I don't know what I am, and I really need support

[Guest lostandconfused]

I'm very confused. I am 21 years old, biologically female. I am unbelievably confused. Since I was 13 or so I've been confused about my gender. I have felt since about 15 or so that I was not just female. I've identified as "Pan-gender" for the last few years. But uh, this is where it gets really confusing. I have always felt that I was supposed to be born with a penis. Not born as a male, but born with a penis. It wouldn't even matter if I had breasts, because I would still have a penis. The thing is, I don't want to transition. I don't want hormones or surgery. I've researched since I was 15, and I do know a good deal about it. And the Idea of surgery and hormones and therapists going through my brain to see what gender I am is absolutely terrifying. And, I do know it wouldn't be a "real" penis.

To confuse things even more, I have no sexual desire. I do not feel arousal, or pleasure. This may be due to depression medication that I've been on since I was 12. I'm unsure, and it adds a huge layer of anxiety and confusion.

I don't know if I can be classed as transgender, because while sometimes I'm convinced I'm a boy, I really just want a penis. If I'm thinking about sex, it's with me having a penis. If I imagine self gratification it's on a level of Me having a penis, and "It's feel good for once if I did, too." I feel very much that I was meant to be someone with a penis, in a relationship with a male.

Beyond the fact that I have no libido, and don't feel pleasure, I know I do like all genders. I am very much so Pansexual. I don't care what gender you are, there is a chance I'll like you.

It's just all very confusing. My parents do know about my gender differences, but they don't know the full extent of it, and to be honest nither do I. I just feel I was meant to be me, with a penis.

Can anyone help me out here? I'm glad I've finally found this place, because I've been researching and searching and trying for so long that I am seriously confused.

Thanks,

E

[MaryEllen]

Hello Lost and Confused,

Welcome to the playground. You didn't mention that you'd ever been to counseling. If you haven't, I recommend counseling with a gender therapist. He/she could go a long way in helping you to find answers as to what you are.

MaryEllen

[Guest Robin Winter]

I can understand how you feel. I wish I had better advice, but I can only mirror what Mary Ellen said. You really need to find a way to see a gender specialist, it's the best, most effective way to move forward and figure things out.

[Guest lostandconfused]

It's just scary. I've started seeing regular therapist and my second meeting is next week. But I'm not sure she'll quite understand about this. I've been very very depressed lately.

[Guest angels wings]

Hello (((((((hugs))))) the journey to discovery you can be scary . But as you work through each therapy session you will begin to understand yourself better . You will get there just be patient

Angel