a bit about me

[Guest crissy_oakley]

This from an email, that I wrote to a friend in attempt to answer her questions. I thought I would share it with everybody here.

I wish I had the courage to do this, when I was 18 or younger. Growing up in rural America, there was not the support or access to the knowledge, that I craved. However, starting my transition at 43 has it own benefits and in many regards, I am glad I started later vice sooner.

It was very difficult growing up. I have always had feminine traits and my frame and facial structure, would lead to taunts when I was growing up, in early adulthood, and even now. Everybody (parents included) had suspicions I was gay. You wouldn't believe my parents relief when I introduced them to my first girlfriend. I guess technically I am gay, since I am sexually attracted to women and not men.

A memory of my childhood, resurfaced before I started HRT. During my adolescent fantasies, the earliest ones were of me, imagining I was a girl with another girl. Even though, I had no idea what a lesbian was. Later there where the fantasies of being penetrated, even though I had no understanding of homosexuality.

It wasn't until I stumbled upon the "Tula" issue of playboy and the "you are not alone" and "laura's closet" websites, when I knew I wasn't alone. There were people out there like me.

I am now starting to fully grasp the power of gender. I had no choice in this matter. I tried to ignore it and push it aside. I developed a personality which was not my own to hide who I really was, from the outside world. I was never honest with myself so I could never be honest with others. I can't even comprehend how many relationships and friendships were damaged or destroyed due to the aires I put on, to hide Christine.

I made my first baby steps back in 2005 but took a few steps backward. I made the decision in March 2011 that I was going to start the transition, before I went on my last deployment. When I returned in December 2011, I hit the ground running and I haven't looked back.

I have never thought as myself as transgender and I don't now. I see myself as a woman. I have mixed feelings about the whole trans/trans-man/trans-lesbian/trans-ect. ect. etc... While I would identify myself as a woman, I am only a woman psychologically and not physiologically.

Even after the hormones take full effect and I complete gender reassignment, it is only a cosmetic change. The real change is taking place between my ears. I need remove the vestiges of the damage to my psyche caused by years of denial, of who I am.

Yes, I do plan on, "going all the way". The hard part is having to wait until I retire, in two years.

[Guest rikkicd64]

Wow, Christine, very well put, you put my thoughts on this trans thing down perfectly, thanks hun.

Rikki....

[Guest crissy_oakley]

When I came out, the change in my personality was almost immediate. I am not sure I perceived the extent of the change but my friends did. How I see myself and how my friends see me, has been almost exclusively positive.

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Great story Crissy

Sounds like you are still on active duty. Good luck on Your plans Carolynn

[Guest crissy_oakley]

carolynn,

Thank you.

Yes, I am still on active duty. I decided I couldn't continue to make excuses, so I started my transition prior to retirement. SRS/GRS is going to be my retirement present.

[JJ]

After 18 months of transition I am surprised at how much of myself and my real personality I had suppressed. Some things are just now surfacing. And it does feel so very good to finally be free at last,

To be able to take the top off the bottle and let the fenie come out.

I hope your journey is as rewarding and fulfilling as well. It is a slow process so starting now will give you plenty of time before you retire. Many of us who had spent decades in denying our real needs feel this urge to rush headlong and I think having something to slow us down and put the brakes on a little is actually a bery good thing,

For all the angst and frustration I have found the journey itself to be a remarkable experience that has given me new life, I suspect it is the same for almost every one of us. You have good times ahead!

Johnny

[Carolyn Marie]

Very well written, and well thought out, Crissy. It is an extremely persuasive bit of writing. Congrats!

Congrats also on your plans, and your upcoming retirement, and thanks so very much for your service to America. Please do be careful not to reveal yourself to your superiors, as I'm sure you know that it is grounds for dismissal.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Sounds like a good retirment presant and it brings forth a interesting question. I was wondering if anyone was ever recalled from the fleet reserve after SRS? how would that work out

[Guest crissy_oakley]

carrolynn,

It is an interesting question. although, i would still be subject to the UCMJ, it is not illegal to transition MtF or FtM. Ifi were to come out to the military I would not be directly discharged to to transistioning. I would lose my clearance and since I wouldn't be able to perform my duties (due to a lack of security clearance), then I would be discharged. This is how the majority of discharges took place in the Navy and Marine Corps, that I was privy to, prior to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

If I were to be recalled from the fleet reserve, i suspect i would be "medically disqualified" and would not be able to obtain a security clearance.

[Guest carolynn2fem]

Most of the time I didnt need a security clearnce so I wasnt thinking about that aspect of it. being transfered to the fleet reserve as male and recalled as female would be interesting enough. would they give someone a medical discharge without benifits or increase your % of disability and leave your retirment status in tact?

[Guest crissy_oakley]

Carolynn,

Once I am retired I will be eligible for VA benefits, i.e. HRT, Therapy, etc... However, you are not eligible for disability due to Gender Dysphoria, so there would be no changes to what disability percentage, I am awarded by the VA. My retirement will not be threatened, unless I were to due something that was illegal.

If I were allowed to serve upon being recalled fro the fleet reserve, I think I would fight any attempt to be medically disqualified. There are only about 25 personnel in the Navy with my speciality and I would use factor in my appeal.

crissy