(An) Emerging Theme(s) In My Life

[VickySGV]

Considering the fact that I have had commercial photographers in my family since the mid 1800's I have quite a collection of old family pictures, at the minute, nearly 25 boxes completely filled with them. A few years ago when I got my first scanner, I began working on digitally preserving these pictures since some are over 100 years old, and as soon as I get one box completed, someone else says "oh here are some more family photographs". I recently got another 5 boxes from stuff at my deceased sister's house that I am almost afraid to begin on.

Over the past year, as I have come out to some of the family and even family friends, I have been sharing these pictures via my computer, or a CD etc with my family just to let them know of my continued interest in the family and people they and I have lived with, and our memories. An emerging theme for me though is that the people I show these to, look at pictures that have me in them in my male self, and ALL of them to date have made a point of saying how much more comfortable I appear in my OWN BODY these days as compared to the pictures of me they see from the past. I see them look at the old pictures, and look over at me, and re-focus on the video screen, and then sneak a look back at me. Then they reaffirm their statements of how much more open and comfortable I look today. Even one family member who will not talk to me again (they say) , did send a thank you note for a CD I sent then, and grudgingly admitted how happy I look now, in contrast to the old days. I know now though why I was never comfortable having my pictures taken, they had not invented the magic camera then that could see the real me.

A related theme has been from some TG people that I knew before my coming to grips with being Transsexual and have not seen in a few years. NONE of them are surprised that I am TS, almost all of them say they knew I was different from their place in TG land, and the others just say they did not believe me when I presented myself as CD or the earlier negative context word. I feel like crying a bit and wanting to ask, "Why didn't you tell me this before?" The real answer there is though I would not have believed them if they had told me. Yeah, I probably was the only one who did not KNOW because I was so afraid of knowing it that I convinced myself I didn't know it.

Moral of this story is, do not try to destroy your past preserve it and share it, its the contrast and the brightness with who you are today that can warm cold hearts in your favor.

[Guest otter-girl]

Hi Vicky. I agree about not erasing your past. Its just another kind of purging and not the same as coming to terms with it. Also I absolutely love old photos.

Hugs

Rachel

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Your past is part of who you are.

Thank you Vicky.

Love.

Brenda

[Guest Melissa~]

Here's a nice classic pre-transition candid of me - top center.

My life was over then, just a matter of checking into the morgue with a stress heart attack before 40. Life -is- better now.

[Charlize]

Thank you Vicki, It is an amazing thing the way folks have seen the peace an happiness in me now. I'm sure it is one of the reasons my wife has become so accepting. 4o years of being with an unhappy person. My poor wife. I can't regret that past. It is and was the best i could do. The cards were played after being dealt by something beyond me. I'm just glad to be in a full house now. How's that for a crazy analogy. Thanks for your wisdom.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Kylie2112]

I still have pictures of me from before. I was happy then...I'm happier now, but I was happy then

[Guest Claire_H]

I know now though why I was never comfortable having my pictures taken, t

Interesting, I hate having my photo and have since my teens (even for my work ID card). It will be fascinating to see if I overcome this on my journey.

Claire

xxxxxx