Coming Out To Parents Again...

[Guest Cody_T]

hey, so if you've read probably any of my posts since I tend to repeat myself, you might know that my parents are now in fact aware of my gender dysphoric state. However, the way they found out was horrible, the way I dealt with it was horrible, and I haven't gotten anywhere with it. And by haven't gotten anywhere I mean they discourage me from wearing gender neutral clothes because they want girls' clothes, get paranoid about me being on any transgender sites, etc. Thinking this is just a phase and I'm feeding off of it by being online or w/e (which is exactly why I, frequent internet user that I am, refrained from looking up *anything* for an entire summer... so either I have a longer attention span than I thought or it's not caused by internet hypochondria). So then my parents wanted to talk to me again and I didn't want to so I got a reprieve until after christmas. Which I thought was a good thing, except apparently now that they can't get me makeup jewelry and clothes (presents I never really liked anyway...) it's impossible to go christmas shopping. And that seems like a digression, but it's not because the point is it's at the back of their minds and I'm getting really paranoid about the boxers and book and magazine hidden under my mattress, male clothes hidden on my chair, since they still seem on the prowl. Not to mention I've been getting progressively to the point where I want to go to a gender therapist, and I really shouldn't keep stringing them along. I know, even if they don't, that it will be more beneficial for me to undergo a change as a college student, not wait until I've gotten a job as a medical professional. Just from the standpoint of not disrupting my life and letting me have normal relationships and being comfortable with myself and doing the best to protect me from adverse effects like losing an important job because of it (retail job, who cares. Doctor job, I care) it's definitely the best idea.

So the long story short question is, do I explain all of this to them, or should I just ask to see a gender therapist and keep pretending it may or may not exist? (which, I guess, if I come back from the gender therapist with a bipolar schizoaffective paranoid delusional diagnosis it could maybe possibly not) I have trouble being assertive, and you should have seen my mom when I told her I had pretty much made up my mind a little while ago. I was seriously about to put her on suicide watch. Keep in mind I live with them, and unless I get a full ride somewhere I'll probably be indebted to them for a while. To tell or not to tell. That is the question.

(whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...)

[Guest Zabrak]

In order to heal others I think its best to heal yourself first.

I honestly think you should go to a gender tharapist as soon as you think its safe too.. but I'm not very good at this kind of stuff.

[Sally]

AH, Shakespeare!

I know that it is no news to you about seeing a gender therapist being a good idea. However, you should tell your parents and point out to them that since this has been going on so long it is time to find out what it truely is. A gender therapist will be able to tell them once and for all if this is a rebelious phase or gender dysphoria!

As to your medical career - if they are concerned about what may happen to it - I don't know of any FTM examaples (there are some I'm sure, but going the other way I haven't done as much research) but in theMTF group there are quite a few! Dr. Marci Bowers and Dr. Chritine McGinn are both MTFs who now perform SRS for both FTMs and MTFs.

The medical profession in general are more receptive to transgendered although they tend to be a bit nervous about having them as patients - not too much educational classes and papers on the treatment of any transsexual health issues.

Good luck to you and I hope your family will let you see the gender therapist and accept the diagnosis.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Crossroads]

I think we've discussed this in other posts. Each person develops at their own rate. If you feel you need this, you should follow your heart.

I was a little intimidated to tell my parents about being in a same-sex relationship. I still relied fully on their funding for school, housing, food. And I decided it was more important to me to be with my partner, who is still more supportive of me than my family, so I let my parents know. Goodbye dreams. They disowned me, took away my money, everything. I had to get a butt job, I had to live in an apartment smaller than a Roman prison. But you know what? I got through it. THIS SOLUTION IS NOT FOR EVERYONE! Some people care too much about "family" to do this. I was all about my family when I started. But after seeing them overreact, I have no faith in them anymore. The way I feel about MY family is: they are people just like anyone else. Just because we share genes doesn't mean they should get a break after treating me like dirt and making me go through heck. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me that way, so why let them? So when they threatened me to either do things their way or lose everything, I told them that I'd figure out a way to live without them. And I did. I haven't gotten my degree yet, I will when I can. And I've learned WAY more about life now than I ever learned in my 3 1/2 years in college. The best thing I could have done for myself was what I did.

I'm constantly telling people that not everyone is like me. Some people can't take a choice like this. What matters is what is most important to YOU! To me, living happily outweighed my family. My family obviously didn't care about my happiness. After a year or so, they started wanting to talk to me again. We talk now, but I don't (can't) trust them. And I am bitter, too. Like I said, I don't consider them family anymore. I just consider them human beings. I have a group of friends I've known for over 10 years that are my family now. And the best I could ever have.

I always ask FTMs who ask about trouble with their families this SERIOUS question: What's more important to you? Your happiness, your comfort, your career, your family? What? You have to decide your priorities FIRST! Then take action based on that. Like I said, not everyone will choose the same thing, and for some people, these choices can be combined. But you still have to think about it to make a decision.

My priorities are:

My partner (even before my happiness, she comes first)

My comfort

My happiness

My friends that act as my family

My career

I'm lucky in that my partner is fully supportive of my gender reassignment choice, but if she hadn't been, I wouldn't be here right now. Some would say that's a dumb choice, but it's my priorities. What are yours?

I hope I helped.......

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You wrote: So the long story short question is, do I explain all of this to them, or should I just ask to see a gender therapist and keep pretending it may or may not exist? (which, I guess, if I come back from the gender therapist with a bipolar schizoaffective paranoid delusional diagnosis it could maybe possibly not)."

Hey - your therapist wants to hear your story first. Then he/she will probably give you an opinion on if you seem to be transgender. Well, a psychologist will, anyway - I don't know about a psychiatrist as I have never gone to one. But I have been to therapy - and is WASN"T ANYTHING like I thought it would be.

See if your parents will buy in to the therapist idea - yes, and you also have it right, a gender dysphoria specialist - or they will be wasting their money.

You can pretend or continue to fake whatever - BUT the therapist will give your parents the real you. Then they will HAVE to love and support you -'cause they will know you can't help what you are.

Well - in a perfect world, maybe - but your parents will almost certainly come around! Its better than what you have now - they are stalling and hoping you will "grow outta it" BZZZZZZT - won't happen. They hope there is a magic pill (there isn't). Hope you will come to your senses (you are ALREADY sane - you understand yourself very well according to your posting).

YIKES - a pep talk! But I really mean what I say...

Hey - good luck to ya - keep us posted on what happens.

[Guest CharlieRose]

I would ask to see a gender therapist. If you have to you can tell them you aren't sure and want a professional's opinion, but be honest about how unhappy you are right now... They might think a gender therapist would convince you that you're trans when you're not, so maybe you can just say a therapist and then find one who has gender experience.

But, yeah, that's gotta suck. They sound like they've made up their mind, at least for now, so as much as you want to scream in their face how right you are and risk them creating an equal and opposite reaction, I think it'd be smarter just to work with them, work around them perhaps, lie about how you're really feeling to ensure that you can get out of the house at the least, and then once you've done that you can work on either changing their minds (it'd probably be a lot easier once you're out of the house, because the longer you wait the older you get and the less likely it is to be a passing phase) or becoming independent.

Good luck. What dreams may come for who would bear the whips and scorns of time must give us pause... Something... (I think I combined like three different lines from that soliloquy. We're reading Hamlet, too.)

[Guest Cody_T]

yeah, sorry the main question was about being up front with them (since they don't know a therapist will help me in the steps to transition) or just hide my motives. Which I'm probably going to do. I'm not at all attached to my family (when I was little every single time I played pretend/imagined things I was an orphan), but I am very attached to my future/career because I'm annoyingly smart and feel like if I waste my potential i'm wasting my life/don't see any other reason for being alive. I think they'll be okay with a gender therapist, because I've been to therapists before (for "depression" although I think it was really more suicidality) and luckily I think that helped them accept that mental health is important and thus therapists. And that way I can avoid any further confrontation until I (hopefully) have someone backing me up

[Guest Elizabeth K]

yeah, sorry the main question was about being up front with them (since they don't know a therapist will help me in the steps to transition) or just hide my motives. Which I'm probably going to do. I'm not at all attached to my family (when I was little every single time I played pretend/imagined things I was an orphan), but I am very attached to my future/career because I'm annoyingly smart and feel like if I waste my potential i'm wasting my life/don't see any other reason for being alive. I think they'll be okay with a gender therapist, because I've been to therapists before (for "depression" although I think it was really more suicidality) and luckily I think that helped them accept that mental health is important and thus therapists. And that way I can avoid any further confrontation until I (hopefully) have someone backing me up

Okay - a bit more on that. Why not tell them you have some problems - don't be specific. People your age almost always have SOMETHING going on - I did. Then you can be more specific when you are with the therapist. That way you don't really have to deal with the standard parent reaction to , "Mom - Dad - I think I was born the wrong sex, and I want to be a boy!"

Actually you have no way to predict how they will react, other than it WILL be concern for you. Please try to understand that your need to transition is something you feel deeply about, but needs to be validated.

Wow - getting to sound like a parent here!

[Guest Crossroads]

yeah, sorry the main question was about being up front with them (since they don't know a therapist will help me in the steps to transition) or just hide my motives. Which I'm probably going to do. I'm not at all attached to my family (when I was little every single time I played pretend/imagined things I was an orphan), but I am very attached to my future/career because I'm annoyingly smart and feel like if I waste my potential i'm wasting my life/don't see any other reason for being alive. I think they'll be okay with a gender therapist, because I've been to therapists before (for "depression" although I think it was really more suicidality) and luckily I think that helped them accept that mental health is important and thus therapists. And that way I can avoid any further confrontation until I (hopefully) have someone backing me up

I think you know your parents better than any of us do. Do what will make you most happy. I'm hiding this from my parents until I'm on T a few months. But a lot of guys tell their parents before they see a therapist.