Self-Therapy

[Guest ~Emmie~]

So, with 3-4 months out of therapy, I've gone a little sir-crazy. Haven't posted in forever- last I did in February, I was living day-to-day, terrified that I'd have to move out, fighting major bouts of depression, and struggling to understand my transgenderism. As of late, life is so better with my GF; still get depressed, but we're talking loads more, loving and working around the dysphoria, and finding ways to relieve stress; and as I'm still without a certain GID diagnosis, I'm sortof in a twilight-zone of guy/girl expressions, dressing in private, and trying not to let me dysphoria overwhelm me like a tidal wave.To that end, I'm writing poetry again. Badly. Yay!

Thanks to any who suffer through this.

-Em

Body-Double (working title)

I catch glimpses, sometimes, like bad Polaroids; a flash

of teeth, the bat of an eyelash, a certain look. Upon reflection

I replicate only MySpace mouth-pouts, laughable and fraudulent. Still, she waits

(myself haunting myself) for her moment to peak through the curtain,

peering out at the world through lengthening hair,

curious but wary, an animal that has been fed with kicks

and left under the porch to sleep in the dirt.

Small wonder she hid;

small wonder she mistrusts her twin,

the golden boy who got it good and learned early

being different meant being hated;

no one likes the kid who played with girls and sucks at sports.

Growing up, we got quiet, blended in, book-wormed and dreamt.

We could be a tree, or a dog,

or hell even a girl

as long as she shot lasers or chewed bullets.

Closets were small, space enough for one-and-a-half,

and besides, it was warmer;

New England was pregnant dog-cold.

Plus, under hoodies and knit-caps and gloves,

bundled-up it was hard to tell between.

We used colors; green and brown for dudes, magenta and teal for chicks.

(I hated pink anyways, but the lack of breasts beneath bit.)

When summer rolled, we got tan, swam, slept late and chased tail-

never realizing it was our own. (Young and dumb)

We thought we were betterfasterstronger than anyone

(ourselves included).

We beat OCD- what’s a little gender confusion? It was fantasy, kid’s stuff, outdated and plastic.

It ended up in the attic for the next mental yard-sale.

(Piled up faster than we thought.)

They say hindsight is 20/20 (we always had crap vision though, didn’t we? she laughs)

Never mind you cried silent to God on a ride home from Boston when you were 11, for green eyes and long hair -

Never mind you ached phantom pain for parts that never existed-

Never mind that you read every book with a plucky female lead, needing so badly for it to be you-

(I was here the whole time).

Now do you understand?

You jammed into the jigsaw, squeezed into the picture frame, froze for the camera-

nevermind It never fit right

then

it fit enough.

P.S: As of this date, I have contacted a new, more specialized GT. Hopefully (fingers crossed) I can start working towards figuring myself out again.

[Guest]

That's wonderful Em.

Thanx for sharing.

Huggs,

Joann

[Carolyn Marie]

Lovely poem, Emmie.

I'm really glad that things are looking up for you, and you're feeling better about your relationship and yourself. I hope that good things continue coming your way.

HUGS

Carolyn

[Guest Jennifer T]

Thanks for sharing that, Em. So much in common! So much it seems we who are burdened with this thing share. As I read your poem I could vividly recall most every instant of your words in my own life. "Hallie" was the first protagonist in a book that I read when I was young in whose place I desired to be. I kept that bookocked away from my siblings and read it many times over. I still have it.

Good luck with your journey forward!

Peace.

[KathrynJulia]

Wonderful Emmie

You won't always live your life in limbo land. Sooner or later life twists and turn and changes occur. It's really tough on you right now as I well know. Hope kept me going and please let it work for you. Kathryn

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Em,

<<< hug >>>

Please don't put your poetry down sweet heart

I liked it

I look forward to reading your next one

vanna