed. Is that joy? How is that possible?” I then began to share a bit of on emotions…."Let me explain the connection between our pain and joy. They might be more connected than you think!” Emotions are an integral part of the human experience. They provide us with valuable information about ourselves and our environment, and they can motivate us to take action or change our behavior. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57cc4071725e25df3ef3c66a/1684950220510-2BYGYE4A5XKZODNS2I0Y/image-asset.jpeg However, it is common for people to try to avoid or suppress emotions such as sadness, anger, and fear.  They may try to explain it away, finding logical and “cognitive” ways to cope with the pain…. While this may seem like a reasonable strategy to avoid discomfort, it can actually have negative consequences, including a reduced ability to feel positive emotions. Our emotions are interconnected and interdependent, they are all processed in the same areas of the brain. The neural pathways that process pain are called the nociceptive pathways. The nociceptive pathways send signals to the brain's pain center, the somatosensory cortex, which processes the sensory information and generates the experience of pain.   However, the same neural pathways that process pain can also process pleasure and joy.  This is because the somatosensory cortex does not just process sensory information related to pain; it also processes sensory information related to other physical sensations, such as touch, temperature, and pressure. When we experience pleasure and joy, these sensory signals are processed in the same way as pain signals. However, instead of activating the pain center, they activate the brain's pleasure center. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57cc4071725e25df3ef3c66a/1684950865903-TQRJXIIXD3SHELV065QA/image-asset.jpeg This means that the same sensory channels in the brain can be activated by both pain and pleasure, but the experience we have depends on which part of the brain is activated. When the pain center is activated, we experience pain, and when the pleasure center is activated, we experience pleasure and joy. Pain and joy are actually closely related to each other, cousins if you will! In other words, our emotional experiences are not isolated events, but rather a complex and dynamic system of interrelated experiences. When we try to avoid or suppress our perceived negative emotions, we are essentially shutting down a part of our emotional experience. This can create a "numbing" effect, where we feel less overall emotion, both positive and negative.  This is because the brain processes emotions as a whole, so if we try to suppress painful or uncomfortable emotions, it can also reduce the intensity and richness of positive emotions. Research has shown that people who struggle to identify or express their emotions, particularly painful ones, often experience lower levels of overall emotional experience, including positive emotions. This is because our ability to experience positive emotions is dependent on our ability to process and regulate negative emotions. By suppressing negative emotions, we may be hindering our ability to fully experience positive emotions. _____________________________ So, to wrap up this short story with a nice bow… Ellie was able to FEEL into her sadness, thus allowing her to FEEL into the depths of her own experience of joy. She was activating “stuck” pain and moving through the experience, using those key areas of the brain, so her JOY was fully expressed as well. This is why….I extend an invitation for you to FEEL it all my dear, the heavy and awful, the light, and all the emotions in between. These different parts of us, make up who we are. If it feels too scary at first that's okay, maybe find a trusted friend or a therapist that can help support you in feeling safe  to express your emotions slowly, bit by bit, over time.  And If you are ready to lean into those heavier feelings, let them out, because the pain that you may be avoiding feeling, just might be the very thing you need to feel, to then welcome and unlock the feeling of JOY. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57cc4071725e25df3ef3c66a/1684950934538-PW47TOU8LXR9AINGG53F/unsplash-image-ktPKyUs3Qjs.jpg At Integrative Psychotherapy we help clients engage in therapy so they can feel more comfortable in their skin and befriend alllll their emotions.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • LucyF
      So I have started HRT and its been almost 3 weeks. Here are the changes I have seen so far:   week 1 - Hours after I started, it felt like a fog has lifted and I felt so much better about everything. Almost like I can now actually be happy. My skin is so less oily and so much smoother   week 2 - I have noticed that my senses seem to be more refined. I smell things I just didn't notice before. I can concentrate so much better. Its almost like going from video to and HD blue ray disc.   week 3 - ok, boobs are itching on and off and tiredness is setting in slightly. Still feel on top of the world.   Apart from that, my daughter (9 year old) is struggling at the moment. We are having open dialogue which is helping, and I am getting in touch with a child psychologist that will hopefully help.     Onwards and upwards.
    • VickySGV
      I want to hold back on this one until more solid information comes out.  The defendant is claiming it was accidental, but the Trans side is demanding a hate crime scenario which an accident would preclude.  Pardon the phrase, but as I read this folks are jumping the gun here.
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://www.advocate.com/crime/trans-teen-jazlynn-johnson-killed   This is a tragic ruination of two young lives.  It is very sad.  May Jazlynn rest in peace.   Carolyn Marie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, here's the big questions:  What does it mean to be masculine?  What does it mean to be a woman?    I've been around a lot of rule-bending in those areas.  There's all sorts of "traditional" views about what men and women do.  Men work on mechanical things, defend/protect, earn a living, play rough sports, etc.  Women cook and clean, are gentle and nurturing, value aesthetics over function, etc.   Yet, my very "masculine" industrial-manager husband cooks just as well as any Betty Crocker wannabe, and tells the bedtime stories that are most in-demand by the kids.  My GF, who is surely "ALL Girl" is a highly skilled mechanic, a street racer, was busily laying concrete while 6 months pregnant, and practices kenjutsu (Japanese sword fighting skills).  And me?  I'm AFAB but I'm infertile and I feel like I should have had a male body...yet I possess very little in the way of "manly" skills or desire to acquire them.  I'm in my boy form these days, but pretty much useless for accomplishing "boy stuff."     I think my family blew those definitions out of the water.  Yet, somehow our family structure is also religiously patriarchal....and happily so!  It'll bend your brain to try to figure that one out.    I'd say its just important to be you, do what you do best, and stick your tongue out at anybody who doesn't like it. 
    • JenniferB
      Welcome to the board gizgizgizzie! I sure can understand what dysphoria feels like. I found it stayed in my head during nearly all waking hours. Although, sometimes held in a little deeper. But it was triggered easily. I hope you can find that place you feel comfortable with yourself. This is a good place to find help as you traverse your journey.   Jennifer
    • VickySGV
      Welcome to the Forums @gizgizgizzie we have folks in your situations to talk to and share with. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...