Transitioning And Depression/anxiety

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

For those of you who, like me, deal with depression and anxiety, maybe you could let me bounce a few thoughts off of you about life and transitioning...

I've been seeing a gender therapist for a couple months now and things are going really well in that department. I like my therapist and we've struck up a pretty good dialog. She's given me confidence to regularly dress comfortably among other things. We're currently in the middle of a personal inventory of who I am, relationships, gender, sexuality -- I suspect most of you know the routine. In a session or two I think we'll begin focusing in on areas of interest, e.g. places where I'm confused or unsure like SRS. Though it'll probably be a few months still before I can get on hormones. And the wait is starting to drive me nuts. I want start getting rid of this unwanted male crap so right now!

But then, sometimes I find myself really starting to question what exactly I want to do and how far I want to go. A lot of stuff is being unearthed with this personal inventory in therapy, so some doubt and emotionality is to be expected, but then the thought that I *can't* ever be accepted as a woman creeps into my head. Or maybe I will perpetually be denied hormones. These thoughts feel like absolute death. I have always felt totally awkward and unattractive as a male, but what if I end up feeling just as awkward as a woman even though I desperately want nearly everything that hormones can do. Sometimes I feel like I'm "stuck" between androgynous and female. There's nothing wrong with androgyny, but I feel just as uncomfortable in that role as I do in the male role. The only thing that feels right is being a woman because it's not a role, it's just me. But what if my body can never even come close to catching up with my self?

The thing is, I have a long history of depression and anxiety and I don't know how many of these thoughts are nonsense and how many are potential red flags. It's possible I'm just driving myself crazy with unnecessary worries -- which is what my therapist thought when we got to discuss this briefly earlier today. Still, I could use some advice and feedback from anyone who's actually *been* in this situation, i.e. a depressive trying to remain sane during pre-transition.

Thanks a bunch,

Emily

[Sally]

Emily,

you sound like me, over analyzing everything. You're afraid that you will never be accepted as a female - but you know that you need to be female. Do yourself a favor - put away any fashion magazines and turn off the television - they only show the 'best looking women' to insure good ratings. Go to a busy shopping mall, go to the food court and buy a large drink and maybe a sandwich or cookie - something to keep anyone from ondering why you are just sitting there. How many beautiful women do you see? Not all of them. How many average looking women? quite a few more. How many actually homely women do you see? A lot more than the beaustiful, it is a fact that all women are not beautiful, they are not all tall, short, thin, fat, shapely or even particularly feminine! We tend to set our sights on the Barbie Doll/Princes ideal - They are not real! GGs are going into therapy at very early ages because they can't live up to those standards!

Become the person that you must become and when you go out hold your head high and smile - you are a woman and a beautiful spirit, people will accept you and even like you if you truely accept and like yourself.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

Sally,

Over-analyzing? Guilty! Seriously, people close to me often have to remind me I'm doing it. And, furthermore, you're right, I guess I kind of am getting tunnel vision for that Barbie/princess ideal. Still though, I look at pictures here in the forum pictures thread and I see women who are definitively beautiful women and then I look at my broad shoulders and narrow thighs and I feel hopeless. Sometimes I feel like I need a completely new body, despite the impossibility of course.

Though, I'm trying to stay positive and so I'm keeping in mind what you said about the food court; it's so true. There are all types, I just need to be proud of my own. Thank so much for your positivity and kind words!

-Emily

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey, Emily.

First off...welcome to the playground..I was going to tell you about some of the wonderful people here,but, I see that you have already found that out!

I guess that a lot of us deal with this issue and Sally put it very nicely, as she is apt to do!

Stick around...you'll be suprised how much you can learn here...the talk really helps and some of the posts answer questions that you have not even thought of yet!

Hot coco for you.....

XXOO

Donna Jean

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

Donna Jean,

Thank you for the warm welcome! My anxiety keeps me from getting out more in the TG community in IRL, but it's been really great to find a friendly online community that's truly active. It's good to be around so many people who are going through what I'm going through.

Thanks,

Emily

[Guest CharliTo]

hmm, yeah, this sounds like me and i totally agree like people above me.

the best solution to keep yourself in check is bouncing ideas or talking with others....is there a support group around there?

I mean, I can now freely discuss w/ my friends about what i'm thinking...and it's always good to have peers keep you in check whether you're showing red flags or not...

The less you bottle up, the less you might be depressed...at least for me.

[Sally]

Emily,

Remember the girls that post their picture on here are very much like the GGs who post their pictures on my space - they are proud of how they look. If you look long enough - I hope that I don't offend any one - you will see one that in your mind you're going "what were they thinking?" They are the truely beautiful ones - they see themselves as female even if they don't look it to you. In a photograph their energy, spirit and self confidence don't come through. I have know some rather unattractive GGs who I would rather spend time with because of the person that they are.

We tend to be guilty of judging the book by it's cover and isn't that exactly what we came her to get away from? If you have broad shoulders and narrow thighs - you're a swimmer!

Love yourself and others will love you too.

Here's a great big hug,

Sally

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

hmm, yeah, this sounds like me and i totally agree like people above me.

the best solution to keep yourself in check is bouncing ideas or talking with others....is there a support group around there?

...

Well, at least I know I'm not alone. As much as these are feelings I don't wish upon others, I sure feel less abnormal encountering people who feel the same.

As far as a support group goes, I think that would be a very good idea. My therapist recommended it, but I drive a minimum of 90 minutes into Los Angeles just to see my therapist. I quite literally live in the desert. There's plenty of civilization out here, it's just not that civilized if you catch my drift. I'm thinking I'm going to have to bite the bullet and just drive a long distance to the nearest community (i.e. LA) even though that feels awkward. So yeah, I've got a kinda unique situation...

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

Emily,

Remember the girls that post their picture on here are very much like the GGs who post their pictures on my space - they are proud of how they look. If you look long enough - I hope that I don't offend any one - you will see one that in your mind you're going "what were they thinking?" They are the truely beautiful ones - they see themselves as female even if they don't look it to you. In a photograph their energy, spirit and self confidence don't come through. I have know some rather unattractive GGs who I would rather spend time with because of the person that they are.

We tend to be guilty of judging the book by it's cover and isn't that exactly what we came her to get away from? If you have broad shoulders and narrow thighs - you're a swimmer!

Love yourself and others will love you too.

Here's a great big hug,

Sally

Thank you, Sally, I *really* appreciated this. It's just really wise and grounded and what was best for me to hear right now. I hope other new users see this down the road. I'm not just saying that to be friendly; I get emotional and I get hung up on illogical concepts and I'm so happy to see that there are good people that can help filter out that bad logic.

I feel silly worrying so much about these things at my age sometime, but then I realize I've been hiding in this male body filling the role that was expected for so long that I haven't allowed myself time to stress about these things like most girls do when they're younger. But that's okay, because I'm not going to worry so much about what people think about me. Or at least that's my goal. I want so desperately to be pretty to everyone, but what does that mean really? The only meaningful stuff, I guess, begins and ends with how pretty I am to myself. Gah, it sounds so easy on paper!

Thanks again for giving me something positive to focus on. *hugs*

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I am late in jumping in here - unusual for me I guess. But your posting hit a big bell in my head.

Sally gave an EXCELLANT reply - so I suppose the main reason you posted has been addressed. Please remember women, like men, come in all shapes and sizes. As a woman you will be like you are already, but presenting as female. That is the key - in my opinion (and my therapist) to present as female.

ANXIOUSNESS - okay. put that aside for a while... think this through:

That is your homework assignment - how can you be more female - not feminine, that comes with it - female.

Ahah - HRT, possibly surgery - but definately

(1) body presentation. There are things that can be done to be more female in body presentation. The obvious is easy to understand (cosmetics, grooming, hair styling, smooth legs, nails) and you can do all that by now - but are you really seeing how a woman ACTUALLY does all that? Lose the stereotypes and watch how GG really present their bodies. Then there are the less easily accomplished body modifications (electrolysis, hair transplants, dieting),. Finally the costly, surgical body modifications (SRS, breast implants, facial surgery). But body presentation is mainly in the mind of the presenter on how far to go with modifications.

(2) body posture. There are things that can be done to be more female in body posture. This does not require dollars and surgery, but rather practice. Watch how women are. Be a woman.

(3) voice - ahha- a biggie. I am working on that. My post op mtf friend says allow at least two years of constant work and practice (you might be different depending on age and voice type). My therapist says I can do it by myself - but there are tapes and videos out there. I had to learn what I needed to accomplish, so I researched it. It works but is incredibly slow.

(4) dress presentation - again advice from my friend - dress expensively if you can afford it as it helps you be accepted as a female. Men usually don't have that knack - again watch the women, especially those your age and body type. They may not be absolutely perfect but they certainly cue as female. My friend says she passes because of the quality of her clothes cues her as female.

(5) ATTITUDE - probably the most important aspect of being female - to be female, think female. The "I am a woman - how can anyone think otherwise?" attitude.

So - wow - full of advice. You probably know all this already.

My FTM friend is 6'3 and weighs about 165. She definately passes.

You can do it - present female, because you ARE female.

Ignore the twenty-somethings on this site - they are beautifully transitioning - as twenty-somethings. We older Mature madames - well, we want to transition, well as mature madames.

My therapist says I am fortunate that I have no really masculine features (I have high cheekbones and a narrow nose - thanks mom) and will transition well as an attractive woman with little or no surgery. I also have all my hair. But she added, "...an attractive woman, a large woman, but still attractive." Yikes.

I am on a strict diet. I want to lose 20% of my body weight and thin down (its do-able). I am growing out my hair. I am starting HRT tomorrow - finally. And I am out at home. I am also over age 60. Duhhhhh... late start there Elizabeth. But I have started... and... it will work.

Good luck on your journey

[Guest Emily.SoCal]

Elizabeth,

WOW, so much down to the fact information! And it's all really good *and* even after others posted a lot of other really good info. Thank you!!!

A lot of this I need to hear regularly (e.g. items like posture and attitude) or did not have as well organized in my head. It was also interesting to hear there are tapes for voice (mine comes and goes! ack!), and I'm surprised it didn't occur to me before that those existed.

Ooh, there is one item I could use some more input on, cosmetics. I'm working on everything else, but that's one area where I'm clueless. And my girlfriend doesn't really use it and never has. Plus I'm sure the technique and tricks would be different on my facial contours than hers anyway. So yeah, being pointed in the right direction there would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks again for the post! *hugs*

-Emily

[Guest Karen-1954]

Like you, I and probably most of on here question who we are and why we are doing this (transition) from time to time. The best answer that I can give you is, so we can be who we realy are. Don't worry about trying to look like the women in the magazines, they don't look like that either, airbrushing cures a lot of things in photos. Just try to find out who you are deep inside and strive to be that person. I know that I am not "attractive" and "sexy" but I would rather be a rather plain woman than a miserable fake male.

[Guest Sarah Marie]

Emily,

Welcome to the Playground. You have found a very good place to visit and hang out since it is a safe zone well populated by accepting, caring members.

Become the person that you must become and when you go out hold your head high and smile - you are a woman and a beautiful spirit, people will accept you and even like you if you truely accept and like yourself.

This sentence by Sally echoes my own experience. I noticed right from the start of going out dressed in all women's clothing that on days that I totally accepted myself as the woman I really am others did too. On the occasional day when my inner acceptance wavered (go figure), then others' uncertainty about my identity wavered as well. So the best piece of advice my experiences have taught me is: just be yourself, or as a poet once penned (the poet's name escapes me at the moment) "Above all, to thine own self be true."