Help!

[Guest confusedguy]

Hi everybody,

I'm a 19 yr. old male and i just started looking into "making the transition" i feel like deep down i've always been girlish. i just wanted to talk to some people who are going through this process and get your input on why you did it, what you are going through and things like that so if you don't mind sharing your story i would greatly appreciate it.

[Guest Christy.dancer]

Hi everybody,

I'm a 19 yr. old male and i just started looking into "making the transition" i feel like deep down i've always been girlish. i just wanted to talk to some people who are going through this process and get your input on why you did it, what you are going through and things like that so if you don't mind sharing your story i would greatly appreciate it.

I'm 16 -- I'll be 17 next month -- and just embarking on my transition. This isn't a sudden thing -- I've been trying to understand my sexuality and gender issues for several years (really since middle school). If you're seriously interested, I'd love to talk. We can keep it here on the forum, if you'd like.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Hey, welcome!

I'm about your age so I thought I'd attempt to tell you some of my story...

Somehow I feel like my story is a little different than most here because for me it's mainly about physical stuff (i.e. wanting to be physically male since I was about 2 years old....around when I first knew what physically male meant ) I feel like for me that's more of a priority than it is for most here...I could be wrong, but it seems that the stuff I consider important but not so much so as the physical aspect - dressing, appearing, passing, etc. as your "gender of choice" - are the priorities for most as opposed to physical stuff.

So as of now I say I'm def. ftm because nothing else fits. I feel like I have a guy's brain. I can relate to guys more although, the gender of my friends went something like this: earliest friends mainly male, elementary/jr high/hs friends mainly female, college friends now pretty mixed but slightly more female. So where a lot of ftm's say they have more guy friends, that isn't necessarily true for me. Like I said, I relate to guys better, but since they don't know I'm trans they see me as female so that makes it difficult to be one of their "guy friends." Girls I'm quieter around and tend not to relate to as well but I just find it interesting to be in their company now and again. lol. So with socialization and all that my preference is to have a mixed group of friends when it comes to gender. That's kinda my "social" history if that helps at all...

The guy friends I had I always envied. I felt kinda left out when I would hang out with a bunch of guys and they would treat me differently. That's happened since I was really little, and still happens sometimes now. Then I started envying them physically and that also became part of the whole physical thing I had already begun struggling with.

I don't remember exactly how I found out about sex changes, but at first I didn't realize how difficult and expensive they can be and that they are far from perfect. I found that out through tv shows and stuff I guess around my early teens and was incredibly disappointed. Around that time I started committing myself to figure out once and for all what's really going on (still haven't really finished with that...I'll get to that later.) So I kept going through the possibilities. Never was attracted to guys, something about the thought of me having a boyfriend really just seemed kinda creepy and not me. Then I went through the other options - girls & asexual. Asexual didn't work because I knew I had some kind of sex drive even though I repressed it at the time. So I figured I must be attracted to girls. And I kinda hid that from myself because to think of myself as a female with any type of sexual desire just really made me uncomfortable and caused me a lot of anxiety. It just seemed really wrong. Same went for considering myself a lesbian. I know a lot of transguys go through the "I must be a lesbian" phase, but I couldn't picture myself as that so that was out. The only thing left was I must be ftm. And since I started thinking about myself as a male I don't really feel uncomfortable with the thought of myself as a man being attracted to women.

So now that I described all the physical stuff - which also helped me sort things out - my preoccupation with being physically male has gotten me curious that maybe something sets me apart from ftm's. So next month I'm thinking about bringing up to my therapist getting my natural T levels tested, and possibly getting tested for physical anomalies - like intersex-type stuff. I've heard on here a few ftm's actually have a prostate. But something makes me feel like this may be more than just a brain-body incongruity. So that's where I stand with it now. Also, sometimes I feel like certain things people experience during transition - mental & physical changes - I have already also experienced. And sometimes I feel like I already sorta have an androgynous look and body build without even taking T.

Don't know if any of this is helping. But I don't know, I've had the desire to be a guy since I was only about 2 or 3 years old, and the more I think of myself as a guy, the stronger that desire gets. The thing is something is stopping me from transitioning. I'm thinking it's the fact that even after I transition, I won't feel like I made a full transition, because I won't be "perfect" physically. So I feel like to go through all that and not be much happier, if at all, isn't worth it. The way I described it to my therapist is "I would transition if there were a light at the end of the tunnel. But right now I feel like there isn't." So basically I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a well-improved surgery to come along REALLY REALLY soon and I don't know how likely that is but I figured if it can't happen fast enough I'll have to find a way to get it done asap because I feel like that's the only way I'll ever feel truly happy.

So yeah, wanted to be a guy since I was really little. But it grew to become more of a physical thing than anything else. That's pretty much how I figured it all out....other than the stuff I haven't gotten tested for yet that I mentioned before..

Sorry if that didn't help much. Normally I'm not one to give advice but at least I made the effort.

[Guest confusedguy]

i'm a lil nervous..... the possibilities both excite and terrify me at the same time

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Hi everybody,

I'm a 19 yr. old male and i just started looking into "making the transition" i feel like deep down i've always been girlish. i just wanted to talk to some people who are going through this process and get your input on why you did it, what you are going through and things like that so if you don't mind sharing your story i would greatly appreciate it.

Well - don't know why there were no immediate answers - must be people are away for the holiday season. So Welcome if this is your first posting. One of the best ways to see what people are doing is to look at the BLOGS. Many tell their stories there. Also, look through the forums especially the general and the MTF.

And you may want to explore your feelings with a therapist - and they can help you know what you are in your heart. I did work with a therapist - why am I transitioning? I have to - no choice. I was never girlish, but I was never a man either, just a good actress. I was so miserable I was lashing out at everyone my whole life. Now I am working on blending mind, body and soul.

Good luck on your search for yourself.

[Sally]

First and absolutely of the utmost importance is to find a gender therapist and start couciling!

Transitioning is not something that you dabble with and then change your mind - a lot of the processes are irreversable, the first being coming out. Once you have told people that you are a transsexual you can't go back to them later and say - I was wrong, it was just a cold!

Then there is permanent hair removal - the name explains that!

Hormones will alter your body and with prolonged use cause sterility - which is also irreversible!

Then the name change and the Real Life Test, living as a woman for at least a year before you can have the SRS!

The surgery is the last major step - you are then truely a transwoman, that is why there are so many steps and letters required - this is major - a life changing event!

If you are truely transsexual then it is a great doorway to a wonderful life as your true self - if not it is the biggest mistake that anyone could ever make.

Seek guidance from professionals trained in dealing with Gender Dysphoria (the name given for this Gender Identity Issue).

Now as to my story - I didn't just feel girlish, from about the age of 6 I felt that I was with the wrong group. When they divided the boys from the girls at recess I always felt that I should have been with the girls! I liked the games they played and never liked the boys games.

By 9 I was sneaking into my mother's underwear drawer and wearing panties and stockings (long before pantyhose), I continued until I finally got a car and began to purchase clothes of my own - then I'd feel guilty and through them all away and try to be a man. It never worked and finally at 57 I have admitted that I am a transsexual and have begun my transition - it has cost me a marriage so far and who knows how many friends when I come out to everyone - but if you know that you have to become the woman that you have always been, no cost is to high!

I don't want to discourage or scare you, but I do want you to get all of the facts!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest confusedguy]

First let me say thank you for responding, trying to help, and sharing your stories.

I feel like for me the whole "sex change thing" is a lil sudden but, its like you said Elizabeth K I am trying to " find myself". sometimes i dont feel like i man or feel that i'd be better suited as a woman. but i dont know how to act like a woman consider i was rasied a man. sometimes i definatley wish i had female parts tho . the only thing is i am a college student and severely underfunded to see a therapist any suggestions???

Thanks again and i look forward to hearing from you

[Guest Christy.dancer]

First let me say thank you for responding, trying to help, and sharing your stories.

I feel like for me the whole "sex change thing" is a lil sudden but, its like you said Elizabeth K I am trying to " find myself". sometimes i dont feel like i man or feel that i'd be better suited as a woman. but i dont know how to act like a woman consider i was rasied a man. sometimes i definatley wish i had female parts tho . the only thing is i am a college student and severely underfunded to see a therapist any suggestions???

Thanks again and i look forward to hearing from you

Depends on your college. Many schools have very active LGBT groups that can help and perhaps point you in the direction of low-cost or free therapy.

[Sally]

Your college probably has councilors on campus and on the payroll, I would try to find out if any of them have any gender therapy training. It is possible that there would be one on staff, depending on the size of the college. Most (not all) 'Institutes of Higher Learning' tend to be a bit more liberal than the surrounding community, so it is possible. If they have a website listing services, you might be able to find out without outing yourself to anyone.

I hope that helps a little - I don't know what college you go to so I could be totally wrong! (VMI, the Naval Academy, etc. tend to be more conservative!)

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Just an additional thought here - it took me forever to find myself. So honey, don't rush it if you can't find the resources. I suspect though if you are in college there has to be a therapist somewhere - my daughter is a therapist at a local small university here - they are on staff mainly as a suicide watch - so many young people feel for whatever reasons, they just can't go on. Although gender dysphoria is prone to that, you sound reasonably non-suicidal. But knowing about suicide prevention efforts, ask around and see what turns up on campus. You might find someone hidden away in some department that can help you.

If that fails - do some reading and internet research on transsexualism - specifically that topic. "Sex Change" is an option, not a condition. See if anything seems to hit home. You may then be able to google up a real support group in your area - but you need to be prepared as support groups tend to be associated with all gender issues including homosexuality , cross dressers and such. It doesn't matter- don't be frightened. You are what you are, and contacting these people won't change you. Just be aware that some older people have a different agenda - don't be lured into something that isn't good for you. Laura's is protected. Other sites and support groups may not be.

There are 'admirers " and 'preditors" out there - you are young and more vulnerable than you know.

Be careful - but the earlier you start to find yourself, the happier you can be - if you can accept what you find.

Good luck on your search for yourself. If you have more questions, ask - almost anyone here will try to help you.

[Guest leo]

my story, my story...

well not quite sure where to start.

i guess all of my life (im now 18) iv been more comftable, when acting/dressing male

never felt right how i am.

i did go through a lesbian stage, thats the stigma that is still attached to me to must, other then close friends who know im ftm

i agree with the scary part cus im very scared about it all but at the same time i just cant wait

[Guest confusedguy]

I looked into it and my school's health services center does counseling sessions but nothing specific to gender therapy. Will any old counselor suffice?

[Guest My_Genesis]

Your college probably has councilors on campus and on the payroll, I would try to find out if any of them have any gender therapy training. It is possible that there would be one on staff, depending on the size of the college. Most (not all) 'Institutes of Higher Learning' tend to be a bit more liberal than the surrounding community, so it is possible. If they have a website listing services, you might be able to find out without outing yourself to anyone.

I hope that helps a little - I don't know what college you go to so I could be totally wrong! (VMI, the Naval Academy, etc. tend to be more conservative!)

Love ya,

Sally

What Sally said. lol. I'm also in college. I just started in Sept. and the counseling center at our school has people working in different specialties so at my initial consult I had the option to start seeing someone who has done a lot of work with gender identity issues. She isn't a "gender therapist" per se. She's actually an intern at the psych school going for her doctorate. And it's very low-cost. They also make referrals in the area. So you can probably find something like that.

My campus is also pretty liberal...but there isn't a whole lot of what I guess you would call sexual diversity on campus. But I mean I don't really have a problem with that because if I ever wanted to there are groups in the area I can join. I'm still kinda undecided about that though.