Lucky's Story

[Guest LuckyMe]

Hello Everyone!

This is my introduction and biography in one. I'll try to keep it brief, comparitively to how long I normally take to write, well, anything... For the moment, you may call me LuckyMe (or just Lucky). I'm in my early 30's, born as a male but currently looking at transitionning into a woman. Here's a little bit of my story.

Let's start with a little bit of family history. My mother, in the 80's, already had a child (my sister), which didn't prevent her from continuing her work as a dancer (the naked kind). She met my father, a regular at the bar where my mom worked, and they dated for about 6 months. My dad didn't really want a relationship and told me once it was mostly for the sex, especially because my mom's pretty hard to live with (she has a light mental problem, doesn't take good care of herself and is immature). But my mom decided she would have it otherwise, stopped the pills and became pregnant of me. On the other hand, my dad said he wasn't ready and left her (more on this later).

My mother probably had a couple of other guys after that (I never really asked the details to be honest) and then settled in with my step-father, a drunk, violent a-hole who didn't respect her anymore than he loved my sister and I. We moved a lot (pretty much every 2-3 years) so I never quite got the hang of friendships, had a lot of trouble at school (I was the teacher's-pet-nerdy-reject kind that hung out with the other weirdoes when they even accepted me!), but I kinda managed. I went to 3 different grade schools, 3 different high schools, or at least I think I did. My memories on the details are fuzzy.

Through this, I went through my step-father gripping my throat 3 times, long enough to make me lose consciousness; 2 different fires, once in the house and the other in the temporary shelter we had while rebuilding the house; was sexually abused by a gay pedophile on 4-5 occasions and harassed by another that was supposed to give me singing and piano lessons; ran away from home about half a dozen times.

So yeah, pretty messed up childhood (but no worse than thousands upon thousands of other kids out there), but I was certain until recently that I grew up to be relatively well adjusted: the sexual assaults didn't prevent me from losing my virginity at 16 (albeit, with some erectile difficulties that still haunt me sometimes), the moving around gave me a great adaptability to situational changes, and both my parents kind of gave me great examples of what not to become (anti-role models, if you will).

When I was 20, living alone in an appartment in a shady part of town (well, as shady as Montreal can be, which is not that impressive), I finally got back in touch with my father, who in the meantime had settled in with a wife as well as two kids (two other sisters... which means I never had a brother). Never held a grudge against him, as my life turned out alright and I would have probably done the same at his age.

Now, what does all of this have to do with transgenderism (or rather, in my case, transsexualism and gender dystrophia)? Well, one thing is, I never actually thought to myself, as most transwoman do, "Oh my god, I'm a woman in the wrong body". Never once did I look in a mirror and think it was the wrong image.

But I have a theory about that.

Since I was about 13-14 years old, I started having fantasies about things like shapeshifting, posessing other people, being visited (and/or captured) by aliens, magicians, time travel versions of my future self... and every single time, the outcome was that I changed into a woman. I would imagine scenario upon scenario where some greater power would bestow upon me the gift of this change, and it was sometimes instantaneous, sometimes took a bit more time. I would think what would happen if I suddently turned - what would happen with school/family/work (depending on my situation), how hard it would be to (probably illegally) change my name following the act... And of course I thought about the sexual aspect of it all (even from my teen years before ever seeing porn and before self gratification for the first time).

I never acted up on it though. I don't recall ever dressing up in woman's clothes when I was growing up, I didn't take any female "roles", didn't play with dolls and such. Honestly? Maybe I did think about it when I was younger, but I was never able to get much privacy at home; my mom didn't work so she was always there, and we always lived in small homes, at one point after the fires I even had to share a living room with my sister. And I was absolutely horrified about getting "caught" - being a nerd reject was hard enough, but having my step-father discover me in a dress would have been the absolute end of the world. So I just played the part of the little boy, then the growing teenager, then the young man and, today, the role of a father and husband.

What, today, makes me think of gender dystrophia is the fact that the fantasy of being a woman never left - indeed, it has been growing and permeating my life so much that it's become an obsession and a problem. Being married means that, potentially, I could have sex with my wife "whenever I wanted", and indeed she wants me more than I want her. But it never stopped me from going on the computer and enabling my fantasy by self gratification while looking at porn that I related to: lesbian sex, penetration (thinking of myself as the woman) and, recently discovered, "Female POV" (point of view). I've became so obsessive that I was actually taking breaks from work to go in the private bathroom and releasing the tension that built up by itself, against my will and better judgement, looking at pictures saved on my phone.

But this pressure? Today, it's pretty much gone. Not because I was able to stop it, but because I now know exactly what it was: my subconscious trying to tell me who I really was. A couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my wife about virtual reality, about how in the VR world I imagined, humanity could share experiences, memories and sensations. Anyone could try anything, including having the ability to be in someone else's skin (imagine the profits from the pornographic industry, right?). During this conversation, my wife said (or I think she said, she doesn't remember), "Would you be happy if you had the ability to get operated to only get a vagina, nothing else?", to which I answered negatively because "that was the thing to say".

The question gnawed at me in the following days. Both my subconscious mind and conscious thoughts kicked in to overdrive, eventually leading me to start reading up on HRT, GRS, Transsexuality, and what all of this entailed. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks: There *was* no higher power that could grant me the wish of becoming a woman: I could do that myself. And this is what I wanted. I mentionned a theory, and this is it: My messed up history pushed my gender issues, along with other traumas, to a backwater recess of my mind, building a wall of attempted normality around it. But a wall can't stop these kinds of thoughts, and my fantasies were the method by which my subconscious was trying to show me, to inform me of who I truly was. And now that my wife's question had hit that wall full force, cracks were starting to form, and the world of my past is starting to make much more sense to me.

I came out to my wife a few days after that. I asked her for a referral from the therapist she was seeing, at first mentionning possible depression as the reason but, after she pushed and prodded, finally blurting it out, " I HAVE GID, OK! I WANT TO BE A WOMAN, I AM A WOMAN! " (or something along those lines, the emotions made it blurry). It's been about 2 weeks now, and my wife is still with me. She's starting to come to grips with the fact, and indeed she even signed up here (angelvice, hello my sweetheart!). We've gone through some ups and downs, some crying (mostly her, my emotions are still bottled up), some explaining, even some discussions of how fun it could sometimes be (I wonder if my bras would fit you ; do you think my aunt would love to shop with us to dress you up?, etc), or what hurdles we'd have to cross (can my wife be in a lesbian relationship? Will our daughter be negatively affected? will we lose some of our family? what about work? can we cope with all the costs while maintaining our newly purchased house? etc).

The last week has been an eye opener to me. It's like a whole new world has shown itself. I'm happier, I have a bounce in my step. I'm no longer looking at other woman with envy (or jealousy), but rather more objectively (I mean by that, actually looking at their attitudes, their step, their demeanor, their hair and their clothes). Just last Friday I suddenly looked upon a woman's clothing shop and caught myself wondering, "I wonder if I'd look good in that dress, or those pants". And at the same time, it seems like I've renewed with my wife. We talk more, we touch more, have sex more (I still love her and I'm not disgusted by my own body, plus I'm kind of filling myself up with memories)...

So basically, at the moment I'm in a somewhat confused and scary place, but at the same time I'm very hopeful for the future, I'm confident that our family can get through it together and/or will find ways to cope with all the challenges. I have my first appointment with a sexologist tonight and from the short conversation we had on the phone it seems like it will be a positive experience. She sounded very interested in me, my history and my "case", so we'll have to see.

Thanks a bunch for reading, I welcome all your comments, thoughts, words of encouragement. Be as open and blunt with me as you want, I take no offense to the opinions of others, as hard as they sometimes may be to hear.

With love,

Lucky.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Lucky,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You've started your journey and it will be interesting to see the various paths it will take you on. There will be ups and downs but as long as you keep your eye on the goal, you'll get there.

MaryEllen

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Lucky Welcome to Laura's. Your story is one that I've heard many times. You repressed thoughts to the deepest parts of your mind. Forced yourself not to think about it for years. But eventually it boils over to the surface those repressed thoughts.

May I suggest that you see a Gender Therapist? That is a therapist who has received additional training and experience in working with patients with Gender questions. They are very aqdept at helping you understand where you fall on the gender scale. They also are the people who can write a letter to a physician skilled at treating people with Gendor dysphoria with hormone Replacement. They also are a great help during transition helping to advises you along.

Lucky, I am happy to welcome you and your spouse to Laura's PG. If you have not done so, down this page on the right side is a link for the Terms and Conditions, please read these and familiarize yourself with them. Laura's is a moderated site. We have a varied community from teens to members probably in to their 70's. We run a G rated site. After you have made 5 posts, you will have access to our private message system. If you have questions about anything, you will be able to pm one of us moderators and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Lucky and Agelvice, I'm Kathryn and welcome to the Playground. We are happy to have you join us. Look around, read other members posts and when you feel comfortable, jump in, share your thoughts with other members, or feel free to ask questions. We'll do our best to answer them.

[Guest LuckyMe]

Thank you very much for the welcome, Kathryn and MaryEllen!

I've already read through the terms & conditions - the last thing I'd want is to alienate myself with the people that can understand me the most!

And yeah, the therapist I'm seeing tonight is a sexologist with a master's degree and she did study gender issues (not sure exactly what she said, our phone connection quality was mediocre), so she most likely qualifies as a GT. We'll see tonight

[Guest angels wings]

Hello and Wlcome to Laura's

Great to have couples growing and learning together . Wishing you and your angel all the best ((((( hugs))))) for both of you

Angel

[Guest Tamar]

Welcome Lucky. As Kathryn said- a familiar story. Please keep us up to date with your journey. Best wishes for you and your Angel

Hugs Cassie.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Lucky,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna