Looking for genderqueer advice

[Guest Burning Spirit]

I just cant stand the transgender spectrum, probably because there isn't a place on its scale i can really fit in, people who know all about transexualism really know nothing. if you asked them what degrees of feelings you would have to have to fit in the transexual category they would stereotypically say that you would need to have felt like this since you were little and must hate your current body. but those two statements dont mean anything to my problems. my problems are that i have unremovable desires to be a girl, and my desires are powered by my autism. i am forced to crossdress secretly every night. no i do not do it out of choice i have to do it to stop the thoughts overpowering me.

I hate having erections i feel so uncomfortable with it but that doesnt disqust me of my male genitila. id just rather have a vigina, i do not despise my male body i just have powerful desires to be the oposite. but i have no traditional form of transexualism as i have not felt like this since i was little. i didnt discover it till mainly puberty and i dont have any self disqust.

The only category i can find myself to fit into is genderqueer because i have anger with my current body. these desires are not interests or hobbies. it is like an illness that you cannot get rid of. My mind tells me i should have breasts and a female body but i tell it to shut up and i carry on doing the things i enjoy, everyday i am asked "Will you surrender and become a girl?" No i answer, the brain then replies "Well too bad because im going to make you, sooner then later you will have to become a girl" thats what its like i wish i could carry on in life and i can i just dont want to be asked the same question over and over again "You must transition" i know i am phsyicly forced but i am mentally.

There is always. One answer "See a therapist, transition" "No i want more options i want more of a choice". Im not thinking of suicide but its not a pleasent experience its like in a video game when you are asked yes or no, sometimes you will have to select yes to progress as you cannot progress saying no.

So what category do i fit into? Should i transition?

Edited November 24, 2012 by 4 Charlie
inappropriate language

[Charlize]

Hi dear and sorry for the edit. Nothing personal. I'm a prude.

I can relate to your pain and discomfort and am glad you feel comfortable enough to post here again. I remember dressing in secret for years. I couldn't come out to my parents when i was young and then couldn't come out to my wife. I did finally see a therapist after hearing it here so often. She helped in ways i didn't expect or maybe i finally allowed myself to be helped. This is in no way pressure to move in any way. Its just my experience and we are all different. We do share our need to relate to others, however. Laura's has been a wonderful place for me to find out more about myself in a nonjudgemental setting.

Hope to hear more from you.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

Hi Burning Spirit,

I moved your topic over to the correct forum for you. I really hear your frustration about whats going on. Many of the feelings and confusion you describe are pretty much consistant with my understanding of the Dysphoria most of us experience. The eroticism is experienced by many though not all. I wiki'd genderqueer a few days ago when someone used it and its possible it describes me as well as the user. I identify with wanting a feminine body though perhaps not genitalia.

Perhaps the most important thing to me is that I am not consumed with a need to label myself. If you feel that some in the trans community are trying to define the issue in ways that you don't agree with , maybe read something else? Your journey is your journey. How to reconcile who we are is very personal. I'd rather not let some "theorist" define my reality.

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest Angel Heart]

Definitely - don't fall for labels. Just be yourself.

I can tell you: I didn't really know anything was wrong until puberty either - and sometimes not even then. My pain and desires to be a girl got transformed by my male desires until I incorrectly identified as a cross dresser for a while. I thought I was content. I didn't know anything was wrong.

But now that I'm transitioning, I can definitely look back and see that it is a very good thing. I am SO happy!

You don't have to hate your body to be transsexual. I've only recently realized that my male genitals are really bothering me. Of course, erections and orgasms were always disgusting. But never-the-less...

I know you don't want to hear this, but: a therapist will do wonders for you. If you see a therapist, you won't be forced to transition. But if you want to transition, you must see a therapist. :/ It is an over-regulated process if you ask me.

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Spirit:

You don't have to appologize for anything. We are all individuals with the one constant in that we are all different and that is quite alright. I would have to say in my experience that we have all struggled to find answers because life has dealt us a very difficult set of circumstances. Spirit, just know the secret to acceptance is the realization that no matter the differences, we are good decent people who just are trying our best.

The more answers you get, the more questions those answers generate for people like us. Sirit, Wherever in the gender spectrum you find yourself, it's your spot and it's alright to be there. It takes awhile for all of us to become comfortable in our spot on the Spectrum. It's not important when you begin discovering yourself. The important thing is that you are developing an understanding of what it is that is causing you discomfort. Many of the folks on this forum took decades to dsicover and understand themselves. So what if I knew at age 5. In the 1960's nobody took us seriously. They thought I was a deviant mental misfit who needed fixing. I was terrorized by a jerk with a Psychology degree.

I truely hope that you find peace within yourself. You don't have to explain how you are feeling because I and many other members of this community understand how you are feeling and if we try and help each other, we can all benefit from understanding each other. Peace within Life Spirit. Kathryn

[Guest Paulette B]

You're probably not going to be satisfied with any answer here until you are more comfortable with your body and your urges.

A few questions: What attracts you in others: male and female (andro)? Do you want to be them or be like them? Do you dress up? Do you have an urge to be seen dressed? Are you afraid you will be found out, arrested, laughed at, abused? Do you hope for any of these things?

These are tough questions for any young person, and the most common answers are that you just don't know.

While you're considering them, and while you're considering counseling, please keep yourself safe. If you have hurt yourself or put yourself in harms way, no matter how, there are people here who know pretty much how you feel. Talk to them.