My Son's Drug Abuse

[KathrynJulia]

Hello All

I have a son who is an addict addicted to heroin, synthetic opiates and speed. It started out as a problem with pot which saw him flunking out of High School. I had to have him arrested just so I could get his attention, it got so bad. He graduated from High School and their were no two prouder parents than his mom and I that night.

With the help of his English Teacher, he went on to earn a bevy of scholarships for college. I let my guard down thinking he had licked his drug problem, but not really. He just got better at hiding the problem and it took me a while to catch on to the fact he was in trouble. His mother has always been his enabler. She chose to believe whatever nonsense he told her just so he would pay attention to her. She has her demons and issues. She chased him and hounded him and obsessed on him until she drove him almost as nutty as she had become. Everything I tried to help him was met by her trying to undo it. Torpedo my efforts and sink me to the bottom and she was very successful because his problem got worse.

It all came to a head one Saturday afternoon when he was involved in a car accident. Not even his fault, but a sharp eyed police officer spotted drugs in his car and he was arrested and charged with possession of cocaine. He was in some deep brown stuff and after I bailed him out of jail that night, I hugged him, and I felt bad for him because he was charged with a felony. It started a war between our son, myself and my wife. It has caused my marriage to end and my son in prison for the second time.

Today I had to give my son tough love. He's back on the old path where he hustles his mother for money and me for food and a place to live. He’s sitting in prison and is due to get out in a couple of months. Letting him get out and live with me just enables him to return to doing what he did before and he’s still looking for a different outcome than what he’s always gotten before. I love this kid and it’s killing me that he’s still lost in the wilderness. He doesn’t believe that I have his best interests at heart.

Yesterday my wife called me to enquire if our divorce was final. We are within days of having the marriage ended. I confronted her about the amount of money she has been sending our son while he is in prison. He has to have the best of everything and he just needs to learn to make it in life without hustleing either his mother for money or looking for a place to live with me.

Tonight I watched the movie, Flight with Denzel Washington as he tackles his addiction after years of lying to himself for years about his alcoholism and drug addiction. My son has been lying to himself for a dozen years. I’m going to go visit him tomorrow. He doesn’t know I’m coming for a visit. But I need to let him know that I’m not giving up on him. He needs to know that I love him. Guess I’m going to need to tell him in person. KathrynJulia

[Guest JazzySmurf]

Hi Kathryn,

I'm sorry that your son is going through drug issues. I wish you and your soon the best on your trip tomorrow; good for you for sticking with him :-)

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Aw Katherine, drug addictions are so insidious. It sounds like your son is very bright and could do alot with his life but the addictions have just dragged him down. I truly hope you can get through to him and get him on a healthier path. I hope you have a safe trip and all goes well.

Big Hugs,

Sarah

[Charlize]

Oh dear person i'm so sorry for the pain he has caused you. Someday he may realize it as well but we addicts often can't see past our own needs. Is there any chance he will go to NA or AA because if he is willing the 12 step programs do work. There are a few of us here as you know who have gone that path. The support groups for others might help both you and your soon to be ex.. They are good support groups and that alone often takes away some of the guilt and pain caused by our part in another's addiction. Kathryn i wish you peace. That must be so hard.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Rhy]

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can only imagine the pain of an aware parent watching their child suffer addiction. I grew up in an alcoholic home and know the other sides of addiction; growing up with addicted parents and then becoming an alcoholic myself.

I have gotten a lot better thru AA. Have been an active member for a long time now. I have seen many people come back from many a bad spot and become more of the person they were meant to be. I hope your son will find his path to recovery.

Whether or not he finds his path to recovery, you can find support and your own recovery from addiction in the support groups of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Addiction effects (or affects: i always get that wrong) the whole family and friends.

I am glad you are staying by your son and tough love is good. It took most people I know to lose everything before they come in for help.

Love him but not at the expense of losing you! I have had to break off from my family to keep my sobriety.

Hang in there and you and your son will be in my prayers,

Rhy

[Guest]

I'm so sorry you need to go thru this KathrynJulia.

I can only offer you a shoulder to cry on when needed.

I wish you peace and strength on your journey.

Huggs,

Joann

[Michelle 2010]

Agree on the Al-Anon... I have been attending for several months and have run into a few mothers who have been tortured and turned inside out by their son's addictions. You and your wife are powerless over his addiction. The only thing you have control over is how you respond to it. That's what Al-anon is all about. Watching a loved one destroy themselves is brutally painful.. Al-anon deals with your pain, not his...

I realize you may already know this but i'm sure some readers may not.

Michelle

[Guest KathleenMarie27]

I am a greatful recovering cocaine addict. I went to prison. I had to hit bottom. It does not sound like your son has hit bottom. Notjing will change until he hits that bottom. As harsh as this sounds, you must love from a distance. You must make him understand that you love him but will no longer tolerate this type of behaviour. I am here if you need advice or help.

[VickySGV]

As another one who is out of the closet addict, and co-dependent, I add to the suggestion that you and possibly your soon2bx get involved in Al-anon or CODA (CoDependents Anonymous). Your X is obviously Co-dep, and you may not believe it, but you need help to avoid the damage it can do. I was suicidal over the CoDep issue as much or more so than addiction (hell - I wanted the booze to kill me) but with the help I got on both issues, here I am today. http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=40337#entry478955

[KathrynJulia]

Agree on the Al-Anon... I have been attending for several months and have run into a few mothers who have been tortured and turned inside out by their son's addictions. You and your wife are powerless over his addiction. The only thing you have control over is how you respond to it. That's what Al-anon is all about. Watching a loved one destroy themselves is brutally painful.. Al-anon deals with your pain, not his...

I realize you may already know this but i'm sure some readers may not.

Michelle

Michelle

I attended Al-Anon for several years plus we had a parent's support group that was so helpful as well. With the help of my therapist, I've finally have reached a point where he can hurt me, but I won't be manipulated anymore. He wants out of prison and needs a home plan to get out. Same garbage that he has shoveled in the past, bounced right off me.

They will promise you anything to get what they want. I told him sure, he can come live with me provided he can point to a six month period in the past twelve years where he hadn't lied or tried to con me. Where he hadn't broke his promise to stay off drugs. I told, point to that period and a bedroom is all yours. Silence was deafening. Almost blew my eardrums out, it was soooooo quiet.

Guess he is going to be living somewhere else. He has to learn the hard way what his life choices have left him. I still love him. I'm still going to hurt when he makes bad choices. He's scheduled to get out of prison July 17th and he will be 26 years old. Thanks everyone for your encouragement and help. I very much appreciate all of you. You are truely wonderful each and everyone of you. Kathryn

[Guest JazzySmurf]

Kathryn, good for you for making those responses as you did :-) I hope your son can use this experience to grow and free himself of the addiction soon. Hang in there :-)

[Guest angels wings]

Kathryn I'm lost for words but I want you to know I have been thinking of you I hope and pray your son realises how much you do love him and how much his life could change for the better if he makes the right choices .

Angel ((((((((( hugs))))))))

[Guest]

A big HUGG to you Kathryn Julia.

It is a necessary but painful choice to make.

Huggs,

Joann

[KathrynJulia]

Thank you everyone:

This week, I also told his enabler, my ex-wife that I don't care what she says about our son, my answer is no. That I've spent 12 years trying to help him reach bottom and she keeps him from hitting there and wants to keep him controlled. She will keep trying to wheedle and say anything so that I take him in but my answer has to be no.

I'm in a good place now. My financing is approved for surgery and I'm making plans with my sister. I'm through allowing my son and ex-wife to manipulate me and raise havoc with my life. I've let both know that they are on their own and need to handle their own problems. I'm even considering changing my phone number just to enjoy peace in my life from their noise. My therapist has really helped me see that I can't fix them. They need to seek help to fix their own problems. So thank you everybody. I may rejoin Al-anon. They were very helpful in the past. Kathryn

[Guest]

Way to go, Kathryn!

Thank you for the good news.

Huggs,

Joann

[Michelle 2010]

Alanon introduced me to the 3 C's: I can't Control it, I didn't Create it, and I can't Cure it.... and.....maybe most importantly....

the 4th C: I sure as heck can Contribute to it, if I forget the first 3 C's...

Happy for you Kathryn

Michelle