A Seeker Searching for Kindred Spirits

[Guest Lenore]

Hello all. Introductions are in order I suppose. Please call me Lenore, or Len. Either one is fine with me. I'm a 32yo MtF, though I suspect I'm starting from somewhere closer to the middle than one side or the other. But I'll get to that in a moment. For as long as I can remember, I've had a great deal of confusion when it comes to my gender. One of the few memories I have from my earliest childhood is feeling confused as to why everyone kept calling me a boy. My mind has always seemed to register as female. When I was six, my dad came back into my life. Or maybe he was there the whole time off and on, and it never really registered. I'm not entirely sure on that part. But it was at that age that my father began trying to "force" me into a gender roll that I neither wanted nor could ever fully live up to.

When puberty hit me, I became even more confused. It was like my body couldn't decide which way it wanted to go. My body started undergoing changes that I saw in both my male and female classmates. At the beginning, it seemed like I was developing more physical characteristics that were feminine in nature. I remember having to go to the doctor around this time, and starting on some kind of pills. Looking back, I'm half convinced I was being given some kind of hormone treatment, but as I have a lot of gaps in my memory from that point of my life, I honestly can't say for certain. The only thing I do know is that my body went haywire. I had a huge growth spurt, shooting from 5'5" to 6'2" in under a year. It's the only point of my life I can remember having even remotely masculine thoughts. I also started having extreme bouts of depression and even attempted suicide a few times. I was hospitalized a couple of times for this reason, and I don't recall taking that medication while in the hospital or since then, so I assume this is the point I stopped. This is also the point in my life that I can trace the chronic pain I have had most of my life to. Unfortunately I've been unable to track down any medical records prior to becoming a legal adult, so I only have my memories and the memories of friends to go on. My parents are both silent about that part of my life.

I've had issues with depression my whole life, and still suffer from it. I had to adopt a more masculine persona to avoid ridicule and physical abuse. I've hidden behind that mask for going on twenty years now. And I have been absolutely miserable. Over the years, I've tried to find outlets for my real self to come out. I've been into RPG's and gaming for almost as long as I've been hiding behind the mask, and all of my characters are always female. I suspect a lot of my close friends may know the truth on some level, but I've only fully came out to a handfull of people, including my fiance who has been nothing but supportive and understanding. She's actually the reason that I've been trying to find out more information about myself and have been making all the changes to my life in the last two years. She's pushed me to get help for my health problems, finish my G.E.D. and start college. She's also helped me with the research that's lead me here. I would be completely lost if it wasn't for her support.

So after a couple years of research, I stumbled upon a term that seems to somewhat answer questions for me. Intersex. I'm still doing research on the subject, but with all the information I've been able to find plus all of the physical anomalies I have, I believe this may be the answer to a lot of my questions about myself. The last couple of years I have slowly been transitioning my online life to reflect the person I am, and I now I am fully female in that aspect. I wish I could say the same for my life away from the internet. I live in a small city that has the bothersome characteristics of a small town. In other words, it doesn't take long at all for your business to be widespread if you aren't careful. To make matters worse, my city is a 50/50 mix of acceptance and intollerance. I'm not overly concerned about most people's reactions if I were to transition, but my fear of the information getting back to my family, especially my father, keeps me from following my heart. Despite this, I've decided to start my transition very slowly, starting with laser hair removal on my face, and going from there.

So I find myself here, in hopes of finding much needed information, companionship, and understanding as I begin this part of my life. Even though I've known my whole life who I was, I've always had to hide it. So I'm still rather ignorant about many things concerning my condition, and I will admit I'm still overcoming the misinformation and stereotypes I've been forcefed my entire life. I appologize for being so long winded in my introduction. I've always found it difficult to express my thoughts and feelings in a confined manner, and I felt it important to share this information up front to help others get a basic understanding of who I am and where I'm coming from. I look forward to learning more and getting to know everyone here on the forum.

[Sally]

Welcome to the forums Lenore,

I am glad that you have found us and excited that your fiance is supportive - that is wonderful.

Looking for 'Kindred Spirits' reminds me of some of my favorite books, the "Anne of Green Gables" series while your name instantly sent my mind into a recalling of the Edgar Allen Poe poem, "Lenore" so as you can see there are a few kindred spirits here forced into one life while longing for another.

We invite you to share as much as you feel comfortable sharing about your experiences and ask as many questions as you would like - we are like a family and we support each other.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest]

Hello Lenore,

Welcome to Laura's Playground! I do hope that you'll find this site to be as informative and helpful as I have.

It's a big step, finally realizing that there's no way to hide yourself any more. There are so many things to think about! Like you, I started out slowly, only doing electrolysis to start. It does take as much time to become mentally ready as it does physically. Laura's Playground can help you with both. At the same time, you'll probably want to seek out a gender therapist to answer some of your specific questions, and, possibly seek medical assistance in testing for possible intersex condition.

Again, Welcome!

Love, Megan

PS - If you can please take a moment to read the rules and guidelines, it would be appreciated. They're here to keep the Forum the safe and friendly place it is.

[Guest Lenore]

Thank you both for the warm welcome. I actually read over the rules forum before I signed up. It's a habit I picked up from years of being on forums. I always like to make sure that there isn't a rule I'm not able to comply with before I sign up. It also cuts down my chances of accidentally breaking a rule out of ignorance. I'm currently looking for a therapist in my area, and looking into what sorts of tests I'd need to have done to see if I really am intersexed.

I actually discovered the name after reading Poe's "The Raven" as a child. The name called out to me like a siren's song, and has stuck with me ever since. I never understood why until I started to come to terms with myself and realized that the reason it stuck with me was because it was my name. Lenore is the person I am behind the mask I built around my birth name.

[Sally]

Lenore is the person I am behind the mask I built around my birth name.

Beautifully stated - accurate yet eloquent, I love reading well crafted material and when it is from the heart it is priceless.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Lenore and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you with us on the forums.

This is a good place to find Kindred Spirits.

Mia

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Lenore. I hope you find here all that you are looking for. Please post any questions you wish in any of the forums, although be advised that you cannot start a thread in the Teens Forum.

After five posts you will have access to all the site functions, including the Private Message (PM) system. You're almost there now.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Lenore Welcome to Laura's .

Angel

[Guest ~Lana~]

Lenore

It is our pleasure to meet you and share in your experience as you remove the mask.

Best wishes for you and your fiance,

Lana

[Guest Lenore]

Thank you everyone. I was very nervous about joining at first. I almost talked myself out of it a couple of times. I'm glad I didn't though.

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Lenore

And a warm welcome to the playground. Laura's has a place you might check out to find a qualified Gender Therapist at:

Therapist site: http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm Also Psychology Today has a state by state list at: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

You are going to find that having a good therapist helping you and encouraging you. In time you will be looking forward to your appointments. It's liberating to finally be honest with yourself and to have it validated with what it is that you are feeling.

We're happy to have you as a member on the playground. Many in the community have very similar stories about their experiences and discuss them here on Laura's. So you will find a lot of understanding and acceptance here. What you are doing in your journey, we call baby steps. It's what the majority of us do as we progress, seek knowledge, and become more comfortable with ourselves.

We have this need and it began before you were born. As children many of us discovered our world seemed out of wack, and then a struggle starts inside each of us. What you have felt is normal and is to be expected.

So as you search through the forums and read the topics, you will see that you are not alone. So I encourage you to go on a discovery mission on Laura's. Feel free to share your thoughts and questions with the community. We make it through this journey of ours by taking baby steps and by sharing and supporting each other. BTW I'm Kathryn and I'm glad to meet you Lenore.

[KathrynJulia]

Lenore

I just noticed that you are a fellow Missourian. Depending on where you live, I can probably steer you to a good Gender Therapist and I happen to work with 3 doctors who specialize treating both male and female Trans patients. When you reach 5 posts, you can use the private message system to contact me. I'm KathrynJulia and if I can help in any way, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm happy to help. Kathryn

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Lenore,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest MsPerseveres]

Welcome to the Playground!

Hugs, Brenda