Headcase Blues

[Guest ~Emmie~]

For starters. I am a 26-year old living in New Jersey; formerly from the great white North, I've been down here for going on three years, living with my girlfriend and her family (when we moved down, they offered to help us with housing, which has been unbelievably generous, in this horribad economy). However, with recent feelings, I'm stating to think maybe I've gotten myself in a tough situation.

Most of my life, I've struggled with mild-to-moderate OCD; essentially, my brain lacks the ability to regulate serotonin, a key chemical regulating everything from one's mood, to satisfaction with one's body image, ability to relate to others socially, the ability to remember and think clearly, and a variety of other important higher brain functions. You may have seen the documentary "Obsessed", which follows individuals with the condition, and ranges from moments of black hilarity to absoluly horrific scenes of people stuck in their own heads, unable to escape their compulsions. I once read that OCD is present in over 35% of the population of the United States, but it is so underdiagnosed or untreated, myriads of other conditions are assigned to patients. I was actually diagnosed with Tourettes by a horribly misinformed clinical center. And that's why I'm a little nervous about going in to GT next month.

I've become familiar with my condition's effects on my behavoir- notably, the performing of compulsions, done in the form of physical or mental "tics", simple to complicated "rituals" performed to alleviate the immense stress my obsessions cause in my day-to-day functioning. But, I got treated for this originally in 2001. Therapy helped me get past the illness, and grow as a functioning person, and happy, to a degree.

But increasingly, I find myself miserable. I had bouts of extreme depression (like most adolescents) in middle and high-school; mostly due, I thought, to frustrations of OCD. But I'm lately thinking about how often I used to have vivid dreams of turning into a girl- and waking up so damn HAPPY, then, lying in bed, realizing I was awake, and just trying to get back to sleep, to get that feeling again. It sounds stupid- I know. Drinking and self-medicating in college, attempting to recapture the feeling of self-acceptance. Scrunching down into my hoodie on the way to classes, wishing I felt on the outside how I felt (and feel) on the inside. I know I'm not homosexual- which is to say, growing up in the UU Church, having a few gay friends, and an uncle, I'm not judging of those who are- but, I know how I feel. Which isn't like a guy. I'm not exceptionally girly in my mannerisms or dress- but I could be ok with doing more of that. I like "girl" shirts, and the punk-chick scene. I'm growing my hair out- and last week, shaved my chest. It felt amazingly freeing. Bizzare, and scary as heck, but- freeing.

I've read up on HRT- and it feels *right*. Incredibly expensive, and long-term, and it would probably cost me my relationship. But there'd be people that could help me get by.

My girlfriend (who I'm living with, and who I love deeply) has tried to convince me this is just my OCD screwing me up. But I'm really not believing it. I just want to be myself. Not particularly sure who that is right now.

Anyways, to anyone who reads this- thanks for listening. It means a lot. Peace.

-M.A

[Carolyn Marie]

First, let me welcome you to the Playground, M.A. I hope that you find some of the answers you're looking for right here. I don't know very much at all about OCD, but I do know that a significant percentage of our members have psychological or medical issues that intersect with their being TG. I offer that as a reassurance, and not any sort of conclusion or theory.

I think you may also have heard some exaggerations about the cost of HRT. Including the initial and follow up doctor visits, lab tests and monthly costs, we're talking hundreds of dollars, not thousands, and the cost goes down greatly after those initial labs and doctor visits. But we're getting way ahead of ourselves. First, learn all you can here, check out some resource links, and when you are ready, start thinking about a gender therapist to help you find some of those answers.

We try to keep the site in the PG arena, and we use the Terms and Conditions to help us do that. So please read them as soon as you can, if you haven;t already.

I look forward to reading your posts.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie