Greetings

[Guest TheShana82]

Hello all

What's shaking? I'm new here and I tell ya this is an awesome place to stumble across.

So I have just recently started "coming out" to my friends about my FTM ness (Sorry don't know how else to put it)... and so far everyone is supportive and showing their love. I have 1 person tho I just do not kno how to tell.... My partner of 6 years. I try to tell her n she cuts me off n tells me she loves me the way I am and I am not going to change anything end of discussion. Anyone have any ideas how I can express this to her??

[Guest Zabrak]

Hey, welcome to Laura's playground, bro!

I know how lovers can be about this sort of thing....

Maybe you could find some research on the subject: buy a book, search the web and print out pages. Give her more information about transsexuals and what your going through. Some people can automatically reject somthing because they don't understand it. The challange there is if they are willing to take the time to learn more about it or not. I would hope she would be willing to learn more for your sake.

Another thing - which I was once told by great Laura herself! - you could try to bring your lover to a gender therapist. (S)he might be able to help you and her through it together.

Theres one other thing, though, is she bi? Because she may have to question her sexuality well you are changing.

Rather then all that...give her time. These things can be shocking for some people and they need time to process it.

Thats all I can think of.

Best of luck to you.

[Guest Emily1]

she cuts me off n tells me she loves me the way I am and I am not going to change anything end of discussion.

My only idea is try to tell her again and if she does that again, tell her something like "see, thats the problem, I can't stay the way I am. I need to change."

Since I only have 2 people who were not ok with this (just friends), and one of them after explaining exactly what I meant, came around, I haven't really got any good suggestions. Anyways, hope everything works out, and keep us updated .

-Emily

[Guest bronx]

Hey welcome.

I really don't know what to say as far as your partner goes other than what Zabrak said.

[Sally]

Well you have gotten some of the best advice from our young friend North of the Border!

Zabrak is right, be prepared with information - this is going to be all new to her - you've had a lifetime of preparing!

Don't push, but be sure that she understands that this isn't a choice - it is and has always been very real - a fact!

Remind her that the very core of your personality, even though pretending to be male, has always been bases on you, it is the body and the removal of pretense that will change.

You will be a better partner for not having to worry about keeping the 'mask' on at all times!

Hope that helps.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest TheShana82]

Thanks for the replies

The thing is... I thought with her it would be an easy thing to tell her. We had a FTM friend in our circle, we have had discussions about people who go through with it, Me n her have watched every transgendered special that I could find on tv. She always responded positively and has said she fully supports and understands it... in other people, but then will turn around and tell me that if I was to, that she would have to reconsider whether or not she loved me and would most likely leave me....

I'm not sure... but maybe it's cause before me she considered herself straight and caught a lot of hell from her family ( at first ) for being with me :-/

[Guest bronx]

Well this is when I tell you that she is most likely attracted to the man that you are on the inside. Cause if she considerdered helself straight b4 she got with you there is a chance that she is straight. unfortunantly we live in a society that considers being a male is what's beteen your legs and we all know that that is not always the case. What makes you a man is who you are inside, in you. She might not understand that part of being trans. I know that for me I've always attracted straight or bi women to me and that's because I'm a straight man. The women on the other hand would question what there sexuality was when in fact they were with a man just not a man whoes body matched his soul. Just a thought.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Wow - you posted in the middle of the night and I missed it. Your 'FTMness' expression - you made me chuckle - good one. I guess I have MTFness - ha.

Seriously - well kinda - I am not alays able to keep the humor out, laugh to keep from crying, and all that.

Seriously:

I have been to two REAL transgender suppoart meetings and met a bunch of REAL trans people, just like me. I am at this like a kid although I am seriously senior - only realized I was transsexual about four months ago - yes transsexual is the word and it sometimes scares me to say it, but thats what I am - yikes, I never thought I'd see that day - and I am transitioning - opposite of where you are thinking of going, but its really just about the same.

So a same-sex relationship - or so it seemed - and I know you are happy together to have stayed together so long. But your partner is not exactly pleased to find you want to be a man - well, saying it another way - a better way - to finally get that trinity of mind, body and soul together. I am happy for you!

YEEEEEEEA - maybe peace at last.

Well, the point Liz, the point!

There were two FTM with partners at those meetings. Each had been in a long relationship with their partners - one for seven years (you don't live here in N.O. do you? I was that kinda androgynous tall person sitting across from you... never mind).

Both said they were 'transitioning FTM!' , regardless of how their partners felt, even if it killed the relationship. That is a real problem in same-sex relationships, MTF or FTM. It's actually the same problem in married hetero relationships. My wife (oh - I forgot to mention that?) is NOT PLEASED that I will be a woman in body. She wants me to stay male in body. Well - I understand, intellectually - hummm I wish she was more supportive emotionally.

But - but -but - this is important - I keep trying to explain to her I have ALWAYS been female in mind - just like you have probably always been male in your mind. And I say she married me in mind and soul as well as in body. She has a hard time accepting that. We are working on it. I have to accept the fact that she will leave me at the end if things dont change. But I have no control over that, I have to transition.

Your partner is suffering now. You have probably known forever what you feel, she has only understood for a short time.

Both Zabrak and Bronx are excellant at giving advice (no swelled heads guys - stay modest - grin - but it's true) Re-read what they say. They are closer to the same place you are, than I am - they know really well about your FTMness - still love that phrase, I'm gonna steal it - I am! - guaranteed.

And yes - I love this place - this Laura's - was surprised to find it. We need you too - please post and keep us up to date.

Liz

[Guest Martin]

I don't have any wise words for you, but I do want to wish you good luck.

[Guest Jackson]

Another thing - which I was once told by great Laura herself! - you could try to bring your lover to a gender therapist. (S)he might be able to help you and her through it together.

Welcome.

I don't have any real earth shattering advice, but Zabrak had a really good idea. My soon-to-be-ex ('cause of wrong gender) went with me to my last therapy appointment. We've been best friends for five years. And he actually learned things about me he'd never known before. Just by going and listening to me talk to my therapist.

So that would be something to think about. All the information is also a good idea too.

But welcome again.

[Guest TheShana82]

Bronx-

I have alway attracted... and been attracted to straight women too. Funny thing I recalled when I read your response... When she first saw me she told me she thought I was a really hot guy... so I'd say you are probably spot on

Liz-

I am probably always going to post in the middle of the night.... I live quite an odd schedule do to my job... up all night sleep all day

I thank you guys for your responses, you all rock

We have a day off together coming up... first in.. geez.. months so I am thinking of taking that time to try n talk to her about it.

I was thinking that if talking to her doesn't work maybe I could write her a letter... and explain to her all the things I might not be able to say.... I'm none to good with talking... I always over think everything I could want to say n picture all the different reactions n then I end up not saying what I probably should. So maybe a letter... whacha think??

[Sally]

I think that talking to her is the best aproach, but I would write the letter for 'just in case'. When you think about what you might say and how - try not to respond for her. If you do get al nervous and tongue tied, then hand her the letter and say, "I'm sorry, but this is as hard for me as it is for you, please read this - I hope it explains things better than I have so far."

Remember you know that you have always been male - she just found out, be gentle and caring.

I hope that things work out for you,

Sally

[Guest Crossroads]

Hi! Welcome to the forums! I'm just beginning my journey. I "came out" to my partner of 6 years in November. We are slowly moving through issues. I asked her about this, because in actuality, she brought this up to me. She said, "You know, if you had been the one to bring it up, I think I might have taken it the same way." She said she would just need time to think about it. I didn't consider myself a lesbian even after being with her. But in the end, when I asked myself if I was in love with her as a person or her body, the answer was obvious. It didn't matter to me what body she came in. We say that she has 'transitioned', too. From the underdeveloped little kid to a fat person to a beautiful thin, fully developed, and dare I say sexy woman! If I can love her through all the changes her body has gone under, then no change is too much.

Good luck and see you around!

[Guest TheShana82]

Alrighty.... So me n my partner talked about this today...

I wasn't planning on it, but I guess it was weighing heavy on my head n she noticed that I was completely spaced out and begged me to tell her cause I was scaring her...

So I told her everything about how I have been feeling and how I have felt this way since I was very little and how scared I was admitting all this to her....

She cried... but told me that she still loves me and fully supports me... and the only part that really upset her is that I was afraid to tell her... and that for 6+ years I have kept it from her

So I guess it was good... we shall see what happens tho when I pursue this further... since right now we are far from having the finances for anything extra