A Lesbian, trapped inside a male body

[Guest Nina X]

Hello there.

I hope to find somethin helpful on this site. Because right now I am so confused, and have been like this for 9 months already.

I am 23. Have been suffering from an eating disorder and depression since I were 16 or so.

Have been self gratification and watching porn (mostly heterosexual porn) since I were 13, with feelings of shame and disgust.

I was a troubled boy. I wasn't successfull with girls at all, they didn't seem interested to me. I was often thinking about committing suicide.

I used to say to my friends that I should have born gay, then my life would have been much easier. But I just wasn't attracted to men.

Then, one day, I had a lucid moment. I said to a very good friend of mine: " I'm a lesbian trapped inside a man's body".

It may sound senseless, but it made sense to me. Anyway, I forgot about it for a while. It seemed too strange to be true.

Then, on another occasion it occured to me that I could have gotten a SRS to finally become a lesbian. Yet, since I was very much against any sort of body modification, I casted that idea out of my mind.

I enjoyed an year of relative happiness last year. I was with a girl who I really liked. My ED and depression were going better. Then, all came to an end. After she left me I was still feeling alright and still enjoying my life... I still had ED, but it was more stable (that is, I didn't purge). Approximately seven months after that, I relapsed. I relapsed very bad.

I decided to try out medications. Since I started taking Prozac and Xanax (last December), it's been a crazy ride. I'll do a little sum up of the past months.

1) January: I start taking medications for my eating disorder and my depression. For the first time in my life I feel that I really might be gay. Well, I am not drawn by men, actually. I am just drawn by penises.

2) February: Depression is taking its toll on me. Suicide Attempt.

3) March: I don't have a clue; who the love am I? Am I really bisexual? I feel like a lesbian trapped inside a man's body.

4) April: I need to know. Let's take a step into an LGBT club. That's where I met Mara. Wow, she's a transwoman.

WOW, gay people are great. But why am I so attracted to lesbians? Hell, I don't really like men. How can somebody like men?

5) May: I realize I don't really like making love as a man. The only thing that turns me on is pretending to be a woman. Me and Her make love like two lesbians, despite the fact that we both have a penis.

I changed my name. Now I am Nina. Next week I'll have my first appointment with a psychologist to talk about my gender dysphoria. I spoke to my father about this. He doesn't understand, but he will support me.

6) June-July-August: I am still seeing this psychologist who works in a gender dysphoria treatment center. She's as clueless as me, but I guess she thinks I am not really a transsexual. My sex life is really confused. It takes me forever to climax. What reminds me of my male sexuality turns me off. I started shaving my body. Yet, I'm not interested in wearing girl's clothes and make-up. Everyday I think about transitioning. I JUST WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO A WOMAN AS A WOMAN.

Truth is, I feel lonely. I never heard about anyone who feels like me and this makes me feel even stranger.

Thank you for hearing me.

[Charlize]

Nina, welcome to Laura's. Please take the time to read the terms and conditions so that your posts will make it into the forums uncut.

There are as many paths as there are people but you will find others here sharing the feelings you have expressed. You are not alone.

Feel free to post and to read about others to better understand yourself.

Your search for a good therapist is important. A good GT can help you understand your path.

Hope to se you around,

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Nina X]

I already have a therapist. I've been seeing here for almost 3 months, but without any result. I still can't decide who I am... And who I want to be.

My girlfriend, who is currently on HRT, supports me, but usually people look at me as if I were talking nonsense. I'm not feminine actually... They all think this is just a moment of confusion. It's driving me crazy.

[Guest AngelaA88]

"I'm a lesbian trapped inside a man's body" is actually how I (semi-jokingly) described myself ever since somewhere around 8th grade. I was always against doing anything drastic to my body on account of being very uninformed as to how well HRT/SRS can potentially work & scared of whether or not it would work on me. I'd spent a bit over a decade with shame and disgust for my body & easily could have seen myself dipping into an eating disorder at multiple points growing up. Most of my male acquaintances had actually asked or wondered whether I was gay or not at some point.

I certainly can sympathise with a bit of what you've posted. I'm not really sure I have any helpful advice....I'm not too far into figuring things out myself. I know that in my case, I've realised after a bit over a year on HRT that the reason my relationships with other girls were failing, & the reason I felt some form of attraction to them was mostly because I simply admired their bodies as something I could never have or achieve for myself. I'm MUCH more happy with myself now that I can go out and pass for a girl, and letting go of that nagging distaste for my own form has left me to realise that I'm in fact very interested in being some special guy's girlfriend.....I'd have probably never noticed it had I not made peace with my own body.

I guess the best thing I can think of to tell you is to do whatever healthy things that you can to try and make peace with your body. Go out & meet as many different types of people that you can, try to learn as much as you can about anything weighing on your mind, no matter how small or insignificant a desire there may be fueling it (it's how I randomly started learning about HRT). You might discover something unexpected about yourself in the process that could change your life for the better like I did......hopefully something in there is helpful to you.

[Guest Nina X]

Tomorrow I'm seeing my therapist again. When my dysphoria started , I decided not to start HRT until february 2013, hoping that, by then I would have made up my mind once and for all. But still nothing. It's so depressing.

If I were an ugly male it would probably be easier, but I'm quite good-looking.

Making love as a male it's no longer possible for me, the sight of my penis disturbs me. The act of penetrating disturbs me, and receiving oral sex is just as disturbing. Strangely enough, I'm not disturbed by giving oral sex to my transsexual girlfriend, even if I'm gynephilic.

I just can't figure it out.

[Guest Lexi_^-^]

I was listening to loveline once, and a T called in and asked this very question. Dr. Drew (the host) said that it was completely normal and that in fact most transexual MtF's are still attracted to women. I don't know if this is true or not. But it doesn't seem too far off. After all, I'm living proof cuz I still like girls.

You just have to be who you are! Think carefully, but don't over think it. It should feel natural. I hope this helps! ^-^

[Guest Chrysee]

Greetings to you!

I once introduced myself that way when getting ready to speak before a group of people. The thing was, it just came out of my mouth without any prior consideration. It received a good natured laugh, which felt good, but since I had not yet come out or even really begun to look at the true me, I was left feeling embarrassed & wondering what would possess me to say such a thing.

Well now I know.

With love,

Cissy Priscilla

[Guest carolinagirl]

you sound kinda like me. also iv'e heard about 1 quarter of trans women are lesbian

[Guest Chrysee]

you sound kinda like me. also iv'e heard about 1 quarter of trans women are lesbian

This reminds me of a thread I once started to address the question: "What is an heterosexual androgyne, anyway?"

[Guest Nina X]

you sound kinda like me. also iv'e heard about 1 quarter of trans women are lesbian

Well, I don't know. I mean, if that's true why do I still get weird looks when I say that to other MtF?

[Guest carolinagirl]

i have a clue why but may be they dont think your being serious

[Guest BobbiLee]

Hi Nina,

This is interesting in the timing. I am still "in the closet" so to speak and have not talked to anyone exept here on Lauras. I completely understand what you are saying. I am 46 and my feelings of being the wrong gender have resurfaced after many years of being surpressed. Recently, I have tried to look at men to see if I am attracted to them and at this point I must say I am not at all.

If I were to transition, I think I would want to be with a man only to know how it "feels" but I think I would be a lesbian which only adds to my confusion. I mean as we all know, women are soft, beautiful, smell nice (all traits I want) where men are hard, smell bad, have bad habits (all traits I know I have) and yes I know I am stereotyping. Simply stated, I understand exactly what you are saying and I am glad I am not the only one.

Bobbi

[Guest Chrysee]

Hi Nina,

This is interesting in the timing. I am still "in the closet" so to speak and have not talked to anyone exept here on Lauras. I completely understand what you are saying. I am 46 and my feelings of being the wrong gender have resurfaced after many years of being surpressed. Recently, I have tried to look at men to see if I am attracted to them and at this point I must say I am not at all.

If I were to transition, I think I would want to be with a man only to know how it "feels" but I think I would be a lesbian which only adds to my confusion. I mean as we all know, women are soft, beautiful, smell nice (all traits I want) where men are hard, smell bad, have bad habits (all traits I know I have) and yes I know I am stereotyping. Simply stated, I understand exactly what you are saying and I am glad I am not the only one.

Bobbi

Greetings Bobbi!

I look at pictures of so called gorgeous male models and think 'oh I don't think so!' They typically stand there sporting cutsey smirks & without shirts on with their thumbs looped in their pockets so that their jeans come down just enough to show the waistband of their briefs. Above the waist they have the washboard stomach muscle thing going on and for all the world look like they spend every waking minute working out. You know the type? You see them in ads for home exercise equipment demonstrating the goods.

I could just see me with one:

"This is my boyfriend, James Class. Call him 'Jim.'

If I had it all to do over again, I would yearn for a trans girl that stood about 5'6", 120lbs., with waist length hair. She would have a gentle energy but with the umph! to stand her ground. I would so hope that she enjoyed dancing as well as attending the ballet, opera, etc. And I could curl up with her at night and read to her from the works of Jane Austen.

Does anyone know how to create a Replicant minus the four year life span?

[Guest kimberly c]

Hi Im a crossdresser, I love my wife and if I were to transition, I would be a lesbian, the touch of a woman and being with a woman is awesome.

I have had thoughts of being with a man but my first choice is a woman.

Love Kim

[Guest android]

Funny that's exactly what I used to call myself. Still describes me better than anything I've tried classify myself as. I guess there's more people like me than I realized.

I'm just going to start saying I'm Genderqueer and leave it at that

[Kyla666]

I am 100% lesbian. And married about to have a kid.

All my life I felt like a women and wished every night I would wake up as one. But I never once liked guys.

[Guest SusanB]

When i was last to my Endo, he said i was a MTF Transgender Lesbian

Always liked women and like a lot of you see nothing to like about a mans body (including mine)

Still, being a hetro male all my life it may take a while for the Lesbian label to sink in

[Guest Chrysee]

I am 100% lesbian. And married about to have a kid.

All my life I felt like a women and wished every night I would wake up as one. But I never once liked guys.

Wow!

I watched an interview with a doctor who said that we are the people who, when we're young wake up every morning and look under the blankets only to find that nothing's changed and God let us down again.

It gave me shivers when he said it and when I read your message.

Whew!

Cissy

[Guest pixytgirl]

i totally understand..i am a translesbian myself

[Guest endthesilence]

Hi Nina!! You just told my story..... I cannot believe there is a single human in the world that feels like I do. I tried to be gay and failed at it bad lol I am now 29 and I live as a andro boy whos super feminine at times but I like girls. girls who tend to be masculine where I have always got caught up is how can I really be a lesbian if I have a penis. 10 years on HRT I also have small breasts so I live in confusion and being lonely I would kill for a gf who could look at me and see me and not think I am some weirdo fetish. I pretty average looking and blend in for the most part but for 98% of the world thinks I am gay and like men (the gender that is) and it kind sucks hun. THANK U for your post it helped me alot!!! Take care.