I Never Thought This Would Be Me

[Guest Maci]

I'm 39 years old and I'm a drug addict. I sometimes stay up for days using and when I start to crash and come down, I'm the most dangerous to myself. The shaking, the sick feelings of guilt, the self loathing, the lonelyness are enough to make me want to kill myself. The problem is I'm too much of a coward to do it myself or I wouldnt be here writing this. I'm on a path of self destruction. I spend 95% of my time isolated and locked away in my room. I'm almost at the end now and I've surpressd most of my feelings. I just don't want to feel anything any more ever again.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Maci,

Realizing and admitting that you have a problem is an important step to recovery. This website might be worth having a look at.

http://www.alladdictionsanonymous.com/

IT also might be worth your while to visit our chat site. We have trained counselors there that can talk to you about your problems. You'll need to re-register for the chat as it is a seperate entity from the forums but you can still use your forum ID and password. You'll also need to have the latest version of JAVA. Give it a try. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[Guest Shannon Marie]

Maci,

I know what you are going through must be very difficult sweetie but you just can't give up. You may feel terrible and hopeless right now but you do still feel, you are still here, and you still have a chance to make a change.

We all suffer disappointments, failures, and loss. We all have obstacles to overcome. Although some of these things may seem insurmountable, they aren’t as long as we continue to fight. We get out of bed every morning and we take a few steps, giant steps or baby steps; the distance we move is of no consequence as longs as we continue to move forward. Some days will be good days and we will make significant progress while other will be less productive but as long as we do not give up we still have a chance, and opportunity to make a better life.

Now I'm not saying everything will be perfect but things always work out. Perhaps it will be what you want and perhaps not, but things will work out. Regardless of the outcome, if you keep trying the opportunity to reach your goal is always there.

You have taken a step just by coming here to get your feelings out. Now you have to work on your next step even you have no more strength to take one now you should think about the next step even if it is a small one. Make a phone call to a friend or a family member. If there is no one close to you, make a call to a hotline that can help you find help in your area. Help is out there hon, it really is but unfortunately it doesn’t come looking for you. You need to find the strength to ask for the help you need.

I am certainly no expert here but I, like many others I suspect, have faced plenty of obstacles in my life and continue to face them each day. I try not to let them get me down but sometimes they do anyway. In fact a lot of the time they bring me down but I refuse to stay down. There is always a next step; you just need to take it. If I can do it, I know you can. You may not feel like you can right now but I know you can do it.

Good luck sweetie and please remember you are not alone. Helps is out there.

*Hugs*

Shannon

[Guest LauderdaleLady]

I'm 39 years old and I'm a drug addict. I sometimes stay up for days using and when I start to crash and come down, I'm the most dangerous to myself. The shaking, the sick feelings of guilt, the self loathing, the lonelyness are enough to make me want to kill myself. The problem is I'm too much of a coward to do it myself or I wouldnt be here writing this. I'm on a path of self destruction. I spend 95% of my time isolated and locked away in my room. I'm almost at the end now and I've surpressd most of my feelings. I just don't want to feel anything any more ever again.

Dear Maci,

Please, get help!! Call 911, they can get you in touch with NA and other resources in your area. The first thing that you have to address in your drug addiction. You know that you need to quit. You also know that you can not do it alone. There are resources just a phone call away. I don't know what city or town you are in, but I am sure that there are resources in your area. MAKE THE CALL!!

--Janet

[Sally]

Maci,

I'm no expert on addiction, but it seems that you want this cycle to end. I am just suggesting that you seek counciling to end the addiction, not your life. Admitting that you are an addict is the first step - you have taken it already, the second is wanting to stop the addiction - you've taken that one too. You are ready to accept and benefit from professional help. You have the opportunity to turn your life around and head into a bigger, brighter world than the tiny dark space that you have been occupying. Let someone help you to help yourself. You have your life, the greatest possesion of all - cling to it, it is worth saving!

Stay with us and one day you will look back at this time as the turning point that started your new life!

We all love you and support you in any way we can.

Hugs and love,

Sally

[Guest Jodytg]

Hi Macy I hope you read Mary Ellens post. For myself I went down that road also. No fun and no fair to you or anyone else. I to thought I was to big of a coward to off myself,but I actually knew somewhere deep inside that I was brave enough to make it out of this life on my own terms. That was 27 years ago. I am still living because I made a deal with myself. If it ever got worse than it was at the moment of cocking the gun than I could do it. It has never gotten that bad again...close but never that bad. Don't let life kill you. Live to die on your own terms not because you got run over by circumstance pain suffering and self loathing. Fight the SOBs in your head and you will win in the long run.

I believe since you had the courage to write to us here you have the courage to get through one more day. Maybe just one more minute which is where I had to start. it is still surprising to me that getting through one minute got me through 27 years.

Good luck

I sure hope I haven't written anything that would hurt you more than you already are.

Sincerely wishing you victory over the demons.

Jody

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi Maci,

MaryEllen makes THE single most valid point you'll ever come across dear...get help for the addiction...PLEASE. You'll be surprised when, after having come to term(s) with it, you discover how strong you really are. As long as you wander around in the haze it's impossible to acknowledge just how wonderful, mysterious and just plain wacky this life on the Third Stone From the Sun is. The sunlight is a really nice place to wander around in...I can get lost in it with the greatest of ease...mostly it just makes me feel good. The beach is a great place to sort things out...the waves lapping up on the shore, the darn seagulls trying to take away my sandwich, other people just going about their lives and having fun and the Sun revealing everything for what it is...the most amazing amusement park I've ever been to. It's a never ending adventure! Take care Maci there's LOTS of really nice people here. Hugs, Kelly Ann

[Guest Arbon]

Hi Maci

Welcome to the forum. You need some help, soon (you sound a lot like me at one time). I hope you will reach out and find it. There are 12 step fellowships just about everywhere and on-line, and other programs, rehaps, counseling, whatever it takes to get out of the hole. I have been there to! What finally got me into sobriety was not being able to do myself in, but going on living like that was far to painfull. There had to be a solution, and I had to find. It was not that far away either. But I had to be willing to reach out for the help.

Welcome to the this forum, and hope you hang in there and find some help.