Not sure what it all means

[Guest Vex]

Hello all. I'm new to the site and really hoping someone might have some input or advice here.

I'm not sure what my deal is. There is nothing that blatantly screams "you are the wrong gender" and I would never want to have my penis removed, but there are many small things, that when put together over the span of my 30 years of life, tell me something is not right. If I say something inappropriate or offensive I totally do not mean to and I apologize. I've never actually said or typed any of this out...so here goes.

I've never been overly masculine, never liked sports, and always preferred to have female friends rather than male ones. However, I'm not girly either. I suppose I'm just average. I've always been "goth" and had a predisposition for self-abuse and drug use, though in recent years I have stopped both and live with a constant irritation and depression that I can't quite explain. In my early teens I realized I enjoyed crossdressing, as well as mtf transgender pornography and women using a strap-on. I've never been attracted to men, only women and mtf ts.

My wife does not like the crossdressing thing and so for the 6 years of our marriage I have not done it. When I did dress it was fun. I actually smiled and enjoyed it. I felt a confidence that I have not found in anything else. Instead of being agorophobic as I am in my natural form, I wanted to go out in public. I feel like the greatest compliment I have ever been subject to is once, when I did crossdress and look androgynous, a little girl asked me if I was a boy or a girl. It made me smile.Though afraid of being beaten up by homophobes, I had nowhere near as much fear of people when dressed as I do normally. In the time since I have stopped, my self confidence has dwindled, I despise my marriage and the sex life that comes with it, and everything annoys or depresses me. I have interest in almost nothing. I try but it just seems pointless.

However, I am constantly creating and trying new ventures in what I assume is an attempt to make up for something or fill a void that is never quite filled no matter what I do. I have made 3 music albums, attainted a patent for an invention, written 2 books, and have a comic book series about to debut, yet it all feels hollow and has not achieved whatever it is I thought would be achieved. No matter what I try to do with this nervous energy the outcome is never satisfying.

There's also the issue of the anorexia, cutting, and drug use. As I stated above, I have overcome all of these but I felt better when I particpated in them than I do now that I don't. Again, a void needing to be filled but never is. Also, anorexia is almost exclusively a female disorder. Men very rarely have it.

I often wonder what it would be like to be a pre-op mtf ts...to have breasts and be able to present myself as female on a constant basis. When I see a woman that I find attractive I am confused as to whether I find her sexually appealing or if I just want to look like her. Lately I've come to the realization that my wife, when we met (she had just left a lesbian relationship where she was the more masculine one), was the kind of woman I would want to be if I was a woman. Now I question whether I was attracted to her sexually or just admiring what she was because I could never be that. I often tell myself that if I was to change gender that I would keep my penis and live as a (and I apologize severly if this word is offensive) "butch" lesbian.

Also, I was molested by a much older male when I was a child...just in case that has anything to do with anything.

As a 30 year old married with 2 kids I feel like I don't really have a chance to explore these things and even if I did I'm probably past my prime. And again, it's not as though I feel trapped in the wrong body, I just think a bit of a change would make me feel better.

So what's my deal? Am I just a depressed guy with a fetish, or are there deeper gender issues here that I need to explore? Do all these small things add up to one big conclusion that I am oblivious to or am I just a weirdo? Thank you for any input you can provide.

[Guest]

Hi Vex,

Welcome to Laura's Playground!

I can sympathize with your problem, not being able to explore your situation well enough to learn what's going on. It was that way for me for many years too.

It would be presumptious of us to tell you what you are, of course. You know yourself better than we do. But, the first thing to do would be to get in touch with a Gender Therapist who can help you understand what you are.

That having been said, I would say you're not a "wierdo", however. You're a person who's questioning your gender. That's all! And, agewise, you're not late to the party at all. So, spend some time reading around the forums, and you may find common threads to your own situation, things that can help you understand.

Please read the Forum Rules and Guidelines - they're in place here to keep the forum safe and healthy for everyone (Not that your post was a problem - we just remind everyone when they start.)

And, again, Welcome! I hope to see you around the Forum!

Love, Megan

[Guest Vex]

should the thought of taking hormones and transitioning when i watch transformation videos on youtube make me feel like puking?

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Vex I can't answer your question but I would like to welcome you. Welcome to Laura's I'm sure you will find some answers as your journey continues . There is a forum named introductions . If you like to make a post there with an introduction about yourself that would be great. This gives other members and opportunity to see you are new and welcome you also .

Angel