A wake-up call I needed

[Guest Kaylee234]

I drink. A lot.

I never really considered it a problem. Well, of course that's not true. I knew it was, or could be at times.

I knew it was a problem last year after I moved into my old apartment, when I missed a whole week of work because I'd get dizzy and have palpitations every time I'd try to stand up. And yet when I could, I would refill my drink.

I knew it was a problem when I found myself standing night after night at the window of my 12th-floor apartment with a bottle of gin in my hand, wondering if I'd pass out before I'd find the nerve to jump.

My GT knew it was a problem the first day I met her, when she saw I had checked "35-40 drinks a week" on the initial questionnaire. Hey, I was just being honest. And I think it was the highest available choice anyway.

I really want a drink right now. And if I wasn't getting ready to check in to the county sheriff's office to go to jail, I'd likely wander over to get one.

I don't have any memory of getting in my car that night.

I'm just thankful I didn't hurt anyone.

I'll see you all in a couple days.

~ Kay

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Well I am glad that you are starting to recognize your problem consciously now, I hope that you can find the support and strength you need to start living a healthier life style Kaylee.

Hope your not going to jail for anything too serious, and maybe once your out you could consider finding a AA group and start working your way towards recovery. We're thinking about you, hope to see you back here soon!

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest angels wings]

Take care Kay (((((((hugs)))))))) don't look back lovey see this as a chance to change your life for the best because you deserve the best .

Thinking of you

Angel

[Charlize]

There are several alternatives for the active alcoholic. Death, insanity or jail. I'm glad you realize the problem and will have some dry out time. i've been there although not for drink related events. There is an easier softer way. Try AA. Go to a meeting. We have one here every Sun at 9:00 eastern in the chat rooms.(separate sign in). I was a hopeless drunk. It's late Fri night and i'm just back from a meeting and feeling great. Most of my life i would have been wasted or blacked out by now.

That's a miracle! It was the best thing that has ever happened to me and countless others.

Hugs,

Charlie

[KathrynJulia]

Take care Kay:

Alcoholism is a problem in our community as we try to blanket the pain of dysphoria. Go for help after you get out. In time you will put your life back on track without needing a drink to live life. Peace Kay. Kathryn

[VickySGV]

Several of us will be right here for you when you come on back. Twentynine years ago I was wearing a blue jumpsuit with L.A. County Jail on the back of it. 72 hours later I had done the time and begun the community treatment routine. Even then, it would be another relapse before I got my life straightend out to where it is today.

As Charlie said, death, insanity, or jail. I did probably two of them, and worked on the third. Join us on the Sunday Chats when you can get to it. We won't hold the "boarding school" time against you. Good luck,

[Guest Kaylee234]

So I finished my first weekend last night. I haven't had that boring of a Saturday in a long, long time. No windows. No clock. No TV. The hours dragged on and on. I spent a lot of time sleeping or at least dozing. It was hard getting comfortable, since they had us in a gymnasium on old exercise mats. I guess weekenders don't rate actual beds.

I can deal with boredom; I was in the navy longer than I'd care to admit. I think the thing that bothered me the most was that they "lost" my medication, so I didn't get my daily dose on Saturday. That bothered me a LOT. I ended up filing a formal grievance about it, which made the corrections officers mad but hey, how is it possible to lose someone's medication in a few hours? Plus, of all the people whose meds got lost it was mine? Thank you, VB city jail, for living up to your reputation regarding trans inmates. I did get my Sunday pills, though only half of my E dose since apparently the nurses don't know how to read the directions on the bottle. Of course I took the other half on my way to my car.

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I have another weekend and a half to go to serve my 5 days. It could have been much, much worse and I'm looking forward to getting all this behind me. Maybe with the support of my friends I can curb this self-destructive behavior.

I meant to show up to the chat AA meeting last night, but Cassie said she wanted to get Indian food and the best restaurant in town is in the building I live in So I told her to meet me at the wine bar across the street By the time she showed up I was on I think my 5th mimosa. Dinner was delicious though

How long does the chat thing last? I showed up late and said hi in general but it was getting late and decided to go to bed.

~ Kay

[Charlize]

Glad your out dear but... the wine bar? Hate to say it but as nice as a drink with dinner is 5 is a bit much for most 'normal' drinkers. It does sound like it might be time for you to do something about the drinking. The first step is to realize that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life is unmanageable. I sure felt that. If you can wrap your head around the idea of it controlling you then please join us in the substance abuse area of the chat rooms. We were there until almost 10:30 last night. And while we start at 9:00Eastern the length of the meeting can vary depending on who comes. maybe you could hit a local meeting. Most areas have GLBT meetings as many of us have substance problems.

Hope to see you.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Kaylee234]

Yeah, that's not even counting the 2 glasses of wine I had with dinner, then the 2 I had after dinner. I've been telling myself that I'm getting better but today realizing that I drank at least 2 bottles of wine last night, I'm definitely not. I'm seriously out of control.

Is the chat thing just on Sundays, or are there other days too?

~ Kay

[Charlize]

That is the only meeting we do here. There are several other on line meetings and if you are interested there are also some trans skype meetings but they unfortunately sometimes have limited space.

I found a local group and went there a little over 6 years ago. I keep going and rarely miss meetings there. Your drinking sounds like mine as i progressed into a 24 hour drinker. I was hopeless but with help i'm sober today and have put some amazing growth behind me. The real time interaction is important. If you look up AA on the web you will find us everywhere. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. You will find that life is actually better without it but you've got to be willing to really try.

Please PM me or any of us for more help or if you feel like you have to have a drink. If i'm on line i'll be right there.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Kaylee234]

I guess the problem is I don't really desire to stop drinking.

I went to chat tonight to talk, maybe a bit too late since I was already drinking before. But nothing. The topic of the evening I suppose was phantom menstrual symptoms.

[VickySGV]

We can wait for you to decide you want or need to stop drinking. All of us are racking up our sober days that are so much better than the ones we spent hitting our heads on the floor, piano benches, curbs, and the like, and where we were wondering how to find another buck to buy the stuff. I had an income increase of over $450 per month when I decided I wanted to quit this time. At today's prices it may be even more. If you need help to keep from drinking some night, that is a non-life threatening crisis situation, so get one of the crisis trained chat mods to take you into a crisis room. If you see me on here, PM me, and I can use what little status I have as a Forum Mod over on chat, and go there and we can chat about what it takes to keep a drink from going into your guts.

Our regular AA/NA chat is Sunday's at 9pm eastern time. Waiting in fact is fine with us, because of what we have and do everything we know how to keep it. We'll take you as you come though, but we do like how we feel without booze, and how it makes our gender issues that much more bearable and even enjoyable. Some of the humor that recovering alcoholics come up with is unique, but contains some serious stuff as well.

[Guest Kaylee234]

Somehow last night I convinced myself that going for a glass of wine was a good idea.

I guess it ended badly. Or started badly, maybe. I don't know. My daughter told me that I was really sad last night and that she was concerned. I was having ideations. Still am this morning, TBH. But I know I won't go through with it so no worries, right

~ Kay

[Michelle 2010]

For an alcoholic of my type, the elevator only goes down.... The good news is we can pick which floor we get off on. Five weekend days in the slammer with other weekenders is a hickup, in spite of the med messups and resentments that built up.

Here are the first two paragraphs of chapter three of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous"

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

Note the phrase, " The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."

Smashed is quite an adjective, no? There aren't many statements in the book stronger than this one. So for me, this part of the book was like..." hey, they know who I am...." "they know what its like to be me...

For untreated alcoholics of my type, they stand to lose a lot if the problem isn't dealt with... Transgender dreams, family, jobs, self respect, health, and so on.

If you aren't an alcoholic, simply stop until, say, New Years? Then you can go back to doing what you don't want to stop doing. If you can't stop, then maybe the notion that you can drink like other people probably needs to be smashed. For me it needed to be smashed

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest Kaylee234]

Ok, so I've finished serving my five days in the slammer. I'm glad that's behind me. Now I just have to make it a year without incident. Hopefully that won't be an issue.

I've been looking into AA meetings in my area because I really do think that I need help. I only found 2 that are what I think are designated LGBT friendly, but how do I know for sure? I really don't want to feel more uncomfortable there than I already will, if you understand what I mean.

~ Kay

[Charlize]

You will be fine dear. Jump in you will find that you will be accepted esp. in a GLBT meeting. Try to be as honest as you can and it your experiences are like mine you will find people reaching out to help. The days can start to stack up and it gets easier. It was nice to meet you at the Chat meeting.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Kaylee234]

Well I went to my first AA meeting this evening. I was a little late because there's road construction all around that area and my GPS didn't know how to handle it. It was an OK experience I guess. We went out to dinner as a group afterwards and everyone was very nice and used the right pronouns so that made me feel good.

I'm planning on going to next week's meeting.

~ Kay

[Michelle 2010]

Sounds like a great start Kay! A meeting and then the meeting after the meeting. Pretty cool. As was said to me when I first arried, "take what you need and leave the rest...". If there are bits and pieces you don't get or don't like, concentrate on what sounds right.... "Identify, don't compare...." is a good motto.

Hugs

Michelle

[Charlize]

Kay that's great. Often it's the time before and after that are such great fun with people from everywhere sharing and laughing together. I'm so glad you went to your first meeting in the real world. Hopefully i'll see you tomorrow night at chat. With luck more of us will be there.

Hugs,

Charlie