Lost and Afraid

[Guest Victoria71]

Well, politeness dictates that I say hello.

I will start with the basics and see how far I get. And hope that, that is OK with you all.

I was born 1971 the second son and last of 4 children, to a very Conservative Military family. I don`t realy have many memories as a child as it was not a joyfull time. I know there was a lot of abuse, both sexual and physical.

I`ve hated who I was since I can remember, I was allways trying "Girly" stuff out, be it clothes, magazines, and only ever had females as friends. I never got on with other boys, I was allways the outsider and had to learn the hard way to stand up for myself.

As a teenager, I tried twice to end my pain and suffering, After an OD I was found by the women who brought me into this world and was taken to hospital. Not long after that I had tried poisoning myself and was found by a girlfriend from school.

I joined the Army at 16 to escape the family life and not fitting. While in the Army I found something that I was good at and which kept me from being around to many people. Even during my time in Green I would cross dress, something that was very dangerous, I would even say at the time it was more so than going to war. A room mate at the time outed himself as gay and was beaten so badly he was hospitalized and nearly died. I decided to keep myself to myself and never had any conflicts.

After leaving the Military I had a real bad time adjusting to "People" again, and found myself getting even deeper into Crossdressing. I was Insitutionalised after trying to take the easy way out, My partner of 18 years found me and cut me down and had me taken to a secure clinic. While at the clinic I was diagnosed BPD and PTSD with trauma from my childhood and from Combat. I had a very hard time hiding what little I still had from the therapist who kept asking questions relating to Gender. She probably knew more than I did at the time, but I couldn`t talk to her about it.

Recently I decided to actualy try and figure out what is wrong.

I have never had the feeling of being happy as a male, I have allways longed to be female. At an age now over 40 I realy don`t know what I should do. I have no idea how my wife or my children would react if I was to tell them.

Thanks to my PTSD I have nobody left who I can call a friend to confide in and am some what alone in my muddled world.

I know I will probably stand on some ones toes here for what I am about to write next, but it is not my intention, I just don`t know how else to word it but would still like to say it as best I can.......

I have always assumed Crossdressers were Homosexual. It was clearly pointed out to me often enough as a Child from my Military Father that it was wrong. With this in mind I am very confused, because I am not sexualy drawn to males. That being the case What is wrong with me? I realy have no idea.

I know most of you here will say "Nothing is wrong with you, you are who you are" But it doesn`t help me in finding my way and not being afraid.

I was (am) a Para-Commando Medic who has been on the nasty end of a Rifle more times than is sane, and I am more afraid of myself than a firefight.

None the less, this afraid person is seeking help from those who know what she is on about. I am looking for friends to help me when I am down and show me the light at the end of the tunnel. I will walk there myself, but I loose it every once in a while and a kind guiding hand would be helpfull.

Respectfuly yours.

Vicky

[Guest Gypsyfeenix]

You're right - we will say that there is nothing wrong with you.

You are doing a good thing by coming here. This is a good place with good people who can help you accept yourself.

To me, after reading what you wrote, I didn't feel sorry for you. I was angry and what had been done to you. Back when you and I were kids, things were drawn in lines of black and white when they should have been a rainbow of colours. To walk through abuse and then to chain yourself to the military makes me sad for you.

There will be times that you will feel afraid. There will be times when you will feel strong. I honestly believe that the first step is about liking yourself, though ( I don't want to sound all "pop-psychology"). You need to be able to see one little thing about yourself every day.

Victoria, there really is nothing wrong with you, aside from the fact that you were born into the wrong body.

I don't know if this means anything to you, but I am the partner of someone transitioning, and I can tell you, my SO was terrified to tell me. Some untruths happened, and *that* above everything hurt me more than the rest. I'm not saying it wasn't a shock, but I would have liked to know early on where we stood. We are coming up to our eight year anniversary now, and I love her with all of my heart.

It hasn't been easy, and there are still some tough times, but I'm one of those people that believes that if you commit, you stay. Have you come close to broaching the subject with your wife? How old are your kids?

[Charlize]

Vicky, Thank you for posting. One of the first people I met as i started to dress and go out was an x special forces person in full transition. He was still a he at the time but is very much a she now and is a wonderful help to many. She had been through many trial such as you describe and actually trained others in special ways to kill. She also suffered PSTD from combat situations. As to sexual preference, she seemed to be trying to find her way as well when i knew her.

I mention her because where you are is not as strange as you might think. I often wonder about why i have been always attracted to women and have never loved a man. I must say it is so far and i don't have to worry about the future at least today. I did manage to finally come out to my wife and family and now live full time in the little town i grew up in as a man. I seemed to be mostly accepted but more important i'm no longer hiding from anybody. I certainly can relate to the hiding and sneaking. It is a pity that you couldn't talk to a therapist about this in the past. Maybe now is the time to see a gender therapist (GT). That helped me so much to find my own path. Age, well i'm 64 now almost 65. 40 seems young. It is not too late to be yourself in the world. It is certainly not easy! But it has made my life better than my wildest dreams. We are here and please don't think you are alone.

Enjoy and learn at Laura's. My time here has helped me along with my GT to be myself with my head up as i live my life.

Please keep us in your life and please ask for help when you need it.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Victoria,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest marissa anastasia1]

Welcome to Laura's Victoria...I hope you will find some answers and peace here..

Love,

Marissa Anastasia aka Rissa

[Bulldog1948]

It does take a huge amount of courage to come out and live in the small town that one has been born and raised in. But, in reality, it is actually the best thing that can happen, even though you may not think about it that way. But, once that you are out and living your life everyone knows about you and therefore each person will have to make up their mind on whether they accept you or not.

Just hold your head high and march on

[Guest Victoria71]

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

I am kind of overwhelmed (even though I know this is a Suport site) at the acceptance granted here by all. I guess I have just lived so long in a world where gender issues were, or still are a real taboo subject.

It has also been reasuring to see so many people who have coped and changed, it gives one hope that one day I will have the strength and courage to finish the journey. But reading so many post by people who have been where I am is just so overpowering, that I have realised that I will not be able to be here everyday to start with.

I could cry for those that have succeeded just as I could cry for those who are still on the journey.

But for all, I have the utmost respect.

Thank you all for being here, thank you for showing me that things can be better but most of all, thank you Laura for the site.

An overwhelmed (but coping) Vicky

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Vicky. Yes, you are not alone, not in the way you feel, or in your fear of where this path might take you, or in what your family might say. Many of us have been where you are.

I won't tell you what your correct path might be. It will take a lot of soul searching and talking with a gender therapist, and research, and talking with us here. But we will be here for you, to answer all your questions, and offer support. Please look around the forums, post in any threads that interest you, and ask any questions you like. We do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, so you are aware of the rules we follow.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Victoria71]

Well it`s been a while since I was last here, and just thought I would post an update in my life.

Allthough I am still in hiding, I did manage to go out this week and met two very polite People, she even wanted to give me her number so we could hookup and go out.

Allthough it was nice to get the compliments and the feel good factor, Being ectively asked to go out with some one has realy scared the crap out of me.

Not that I wouldn`t go out, but it is the commitment involved when going out with someone else, expectations and all that. I was told about a good place to go where there are a lot of cross and trans gender People, but it is 2hrs away.

But the realy anoying thing is, even as good as the other night was, I am back at the thought stage of "Just be done with it" "why couldn`t all this of happend before you got married and had Kids" "Why this,.......why that.........."

I will get my head round it, and get myself sorted again, I guess it`s just the usual doubts.

[Guest DianeATL]

Victoria

Welcome to the site, I know you are already being enriched by the great folks here. I think you would really enjoy reading Warrior Princess by Kristen Beck if you haven't already. She was a US Navy SEAL before transitioning and I will bet you will find that her life story and yours are closely paralleled.

Joining the military or other forms of over compensation and discipline to try to drive the fem demon away are very common. Unfortunately so are attempts to end it all. I salute you for your service to your country and for having the real courage to live and come to grips with who you really are. There was a line in the series Band of Brothers that I found really poignant, it went something like "in order for a soldier to do their job, they must assume that they are already dead, because no one who is trying to survive would do what they do." You have that kind of courage in you, now you can direct it towards making yourself healthy and whole.

Kristen shows that you can go from the most macho job on the planet to being yourself, a lovely woman. I know you will find the support to here to help you with whatever your journey ends up looking like.

Welcome,

Diane

[Guest HerMrs]

Vicky,
I wish I could offer a huge hug to you. I'm VERY new to this whole new world of cross dressing, myself. My husband just came out to me last week. I don't know what type of relationship you have with your wife, but being on the other side of it, it is just as confusing and scary for the wife of a cross dresser, too. I can't begin to understand what anyone who is facing what you are facing, and what my husband has faced for 30+ years of his life is like. But, please know that you are loved and that there are people who will support and help you.
Is there a way you could feel your wife out to see her reaction on the thought of it all? It pains me to know how many people have to hide from fear of rejection, shame, guilt, and the unknown. So many hugs to you, Vicky!!

[Guest Opal]

Hi Vicky, and welcome back to Laura's! I had been away quite a while myself. Hope you will continue to post here whenever you can.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Rebecca A]

Hi Vicky,

Welcome to Laura's I'm sure you'll find a supportive community here to try to find yourself and figure out what your process is and who you are. :: hugs ::

[Guest LizMarie]

Welcome to Laura's, Vicky!

Cross dressers are not homosexuals. They are just cross dressers. Some might be homosexual, some might be heterosexual, and some might be bisexual. Cross dressing has nothing to do with sexual preference. And neither does gender identity. Your gender identity might be as a woman and your sexual preference might be for women. And that's perfectly ok.

So no, gender confusion, wanting to cross dress, still being attracted to females... there's nothing wrong with any of that. But it sounds like you have a lot of issues burdening you, not just gender identity. Having been in the military and having had to deal with certain issues myself, I strongly urge you to find a therapist to whom you can openly talk and confide. Therapists are there to assist us in finding ourselves, in exposing and dealing with our fears, and in helping us to heal and grow as human beings.

[Guest erinanita]

Vicky, welcome to Laura's Playground. It is a very supportive place to be.

It's really quite normal for us to have joined the military and got married and had a family because it was intended to prove our manhood. Being transgendered is really scary and that's why there are so many of us transitioning later in life. I have recently transitioned and I just turned sixty-three. It will take some time and a lot of courage to become comfortable and accept yourself out in public.

I was lucky enough to have my wife stay with me after I gave her the devastating news. But it took years for her to accept me. We both had our own professionals to help us through the process. And we also had groups of trans persons and significant others to be with us.

You will get through it if you persevere.

Hugs,

Erin

[Guest Victoria71]

Yet again it has a been a while, lots of hiding and hoping.

I manage to get a copy of Warrior Princess, and am very thankful to Kris for writing it, I brought it on a pretence of Comabt Vet and PTSD author and once I had finished reading it gave it to my wife.

Turns out the book has been the last part of the puzzle for here putting 2 and 2 together. A couple of miss haps at home filled a few more blanks and last night sitting in the garden she asked "Why don`t you trust me"

I had no idea where she was going with it and all I could say was "What do you mean". Her next question completey blew the lid of my life, "Why don`t you tell me that you dress up in womens clothes"

I guess I could of lied and denyed it all, but instead I just burst into tears.

We ended up sitting outside for something like 3 or 4 hrs, her asking stuff, me trying to find the words to explain between bouts of tears.

Turns out, she loves me and not the male, (not sure if that sounds right, but I hope you all understand what I mean).

At the end of it all she said "Well it makes Christmass and Birthday presents easier and I`ll make room in my Wardrobe for your stuff shall I"

She has been on a support site out here in Germany for a while talking to people trying to understand, she has even been given the offer of meeting up so we can chat about what I going on and what lies ahead.

We have been through so much in 23 years, I have hurt her on somany levels and so many ways thanks to my PTSD I never would of believed she would just take it so easy.

Today I can walk with a huge weight gone from my shoulders, I don`t feel worn and torn inside, and I don`t feel I need to worry about ending up alone.

Ok my 14 year old son is a different matter, and we will cross that hurdle when it comes around, but at the moment I feel so great.

Thank you all for being here

Vicky

[Michelle 2010]

Very nice Vicky :-)

Thanks for the update. I too have found a woman who loves me for who I am on the inside and it turns out has fun with who I am on the outside...

Best wishes

Michelle

[Charlize]

I'm so glad to see your post Vicky. It sounds like your wife is a wonderful person who will support you. Having that support at home will make the rest so much easier. As to your son.....mine had problems looking at me for some time. He was 38 when i went full time but he somehow wanted everything to stay the same. now he accepts me and my grandkids climb all over me and are the loves of my life. Cracking out of the shell is so hard to start, like taking the first breaths of life. It gets easier and much more rewarding. Please get some therapy as that may help you find your path with fewer pitfalls.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Cyd]

Vicky, that is so GREAT!! that your wife is supportive and working to understand. I was also afraid to talk to my wife for a long time, and it made things harder for both of us. When I finally got the courage to tell her what was going on with me, she was relieved and so was I. She said pretty much what your wife said: that she married me, not a generic gender identity. I'm FT?, leaning toward FTM, and it's a huge relief to know that she's in my corner no matter what my ultimate gender destination is.

I'm glad you've kept coming back to Laura's to get support. This place and the people in it are really special.

Cyd

[Guest erinanita]

Vicky,

So glad you're still here with us in the playground. And thanks for the update. It's so wonderful to hear about supportive wives. We are in the minority. Certainly most wives prefer the men they married to live out their lives as men and understanding spouses are few and far between.

Michelle it's so goood to hear that you found someone to share your life with,

Hugs,

Erin

[Carolyn Marie]

Wonderful update, Vicky. I'm so happy for you. Like the others have said, you have a wonderful spouse, with a big, loving heart as well as an open mind. That's a great combination.

If she is looking for support, she is welcome to come here an join us, and you, and talk to other S/O's if she likes. Our doors are open for her.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Victoria71]

I Have an Appointment with my Therapist on Wednesday in 2weeks.

Allthough she is not exactly a Gender Therapist, she is the person I have been to before while dealing with my BPD, PTSD and Depression. So I know she will be honest enough to point me in the right diretion if she is not able to help on this issue.

It also means I get an appoinment within 2 weeks because she knows me, and not in 6 months as is usual for a new Therapist out here.

[Guest Victoria71]

I went out shopping with my partner yesterday, the City was full, beautiful weather and a something small to eat.

The first time I have been outdoors when it hasn`t been dark.

It took me a while to settle down, but once I had I started having fun.

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Vicky

I've been reading the posts just since you first introduced yourself and already you have made progress towards figuring yourself out. Pretty awesome isn't it? Here in this community you never have to feel afraid. The people who join Laura's have walked in I the same shoes that you find yourself in. It sounds like your spouse is a very understanding person who is reaching out to you, and your PTSD Therapist may be more understanding of gender issues than you realize. Give them the benefit. Of a doubt starting out. Most therapist wear more hats than we realize.

You've suffered for a long time and my guess is, you have come to realize that life is too short to stay unhappy. Include your spouse in any decisions you make, but also realize that the longer you go without resolving things, you are not going to get. Life was never meant to be miserable. It's meant to be lived.

I've wasted too many years, yet it is never too late to turn your life around. I'm a young 59 year old woman who has it together now and I could not be happier than I am now. It's never too late. So welcome Vicky to this community. The members are responding to you because they recognize a kindred spirit who belongs here. We're glad that you have come here to find a home among us. Kathy

[gennee]

Hello Victoria and welcome to Laura's.