Gender fluid?

[Guest pixel]

So... I'm a... well okay... I'm a biological female who has had cross-gender feelings and desires for as long as I can remember (they inhabit some of my very first memories).

I went through a stage of dating women and dressing very masculine. I think my self esteem was at its high point then. I began dating a male, and started attempting to "fit the part" of a straight(ish) female. Obviously that has not been working out. Even still, I dress as a "tomboyish" girl when I do accept the role.

I explained to my boyfriend the cross-gender feelings I have, and he is very accepting and supportive. So I'm lucky for that.

The problem I'm facing is... while some days I'm happy in the female role, enjoy makeup, etc... Some days I experience extreme gender dysphoria and could not picture myself living my life out as a woman. I wish to have what my boyfriend has, physically... And it hurts me, and puts me in a really strange state of mind.

My body is more "male" shaped in most ways (broad torso/shoulder, narrower hips, flat chest) so I can pass for a male easily, sans my voice.

I'm just struggling here figuring myself out. Some days I'm a gay male, or a straight female, or any variation in between. I joined this site for some needed support. I've been struggling with this and maybe someone can understand my feelings, or help me sort things out.

[Guest AdorkableAJ]

Welcome to LP and I'm happy for you that your boyfriend is accepting of who you are. In a way, I can kinda relate to what you're feeling; some days I have strong dysphoria and wish I was a cisman, while others I find myself okay with my body and who I am as I am now. You're not alone. I know, it's really confusing and I haven't even gotten myself figured out so I don't know if I can be of much help, but if you ever wanna talk or anything, I've got your back.

You've got my support if you need it.

-Al

[Guest Luca]

I think I feel very similarly to much of that. I'm comfortable in the male role, but physically I just want a female body. It's been kind of a strange few months since I've started questioning my gender identity: I thought I identified as male, then androgynous, then gender fluid... Most recently, during the hours I've spent discussing this with an incredibly supportive friend, I realized I just want to transition and call myself female.

I think what tripped me up so much was linking gender roles to gender identity. Once I was able to separate those, I found that being male-bodied feels like I'm wearing a costume. It's a good costume, but it's exhausting and even painful to wear. I'd rather take it off and actually identify with my body.

So maybe we're in the same situation and maybe not, but the more I talk and listen and read, the clearer this all gets for me. I hope it goes that way for you as well, and you are definitely not alone.

[Guest pixel]

Welcome to LP and I'm happy for you that your boyfriend is accepting of who you are. In a way, I can kinda relate to what you're feeling; some days I have strong dysphoria and wish I was a cisman, while others I find myself okay with my body and who I am as I am now. You're not alone. I know, it's really confusing and I haven't even gotten myself figured out so I don't know if I can be of much help, but if you ever wanna talk or anything, I've got your back.

You've got my support if you need it.

-Al

Thank you, and right back at ya.

When I was younger I was under this impression that I would grow a penis... When I hit puberty that desire and hope was even stronger. As I went through puberty I went through fantasies of being a teenage boy, bouts of self-hatred, cutting, eating disorders etc. because I hated my body and what it said to me: "You are neither male nor female". And to this day, I feel that way.... But I have grown to love it more and more.

Coming to terms with this is helping me to accept the "Nikki" and that I do not have to conform to a single gender role or identity. I honestly wish I could find it in myself to transition, but it may not be the best option for my lifestyle and family. :/ Maybe someday!

[Guest angels wings]

Hello Pixel , welcome to Laura's:) I see this is your first post. if you like you can make a small intro of yourself in the introduction forum . Looking forward to getting to know you

Angel

[Simon/Sarah]

I'm with you Pixel as what you describe what your feeling and going through sounds exactly like what i'm going through in life at the moment except i'm the opposite gender to you. My only advice is to hang on to your boyfriend if he is supportive of you as I have found my wife who is supportive of my CD to be a huge support in my life while I figure out what I am and how I want to live.