Second Guessing myself

[Guest Takala]

Sorry if the sentence structure is bad.

I am 14 years old, with my birthday being in 2ish months.

Most of my life I've felt wrong.

During dress-up games(Not online flash games), I would dress in female clothes.

I remember having allot of thought like "I wish I was a girl", "I'd be better of as a girl" and other such things.

My parents divorced when I was 7, I largely didn't care

My mother, after successfully guessing my two older siblings(brother(19) and sister(16)) genders, though I would be a girl. She bought girls clothes and decided on a girls name(Samantha, if you were wondering).

I have hit puberty but so far all I have from that is thick hard to see hair on my upper lip and to the side of my mouth and a slightly deeper voice(much to my annoyance).

I do like music that could be considered girly.

Before you read this part below, note that I'm here only to ask if or how I should handle these gender issues, I have put up with all the other issues for my entire life without help. I know my mental stability isn't the best. I also know that this isn't the place to discus my other mental issues, and don't want to waste time. I second guess myself allot, but if I am right about being trans, I want to act on it now rather than later.

I have Aspergers, undiagnosed manic depression(in waves), insomnia and many other disability's.

I tried to kill myself when I was five, my mother wouldn't tell me why I tried. (Perhaps she didn't know why, but I think she would have made me tell her. It may have been gender issues. This was around the age when I started to dress up in my mothers clothes for fun).

I have anger issues but I hide them well(The slightest thing causes me to want to hit the nearest thing, but I don't. I hate attention).

I rarely speak my mind. I think this is what stopped me from doing something about my gender issues when I was younger.

I'm overweight, caused by some medication I was on.(I rarely ate, but put on allot of weight)

I am interested in women, but not as a man.

I don't get sexual pleasure from these thoughts of being a women.

Other than dress-up at the ages of 4-10ish I have never cross-dressed.

I'm shy and often referred to as "A polite little angel." among other things. I have been on many occasions mistaken for a girl. I like having long hair, and the only reason I don't grow it long is because it's really hot in my area.

I also live in what you might call, "First World Poverty". Watered down rice used to be dinner every night. I has improved however.

I had a therapist, but they did nothing, I hated stuff like "Pick one of these cards to show me how you feel." I've always hated being belittled or treated like a child, even though I was a child(I know, it's odd. But one Minute it's all praise next it's treating me like a 3 year old, I was starting to think I was the only sane person in the world). With the people I know it was always stuff like "He's so smart" "He's so polite" and other such things. Then it was small laminated cards with badly drawn faces with various expressions on them.

I did grade 4 during grade 3(So I had double the work load, I loved it). But never finished grade 5, 6, 7 and 8. I was bullied but not too harshly, I stuck to my corner of the school. They stuck to theirs.

On my first IQ test it was around 160 something, this was many years ago however so I don't really remember. But I hated how people would praise me, shower me with compliments where I didn't feel I deserved them.

I'm Ambisinister, Neither one of my hands is dominant. I use my right for most things because when I was younger, they thought I was right handed I played the drums for a year or so, but did that with my left. I tried guitar left and right, left was easier. I write(terribly) with my right. My brother, mother, sister and grand-mother(fathers side) are artists. I can't even draw slightly straight.

Side note: I live in Australia, the NT to be specific.

Edited December 15, 2012 by Carolyn Marie
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[Guest angels wings]

Hello Takala welcome to Laura's

Firstly I would like to let you know we have an introduction forum where you can make a smal intro of yourself there if you like. This gives other members the opportunity to see you are a new member and welcome you also

We ask all our members to please read the terms and conditions . You can find these on the bottom right of any page . These rules are in place so we can all have a safe and happy place to come and share .

Seeing a therapist who understands gender is important . They can help guide you in the steps you need to take .are you seeing a paediatrician for your conditions? They to can refer you to one . Hang in there lovey doors will open . Your story is like many there is hope there is a light .

Angel ((((hugs))))

[Guest Takala]

Hi Angel, I am seeing a paediatrician right now. But alas, I have not yet told my mother. I was sort of looking for confirmation of this, at which point I would start working up the courage to tell my mum. She is an understanding person.

Just a quick question: if I do end up telling her how should I go about doing so? I thought email(impersonal, I know) as I'm not sure I can talk to her about it in person. I am very shy. My older brother is away right now, so we are alone in the house.

[Guest angels wings]

If your mum is understanding you should consider telling her . She can help you . You need support lovey and if your mum is understanding why not its hard to carry so much on your own .

Here is a link to how other members have come out . It might give you some ideas

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showforum=57

Angel ((((hugs))))

[Guest Takala]

The only reason I haven't told her yet, is that I'm not sure. Sometimes, it's the only thing I can think about. Other times, I never think about it at all.

What I mean is, I want to be sure.

I've made allot of mistakes.

[Guest angels wings]

Lovey we have all made mistakes . That's how we grow and mature . It's normal for you not to be sure that's why talking to you mum letting her know how you feel and that you need help may open new doors for you . Seeing a therapist will help you discover who you are . It takes time some don't realise something is not right until they are a lot older .

Angel

[Guest Takala]

Yes but so far, none of my mistakes have included irreversible changes to my body....Well, there was that one time......but not normally!

[Guest angels wings]

The important thing is as humans we all make mistakes daily . We need to look at what we can learn from them how can we deal with something in a more positive way . Life is full of mystery and wonderful treasures .

Angel

[Guest Takala]

Yeah, I suppose. I might be telling my mother tonight.

Wish me luck

[Guest angels wings]

All the best lovey just speak from your heart . Only you know in your heart what is right you know your mum better than any one here .

Angel (((((hugs))))