ashtray

[Guest Bellexia]

Burned out, tossed in the ashed sand it won't decay

It gives it's brief break of relief many times a day

Tossed out forgotten, then when the pain comes again

it's remembered and another fresh feeling is pulled out

between the lines, the fineness a southern taste

a fresh soul used an abused, smashed of it's worth

who could know, who could care, what's the point

a plant once sturdy, strong fragrant, doomed from it's birth

try again, live again, it's never enough

The dogs nose burned from the smell

a fresh soul to burn toss down the well

burn creates the smoke and it's vapors

a choking mist, each moment lost in embered papers

with each stick another moment lost

it's used up by each person tired and gone

20 chances to make this person happy

20 times used, each burn a scar

fragmented, hurt and gone and here she lies in the can

of no use to that person she gave herself to

a solace in each burn that they would forget

forget that i am still burning

they tossed me and i flickered softly

burning hotter with each memory of theirs

catching it all, remembering it

torching them, trapping them in hell

as they took the time to trap me in the tray

there were no screams, no pain

they wished for it, gambling each time

Then it was gone.

[Charlize]

Glad i finally left that one behind but like all addictions they are waiting for me... just one then 20 or more each day.

Hugs without that ashtray smell at least for today,

Charlie

[Guest Bellexia]

just one more, just one more just one just one oh please god just one more cause in the end oh in the end its just another 5 minutes you wish you had before you fly away and leave it all behind.

[Guest Bellexia]

I will just continue with my stuff here. Seems pretty cathartic and I don't want to start a new thread for each thing.

My angel

In the swirling mists, across the pond against the storms

I left her, my regret, the pain I felt in her as the life slipped from her eyes

instead a veil of anger and sadness covered her, I lost her

If only I could have one more try, one chance to regain love lost

My rose had a thorn, it stuck in me, flowing through veins

tearing each artery of mine until I was lost, all hope fleeting

I look up at the full moon, is she there, or am I looking at my own life

barren, lost in a tormenting orbit, longing for what is not allowed

just out of reach, my soul burns in agony, a hell I created

to the shores of the cold rainy town, I walk alone at night

through the path of the grave, tear stained face eroded

forever god damned to spit in his eyes. forgiveness would not be earned

angry, a husk waiting for a victim to take their heart away, feral spirit

the woods I tread, ruins to my secrets, lips wetted upon my blood

splayed against the trees i wait for deaths reach, his ghastly visage

oh Azrael take me, forsake the world, my whores lips seek a simple kiss

the kiss of the divine, corrupting, your wings shredded

I'll never see my angel again, lost across the deepest sea in a kings land

she would never forgive me, my sins entangle me like damnation

my screams as I burn upon the pyre, the love keeps me engulfed in the blaze

the tear in my eyes as I remember our long loving words, your scent it hits me

just before i let out my last breath.

[Guest Jennifer T]

I like these poems, Bellexia. Lots of symbolism; metaphor - the ground upon which my soul treads and the cloud through which my spirit often soars.

Well done.

[Guest Bellexia]

Thanks hun, been trying to use poetry to vent out all the frustrations in my life as of late.

[Guest miss kindheart]

I can see your anguish in your words Bellexia

<< hug >>

I pray you find peace

vanna

[Guest Bellexia]

Love has never been an easy find for her

All of it, comes at a price. A price I can't afford

Deject, rejection, it's all the same. Pushed away

Just an unwanted freak who has stopped trying

You couldn't possibly know the feeling

Say it will get better and shrug it off until she cries again

She makes a joke of her life, that's all it ever was for her.

used like a piece of tissue, she's so tired.

So she walks into her room scribbles a note

did they ever find her, that was her joke

she knew that's how it was, to be invisible.

To just be a joke that people brush off

A joke she had the last laugh with

[Guest Jennifer T]

"You couldn't possibly know the feeling"

Bellexia, while I will never be presumptuous enough to state I know your pain, I will state that I do know what it's like to be a freak, to be rejected, to be ignored, to be alone. And I believe many here know those things as well.

I know this writing is an expression of your emotion and your hurt. I wish I could indeed tell you that "it gets better." there are those here who can tell you that. But I am not one of them. Though i do believe it has to somewhere. I can however share your pain. Or at least tell you that I care and please keep writing here. I will read and listen.

[Guest Bellexia]

It does not get better. For all the effort I have put into finding work, I am constantly denied. I have been to 5 interviews only to be told they found someone better. 40 applications in the past week. I am constantly berated because I cannot find work. I am constantly told I am weird, scary and morbid by those around me. The only friends I have are online. As such lately I cannot even find myself bothering to speak up to anyone. I just don't care anymore. I know the worst is going to happen so there is no point to hold a head up against it. Just let it break me. Let it destroy me. IDGA* anymore.

Edited July 13, 2013 by Cynthia Rae
removed certain letter, per the rules. shh C -

[Guest Bellexia]

OH OHOH I forgot, I am totally freaking alone. Yeah friendzoned by every prick with a single status. So yeah my life is just freaking peachy. I don't only wish I die, I wish that somehow with my death comes the demise of every living person within 4000 miles. Maybe some kind of plague. I dont care. Screw this world. I want everything to go out with a fiery bang.

[Guest Jennifer T]

Truthfully, I do not understand the "I wish everyone within 4000 miles ..." thing. A lot of people have done me wrong over the course of my life. But I do not wish them I'll. Truly. I hope they find healing.

[Guest Bellexia]

Well I guess I am not a good person. All the more reason for me not to exist.

[Guest miss kindheart]

wow that makes me so sad

vanna

[Guest Jennifer T]

Well I guess I am not a good person. All the more reason for me not to exist.

Bellexia, my comment wasn't a judgement on your character or your morals. Simply a statement concerning your comment that I didn't understand. Nothing more.

What is a 'good' person?

[Guest Bellexia]

It subsided for now. Thank you all for putting up with my crap. Still looking for work but... I will find it. Also quitting smoking, on e cigs and weening myself off.

[Guest miss kindheart]

<<< hug >>>

I hope you find peace sweet heart

Remember we are all here for you

vanna