Am I transgender or not?

[Guest UnkindMoney]

I'm wondering if I am transsexual, transgender (yes the all encompassing term), or just a regular teenage male with questions.

I'd prefer not telling you about my whole life, so for now I'm just going to talk about 5th grade onward.

In fifth and sixth grade I was bullied a lot (and I mean a lot) over rumors that I was gay, it caused a suicide attempt and the loss of all of my friends. It was an awful, awful time for me that utterly obliterated my trust in people and made me question my sexuality (to this day). There was a good side, however. In late sixth and early seventh grade I was curious about homosexuality, so in seventh grade I went to a website (can no longer remember what it was) telling one the signs of if I was a homosexual. I got my answer, but that isn't the important part. A related page was over signs of being a transsexual. I clicked it, but another student (this was in school) passed by the school issued laptop as I scrolled passed the word "Transexuality" In gigantic bolded letters. I freaked out and left the site, not wanting to repeat the torture of my earlier years.

The thoughts never escaped me, however. "I could become a girl?" "There are others thinking like this?" I dwelled on it much throughout seventh grade, and even decided not to go along with my prank (was going to grow my hair out super long then have it cut so people got confused. It seemed like an okay idea at the time XP ) and kept my hair as long as possible while still following school standards. I wanted to put an accesory (spelling, sorry) in it more often than not, and even hoped others would think of me as a female. I never made my hair more feminine, and I'm not sure anyone recognized me as a girl, to my dismay.

Over time fear and other stress took over, and the thoughts of gender questioning had to wait. I still convinced my mom to let me keep my hair long, but otherwise I acted like a perfectly normal teenage boy (even going so far as to call one of my favorite movies (The Little Mermaid) gross). I won't say that these three-four years had no gender questioning or wishes (actual birthday wishes, no less), but for the most part I had very little free time to think independently, and even then I had other thoughts on my mind as well.

This year, with my grades up and my social life fairly safe, I had more free time to think about everything, and it happens that a friend of mine reminded me of transsexuality, so my mind began to dwell on it much more. I'm currently seeing a counseller, and she based my entire question around: "Do you think you'd be happier as a woman?"

There are too many variables to it, but I think the answer is yes.

[Guest LizMarie]

Work with your counselor (or get a referral to a trained gender therapist) and take your time to find out who you really are. Ignore the bullies. You'll outgrow them and have the satisfaction of knowing that you are yourself, whoever that turns out to be.

If you believe that you really would be happier living as a female, you may want to discuss with your counselor and your parents about getting on hormone blockers. Hormone blockers won't make you into a female (or a male). They'll just call "timeout" on your body while you figure all this out. Once you are on hormone blockers (assuming you can get them), you'll have plenty of time to decide things. If you decide to continue life as a male, tell the doctor that you're ready to stop the hormone blockers and he'll take you off them under supervision and male hormones will begin to work on your body again. If you decide to continue life as a female, your doctor can instead prescribe female hormones to direct your body's growth in a more feminine direction.

I wish you luck in finding yourself and in living a true authentic life, whatever that may be for you. So many of us have wasted years pretending to be what we never really were.

[Carolyn Marie]

Well, the short answer is, only you will know, probably with the help and advice of a gender therapist. They will guide you through self discovery, and bring out any related issues like anxiety, depression, and other issues. But they (usually) won't just come right out and tell you, either. It is something you have to discover for yourself. It is also not always a yes or no question. The reason we often call it a "gender spectrum" is because there is wide variation in gender identity, and you may fall in between somewhere. There are transgenderists, androgynes, cross dressers, and all manner of other ways of being.

When the time is right, hopefully you'll get to see a G.T. In the meantime, stick with us and learn all you can about all of this very confusing stuff.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Ney'ite]

Ty, from the sounds of it, you are still in school, though perhaps the upper grades? One thing that seems to be very much across the board - these gender questioning feelings do not really ever go away until they are answered. They may sit quietly just under the surface for a while, but they are still there.

Though I do not know if your counselor has experience in the gender arena, and depending on your age, something to consider would be a therapist with experience in gender-related issues, or a gender therapist period. Again, this depends on your age and your situation (parents, living at home, cost, etc).

Laura's has countless member-stories that you may find very helpful reading about, much of their experiences, first thoughts, challenges, having striking similarities to yours.

The cat is out of the proverbial bag and rarely ever goes back. When one embraces it and with professional assistance, discovers their true inner being, eventually peace within takes over and that is a wonderful feeling to finally become who you were meant to be.

[Guest UnkindMoney]

My counselor (I still can't spell that word XP ) is experienced in the gender area, yes. She has (Somewhere around) 25 years of experience, and has transsexuality listed as one of her subjects. I chose her because she was A: Very affordable for a 17 year old making $7.55 an hour for around 20 hours and B: Relatively close by.

Yes, I am a junior in high school.

I have no idea how to feel. I am certain that I am in the wrong body, but I'm so afraid of being wrong and realizing it too late.

Thank you for recommending sections to read, I'll start as soon as I finish my math work.

Thank both of you for the quick responses!

[Drea]

Nobody can answer that question but you. Find a therapist, explore yourself and find where it takes you. If you are new to this it is the perfect time to explore these issues in therapy before loading yourself up with outside information that will interfere with your own objectivity about yourself. Such self exploration is difficult enough without adding lots of outside ideas.

Just because someone has some similarities, doesn't mean you are the same nor what they are doing is right for you.

Choosing to change gender roles and/or modify one's body are treatments that is usually undertaken to deal with serious issues and one has to balance benefits of such treatements againsts the costs, limitations and the ongoing challengs such adds to ones life. Many make a choice, for others the initial symptoms are so bad that they effectivly have no choice.

[Charlize]

Hi dear, Please don't pressure yourself regardless. I know it all seems urgent. I've been frustrated in getting HRT. It has taken months. Very frustrating, but i finally have everything together and have an appointment next week. The pressure is on ....but no i'll be years in transition even after i start. Slow down and enjoy what i've got! I'm 64 years old and maybe that has helped realize this. You have time.... You won't realize it "too late". relax, learn, enjoy life

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest UnkindMoney]

First things first: I just got back from the consular (she is specialized in everything, but both she and I were wondering if that would be valid for the three month HRT requirement), and I've learned a little more about how to teach my mom about all this, should I be transgender. Other than that we simply talked about what I told you all here, with a little more information. She's been a huge help so far in me finding myself, but I'm struggling with my unreasonable time expectations.

Thank you Charlie, Drea, and Liz for your responses .

Charlie, I understand that patience is key, I'm just being told that it would be easier later on if one starts HRT during puberty, and I don't have much more time for that. I'm just anxious about everything, on top of being afraid that I'm not actually transgender (despite how I feel and my confidence, there is still doubt and fear that I'm wrong).

[Guest StaciAnne]

Talk to your Doctor or therapist about Anti-androgens to repress full onset of puberty to give yourself more time to discover yourself without pushing your body one way or the other.