What Do You Say When Your Mom Is Thinking In Binary?

[Guest Itzika]

So my mom and I haven't really discussed the issue of me being androgynous, and I'm getting the feeling it's because she thinks there's nothing to discuss. What makes me think that? Simple:

1. When she read the folder of stuff I gave her in lieu of a face-to-face coming out, I had to ask her what she thought, at which point she said there was really nothing to say (except, of course, "don't label yourself".)

2. When I asked if I could have a gender therapist (repeatedly), she asked why I thought I needed one. AFTER I had already given her the folder.

3. After talking to my physics teacher about why my MTF friend can't be in the girls' group, I told her (half joking) that I got why she COULDN'T be in our group, but I didn't get anymore why I COULD. She asked, "You don't think you're a boy, do you?" I said "No." That was the end of it.

So I'm getting the feeling Mom didn't really "get" it when I showed her the folder. I don't think she understands that not being a boy doesn't mean I'm a girl, or that not wanting to get a penis doesn't mean that I don't need a gender therapist.

And of course, this is accompanied by self-doubt on my part.

Reasons I self-identify as Androgyne:

1. My personality and interests are fairly evenly divided between "masculine" interests and "feminine" interests.

2. I have very "masculine" reactions and responses to certain things (i.e. no social skills vs. great math and science ability, etc.).

But then I read a thread on the FTM forums that said not to rely on stereotypes. It's internal. So... The things that are internal that make me think my sex will never be quite right:

1. I've found the way I'm most comfortable presenting. It's binding as well as I can and wearing a mix of guys' and girls' clothes. The exact wardrobe might lean to one side or the other on a given day, but it tends to even out. (My face and hair count toward the female side, so it goes heavy on the male side most days.)

2. I've seriously considered cutting my hair, given HRT more than a passing thought, and thought that I could live without breasts.

3. I've read scenes that are from a male's perspective. By that I mean, you cannot get away with thinking the narrator is anything but a male with all the equipment. When I used to read them, looking at them as a female observer, I felt like I shouldn't be reading. Now I'm reading them again--getting inside the man's head. I like reading that way. The only problem is that I can't get over the fact that my body doesn't have that equipment.

4. When my friend asked if I would be happy with a guy's equipment (she was coming out as MTF), my knee-jerk reaction was "no". Now it's "How should I know?" Sometimes I'd be much happier with a guy's equipment. (I wouldn't have the monthly annoyance of periods, for one thing. JK. But I do hate them.)

5. Sometimes I think the way I'd be happiest is if I had been completely androgynous. Boy or girl, if I was flat and small and could pass either way, I sometimes think I'd be happy.

Reasons I might just be a masculine girl:

1. All the personality traits and interests are stereotypes.

2. I was isolated from the peer pressure that apparently shapes a girl's social skills and lack of science ability by a small group of close friends. (We generally ignored the rest of the school/world.)

3. There are some days when I wear a bra that fits and go out in all girls' clothes.

4. I have a girl's love of clothing (though not shopping) and a feminine tendency to feel good when I look my best.

5. I like having long hair and a female figure. I have no problem with my female body (most of the time).

So now I'm confused. Help? Advice?

~Rey

[Sally]

I hate to say anything that sounds in the least bit negative, but I thought trying to explain MTF was difficult!

Here comes Sally's sight oriented mind (closing off the musician - openning up the photographer) Try viewing Gender as the top of a diamond! (That's pretty girlie isn't it?)

It appears to be round, but it has many facets!

If Male is at the top and Female at the bottom, then let's put both sexes at the right and neither sex at the left.

On a clock face 12-male, 3-both, 6-female and 9- neither.

You seem to be hovering around the 3 marker, pretty happy with both - your problem is in convincing your mother that gender isn't just one or the other.

Now for the PollyAnna spin - that's going to be easier to explain than the neither gender!

Sorry, but that's the best I could do!

I myself am so close to the 6 marker that you can't see any space at all!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Irielle]

Itzika, it seems to me you are doing well in your gender exploration. I am androgyne and genetic male. I was reading your post and mentally changing the words male and female in my head and when I did it made so much of what you wrote fit me! People have a very difficult time understanding androgynes and I think part of the reason is that we are taught to think in binary terms about gender, the same way we are taught about physical sexual characteristics. A person is either male or female and that’s it; you are one or the other. Your body is either male or female and we don’t talk about all the people who aren’t made that way. I suspect that is where self-doubt comes in; even we androgynes were trained that way. We doubt our own feelings and we doubt what we know is true about ourselves because we have had to learn it on our own. Society tells us we are not allowed to be the way we are and the doubt comes in because we listen to others more than we listen to our own hearts.

A thought about stereotypes. Yes, they can be trite and overused but they often contain some truth and are worth thinking about. Males and females really do have different body chemistryand that does have an impact. As androgynes I don’t know what our chemistry is but we seem to have both male and female traits as part of our makeup. I also agree that it’s really an internal thing.

I love your list of your internal things. My wardrobe is like yours, both boy’s and girl’s clothes and it varies, depending upon my mood and where I am. I am growing my hair so I can look more feminine when I want to but still look like I boy when I need to. I relate to female writers like you do to male ones but have trouble with my body not being female when I do that. Sometimes I would give anything to have a girl’s body but I don’t always like the thought of giving up my boy’s body. Why can’t I have both, or something in between (whatever that might be?) Even though I’m andro I know I should have been born genetically female. What does that make me? A MTF androgyne? What in heck is that? Who knows.

I’m with you and wishing I could be completely androgynous and pass both ways but it wasn’t meant to be. I have learned to be happy with who I am and that’s good enough for me. I think our confusion is just part of who we are because I know I am confused a lot and sometimes that confusion scares me. That’s part of the mystery of androgyny for me and it’s part of our strength.

Are you a masculine girl? Only you know that answer to that and it will come from inside. I believe we can be androgynous and still have gender. Sometimes I wear all girl’s clothes and I always do at home or with my friends. Usually when I go out I look like a boy and wear almost all boy’s clothes. I am happy doing both. I never wear all boy’s clothes, though, because then I feel creepy. My goal is to make myself look so that people can’t tell whether I’m a girl or a boy. Keep them guessing!

I don’t know if this is helpful, or even if it’s advice. I enjoyed your post and just wanted to respond. I think having a gender therapist is important and hope you can get one. It sounds to me like you have your head screwed on properly (notice I didn’t say screwed on straight – lol). On Sally’s clock I am normally at 3 or maybe 3:30 but I can be anywhere from 2:30 to 4:30 depending on my mood and who knows what else.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you and your heart will tell you the truth. Always be gentle with yourself and others.

Big hug and a kiss

Irielle