The life of Kayla

[Guest KaylaRoss]

It all started, as long as I can remember. Well, not as long as I can remember, but back then sometime in elementary school. I always felt out of place for some reason and I did not know why, I would always lean towards female thing, even though I never expressed my feelings. For example, I always wanted to play with the girls, s

[Guest KaylaRoss]

Excuse me for this mistake. My ipad was lagging and I mistakingly hit the post key. Anyway to continue the story:

I wanted to play with girl things, play with girls, talk with them, but I never knew why.

I thought it was because I liked them, which was the reason I stuck with for the rest of elementary and middle.

In middle school things started to change. Allot. I remember always preferring female things. I was always jealous when I looked over into the other gym to where they were playing volleyball and not running around. Whenever I looked across the band hall and saw the clarinets and flutes. I always wanted to play the clarinet or the flute. I wanted to so bad, I expressed that almost 3 times a week to my mom. Whenever I looked at a girl, I became jealous of there looks, there clothes, their lifestyle. I wanted to be a girl so bad. Even though I didn't even know it then. I was shy, in middle school, so I only had a few friends. But the friends I had we're mostly boys, with some girls. And I always felt more comfortable with my girl friends. I understood them better, even when I did not notice it.

In the next summer after 8th grade going into high school, I started to cross dress. I forgot how it started, but I remember always making sports bras out of underwear and wearing them. I did that for about a few days, until I found my moms stash of bras and panties. Once I tried on that first pair of panties, even putting them on, I loved them so much and they were the most comfortable thing in the world. When I put on that bra, and stuffed it with socks, it was like a dream come true as well. It was so comfortable. I even slept in them when my parents were working during the night. I went so far to buy my own clothes, and wear them when they weren't around. I even tucked. I tucked so much my mom had to take me to the doctor about low sperm count. I don't know how she found out, but she has known I masturbated allot before.

During high school I tried to get rid of everything feminine about me to hide my true self, so I could make friends and be popular. But I soon got a feeling inside of me that said "You need to be feminine, wear feminine clothing, or you will not be happy" and after that I decided I would wear some panties to school everyday and I would change into them after gym (1st period) and keep them on the rest of the day. I grew my hair out a bunch and even pierced my ears. After that people thought I was gay. My own best friend that I knew for 5 years abandoned me. During that next summer, I told my parents I am having troubles. I did not tell them I maybe thought I was trans, but I did tell them my mind was confused and I need help. They agreed to take me to a psychiatrist if it got worse, which I was happy with.

During my second year I started wearing girl jeans, so much that it increased my "Gay probability chart" higher. I left it at that for the rest of the year, and I was happy. I tucked allot of the time, when at home and out in town. I remember one time where I did it at school and someone asked me "Bro wheres your junk? You take it off?" I knew I couldn't tell them my secret, so I told them I just have a small penis. That was a mistake.

The rumor spread around fast, and eventually people called me tiny penis and small junk. After that I started to not tuck at school. People starting getting confused as a month ago I had barely nothing down their but now I have an apple Adams size lump. (My adams apple is notably small, but even so my it was about the size of the lump I got from my junk)

During my last 2 years I finally told my mom I need to go to a psychiatrist. She said she knew this day would come, and I was confused. But even so, she did not have enough money to take me. We were very poor and my mom got fired a few weeks ago so yeah (She worked at fort worth independent school district as a substitute teacher)

In my last year we finally got enough money and I told my psychiatrist everything. Then I started therapy, and I've been in it about 2 months.

Thats my story. Thanks for reading!!!! -Kayla

[Guest angels wings]

Thx for sharing your story Kayla . I wish you all the best for your future . Take care and keep been true to yourself the rest will flow when the time is right .

Angel

[Guest]

Hi Kayla,

Thank you for sharing your story.

It's good that you're making positive steps, and wonderful that you have your mother's support.

Are you a senior this year? I hope the year goes well for you!

Take care - and do let us know how you're doing?

Love, Megan

[Cyndee]

Hugs Kayla,

I read your story and so many familar themes, thanks for sharing. Good for you realizing this at your age and getting help. You have found a wonderful resource on the Internet here in Laura's playground. Many folks about that have experienced similar things.

I also grew up with ADD, it was very hard, I was put in special classes back then, did not fit into regular school. I as well sought out female company growing up, always seemed to be better with girls, they did exclude me from their groups at times, perhaps they thought I was too interested in what they were doing ;-) I also wore panties to school, and had to hide my cross dressing at home, I lived with a "dark secret". A little more about those days in this post @ http://www.lauras-pl...showtopic=25725

Now in this time, we can be free to express ourselves, it brings much relief to be feminine outwardly, no more shame, no more hiding, it's a beautiful feeling.

Best wishes hon

CIndy -

[gennee]

Welcome, Kayla. You're taking positive steps in your and that's wonderful. I wish you the best.

[Guest miss kindheart]

You go girl

<<< hug >>>>

vanna