Helping A Family Member Into Drugs and Possibly Transgender

[Guest Jenn348]

I'm not open about my gender identity with all of my family yet, but I am open to a few. One of them is my cousin, who is gay, and has been openly gay for years.

Turns out after talking with my uncle that he's into drugs, and bad. You name it, he's into it and it has finally drug him down and taken nearly everything. Nearly all of his enablers have left him out to dry and he was stealing things from family to sell for drugs. Tonight, he's in the hospital and is getting put in rehab. Family members are trying to keep his mother from being codependent and supporting his behavior any further.

Years ago, my sister was in the same boat with drugs, and we got her through it. What we've learned is that the person lost so far into drugs can't really be reasoned with and they need to dry out for a while and get their mind right again before they can really begin social recovery. We're hoping it works out for him.

What I didn't expect was that my uncle would start talking about some of his other recent behavior. Apparently, based on the limited information my uncle gave, he is definitely a crossdresser and might be gender dysphoric. He dresses in drag, but has also been doing other things that might indicate it's more than that. That was a real shocker, because I've been open to my cousin and he didn't tell me about it.

This does, however make a lot more sense. Being gay in a religious family can be a real crucible, but gays are much more socially accepted by society than the transgender. He may have gotten into drugs a few years ago because of transgender issues.

It was also very interesting seeing the reactions of family members who were present to hear about all this. My aunt, my sister and my parents weren't shocked much by all this (parents have known about me for a while, just not that I am transitioning, my aunt has a lesbian daughter and my sister knows everything), but my uncles and a few others had lots of verbal and facial expressions of disgust (I watch Lie To Me too much) and seem to think that drugs can change one's gender identity or that sexual orientation and gender identity are malleable in the face of drugs.

Based on your all's experiences (being trans and having drug problems in this sub-forum), what would be the best approach to help?

My theory is that it would be best to let him get dried out and sober first and then try to help him (or possibly her, I don't really know at this point) deal with these issues with family and try to defend him from the scorn and shame tactics people in the family will level in his/her direction.

Thoughts? Discuss.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Well Jenn, I don't really have much experience with drugs personally and I'm sure a member who has more knowledge in this area will be along at some point with good advice.

Honestly I think your assessment of the situation is probably right, get him through rehab, then get him into therapy to try to sort out the gender issues. It also may prove helpful to educate your family members some in regards to gender identity issues, though unfortunately that may not do much. Sometimes people want to look for any thing to grasp onto so they can make them selves blind to the truth, I grew up in a very religious family and I've been out for over 4 years and for years they wanted to reason that it was a phase, or that I had talked my self into it because of the internet, or that video games did it. People who want to believe that Trans issues are a moral issue will often grab onto anything to maintain that belief, all you can do is try to educate them. Most of my family came around but only after they started seeing the positive effects my transition has had on me.

Anyways am hoping the best for your cousin, and hopefully you can help your cousin get their life together and get on a more stable, and less dangerous road.

Sarah

[Guest chngnwnd]

I work with a lot of individuals with histories of substance abuse. The one thing I consistently see is that anyone can change their trajectory if they have both the desire to make different decisions and appropriate supports. I think you need to be honest and open with your cousin about what you see - that could make your cousin feel shame, but that is not quite the same as shaming someone.

hugs

Bobbi

[Guest Jenn348]

... for years they wanted to reason that it was a phase, or that I had talked my self into it because of the internet, or that video games did it. ...

I find that interesting. In my cousin's case, they think his behavior is the drugs talking. I explained to them that things like sexual orientation and gender identity aren't choice based, that they are fixed before birth, but they weren't hearing any of that.

In my case, family members that know and disagree think it was caused by one of my other cousins showing me his equipment when I was a small child. He may have been grooming me for further abuse, but they sent him back to my aunt's house on the next flight, so we'll thankfully never know.

I find it interesting how people like to latch onto other things that they think aren't right in our lives and try to lash them all together to make it easier to dislike us.

[Charlize]

Jenn,

I would like to think that once your uncle has been through rehab. he will move on to NA or AA. There is little anyone can do until he makes that decision for himself. It was not easy for me to reach out to others to help me stop the one thing that gave any pleasure during my addiction. I'm sure there were many reasons i got there and that my gender issues were just one reason i lost control of my life to alcohol. I will say that what i have learned in my 12 step program has made my life better than my wildest dreams and it just gets better day by day.

Just like our gender issues, drug problems can paralyze us. I am grateful now that i was an addict. I lost a number of years perhaps but now with sobriety has come the ability to be myself in this world and that is truly a gift from those spirits that lived in the bottle. Many have found an easier way but that was mine.

For your family you might want to consider AlAnon. It helps to be able to find a way to deal with the addicted person without feeling the guilt and other issues that surround and follow the addict as he wrecks his way through life.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest MaudeB]

Having drank the house, snorted like a vacuum cleaner and gulp any pills I could find and finally finding TOTAL sobriety 6 years ago, I can tell you one thing. "Most people drink in moderation and don't have a problem with it. What needs to be found is why your uncle drink too much" Everyone has a reason for consumming too much. I have a compulsize frame of mind (temprerament?). I will consume everything in excess if not properly restreined.

Now, I consume knowledge. That's been there all my life and it's my therapy. Once I find interest in a subject, Google is my friend and I'll delve into it. For substances though Google may not help much.

The most efficient way for your uncle not to abuse is theray once he's sober to figure out WHY he consume over limit. Remark that there is no limit for myself in anything so I need to stay on a reasonnable path all the time and watch myself constently for not abusing knowledge... Once we abused substances, there is only one choice when sober: NEVER AGAIN. If you can't honestly say that and promise that to yourself and have no support, chances are you'll dive back.

The keywords here are: WHY do I drink, WHO can support me when I need to talk and finally, WHAT else can I do when those urges to consume comes...

I hope your uncle find answers to those questions and get better. But remember: only HE can walk the path. There is a whole lot more I could tell you but one last thing: don't let yourself drawn into this too much. Keep a safe and what you feel is reasonnable distance.

[Michelle 2010]

The most efficient way for your uncle not to abuse is theray once he's sober to figure out WHY he consume over limit. Remark that there is no limit for myself in anything so I need to stay on a reasonnable path all the time and watch myself constently for not abusing knowledge... Once we abused substances, there is only one choice when sober: NEVER AGAIN. If you can't honestly say that and promise that to yourself and have no support, chances are you'll dive back.

The keywords here are: WHY do I drink, WHO can support me when I need to talk and finally, WHAT else can I do when those urges to consume comes...

I hope your uncle find answers to those questions and get better. But remember: only HE can walk the path. There is a whole lot more I could tell you but one last thing: don't let yourself drawn into this too much. Keep a safe and what you feel is reasonnable distance.

Maude, while I agree with most of your post, and applaud the wonderful job you have done changing your life, I would like to clarify for some readers other than those of us who have posted here:

For many of us addicts, it reaches a point where we can't follow your particular path...For many of us, we end up powerless over our substance and have no ability to stop. When that point is reached, the WHY is not important and can be illustrated by a true story... A teacher friend in recovery was approached by a co-worker who was distraught that her husband would not and could not stop drinking. She asked my friend, "what am I doing wrong, why am I not enough for him to be happy?" His reply was, " Asking why an alcoholic drinks is like asking why a television shows pictures.... its because that's what they do..."

So, stopping drinking for an alcoholic or drug addict has nothing to do with what starts them down that path... The thing you and I will agree on is that if we stay the person we were, we will do what that person did.... How we change may occur through different paths, but change is definitely a necessity, right?

Hugs

Michelle

[Guest MaudeB]

Hi Michelle,

I'm sure all of us will appreciate the kind and sound words you just wrote. Althought, for me and me only, the path diverged somehwat. That'll be my last contribution to these kind of conversations, while I realize that my "experience" and how I got out of it is quite different.

I hope that everyone who reads these words will benefit from Michelle's and seek proper assistance. I hope with all my heart that they'll find it. I mostly hope that the world we live in and the pressure it puts on us for various reasons will someday ease that pressure by enlarging their vision on "ways of life" and "ability to cope" for that people can follow their true path w/o feeling the need to consume for ANY reason.

I'll read from time to time and keep everyone of in my prayers. As for the TV analogy: remember that a TV can be "tuned" to a different channel and still be a TV and suddenly becomes enjoyable... In my case, the TV also had two very dangerous aspects: a power cord and a "switch"... I HAD to change channels myself.

With all my heart!

Godspeed!

Anyone needing help can PM me anytime !

Maude