A journey begins with a single step

[Guest NightRainRaven]

Err Hello.

As the title states, this is my first step. I have decided to finally start my journey. Where it will end up is still a mystery to me as I have my doubts that regardless of what I want and if I eventually get there. Will I be happy/satisfied? I will make this post brief as it is getting late and I have work tomorrow. First my past.

I was born 3 out of 4 boys in my family. My mother unfortunately could not carry girls, having had 6 miscarriages/still birth before the 4 boys. Through out life I have joked that I have the female spirits of my 6 sisters within me, which is where my femininity comes from. I came up with this conclusion after constantly being told by my girl friends (not GirlFriend) by which I had a lot of them. Always more friends that were girls than were guys, I just seemed to understand and get alone with them better. I loved Gymnastics and stayed with that until I was in grade five, I was apart of the choir and loved playing house with my friend, who I will call Crystal. I usually was the mother. Doing the house work, cleaning, washing dishing, cooking etc. She would play the man, its funny when you look back and start to see pieces of a puzzle....

I have always liked dress up and knew I wanted to am an actor from and early age. I loved the idea that I could be anyone else, escape into a world where I can be anyone, do anything.

Fast forward to a few years ago. I broke up with my ex of 10 years and through the other girls that I have been with I started realizing that a part of me was using them to live through. I am friends with all of my ex's one of them being my best friend and we had a conversation one night about the past. She was with another men and we were talking about how he was and she asked me if I had any pointers because apparently I was really good. I told her that was simple, I did everything that I wanted done to me. That is when it hit me, the realization as to why all my ex's are still friends, why I have had almost every woman tell me that I feel more like a sister than a romantic partner and why I am the way I am in relationships.

I am doing everything in accordance to what I want done to me....

I have come clean to the idea that I might be transgender to a very select few and I have been told that when I dress up as myself, my whole persona changes, Like I have a whole new energy about me. When I heard that I could relate an energy does engulf me, It is almost like being arouse but it is not sexual, no; not sexual.... is it what freedom feels like?

I am still fully in the closet, well I do wear makeup from time to time and epilate my body, sometimes where a bra to work and have been tucking lately. It is just I have been with the same company for 15 years, which the idea of coming out terrifies me. Then there is my family.... I do not have many friends I think 2 maybe 3 that I can be fully open up to, so my family is all I have. If they don't approved I would almost literally be a hermit hehe which I have thought about. However it boils done to my mother, I have the utmost admiration for her, and what she had overcome to raise us right. She literally is the strongest person I know on this planet. I mean that both emotionally, and physically and we were not easy children. Example: She grounded us once - told us to go to our room, which was on the second floor. She said something in regards to "not taking a single step out the door...." so we ripped the screen off the window and jumped. It was a constant battle for her, all of us acting out, we were literally poor, (not this I was poor but I owned a computer...) a father who was cheating and spending all of his money on other thrills and girls. Yet she would also have dinner on the table, help with crafts, read a story now and then, and one of the most caring people...... however she is getting up their in age and things like the Tattoos and dying my hair have annoyed her. She was angry with my nipple piercings and asked if I would take them out so.... However she did mention something about me being the daughter last year at Christmas ... (thinking outloud....)

Maybe that is why she did not like the tattoos or the piercings.... does she view me as the daughter she never had???


I will ponder that.. It is time to sleep.

Have a good night everyone!

Laters

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Playground. Your story is no stranger than any of ours, and most of it fits the pattern. We are glad to have you here and hope you can both get something out and put something in to our life here. Please be sure to read the Terms and Conditions which you can access through the lowest right hand corner of any forum at least once. We do moderate all posts, and those are the guidelines for approving the stuff you folks write here. Again, welcome, you do sound like you belong.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Hey there, Welcome to Laura's playground! I think you'll find a lot of people here that will relate to your story.

Looking forward to seeing you post some more.

[Guest angels wings]

Hello lovey Welcome to Laura's

Looking forward to getting to know you

Angel:)

[Guest NightRainRaven]

Thank you everyone for the welcomes thus far. I felt better for the first time in a while after writing to this site. That tells me that perhaps I am finally going in the right directions.

Lets see.... I am on the road to quitting smoking, down to 1 a day and planning to drop that one starting next week. Yay! hehe I needed to quit for my surgery that is scheduled next month. Stomach hernia... ouch....

I am at work currently so I have to go... just wanted to say thanks

Laters <3

[Guest marissa anastasia1]

Hi Raven,

You have a very interesting story. It sounds as though your mother might be open to you being trans. If I were you I would try to broach the subject with her casually. She might turn out to be your best ally yet. Just a thought.

Much Love,

Marissa Anastasia aka Rissa

[Guest Amber Lynn]

Welcome, Raven!

Congratulations on taking the first step on your journey of self-discovery (and also on your steps to quit smoking!). I enjoyed reading your story, I think there are parallels with many people here. It's nice to get it all out, isn't it?

Please read, post, and ask about whatever's on your mind, we're all here to help in whatever way we can. Looking forward to getting to know you!

Gina

[Guest]

Welcome to LP Raven!

Thank you for your introduction.

There is a lot of information and a lot of friendly people here.

I wish you peace and prosperity on your journey.

Huggs,

Joann

[KathrynJulia]

Hello Raven and welcome to Laura's. Well you have taken the first step and it wasn't so bad, was it. I grew up feeling like one of the girls having more in common with my girl friends than enjoying things male. In time you will discover more about yourself so just keep an open mind, ask lots of questions and learn to take baby steps on this journey until you can't stand the pace and you find yourself sprinting because your heart tells your mind that the path you are on is oh so right.

Thanks for the introduction of yourself. I'm Kathryn and I'm happy to meet you.

[Guest NightRainRaven]

Thanks again for the warm welcome. <3

I was wondering if there is a Walk through/Tutorial section for this site. There is so much information and other links that I am getting a little overwhelmed on where to begin. I tried to enter the chat yesterday but I could not find the actual chat window. hehe. I have entered a couple of blogs, they are kind of the serious side I noticed upon reflection, literally just things that I needed to get out.

I saw the poetry section by again did not know how to add a poem. I like writing poetry I also draw a little is there a place for that?

BTW my name is Samantha, Sammy or Sam for short

Laters

[Guest JeepGirl90]

Welcome to Laura's Raven. look forward to getting to know you

-Christina

[Charlize]

Hi Sam, Welcome to Laura's. As to an index i'm afraid not. Its ok though. Take your time, read and post what you can. You'll find your way around. There are so many good games to play here. I usually hang out by the swing set out back. thats close to where we set up cookies and tea sometimes.

Enjoy dear you are not alone. That helped me so much and hopefully it will help you as well.

Hugs,

Charlie

[gennee]

Hi Raven and welcome. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Raven,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna

[Guest NightRainRaven]

Thank you for the information I was wondering how the chat rooms worked. Hehehe

I will make sure to stop by real soon.

Laters :-)

<3 Samantha