Abrupt, intense week of wishing I was a girl

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

Most of the time I'm totally okay with and even proud of who I am and how I look. But this past week I was filled with sadness and rage about not being biologically female. I started making checklists of procedures and surgeries I would need, but then I'd look at myself in the mirror and focus on all the things which can never change: my height, the width of my ribcage, my hand size...

I've been watching the show Boardwalk Empire and there's a solid amount of female nudity in it. A couple times when I'd see a pretty girl who's just comfortable in her own body, it made me slam my fists down.

Now I'm looking in the mirror again and going, "oh yeah, I'm a really cute guy..." and I'm happy with myself and where I'm going.

Stupid imbalanced brain chemicals making me discontent!

[Carolyn Marie]

Jo, I know this may sound harsh, but those things you mentioned are superficial, and really count for little. How many natal women have perfect bodies? How many actresses have bodies like nine tenths of the rest of female humanity? Does not having a perfect body make you less female? I don't think so, and neither should you.

None of us, not a single one, either FtM or MtF, will ever have the body we want. We will always be missing something, or be trying to rid ourselves of something unwanted. That should not determine our happiness, Jo. You should not let it make you feel less of a woman. Who you are is determined most by what is inside your head. Trust me on this, hon. I've been full time now for 18 months, my body shape is nowhere near what it ought to be, I wear a wig when out of the house, and my face is anything but lovely. Yet, I am satisfied, for the most part. More importantly, I am happy. I get treated as a woman, and have never had a problem.

There are things we can change, and things we can't. That is the same with everyone, natal or trans. You're going to do fine, Jo. I know you will.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Lacey Lynne - Free Spirit]

Ditto that here, Jo!

Carolyn Marie has got that right! Of course, she usually does! Believe her, honey!

Besides, you're rocking androgyny with style and grace and, best of all, with individuality! However, if you DO decide to go further toward the female side, well, we have no choice but to hail you with hearty praise and lavish approbation! Whatever you decide, we're with you!

Oh, about the nude girls: How many times have I blathered about the clothing-optional resorts and life-style on these forums? Well, you got a taste of what I've been talking about! Ain't it GRAND?!? Friggin' A, baby!

Peace & Joy Lacey Lynne

[Guest Micha]

Something very similar happened to me. Thought identifying as an androgyne was enough, never considered myself male or androgynous male, or any such thing. Androgyne was my noun, not adjective. . . it wasn't a description of what kind of boy or girl I was, it simple was what I identified as. Thought that was all I needed. Then I went through a short period of time dealing with intense depression and despair. Realized it was because I wasn't a cis woman.

The despair has passed, but it made me realize that I was still denying myself a truth - perhaps I'm an androgynous girl. . .

And so what if I am? It's self discovery. The process is harsh, but the results are completely worth it.

So what does it mean for you? Maybe your gender is a bit fluid? Perhaps sometimes being a "cute guy" isn't what your natural inclinations are leading you to. Maybe sometimes you need to be a hansome girl? Maybe. . . these are discoveried for you to make, but I would offer that those feelings were not simply a passing phase or a moment of insecurity. I would look at it as an internal subconscious voice trying to catch your attention.

As always, it's on you to figure out exactly what it is, and I hope you the best.

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

Thanks for the positive thoughts, friends.

Carolyn Marie, thanks for the effort, but I thought I should let you know your words are of no solace to me. You assume I long for a female identity. I don't. I really don't care whether or not people see me as male, female, both, or neither, so long as I'm not treated with disrespect. You say physical appearance is superficial, but for me, that's all there is to my gender issues. I'm exceptionally happy with who I am in all other respects. For me to minimize the significance of my one real, unobtained desire in life sounds more unhealthy than simply enduring the occasional sharp pain in brings.

Lacey Lynne, thanks. I always get a genuine sense of admiration out of you. It's good to feel admired .

Micha, interesting thought. I'm usually inclined to believe that human brains are complex beasts with patterns but no underlying "truth"; at least none simple enough for us to properly comprehend. As such, the only way I can define identity is who I am at any given moment (which is the opposite of how many psychologists define it). Last week it would have been easy for me to say I was born with the wrong body. Today, that's simply not true, "Fluid" is the only way to describe it overall, but that's like saying "the only thing that's consistent is inconsistency", an unnecessary distinction in my opinion. I don't think it was any deeper self showing through. It's simply who I was at that time. If anything, it gives me more reason to feminize my body.

[Guest Annabelle Anders]

Wow, i've been having a similar week.

I just gotta say this. I get where you are coming from Jo when you talk about seeing beautiful women, (to reiterate your point: women comfortable in their skin).

Even cis women will look at them and then feel bad about themselves. Its not smart at all and in the grand scheme means little about who we are as people. Yet to us, or to me at least, it goes quickly from "why can't I look like her?" To "oh, yeah you're a dude." Sometimes the natural self esteem testers can send you into a spiral.

I don't haveany advice since im spinning a little bit myself (hence my absence). So I wish you peace of mind.

ALWAYS,

Annabelle

[tracy_j]

Perhaps re-iterating a lot of the above (very good comments)

I must say a lot of the time my mind jumps from male to female and back on a varying timescale. I can understand the way you feel - I usually have no issues with feeling female - it is a state of mind and I just drop into it without thinking sometimes even to the extent of forgetting I am male. My main problem is looks as I do not look particularly girlish although have made superficial changes. I am older so not so youthful looking either. I could quite easily wear anything female without being particularly self conscious but am limited by looks. People seem to have a threshold which if breached causes them to stop in amazement or similar. Below they accept or are perhaps just slightly amused.

In essence my wish to be a girl would be to look more the part as I do feel and live it at times. At others it is good to be male so there has to be a happy medium. I have no intention to push for any change but it would be nice.

Tracy x

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Jo,

I read your post and it was posted in Nov. 12, 2013.

How are you feeling today.

We are our own worst critics when it comes to our own looks.

Gender is what is between your ears, not what is between your legs.

Instead of looking at superficial appearance, concentrate on being happy mentally in whatever gender you are more comfortable with.

Female, both trans & cis, come in all different shapes, sizes and colors.

I hope that you can find your "Comfortable Self" soon.

Some are taller than me, have larger hands then me etc.

You appear to be young and possible living with your family.

I would definitely recommend seeing a Gender Therapist but that may not be possible.

Some FREE material that may help you are:

PFLAG Publication( Be Yourself Q &A for LGBT Youth)( PDF) http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594

I Think I Might Be Transgender, Now What do I Do? (PDF)

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=731&Itemid=177http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Story?id=3088298&page=1#.Ud8yuVXD_IU

These publications will help you better understand some of the feeling that you are going through.

I wish you a lifetime of Happiness in finding and being your True Self.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Jo,

I have some additional links that may be helpful to you.

http://www.wikihow.com/Know-if-You-Are-Transsexual

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Yourself

http://www.wikihow.com/Come-to-Terms-with-Feeling-Ugly

Hugs,

Carla