sorry

[Guest spunky monkey]

hello,

my name is rachelle and i have been struggling the past couple of months, let me explain.....

i got a friend request from my ex fiancée and she asked me how things were and i suggested stopping transition and hoping too stop hormones and too going back too being boy friend and girl friend....it ended up with me in hospital under suicide watch because i just couldn't cope with the idea of giving up transition plus i was doing it too make her happy and not me.

i told her i wanted too make my name official and she told me i was going too quickly and i told her it feels like the world is against me and i have had plenty of suicidal thoughts and have been strong enough too not act on them, im also a cutter and have scars on my legs from over a year ago.

if i cant cope with rejection and hormones there is no way im going too be able too handle surgery and the things being a real woman will bring, a trans woman of course.

my psychiatrist once asked me when i was in his office what makes you think that once you become a woman you will be happy...i honestly couldnt give him an answer its an unknown quantity and i don't know im hoping ill be a lot more mentally stable when i go under the knife but i guess the problem i have is my family don't understand the emotional stress and anxiety they are putting me under,no one should feel so hated and it shows in my health and the fact im addicted too codine.

i want too thank my friends that chat too me and the moderators who talk me out of being dark you are truly wonderful people and i dont think i would be alive without your help....your more family than friends.

love always rachelle

[Guest ~Brenda~]

You are part of this family too rachelle.

Always keep that in mind hon.

We are all here for each other.

All my love.

Brenda.

[Michelle 2010]

Hi Rachelle, it can get pretty intense can't it? I think in the beginning most of us fear losing many, if not all, of those we hold dear. But for most of us it gets better as some depart and some stay loyal... I think it very important to realize that feelings today that seem like they will last forever, will eventually change and get better. The one thing that could mess it up bigtime is an addiction because addiction kind of freezes us in time, anesthetizing... coming too, numbing out again.... coming too again and so on... A tape loop of pain, numbness, pain, numbness etc. At some point people will start deserting because your an addict, not because of being trans... And ya might not ever know which was which...

Its important to surround yourself with new positive people, but only when you get clean. Positive people don't enable addicts cause addicts will suck you dry... True...

as Brenda says, you re loved here. Please keep coming back. If you can't stop the codiene on your own, please get help.

Hugs

Michelle

Edited December 9, 2012 by Michelle 2010
a word

[Charlize]

Thank for posting dear. It takes guts to admit you have a problem with any substance. Its the first part of getting better. So many of us just go on never seeing the problem. If you can please try to get to an AA or NA meeting and you will find acceptance. There are GLBT meetings as well just go on line they don't hide but they won't push either. If you need a ride just ask. In the rooms we help ourselves by helping others. I have made amazing friendships with all kinds of folks. If you are interested we also have meetings here in chat. One is on Thurs. @ 5:00 eastern and one on Sun. @ 9:00 eastern. Please join us there if you haven't already. Sometimes i can't tell who folks are from here to there because of the name changes. Again thanks for posting. You are an important part of this world!

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest spunky monkey]

thanks ladies,im seeing a psychiatrist too help me with my feelings of hopelessness and my codine addiction...im not the same person i once was im less confident about my future.

love rachelle

[Guest]

One thing really cool about twelve step meetings is you can go as often as you like and it's free, or throw a buck in the basket. Seeing a professional is the medicine, daily meetings are the vitamins! Just from one sister to another in the Forum family. Hug. JodyAnn

[Michelle 2010]

thanks ladies,im seeing a psychiatrist too help me with my feelings of hopelessness and my codine addiction...im not the same person i once was im less confident about my future.

love rachelle

Same for me Rachelle.

One of the interesting things that can occur in recovery is that as we become healthier, we shift our priorities and goals. For me, being less confident in the beginning simply meant that I was uncertain I was going to get what I wanted.

In the recovery literature it refers to many of us being like a Director of the Play of Life, in which everything would be wonderful if only all the actors would play their parts properly, according to my script. But what happens? It doesn't come off as planned.. with some actors even getting resentful that the Director is trying to choreograph the play... we step on their toes and they retaliate, resentments build, etc..

So what we learn is that there is a high cost to being the director, and that many things in life we can let go of trying to control... Then our priorities change, the need to control our future is less important, and we learn to be ourselves as we are , rather than as we think we should be...

Hey, the person I once was, was the person who became an addict and hid in the closet for several decades... Afraid to acknowledge I was feminine and thus unworthy of respect or love if people really knew me. The person I am has been sober a number of years and has accepted myself as the person I am and am more loved today that 20 years ago.

So as you can see, change may be uncomfortable, but that is not always bad...

Hugs

Michelle

[Charlize]

One of the things they say in the rooms of AA is that we will love you until you can remember how to love yourself. Although i like my MDs they have never been able to provide that level of support. Maybe thats one reason that so many of them send any addicted patient to a 12 step program. It was interesting that after starting to work with my GT she mentioned how much she saw in me that had come from working the program. I've somehow managed to pick up ways of dealing with the hurdles of life without breaking down. Hope you get the help you may need.

Hugs,

Charlie