My Life, Past and Present Tense

[Guest CassieX]

Enter My Mind, the Abyss
Where thoughts crawl to die
And things slither, best unmentioned
In twilight worlds of broken dreams
I scream impotent defiance
As the jackals begin to feast on the flesh of my lost hope
A dream cracks, then shatters
Into ghastly shards of nightmare
To distort my waking reality
I fall to my knees sobbing, unable to endure the pain any more
And she is there
Unyielding against the darkness
She takes my hand and pulls me up
And together we walk from the darkness into the light
Its brightness dazzles me
And I throw up my hands to cover my face lest I be blinded
Warmth radiates from the light and I feel my soul embraced
As she joins with me and what was once broken is now healed
A priceless gift of hope
To live my life happy and whole

(Just a cheery little bit I threw together merging Past and Present. Writing it dredged up a whole lot of unpleasant memories but it was good to do as it showed me how far I've come from from back then. )

Cassie

[Guest sophia.gentry58]

Hi Cassie;

Well written poem, I like it!

Sophia

[Guest Kaylee234]

Things are getting better! I love it!

~ Kay

[Guest miss kindheart]

Wow what a poem

when reading it you can feel it

I thought it was gonna be a very dark poem , but it ended in the light

Your beautiful Cassie

But then you always have been

vanna

[Guest CassieX]

Thank you all for the kind words.

When I wrote the first part of the poem, It was in the early 1990s, and I was alone and about as far away in the world as I could get from my family and home. For a time I channeled all my negative feelings into writing and it wasn't pretty. Coming to terms with who I really was and being able to break the hard shell of the persona it seemed society had forced me to be took years. ( or decades I guess, since I had committed myself to a military career). The last years of my enlistment were hell and I felt like I was dieing inside.

Since I retired from the Navy in 2011, things have been getting better and better for me every day. Last year I got a new job, attended therapy, electrolysis, laser, started HRT back in January, started Transgender related medical care from the VA in February and came out to my family and most of my friends. It's not all sweetness and light. I'm almost certainly going to lose my wife, probably this year, but not because we don't love each other, but because of her cultural and societal mores. She can't emotionally cope being with another woman and it breaks my heart. That being said, I can't help but be relieved as I realise that the longer we try and stay together the more painful it will be for the both of us. Its very hard to live with someone who is hating you for transitioning one minute, then grieving the next for what she perceives she has lost. Sometimes she tries to help but then it just devolves into one or another of the negatives.

I firmly believe being true to oneself and being the person you want to be is the most precious gift you can give to yourself. I'm still scared about what the future may bring but never again will I let that fear control me or make me hide my face from the world.

<Insert random Fluffy Bunny or Kitten here>

Cassie

[Guest miss kindheart]

<Insert random Fluffy Bunny or Kitten here>

so which do you want or

vanna

[Guest CassieX]

AWW! I want them both!