Making A Mistake??

[Guest TheShana82]

Ok... So I have made the decision to not pursue anything towards my transition until I got to talk to everyone I consider important in my life. I would like to kno where everyone stands before hand... not that a negative response would prevent me from doing anything... I just want to kno. So I am putting off any therapy or anything until then... which includes waiting till my sister comes home from Iraq....

In one chat with one of my friends... they told my I was making a mistake... that I should just go for it now and screw peoples reactions... that I don't really need to kno... but I really feel like I do...

What do you think, Am I making a mistake??

[Guest leo]

iv told a few close friends, the process is so long that you can tell people when your transitioning, for example iv just had my mental health assessment and now iv got to wait 4-6 weeks before i can be referred to a gender clinic, in that time i can tell some more people.

my mum already knows, when we got to talking about it she was like i suspected it anyway, but she dont want me to do it or make any decisions till im 21, but imgoing to anyway, its my life. im going to tell the rest of the family when im on T and have to life full time, that way they will take me serious and wont think this is just a 'phase'

hope everything goes well

[Guest bronx]

I just gonna tell you what I did. When I finally figured out what I was and how transitioning was the only thing that was gonna keep me sane I did what I had to do for me. I didn't worry about how everyone would react because it was my life and the idea of waiting for someone elses okay wasn't even a part of my thought. I did my research,got me a therapist and began the process. While I was doing these things for me I started to let others know. Some were cool some were not so cool, but at the end it was all about ME.

[Sally]

You have goten some good advice this is the one place where I believe that the 'me first' attitude is amust! I have been waiting around practically forever witing for one reason (excuse) or another. Don't do what I did! I don't regret my life, I have done a lot of things that I have enjoyed - but most of them I could have done as a female and been even happier with those memories.

It is your life and you said that you wouldn't be swayed by thier opinions, so why put your life on hold while you collect data that you have no intention of using?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Your call

I will tell you transitioning is soooo slow (except surgery of course) that you could probably go through the NYC telephone book with your outing before you start to see results. Therapy always is a good thing, anyway.

I waited 50 years too long. SAD

[Guest Zabrak]

Do what you need to do. But please think of YOUR feelings too. Don't let them suppress who you are and let them tell you its wrong if you think its right for you.

I did everything myself and didn't tell my parents until I was on T. My parents told me, a little bit after I first came out to them, "I'm happy you found what makes you happy. We lost you along time ago when you where just little and we didn't know what was wrong. We never really knew who you where, or anything about you, until now."

I think thats some food for thought. If your parents and family don't end up supporting you and you put this off then your family will never get to know who you really are.

Thats just my opinion, though.

[Guest jantonio]

I will tell you what I did. When I finally figured out who I was and that I wanted to transition. I had this same question that you did specially with family. I asked another FTM what he did in his case, the first thing he told me is: "Do what is best for you, forget the family cuz that will set you backwards". One thing is for sure, family will try to tell you not to transition, trust me on that one. You don't want that added conflict within you. But again do what feels right.

In my case I decided to transition, once I made that decision then I started telling family members. But in this case the most important person right now is you.

Jose Antonio...

[Guest Crossroads]

Normally, I'd say "f*** your family"....gosh, I'm the neighborhood family hater. But that isn't right and isn't how you should go about this.

Transitioning is a long process. Not TOO long, but painfully slow. In my case, I had to wait a month for the therapist appointment, then I'll have to wait three months to start T, then it'll probably be a month or two minimum before I'll be passing 100% (I pass about 60% of the time right now). That's 6 months! That's a long time! So you have some room for thought, and you have time to tell everyone. If you've already decided to do this, if nothing they say will change what you do, then go ahead and start and tell them when it's best.

Why wait around? Are you waiting for approval? Or do you just want to give them time to cope? My best friend was one of the last people I told because she's so hard to get a hold of. When I told her, she suddenly got flustered, not because she didn't support me, but because she said she just really wanted to spend time with me and treasure me as the person I am now. That way she won't feel bad for treasuring the person I will become. That made me happy; too many people have been assuming that I'll stay exactly the same. So I told her she had three months to get her butt up here.

And jantonio is right, your family will most likely tell you not to transition, they won't understand. They'll see it as dangerous, over the top. But they're scared for you. They (hopefully) care about you. It's your job to help them understand. I use the analogy of Angie's (my partner) change. She was really fat at one point, and we always joke that we'll be transitioning together. The way she feels about her body is the exact same as I feel. I can't be who I am, and others won't see me the way I see myself until I am a man.

But don't let them talk you out of it. The best way to decide is to research. Look up every detail, as us questions. You've got the best resources you can get right here, men from every point in transition. Use what you have. And if you aren't scared after everything you hear, then your family won't be able to say anything short of "you're disowned" that'll make you want to change your mind.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it just started snowing here (it hasn't snowed here in 10 years), and I have a crazy partner to calm.

[Guest Martin]

Personally, I talked things over with a general therapist for about a year before I came out. Only then did I see a gender therapist, but that's only because I couldn't get to a decent one without my parents knowing. I'm very glad I did the therapy before coming out because that meant that I had answers for many of the questions people asked me and that I was confident in my decisions. That helped other people know how to react. Also, I had my therapist for support in figuring out how to come out to people and how to deal with their various reactions. Even if you don't want to transition before telling people, I'd encourage you to start therapy now.

[Guest Evan_J]

You've got a lot of good advice. The only thing I would add is I kinda know (I think) what's makin you have this "doubt". The sister in Iraq? Worrying that somehow if you "went ahead anyway" and it hurt her or she didn't like it and then Iraq didn't work out so that she came home. Thats a huge fear to give yourself if thats what you're doing. And its not fair to her to assume any of that. And its not fair to you to assume any of it either. The biggest advice that you've been given includes the fact that transitioning is SLOOOOW. It will be so long before you get to a t prescription and even then so long before you "see" anything that she likely WILL be back or very close to it. If it helps, start and make a decision to make her the first person who will know. Doesn't mean she has to know beforehand because like we said all this is slow but by making her first you can address your need to put her in an important position regarding this. Don't let her determine whether or not it happens. Just let her know how important her part in how you'll feel is. But be prepared to have to go ahead without her "approval" if you need to.

I hope this works out for you

E

[Guest lorddillon]

I guess my question for you is, if all of their opinions/comments/concerns/feelings aren't going to change your mind, since, as you said: "not that a negative response would prevent me from doing anything"...

Then why wait to start transition until you've talked to everyone?

I think seeing a therapist and working through things is a good idea, and I also agree with what others have said about it being a long process... so why wait to get started if no-one is going to change your mind?

Just something to think about - if you are unsure or not confident about your thoughts/feelings, then therapy should help you work through that, but I wouldn't necessarily wait until you tell everyone...

As I always say - it's YOUR transition, you need to do it how YOU want to...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Normally, I'd say "f*** your family

Hey - just a reminder of the rules - no profanity includes using this type of abbreviation. Crossroad's saying, 'Normally, I'd say "find" your family," could be misread as something else.

I am also guilty of sneaking in expletives deleted - but they aren't permitted. Look it up.

Policeman Elizabeth

[Guest TheShana82]

Wow... Didn't think I would get so many responses...

You all give wonderful advice and I appreciate it all, thank you

Now I kno that transitioning is a long process. I have been doing my research for years. I would also normally say screw everyone else and their opinions... I am in no way looking for anyones approval... I kno who and what I am and I don't need anyone to tell me that... I think to try and explain why I am choosing this path I might have to ramble a bit... so I'm sorry in advance if this is long n drawn out.

Basically I am trying to prepare myself for the negative....(Attempted long story short) When I was 17 I got thrown out of my house and had everyone turn their back on me. Since I was thrown out anyway I figured I could come out as a lesbian... which only caused more people to turn on me... My family wanted nothing to do with me (based on lies my step-father told) and my friends all disappeared. For 4 years I was a self hating, self mutilating, 2 pack a day chimney, always drunk, homeless loser... I didn't kno how to handle all the rejection so I just took it out on myself... T'wasnt hard... more people were willing to buy me vodka then let me use their shower n couch for a night.... It took a lot for me to get past all that... but I did n since my 21st Bday I have not drank, smoked, or cut....

I kno how I am with people, I take everything out on myself... I never want to get back to where I was..... I feel like if I get everyones response that I can just weed out the ones who will wear down on me.... as for waiting till my sister gets home... I just figure that while she is in a war zone she doesn't need to deal with my drama ... she is due home in June so it's not that far away

I very well may start therapy before then... depending on $$ situation... hopefully my boss will make good on his word (for a change) and I will get my big raise next month

[Guest Emily1]

Wow... Didn't think I would get so many responses...

You all give wonderful advice and I appreciate it all, thank you

Now I kno that transitioning is a long process. I have been doing my research for years. I would also normally say screw everyone else and their opinions... I am in no way looking for anyones approval... I kno who and what I am and I don't need anyone to tell me that... I think to try and explain why I am choosing this path I might have to ramble a bit... so I'm sorry in advance if this is long n drawn out.

Basically I am trying to prepare myself for the negative....(Attempted long story short) When I was 17 I got thrown out of my house and had everyone turn their back on me. Since I was thrown out anyway I figured I could come out as a lesbian... which only caused more people to turn on me... My family wanted nothing to do with me (based on lies my step-father told) and my friends all disappeared. For 4 years I was a self hating, self mutilating, 2 pack a day chimney, always drunk, homeless loser... I didn't kno how to handle all the rejection so I just took it out on myself... T'wasnt hard... more people were willing to buy me vodka then let me use their shower n couch for a night.... It took a lot for me to get past all that... but I did n since my 21st Bday I have not drank, smoked, or cut....

I kno how I am with people, I take everything out on myself... I never want to get back to where I was..... I feel like if I get everyones response that I can just weed out the ones who will wear down on me.... as for waiting till my sister gets home... I just figure that while she is in a war zone she doesn't need to deal with my drama ... she is due home in June so it's not that far away

I very well may start therapy before then... depending on $$ situation... hopefully my boss will make good on his word (for a change) and I will get my big raise next month

Oh my gosh, thats horible (the earlier part). I'm so sry for you

-Emily

[Guest Jackson]

Very good reasoning. See how everything goes in the next month with the raise. Hopefully everything will work out this time.

[Guest TheShana82]

Oh my gosh, thats horible (the earlier part). I'm so sry for you

-Emily

No need to be sorry... In a strange way it was a good thing that I learned from... who knows what kind of person I would be today if I didn't experience that

[Sally]

You are so correct, we are all products of our genetics, our environment and our experiences. You are who you are by how you deal with all of these factors. Keep the good thoughts going and life is pretty good, even when you're broke, getting a divorce and transitioning all at the same time. I still look forward to each day, because I choose to. You can live a life filled with regrets or filled with memories, they are the same. Just two angles of the same scene.

love ya,

Sally

[Guest Huff]

If I were you, I'd at least start therapy. That can't hurt... and will probably help you get clarity on your gender identity, how to deal with your family, and help keep you from relapse before you even need to decide if and when you're going to start the legal and medical processes of transition.

And, by the way, if the picture you're posting is of you, I'm betting you pass very easily anyway. You're really lucky to not have a feminine facial structure. I was kinda lucky that way too, but a LOT of transguys I've seen (personally or in picture) really do have girl facial shapes until they've been on T for a while.

Mike

[Guest TheShana82]

And, by the way, if the picture you're posting is of you, I'm betting you pass very easily anyway. You're really lucky to not have a feminine facial structure. I was kinda lucky that way too, but a LOT of transguys I've seen (personally or in picture) really do have girl facial shapes until they've been on T for a while.

Mike

Yup that's me... and I have pretty much have been "Sir"ed and called boy or young man since I was about 5... Drove my mother crazy... especially when she had me in pigtails

[Guest mia 1]

You've already been on the long hard road, that mos tpeople including myself never experience. You are one tough survivor and proud of you.

The funny thing is I just read the obituary of Holly Coors, yes that Coors. Led a life of privlege and recognition. 88 yrs.old and you,you have done more and experienced more than some rich old lady who had the world, at least her world bow at her feet. Congratulations on your poqwer and fortitude...Mia.

[Guest Emily1]

And, by the way, if the picture you're posting is of you, I'm betting you pass very easily anyway.

You totally pass! and btw, Rey if you're reading this, doesn't he look like Daniel Paul from school?

[Guest Evan_J]

Just pointin out what the probable timeline would be if you started therapy asap....

If you started "today" with this being pretty much the end of January, you would likely not get your T referal till the end of April (soonest) or even first part of May. You probably wouldn't even be on T 6 weeks before she was home. Pretty much all you would be able to "admit" to her is "I started transitioning" and she would look at you and you would seem "the same" to her.