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So I Have A Problem


Guest leo

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so its xmas day, got a load of girly clothes but i can deal with that, my parents don't know im trans so i cant blame them!

but mum says my cousin is getting married and maybe my brother next year and they may ask me to be a bridesmaid!

ahhhhhhhhh

what should i do if i get asked, i cant be one of those.

i told mum i wouldn't do it and shes saying a really selfish :(

help please

x

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Guest StrandedOutThere

Hi there. I just had a similar thing happen to me.

My sister is getting married this coming August. Last summer, when she was thinking about her wedding, she asks me about being in the wedding. This was before I came out to my family. When I was home visiting my sister was telling me about her wedding plans. Then she is all like "I knew you wouldn't want to be standing up in front of everyone in a dress, but Mom and Granny said I still had to ask you if you want to be a bridesmaid". I told her that I definitely didn't want to wear a dress at all and that I appreciated her being sensitive to that. Problem handled!

For you, I think things will be a little more complex. I'm a bit older than you (I'm 30), so people don't really expect that they can tell me what to do or wear. If you aren't ready to come out to people, you could just try gently telling them that you aren't comfortable wearing a dress in front of people. You can say something vague like "I'm going through some personal stuff and I don't feel like wearing a dress would be true to my identity as I see it". Depending on how your family is, this may or may not work. My family is southern and very, very nosy. You have to give them explicit details about EVERYTHING.

One thing is certain. Just wait until the weddings actually happen before you worry too much. Start saying little things now though. Drop hints. If you are still wearing girly stuff on special occasions now, like to church, maybe start switching to slacks or something more androgynous.

I'm not sure if I am helping. I'm trying though. :)

Weddings are the bane of the transman! They are right up there with bathrooms. Man...I hate public bathrooms.

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I can certainly sympathize - at this point if someone asked me to be in a wedding it would be as a groomsman. I hate tuxedos, always have. The only way that I can deal with it until I come out and just show up in a dress would br to consider it like when I'm playing in a band - my tux is a costume, all part of the act!

If you can't get out of it without coming out and you don't feel ready yet, then consider the whole thing a play and your character is a cross dresser - you'll be the only one that knows, but it just might get you through without a melt down.

I've been cross dressing in my mind for such a long time I can't wait to come out and just be me!

Love ya,

Sally

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yemanshane im not sure when im going to come out

stranded out there, you make some good points, the last time i wore a dress was at my parents wedding in like 1997, but i said to my mum i didnt wona and she knows i wouldn't be court dead in a dress.

sally, i love acting (in my head) but i dont think ill be able to pull it off mainly because ahhh i just couldn't also there will be pictures!

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Guest Dutchie

Hiya,

I was pondering over one of my usual style replies, but StrandedOutThere and Sally said it all already!

He said something that might be essential now to build up towards your future:

One thing is certain. Just wait until the weddings actually happen before you worry too much. Start saying little things now though. Drop hints. If you are still wearing girly stuff on special occasions now, like to church, maybe start switching to slacks or something more androgynous.

Take this to heart, start going andro as soon as you feel comfortable with. Let people around you get used to a slowly changing you. And if you can't manage that right now, Sally's advice could be of use. See it as cross dressing, that's how I view putting on my clothes for work (although lately I'm pushing the limits again with ladies' sweaters and jeans).

Weddings are the bane of the transman! They are right up there with bathrooms. Man...I hate public bathrooms.

Pfff, I'm glad I don't have to worry about any weddings soon. But they're indeed up there with the (public) bathrooms! (Any bathroom that is not the one in our home.)

Dutchie

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Definately take the points Stranded made and think about them. Even if you're hesitating about putting the words out there you definately can start changing your attire at "important" events. Its puts it in peoples minds "ain't wearin a dress, don't care what kind of day". Also, I liked that Stranded actually talked directly to the sister about it. You might think of that as well. You might be in for a different kind of experience talking to a sibling saying "I love you and I want to be there for you emotionally but I can't do this one action. Please dont' "make" me have to do something that hurts me when I love you". That goes over entirely different to a sibling than (basically) a third party parent. The parent feels like they're "acting on behalf of" the sibling. But in fact you're going directly to the source and if your sis can "be ok" then really how anyone else feels becomes irrelevant.

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Sorry Leo,

I totally forgot about the pictures - you really don't want those floating around! To let you know how dumb I can be, I'm a wedding photographer! It's one of the places that I have to 'cross dress' in men's suits - I don't like it, but I have to earn the money for my transition and that is what I do.

I was just having one of my blonde moments! :D

I'll give my better advice - "Listen to Evan!" That always works!

Love ya,

Sally

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I'll give my better advice - "Listen to Evan!" That always works!

lol I almost spit out my fruit punch lol. ok, "listen to Evan" but only if he's had his T cuz otherwise there's no telling what you'll get LOL

I'm actually glad I'm on weekly shots now, I'm noticably better the day before the next one, for a second there it was like wakin up and not knowin who the heck I was the views were so .....irrational. And I think I managed not to post on days like that but I'm sure I did at least twice. T is a heck of a thing for a man who it gives the feeling of being at peace not only with himself but the outside world.

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Guest Jackson

Oh s**t, you know, I started reading this thread thinking I wouldn't ever have to worry about this, but then my younger brother is getting pretty serious with his girlfriend when they hosted Christmas today and invited people from both families. I can see a wedding in the future.

I'm not going to have this problem because my brother knows that I'm doing this and I'm sure (how could he not?) he's told his girlfriend about what I'm doing. Besides, I'm not afraid to tell her that it would be an honor to be in the wedding; however, they'd have to put me as a groomsman and not a bridesmaid.

I'm not going to worry about it. Why waste the energy?

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Guest Crossroads

My sister got married in 2006. I hadn't even considered being trans at that point, but I knew that I HATED dresses. In addition, my mom INSISTED that I grow my hair out (I kept it boy-short for convenience). So I talked to my sister. She knows I hate dresses. Normally, I would have just cut my hair nice and short and worn a tuxedo. However, my mom said that was completely out of line, so I talked to my sister. My sister said she didn't care. My compromise was that I would wear a formal shirt, some pants from around the house. I grew my hair out and then put it back in a ponytail. I looked okay, but not as hot as I look in my tux. It really upset me. I felt uptight the whole time. But really, going to talk to my sister was the best option. She was really understanding, she didn't want anyone miserable at her wedding, you know?

Anyway, just wanted to throw that in there. And also, there's nothing wrong with just saying "No thanks." or "I'm uncomfortable being in front of people" or "You know I hate dresses." My biggest excuse has always been, "I hate the draft" from under the dress.

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Guest Elizabeth K

:huh: Guys- my first cousin has been FTM forever. I don't remember EVER seeing her in a dress. She just tells everyone she won't wear one, end of argument. Everyone thought she was a closet lesbian when she was young, so she just let them think that.

If they want you in the wedding, be on the bridesmade side, but insist on wearing a tux.

I actually went to a wedding like that. The guy in the tux on the bridesmaid side simply reversed the color scheme of the guys in tux on the groom's side. Pink shirt, white tie, instead of white shirt, pink tie.

Worked really well. Everyone was happy. :D

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oh weddings....the bane of the trans existence indeed......for a wedding a while back i was forced to be a bridesmaid...dress and all....let's just say it did not go well :P...i'm pretty far along in transition though, so i just looked like a drag queen....if you were at the point where you were out and passed 100% that would be my suggestion :rolleyes: ...it was quite fun actually.......for me..

seriously though, i'd look into doing the androgynous thing...slacks and a nice shirt are pretty darn unisex and there are always ways to make it seem more fancy....or if you want to cop out of being a bridesmaid all together just say that you're shy and would really rather not be in front of such a large group

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Guest CharlieRose
Weddings are the bane of the transman! They are right up there with bathrooms. Man...I hate public bathrooms.

And seatbelts. I'll be all perfectly dressed and wearing nice baggy clothes so no one can see my chest at all, then I get in the car, buckle up, *SQUISH*

I just got a binder and am never taking it off until I get a mastectomy. (Well, maybe I'll take it off at night, but all the time otherwise!)

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Well andro clothes are the answer. I have two FTM riends who went to their emploters daughters wedding and both wore blue slacks and white blouses, and no one cares, thery were ha[[y and had a good time. So the answer for your cousins wedding is dress like you are transitioning, both sides of you will be conmfortable and no one will know and your cousin will still be the center of attention. Mia

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