First Time Telling

[Guest abbadon]

My name is Zoe, and I’m a 16 year old girl from Colorado.

(I hope this isn't too long)

A couple of months ago, my stepdad was having some trouble with his son, who is in college, and now his son scarcely speaks to him. I won’t get into the details, but basically, he ended up saying that he’s sad he lost touch with his son, but he told my mom, “It’s okay. I don’t need a son when I’ve got Zoe.” My mom told me, and I am not exaggerating, it made my whole week. In fact, it still makes me smile.

This is going to take a lot for me to write, mostly because it’s all very personal, but I’m here for help, I’m here for information, and hopefully some friends. I am quite a failure socially and I tend to ramble, but I’ll keep this as to the point as I can.

First, a little background on me. Pretty much from late elementary school onward, my outward appearance has been fairly masculine. I wear baggy, black t-shirts and sweatshirts, basic jeans, and boy’s shoes. My hair is long but that’s because I am a metalhead and it would be long even if I was a boy, although the style is fairly masculine- well, I guess it’s kind of style-less. I used to wear gauntlets and boots too, but I don’t have the time (or the money) for that kind of thing anymore. On special occasions, I hate wearing skirts and tights and dresses, low cut things especially. In the concerts I play in, it’s required I wear a floor length black dress, which I never liked and just wished I could wear a tux like the boys. I don’t carry a purse, I don’t wear makeup, I don’t wear jewelry, and I much prefer to wear boxers. I haven’t had too many friends in my time, but they’ve generally been boys, especially as I get older. I don’t like being called cute or pretty, I don’t like shopping, and I don’t like generally “girly” things. I do however like wrestling my little sister, video games (where I play a male character wherever possible), and pretty brutal movies, books, art etc. And as I said, I love heavy metal. I also make my voice low when I talk and don’t use female speech patterns and I forbid myself to giggle because I feel dumb when I do. If I do my real voice, the one I would talk in if I wasn’t transgender, it doesn’t sound the same at all. (It’s kind of funny actually.)

Just to give you an idea, I was at a metal concert once with a fantastic mosh pit. I jumped in, slammed my friends, slammed some strangers, and got knocked to the ground. It was a good time. The reason I say this is because, I loved doing it first of all because I was the only girl in there and I wasn’t getting any special treatment. In fact, my friend Michael continually smashed my face into the back of the guy in front of me. But outside the pit, guys would jump in front of me and push away the moshers screaming by, protecting me. I don’t like being protected, being treated as weak. I know femininity isn’t synonymous with weakness, but I have been treated that way all my life and feel I will be. Even my old boyfriend would do that. To think he would have me just sit there and look pretty while he chopped down a tree with a machete!

I started questioning these sort of aspects of myself a long time ago, as I always felt I was different. I started thinking maybe I was gay, but I know now that isn’t true as I never look at a girl and think “Oh, wow, she’s beautiful.” Or any variation of that. I do with boys, which I think that’s what attraction is. I would kill to have a male body and often look at boys, jealous they have what I don’t. The thought of wanting to be a boy has crossed my mind for many years as sort of an impossible fantasy, like how I would love to have superpowers, but it’s not going to happen (although I now know after research that it is possible). Ironically, the superpower I always said I would want is shape shifting. When not out fighting crime or flying over the city, or whatever crazy thing I’d be doing, I would shift into a male form.

The problem is, my fantasy always stops when I think about how my parents would react. Everyone in my family is very liberal and my mom, who’s in the wedding business, had tons of gay friends. My stepdad too talks about how all that is perfectly fine, and has even asked if I was gay, and I said no. Neither of them has ever mentioned transgenders, however. They would definitely support me, but I worry they would be disappointed. I would feel bad that my mom’s sweet baby girl would become her son, that my sisters’ older sister would become their brother. It’s all just so different and I don’t know how to handle it. My dad, I would go so far as to be scared to tell. It’s not that I’m afraid of him, and he would almost definitely accept me too. But he is a very intense guy, very advanced when it comes to philosophy and he does a lot of deep thinking like me. Plus, he is under a great deal of stress right now and I‘d hate to add to it.

I know though in my heart I am a transgender and the more I think about it, the truer it seems. After years of cramming my breasts in an undersized sports-bra and wearing tight shirts under baggy ones to hide my hips and curves, I have had enough and I don’t want to be like this anymore. To know and tell myself the truth makes me feel freer. To tell my family would probably do the same. And, finally doing a transition would make me feel completely free. But this point now is what troubles me most, this uncertainty.

I apologize if this all sounded weird, but I’ve never talked about this to anyone and I’ve scarcely talked to ANYONE about ANYTHING online. But anyway, that’s me and I look forward to using this site. It looks nice and very helpful.

Thank you for taking the time to read

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Zoe,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. I can see that there is alot on your mind, so please feel free to express yourself.

Love

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Zoe. No, your post isn't too long, and I actually appreciate the effort to fill us in on your life, and the quality of how you express yourself. I don't know your age, but you seem pretty mature and very well spoken.

I think its pretty cool what your step dad said. I also understand your fears about telling your parents. It is true that even when parents describe themselves as liberal, or talk about issues like LGBT rights in the abstract, when it comes to their own kids it can be a whole other attitude. Coming out is risky business, and is why I often tell young people not to do it unless they really need to, and not before some careful thought and planning. We have a forum on Coming Out issues, and there is also a lot of discussion about it in the Teen Forum. You might want to check out both for some insights.

Being TG, or more specifically TS, is a long, complicated process, and the more you know the better off you'll be. Please don't hesitate to ask us any questions, or even just to vent, and we'll be here for you. I do ask all our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as we use them to keep the site safe for all.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Zoe,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna