idk what to say so

[Guest Tazz]

lets get started, btw im negativish. And impulsive. I also love my cat tazz

keep in mind i havnt litterly not slept in 2 days its 6:59 am and i probably wont post this (note 2 self)

So i party every night do stupid things all to forgot. I end up forgetting the good things and i ask my self why am i here. Btw i had a bit of a debate as to if i should post this or not.

I dont know what i should do. I feel selfish. Well i am. WHO IN THE WRITE MIND WOULD BE LIKE ME. I end up hating myself. Still knowing i am doing the write thing.

Why not embrace the truth why run. I need this i need this, its natural

/////////////////////////////

Its all a chemical imbalance, smoke more cigerettes do more drugs you have always been this way.

the day that i smoked my first cigerette i told my grade 4 teacher i would never smoke. She told me it was more likely that i would become a smoker because my parents smoked. Well i hhad my first cig that day, goes to show u what i know. Who was a proving wrong,, stupid question , long answer.

Do the write thing for your self, get over that hump. Listen to your self. Your not crazy

pills are starting to look real nice... everythings natural though.... why am i here.

i dont want attension i want help. Ive been doing this my self for so long. Ive had multiple nervous breakdowns (still not recoverd)

you can only do so much. One day at a time. xoxxoxox

sorry this was for me, i can sleep. Feed only your good side Which is kinda why i smoke alot, (i dont condone anything i do) Oh this is in the drugs section for a reason.

thx for letting me share, i rly dont know where to start with my self so i rather not. I like other people, ,

nighty nite, tbh i should go to bed. I just well took a sleep aid"

-Bree

[Guest angels wings]

Bree welcome To Laura's . I hope you have had a good rest . Wishing you brighter days (((( hugs))))

Angel

[Michelle 2010]

Hey Tazz, sorry I missed your post yesterday. The reality is we have some folks here who know exactly how you feel having been down the same path and come out on the other side. The problem with getting clean for people like me was that doing so always left me feeling worse than when I was using so I would use again. Kinda a problem, that.... Killing myself on cigarettes and alcohol or being miserable and having life stink... Booze was just another drug, btw, so the feeling was pretty much the same as you may have.

Have you been to our chat session on Sunday night? I'm thinking you may have... If not, we have a small cadre of sober happy folks who get together and discuss Life, the Universe, and Everything, including staying sober a day at a time AND enjoying it along the way... so if you want to try it out, we don't bite, we truly care about helping people in early recovery or those contemplating it. It meets every Sunday 9PM EST. It also has a separate registration so if interested, maybe stop by in advance and get hooked up.

Whether you join us in chat or not, the simple reality is that you never have to feel the way you did again when you posted yesterday. The alternative to being miserable using substances does not have to be being miserable not using substances. All it takes is an open mind and a healthy dose of Willingness do a few things differently in your life. In chat we could actually dialogue on what that means and perhaps get more personal about our stories and what happened. If you would like more info here it could be provided as well.

Peace

Michelle

[Carolyn Marie]

Hi, Bree. I don't think we've met yet. Hey, I just want to tell you that you can relax here and get whatever help and advice you need. We don't judge people, and we know very well that many of us, if not most, come here with all kinds of baggage they wish they didn't have, and histories they would rather forget. Being trans, if that is indeed what you are, is a heavy load to bear even for the strongest of us.

So if you need to vent, please do so. If you need support, all you need do is ask. If you want advice, we've got that too.

Hang in there, Bree. We will take this journey together.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Tazz]

thanks everyone for the support. Im in a positive mood. Im actually going out tonight

As a small child i remember being this way. Even tho i did loose touch with my self for awhile. My sisters even poke fun at me for playing with barbies, i know they mean well, i dont let it get to me. I know this is always going to be there, i know i cant live a double life. My dad used to homophbic, but recently we had a disccussion that I avoided. I think he knew. I dont want to change our relationship, but i know i cant live a double life.

Just today, i message my first love! Atom, umm take a guess? that i actually laughed about. Kind of ironic dont you think? , i gotta go my ride is here! Thx everyone!

Bree!

My friends are very supportive, to the point that they are homophobic, in front of me, it gets to me. I know they are just being them selves, as am i

[Guest Tazz]

i didn’t finish that. Umm btw, . I found out today my first girl friend and the person i thought I truly loved is now transitioning from from female to male J , it made me feel not so crazy. I just found out today, it took a lot facebook time to find Atom. I found it funny, first time in awhile that I was really happy. Relieved to, and not funny in a bad way :3. Lol ive been thinking a lot today

I want to plead my heart and soul out but I I don’t think I should. There are many things about me that I still need to discover. After being in denial for so long I really just want to be happy. Ima try!, I know my self and my weaknesses, a lot came recently from the drugs and when I kinda went over board :/

My dad knows because his girlfriends son is gay, and well he knows. Kate recently had respect for me when my dad was being very, well vulgar. And I cried, I tried to go away to cry in secret. But they knew, and im not on hormones. She said ‘ohh you are in for it” to my dad! It was stunning, and i broke down inside. I use to play dress up in my room alone. I was very good at hiding things, my parents didn’t raise me well. But no matter, my dad and me used to have a great relation ship when I was young. But I was really umm “blind”. Smart but blind, I wish I knew. When he started to pay attention I was gone. Ive always been treated differently by them. Mainly my mom, she is a complete nut case. And told me to kill myself on several occasions. She has found things of mine but I denied and said it was my girlfriends. And well in a argument I told her I had a bf. That was it for me and her, I have a lot of resentment towards that crazy phyco but shes my mom. Even to the point i believed I forgave her. But I don’t. And I don’t want to be like her, I don’t want to be manipulative. At a young age I had feminine voice, and well I didn’t know what I was getting into. I was making friends online when 10 years old, friends who accepted me. Until I met a sicko, I then knew what I was doing. I felt ashamed, word cant be put to mouth how I felt, first time I contemplated ending my own life. It wasn’t long I talked to him but it sure changed me. I dont know why I just didn’t tell my best friends. I just hid,

I was traumatized as a kid. My brother and sisters love me but they could only protect me from so much. They were almost just as young, I cant talk about that crap. I know what happened. I cant get it out of me, its not who I am. I can do anything. Its only recently that past is coming back, I thought i destroyed it! I only made it worse

I didn’t have a good day, well my friends all went swimming :/ “friends”. I used to live with Caitlyn, and she is the only one that truly accepts me out of that group. Her bf made us go swimming, she didn’t relies until after me having flashbacks. Only saying nothing but “sorry you couldn’t swim.” I love Caitlyn but she can sometimes be very rude to me. And she really truly was at that moment. Johns a idiot on so many levels. Theres a bit more to it, I kept it all in, I had to.

I used to be a sweet kid. Playing dress up in kindergarden was a learning experience. So many question bare my mind now Even though I feel stupid all the time! Its true though, after taking so many drugs. At the start of highschool I could have been on the honour role (chose not to be, yes it took a lot of convincing )

Wishing that I never went to a phyc ward, moment when denial ended. Why didn’t I get help sooner. Why why why. It had to happen then. I should have been there though, I don’t know how I lived but it was a sign. (I clinically died) but under circumstance I was very mistreated even tho I complied with mostly everything they asked of me within reason. I would get so frustrated after being there for so long. I ended up havening an anxiety panic attack and spilt my guts to a Very nice and smart nurse there, she wrote down everything fast, even tho sharing it the wrong person after I think this helped me in the long wrong, hopefully. They put me threw a crap load that I didn’t want to relive. My life is just in a spin. And I know im had intercourse up, that’s why I hide. But I don’t let it get to me. I know I am truly happy like this. But I need help. Ive done this all by my self so far, i know I can be better, I don’t need to hide. Ive raised my self a lot of my life. And I can remember to far back. I know im confused. Ive even had to erase plenty of what I wrote knowing that I probably shouldn’t. I just cant though, I am ashamed of my self. I just cant live with knowing what I did. I don’t. I may not always be in the right but im never ever wrong.

Is it right to live this way, no

I say that every morning. SO I choose differently, I need to. I want to. So I rely on my self. Probably product of a guy, --Censored-- took everything from me. I was living with a him, him eventually knowing that I was tg, (he is gay) which I didn’t mean to happen....i moved there after my mothers. he would controlled me , would often play mind games. Eventually he started saying smart remarks towards calling me things that I will not repeat. :@ and it just got worst and worst. And I just did the same thing as b4, and hid.

Im not that strong girl I know I used to be. AND I KNOW IT. What did I do to myself?!

I don’t live behind closed doors anymore

but tonight I did,

and my roommate just bought me ice cream, , she said she knew something was up when she saw my shoes not straight xD Im to ocd for my own good, literally .

I’ll admit that I grown from that shy little boy, the cared so much for their world. To change everything, outside, into someone I can actually look at. Ive gone this far by my self and I know, that I can do it but I just need to let go, college is ahead, i know i need to be ready. Everything happens for a reason, and there is a reason I have a double life, I know that if that other isn’t much of a life :/ , I could only hide for so long, Theres only so many mistakes u can do before someone takes notice. And its hard to act a way your not. It hurts me inside, I guess its time for me. In grade 7 one of my best friends, he was very sweet, ended up noticing some of my traits so I said some things and he accepted it. To be honest he was weird and out of place a lot of the time but ment well. Then again he met my mom.

He was there when I finally got the courage to try to crossdress, we have lost touch a bit but I still love to see him. I was 15 on my own. At the time I thought to much about what other people would think, and I knew I should talk to someone first, that ended up being Cameron(it wasn’t by choice, someone told him),. I loved him for he was though, I’ve made bad decisions :/ that affected me more than anything. I just now need to be me, and get help.

Dr icecream is the best , oh and ima serious.... but i truly need another doctor, i sorta avoid them. Tomorow is a new day

-Bree