Mom's. How Did Your Mom React?

[Guest Kurai]

It wasn't easy, to tell your mom something like this of course. You don't just walk up to her "Hey mom, i want to be a boy!" No, unfortunatly not that easy. I came out of being bisexual about a year before. My friends knew, most of them.

The one's that lived far away, across the sea.

They helped me go for it. At the time i had a boyfriend, a ftm as well. He gave me strength to do this. Your mom loves you the way you are right?

So, i sat on the couch, fumbling and nervous like hell. I asked her to sit with me for abit. When i ask that, it's mostly something big i wish to share.

So, my mom was getting nervous as well. Like always it's hard for me to say what i feel, i rarely do so. I blurted it out. She seemed shocked, counting to ten, to get her thoughts together. After her shock died down, she told me, she didn't think i was. I was probably getting influenced by my boyfriend. I told her wrong, he gave me the strength for this.

After talking abit about this and that she told me; "You are my child, if it turns out you are a Transgender, i will support you." That, was a relief.

Though now, almost 5 months or maybe even 6 months later. I still see she's having a hard time with this. She doesn't want a son, but a daughter. I will not be miserable. If she wants me to be happy, which i know i will be, when all of this is behind me, she will be happy in the end as well.

Phew, so that was my mom. How about yours? Perhaps your dad?

[Sally]

My mom took it about the same (she has two children - one of each she thought). She is sure that I am not, because I was really good at pretending for 57 years! She said she will still love me, but whenever we are alone she tries to point out things that 'prove that I am wrong'. Everyone knows what you feel and think, so they know what is best for you.

As for my dad, we just aren't telling himm until it is absolutely necessary, as he approaches 90 (rapidly) he is less tolerant than ever of anyone who isn't just like him.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Courtney Hamilton]

I actually told my mother years ago how I felt when I was about 27 or so, she blew me off by telling me it was just a phase I was going though. Well if thats true it's been a 31 year phase. I'm going to talk to my therapist to see how I should go about telling her again cause i'm sure its going to be coming up again soon.

[Guest eshaver]

Humm............ don't ya'all take this wrong but some of the most (admired to me at least ) women in Texas were the ones who were also well adapted at acting masculine when the need was there . I dated a police woman who in one moment was a Gun-totin Anne Richardson , God Bless her too to a beautiful Texas flower! sadly right after an accident we moved away from each other and she sadly became paralyzed too. I would so much love to know how she is today and how she and her two daughters are doing too.

Seems like in Texas women are just brought up to be both masculine and feminine . I just don't understand it when women there do actually come out and tell their male counter parts that they are indeed trans ! I for one respect Texas women for being independent and able to stand for what they know is the truth!

Ellen Shaver

[Guest Evan_J]

Hmmm. Before I do "how my mom reacted" I'm gonna try to explain (at least for me) why a Texas genetic female would need to transition. I did indeed read all that you said Ellen and it seems that you're thinking "since theres a freedom to be masculine, why do you need to transition?" The answer is that it isn't about being masculine. It actually is about a physical state; needing to feel/ see hair on your face, an adams apple in the mirror, "harder" bone structure under your skin that is not "beautiful" but instead "harsh" by comparison. Most of the world "can't imagine trading the pleasant features" but the "pleasant features" are very UNpleasant when they contradict the way the person envisions themself to truely be in their minds eye. A vision that is irregarding of pleasantness or unpleasantness but rather simply "true". And identified in the world as "man". Does it make more sense? I can be, and have been "masculine" all day but still want to kill myself when I don't see those physical demarkations that are part of what I really am.

Anyway...mom.....

Mine is still "going through it". She's been "going through it" (albiet without explicitly knowing it) for 16 years lol. In her conscious mind -that is, since I finally had to physically make the move- she's been going through it maybe 6 months. The last 3 months have been especially dramatic because thats when T got involved. And anybody who's transitioned knows that once you do anything medical its a whole new level of dramatic for parents. The biggest things (or is it "worse" moments?) for me were the ones where it was like she was "suffering" horribly; saying things like "you're taking everything away from me", "you're taking EVERYTHING". At times switching between "you're taking" and the word "everything" being emphasised. Sometimes it felt like she was making me out to be some "other" person, some male stranger, who came in and was the enemy, to be fought, that was trying to take something from her. Other times it was just as if I was some HORRIBLE kid who cared not a thing about their mother and was cruel and unfeeling while she was suffering. Somehow I've survived.

Right now, she's "better". At least in a better phase? She finally can discuss the fact that I'm not going to have the same name. Thats hard for her I can see. She.....is affected by the fact that I sound different but seems a little better also. Still isn't commenting on the hairs beginning under my chin. And hasn't said anything about changes in body shape even though all my clothes fit better. I guess we're taking it as we go along.

[Guest Tabe]

My Mom killed herself.

You think "Haha, very funny," right?

I'm dead serious.

My father, however, is completely accepting. He's the first person I told, and continues to be my #1 supporter. The rest of my family is completely accepting as well.

All in all, a good coming out. Better than I expected, to be sure.

[Guest Drew]

My Mom killed herself.

You think "Haha, very funny," right?

I'm dead serious.

i'm really sorry to hear that ....but it's great that you have your dad's full support ( <- really lame attempt to be positive)

well, my mother is not an accepting person at all....she doesn't talk to me (which at the moment is for the better), she sends me make-up samples and pamphlets about breast enhancement , she made me dress like a woman for a family member's wedding *gags*, she turned an ex-girlfriend on me (wasn't ex at the time...), she barges into my home unannounced to lecture me about my "poor choices" (not so much anymore though) and when i attempted suicide the first time (i was really young) she said, and these were her exact words, "better dead than a crazy drug induced, surgically mutilated, liberal (what?), freak of nature". ...so yeah, i kinda strongly dislike my mother......

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Drew...Tabe...anything...anytime, Kelly Ann

[Guest Silver]

I...am starting to feel a bit guilty that my mom took it well compared to a lot of other people parents. She was all 'I'll love you no matter what' and stuff at first, but now...I don't know. I get mixed messages. She makes no effort to use gender neutral words (at least around me) when talking about me. If I get even a bit upset, she freaks out and starts yelling at me to give her e break (I want to scream I DON'T GET A BREAK EITHER). She bought me clothes I actually wanted, but made it as awkward as she could and stated clearly that she disliked EVERYTHING I tried on. For Christmas, she bought me a ton of feminine, girlie things that I didn't even get before coming out. I'm depressed as hell, and she throws the blame and random other things. I guess she's in that 'it-must-be-a-phase' phase. . Suuuuuure.

Whatever. She hasn't disowned me or anything, so I guess I'm just expecting too much. I just HATE mind games.

Sorry I was rambling for a while there.

[Guest Zabrak]

Mines accepting and I know I'm lucky for that. My step dad, sis, bro, boyfriend and friends all accepted me right away, pretty much. A little trouble in the SO part on certain things(like SRS) but its good now. My grandma took it hard at first, but now shes fully supportive and shes willing to talk about it and wants to call me my male name and for me to come out to more extended family. I guess everyone noticed something was different about me, more then I thought they did.

NEVER TRUST THE QUIET SCI-FI NERD THAT SITS IN THE CONNER...

[Guest mia 1]

All in all Zabrak and Silver consider your selves two lucky dudes. You both have it good. Back in the early 60's my mom knew I was a cross dresser, and my dad used to kid me about me wearing my mom's sweaters on dates, can you believe that.

"You keep wearing your mom's clothes you're going to grow a pair." Is what he said and then he woild laugh and pinch my butt.

Can you imagine that, we're talking before either of your parent's were even born. So accepting back in the days of black&white T.V. was way amazing.

So yeah I am in the opposite direction, ut you fet the parallels don't you? God luck to you both and Drew and Tabe also on your more difficult road of acceptance....Mia.

[Guest leo]

first of all my mum said she basically already knew when i discussed it with her

now she thinks im doing it just to be different and to take some control in my life

so i realli dont no

she was like first your gay and now you wona be a boy which is it?!

i was like i wona be a boy

[Guest CharliTo]

My mom knew I had to tell her something...but she didn't know what it was so she braced herself as I tried to manage to come out...as if she was holding on...

...and when i finally told her I have gender identity disorder (I told her it in that way cuz...well, that's the most 'acknowledged' way to call it) and that I confirmed things with a therapist and myself for a while now...

She cried a lot. For 3 days I think. She really thought it was her fault for giving me birth the way I was born...which I tried my hardest to have her believe it's not....but I could tell she always had this feel like it was her no matter how much I tried to convince her.

Until the last few hours of her death, she was still worried if I was going to grow up fine...in fact, once I told her something like "I think I said it before, but I'll put it in a better way...I don't hate you for how I am born...in fact, I am very glad I was born as your child," ....she passed away in less than an hour.

I mean, even though she had guilt over it, she was very supportive of my transgender issues and I am so very thankful I had that support.

[Guest Christy.dancer]

I was "lucky"... if you can call 4 years of therapy "lucky". I'd been (mis-) diagnosed as attention deficit disorder and depressed in middle school, and in counseling since then. I'd already come to grips with being gay, but it was clear that "gay" didn't get at the heart of it. So, after a LOT of conversation around and around and around the subject, I finally "came out" with my counselor/therapist (I'm still not sure the difference, ya know?). We called Mom in at the end of the session, and I basically outlined what I'd learned to her. She was... relieved? She actually joked about it -- said she'd always kinda known she had two daughters (rather than a daughter and a son). She said she understood the challenged ahead of us, but if this brought me peace (which is does!!!!), then she's totally with me.

Since then, she's totally been my supporter. She bought me my first real girl clothes (up to this point, a lot of my clothes had been androgenous -- I really didn't dress that much like a boy. Picture your typical semi-punk girl, and that was me. Hayley Williams and EARLY -- pre-makeup -- Avril Levigne were role models for the way I dressed. Lots of jeans and t-shirts). My sister is a year and a half older and a little larger than me, so she's loaned me a few things. Home life has been hugely fun -- instead of being the younger brother in what is basically a female-centric household, now I feel like I'm part of the sorority.

[Guest Martin]

My mother took it very well. She was a little shocked and was supportive anyway. She did blame herself some, but I did my best to explain that it wasn't her fault. My mother did out my to my siblings before I was ready to tell them; luckily, nothing bad came out of it. At first she wanted me to pay for everything myself, but when I asked her to explain what aspects of my health care she would still pay for (I was under 18 and dependent on my parents), she slowly understood. Eventually she paid for therapy (until I was eighteen), T (until I was eighteen), and top surgery (although I was already 18). I was on my own for the legal name change (because she didn't view it as medically necessary) and for bottom surgery (because I now I'm over eighteen by several years; she is willing to take care of my while I'm recovering). Furthermore, she signed papers that allowed me to change my name and start T while I was under eighteen and came along when I came out to the school to give me her support.

[Guest Leah1026]

Well I'm a little older than most of you.....

I didn't come to acceptance of my birth condition until I was 41. By then I was married (unhappily) and had 2 children. My ex didn't take the news well and we were divorced in less than 4 months. Before they filed for divorce they threatened to call my family and bad mouth me. After this threat I took it upon myself to call my family immediately and the first person I talked to was my Mom. After some hemming and hawing I finally spit it out and explained my need to transition. My Mom for her part said "Do whatever you have to do to be happy". If anyones ever seen "Beautiful Daughters" the experience was like the one Val described involving her Mom. You can watch the video at LOGO on-line or download it from iTunes. Anywho, my Mom's words fortified me for the journey ahead.

That was 6 years ago. Since then my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2 years ago and in the last 6 months with multiple myeloma (cancer). She doesn't remember much of anything from the last 5 years, here near-term memory is shot. She doesn't see me when I visit, her memory of my transition is gone. My Dad is slowly becoming her only link to the world. Despite that I love my mother and continue to visit weekly. It the least I can do for the woman who gave me life TWICE. First, when I was born. And again 6 years ago, when her caring words were just what I needed when my old life was collapsing around me.

I love you Mom!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

My parents died before I had a chance to tell them. I have no chance of knowing how they would have reacted. I would hope they would have accepted me and wanted only for me to have resolution and peace in my life.

I will never know.

I sometimes wish I had them here and they hated me, rather than not have them at all.

Liz

[Guest amie]

I gotta tell yu, My Momma and I have went round and round over most everything there is to go round about.

She's rilly been hard on me over a zillion different things and on a few of those occasions, rilly broke my heart.

But if she's ever done anything to make me love her, it's how she accepted me when I came out to her.

Her reaction rilly served to rectify, or at least make me look over, so many hurtful things she's done to me.

I now feel a love for that lady I thought I'd never know.

Make no mistake, it's far from a Carol and Marsha Brady relationship, but now quite pleasant in comparison to what it was before.

[Guest Little Sara]

My mother was first sort of accepting, when it was all theoric. I told her a year before I went full-time.

After a while, and I sought hormones, she became more distant, in part due to her boyfriend of the time (she's no longer with). But she had her own bias as well.

Once I was ready to go full-time, she refused to see me.

I gave her an ultimatum that she would see me now, or never again.

We saw each other some, like every weekend when I got evicted. I was in a homeless shelter and passed my weekends at her place (save for sleeping). The atmosphere of the shelter wasn't to my liking.

A month later, she accepted to have me live with her again, and gradually accepted me as her (only) daughter. It took about a year until she fully accepted me. It's been 3 years since I've been living with her again now.

[Guest CharlieRose]

My mom's been actually pretty great. She's had some issues, both my parents did, but my mom is a lot more open about talking about it and just, nicer about it than my dad. My dad has kind of ignored it. My mom suggests guy clothes for me now when we go shopping and stuff. It's nice.

[Guest Zack L]

Things with my Mother haven't been so great. Since Freshman year I've been trying to figure out what was wrong with me, I thought it was that I was bi or gay. So I flipped around with those for a few years until I finally figured it out. And now she thinks it's a phase. She's convinced that I took 1+1 and got 37 somehow, and that I'm dead wrong. She continually tells me I'm just a butch lesbian and that I'm lying to myself and everyone I meet by doing this. She's forbidden me from doing a physical transition until I'm 21, says I'm not mature enough (Yeah. Cause that'll stop me. ). She's very insulting about it. I talked to her the other night, trying to make her understand yet again and nearly begging her to call me Zack and use he. I was like "I've given you 6 months to get used to this, to start to adjust and you've made ZERO progress." And I received "I've known you as my daughter Jenna for 18 years, 6 months is not going to change that." Another things she says alot is "I've been around you 18 years, I know who you are and how you think." How can she possibly know me better than myself? How can she know when I don't even TALK to her?

Sorry, /endrant. It's just...breaking me a bit every day. I need to get out of here.

*headdesk*

On the bright side, I'll hopefully be out in a week!

[Guest Felicia Anne]

gee... let's see...

my father was annoyed, thinking that it was a childhood phase that i should have outgrown.

my mother cried for days, stopping only long enough to sternly yell that i will lose everyone and everything i ever loved forever because of my wishes to be a woman.

that was fifteen years ago. i never broached the subject with them since.

[Guest julia_d]

My parents are long dead. They were horrid to me as a child so as a result there was a period of nearly 20 years where I had no contact with them at all.

After my father died I tried to make peace with my mother.. she was very "whatever, it's your life to mess up how you like".. but.. she did then write to me using my proper name, so some sort of acceptance at last. It didn't last long, she died within months and there was another awkward family funeral where I got to do my goth performance again XD

I learned through my life that parents are just other people. They aren't important in the scheme of things and I owe mine nothing. I am who I am because of me, not them.

[Guest KristieTS]

I was going to type a big post, but then the library's system logged me (my time had expired) in the middle of my post, ggrrrrr................ not that I didn't have enough warning Anyway.... my mom has not been supportive at all, she's said things such as the following:

"If you want to be a woman you should just give up trying to get custody of your son, so that you don't cause problems for him as he grows up"

"If you wanted to be a woman, why didn't you run off to some place like San Francisco when you were 18 and do your thing where you wouldn't affect family and friends, and the people we work with, instead of destroying your marriage and possibly wind up never seeing your son again?"

"People will just think you are disgusting, like that other guy in town that has a disease and is giving it to everyone else, and telling people that he is a woman".

And my dad? Sorry to hijack the thread, but he basically said "You just need to start acting normal, look and act like a man".

Funny how no love is strong enough when it comes to asking people to step out of their comfort zones. (rolls eyes)

[Guest Aleckzandre]

I was actually very blunt about it. I'd been giving her blatant hints for weeks, and I just said "Hey Mom, you know I'm a guy right"?

And she said she knew I was a girl but thinks I want to be a boy.

Then when we got home I showed her this site and explained it to her and she actually seemed to get it and accept it, but then after that she got really frustrated every time I mentioned it.

As for my dad, my mom told him so I'll never know how he reacted.