An Introduction.

[Guest Serenia]

Hello everyone I'm Serene,

This is a rather new feeling for me, and something I am nervous about. I'm eighteen years old, and just graduated from High School a few months ago. I don't really know what is going on, but for my whole life I have felt that perhaps who I was physically wasn't me. To be more specific I have always wanted to be a female, and do more feminine things. It was also something I always neglected, and repressed, telling myself that was not normal. I tried to tell myself perhaps it was just a fetish, or perhaps that I really was insane. I even thought maybe I was just gay, and well that didn't really work out. Anything to make it where I wasn't transgender, because I knew what it meant I just didn't want to be it. Of course I also had a female persona that I had online so that I could at least be feminine on the internet, female characters in video games, and sure I didn't have the body but the personality was what counted.I have never done any cross dressing, or really anything that would give off an outward appearance until yesterday. So when I finally started coming out of this repressive lifestyle of telling myself that I wasn't normal. I live in a very fundamentalist, and conservative part of my country. So I never dreamed of telling anyone anything, or doing anything.

A week ago I cracked, and told essentially the closest person I had to me, a girl I met just a little less than two years ago. I really liked this girl, and this was another reason why I could never be transgender I didn't like males, I still very much liked females. I was going to essentially kill myself, because I figure you know life was over. She was very much straight, I didn't know of any transgenders, and still don't. I figured two things would happen she would tell everyone, and I'd kill myself, or she would never talk to me and I'd just kill myself. Suicide for unrequited love, and unrequited identity. I didn't make it seem as serious though, I just said I was having insomnia. I couldn't tell her I was going to end it, I didn't want her to know I was insane, or for her to feel any blame. So she sent me a text asking what was keeping me up, of course it was 1 AM. I got emotional, and just sent her this long text message about how I didn't know who I was, and that I believe I suffer from gender dysphoria something I hadn't even admitted to myself. I told her something no one knew, and if my family found out I would be disowned, and homeless. So why am I still here? One of her family members was transgender, and she invited me over to cross dress the next week. I'd never done anything like that before, and I decided I could do this little experiment to prove to myself that I wasn't a transgender if I felt shame, sickened, or even aroused I could say I was anything but a transgender. She let me try on one of her old dresses, and I merely looked at myself, and I felt weird. Weird as in happy, and joyous that some part of me was me. I thought I looked rather pretty, and then she walked into the room, and said I was wearing it backwards. She helped me put it on, and I sat there in her house dressed up. Just blissfully happy, and than I got home after this little experiment and I just thought about everything that had happened.

I don't know who I am, or what exactly I am going through. My largest fear is just taking too many steps, and realizing I made a mistake. That I wasn't a female after all, and I just took a bunch of irreversible changes. I don't see how I could be unhappy as a female, but I've read enough stories where people sound so depressed. I'm fully aware that the hormone therapy, surgeries, or any other operations doesn't just magically transform you into a female, but they do help and since they do help they are also things you need to put serious thought into. I guess to say the very least I am scared.

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Serena

Welcome to Laura's. I found your introduction to be very thoughtful. You are not alone in your feelings. Most of us start out as questioning. It's pretty widespread. The best way to answer your question about your gender feelings is to see a Gender Therapist. A Gender Therapist is someone who has taken additional training in understanding and diagnosing gender issues. About a 1/2 per cent of the population in the United States find themselves as transgendered. These feelings may lay dormant for years, but usually come forward at some point in a transgendered person's life.and it generally never goes away.

Serena, you've come to the right place to find answers to a lot of the questions you may have. You will find support here at Laura's. So Serena, welcome to Laura's Playgroud. I'm Kathryn and I'm pleased to meet you.

[Guest Serenia]

Thank You so much for welcoming me to the community. I don't really know what to say, how I should feel, or anything. If I hadn't ever dressed up yesterday... well I'm not sure where I would be. I don't really have the financial means for therapy, or any sort of disposable income, college does that I suppose. I'd like to see a therapist, but I doubt any provide free service. I'm not really interested in doing any transitioning, but talking to someone would be wonders. I guess that is why I joined this forum, until I can figure out who I am, and what exactly I am going through.

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Serena:

Most Colleges have counseling services for students that are paid by tuition. We also can help answer your questions and are happy to do so. There is also a ton of resources and answers on this website. One way or another, you'll find plenty of support here. Kathryn

[Guest Edu]

First thing first: Welcome to the Playground!

I hope you enjoy your stay here. If you take a look at other people's stories around this place you may find things in common with many of them.

There are a some things I'd like you to know. They have been repeated many, many times, but that's never too many

First: when it comes down to gender, there is no black and white, but a full scale of gray shades. Sure, there is a lot of people that is quite close to one of the extremes (that is very masculine men and very feminine women), but there is also a lot of people that are near the centre. I'm not trying to tell you where you are in the scale (you are the only one who can eventually figure that out), but just want to you to open your view to the whole spectrum.

Second: gender identity and sexual orientation are entirely independent. Whether you feel male or female on the inside isn't bound to what you feel towards males and females. And with over 7 billion people in the world, I'd bet we could find at least one case for every combination we might think of. So, the fact that you are only attracted to females doesn't mean you can't feel female yourself. Just like there are cis-gendered lesbians out there, you may also find transgender lesbians.

Third: nobody gets to choose whether to be transgender. We are whatever we are, want it or not. One doesn't become transgender just by wanting to be transgender, nor does anyone stop being transgender just because they don't want to be. Just like you don't choose the color of your eyes nor that of your hair, you don't get to choose your gender identity. Sure, if someone doesn't like the colors, they can put on contacts to change the color of the eyes, or die their hair. But that doesn't change the colors behind the contacts or the dies. Gender identity is similar: you may try pretending to be a "typical" guy. In fact, many of us have gone that way, for a while, until it just becomes unbearable.

In summary, you don't get to choose which cards you are dealt, but you get to choose how do you play them.

That dress up experiment you talk about is, at the very least, interested. I'm glad you found something that made you happy. That may be the first step in a journey that will be, at the very least, interesting, no matter where it leads.

I understand your fear about taking the wrong choice. However, the bunch of steps and requirements we face before committing to any irreversible treatment (which many of us often find annoying) are meant just to deal with that. The reason why a therapist approval is often required (or at least strongly encouraged) before getting access to hormones or surgery is to ensure that the person taking the choice is actually ready to take it.

Just to put an example, I have been under therapy for over three years, and I'm not even close yet to taking any irreversible choice (aside from money I have spent on clothes that can no longer be refunded ).

Be aware that transition begins in the mind: the first step is taking the concious choice to find out who you really are. And the process involves a lot more than physical body changes.

You should try to get to a gender therapist: they are qualified professionals who specialize in guiding people like us. You can find a vast list at http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm.

Also, I strongly encourage you to get involved with the lovely community on this site: feel free to ask questions, share your opinions, and chat with people who are here for pretty much the same reasons you came.

Regards,

Ethain

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Serene,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna