The uselessness of coming out

[Guest aetherlux]

I went into detail to my mother about how I felt, and she was very accepting and even provided some of her own ideas, but it's like that conversation never happened. I'm still "her son". I understand that, since that's who I've practically been all my life, but I was hoping that after that talk she might make an effort to change up some words when referring to me. I don't mind too much, but I just wish she'd "my kid" or "my child" or even "my evil spawn". Anyone else dealing with something like that? Parents accepting, but still disregarding the changes?

[Guest Sarah Faith]

My grandma was really supportive but from te time I came out leading up to when I started transitioning, she never really started calling me Sarah or referred to me as female untill I actually started presenting as such and even then she gets it mixed up a lot. It's kind of hard for really close family to change their pronouns and such, they have seen as who we were born as our whole lives and its very difficult for them to let that go even when they really are supportive.

My best advice would be to have another talk with your mom and let her know how you feel about it and try to get a feel of how she feels about it. Patience is also a very important element here sometimes it just takes time.

Hugs,

Sarahj

[Guest aetherlux]

Oh, I definitely agree, and I'll probably do that again when I see her (which will be a while since we're not in the same state anymore). Thanks, Sarah.

[Charlize]

How we are called by our loved ones is always hard. It seems the less i know someone or the less important i am to someone the easier it is for them to use the correct pronouns. My son who is 39 years old does not seem to look at me as a female. I'm Dad and will always be that. It has been hard for him to see me change. It has hurt him more than anyone i fear. Time is helping but i still try to remind him that when he calls me dad in a crowd of strangers it causes me some discomfort as well. Oh well, they are strangers, but it is awkward. He tries and talking about it helps both of us. Sarah is certainly right , talk to her and be patient as well. Evil spawn you aren't.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest aetherlux]

Hehe. I say "evil spawn" sarcastically. We used to joke with each other. I'd call her "Mommy Dearest" and she'd call me "The Good Son".

Yeah, I understand the difficulty of having to think of me differently. I complain, myself, about how many genderqueer people pregnant dog about people not using their pronouns, but not everyone gets that, so you can't just expect people to say the right things. For the most part I just disregard it, but there's still that part of me that wants to hear what's fitting for me. When you've had a heart-to-heart discussion with someone you think, "okay, they get it now," and maybe they do, but change is hard. Patience is certainly the key.

[Charlize]

I learned that from a dear friend who was FTM. He transitioned fairly early in life and i found myself choking the she's for years and was always afraid of hurting him. Having seen it from both sides now i try to remember how i failed him at times if i'm upset with others for how they relate to me.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest aetherlux]

I noticed my use of the B word turned into "pregnant dog". Now the sentence just looks stupid. Are we not all adults here? They say that word on prime time TV. Come on, Mods. At least replace the B word with "complain".

[Guest Mia J]

The word filter changed it. Please check the terms and conditions:

20). Profanity. Remember, this is a G or PG rating forum and posts including profanity and swearing or trying to get around the "bad word" filter will be edited or removed. This includes typing F***, this is the same as saying it. No insults or name calling.

Mia

[Guest aetherlux]

Yeah, I know, but sometimes those words perfectly express things that g-rated terms can't. I'll choose my words carefully, though. I don't want to end up a pariah on here. I'm not a troll.

[Guest Mia J]

We know your not a troll and most of us have been caught by the "word filter" that have made for some hilarious posts. We have those rules because one of the main purposes of the site is to provide support for younger members and we don't want to get a parent mad at something they see here and then ban their child from a site that can provide support.

Mia

[Guest aetherlux]

I guess I didn't realise that minors were in here. Me sorry.

[Guest Melissa~]

Proper persistant presentation provides people( or parents) with pronoun guidance.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Proper persistant presentation provides people( or parents) with pronoun guidance.

I pretty much have to agree with this, it's been my experience so far.. When I started actually presenting as female, I started being treated as one.

Sarah

[Guest aetherlux]

Well, I really have no idea how one presents as androgyne. I tend to wear very unisex things. I mean, I suppose I could train my voice to be higher, but it's not really all that deep (unless I want it to be). I wear a beanie constantly to cover my receding hairline.

My flatmate said, in their own words, in a series of texts:

"You have a strong sense and embrace of your feminine side. Gentle, intuitive, social and more cerebral and artistic or creative based with more sensitivity and more of a focus on friendships and love rather than a focus on sex and competitive dominance.

You also have good, gentle manners and have very soft, feminine features. I notice and am drawn to peoples' hands. I thin your hands are softer and more feminine than my own hands. You hold yourself with a feminine tilt, also.

You also have a genuine youthful quality and genuineness and asexuality. That purity you kept from childhood is considered a feminine trait. So, some of your youthful aspects could be perceived from the untrained eye as fem when in reality it is genderless and more akin to the purity of a child before the point of puberty...That is why those traits we all once held are considered fem in adulthood, but they are really not. You are blessed to have never lost that gift."

Nonetheless, I suppose I could try more things. I've just always dressed comfortably; not to give some kind of impression.

[Guest Dillinger]

My cousin Andria is pretty accepting of me. She says she will support me in any choice I make regarding transition. And yet I am her children's Auntie no matter what. This doesn't bother me though. Even if I were to go full transition I would be my babies Auntie. I'd just be an awesome dude aunt.

[Guest aetherlux]

Even if I were to go full transition I would be my babies Auntie. I'd just be an awesome dude aunt.

That's all that really matters.

[tracy_j]

I must admit after years of tinkering now I am just tending to be more relaxed and living the part. I am finding that although no-one understands most accept without problem but always be ready for someone to be shocked. Must admit I just live the part to a large extent and do not even worry about 'coming out' as an issue. I know there have been and will be problems but everyone has them. I admit this is a very simplistic view especially as I live and work in a generally accepting environment but I am finding that things are easier if you are at one with yourself.

[Guest Micha]

I went into detail to my mother about how I felt, and she was very accepting and even provided some of her own ideas, but it's like that conversation never happened. I'm still "her son". I understand that, since that's who I've practically been all my life, but I was hoping that after that talk she might make an effort to change up some words when referring to me. I don't mind too much, but I just wish she'd "my kid" or "my child" or even "my evil spawn". Anyone else dealing with something like that? Parents accepting, but still disregarding the changes?

That describes almost exactly how my "coming out" went with my wife. She didn't say much, just listened, and now it's like we just don't talk about that. Not very fulfilling. . . Still better than her spazing out. The issue comes when lines drawn by oppositional sexism (masculinity for men, femininity for women, exclusively) are reinforced. As an example, while shopping we stop and admire a skirt - when I say that's something I'd wear, she replies that frightens her. That hurts, and I said so that moment, and there was no further discussion after that. I really don't know why it's like that, or what to do about it, but we keep on keepin on. I don't think it's intentional, jus' not being able to move on with the new idea.

Your mother may not be disregarding you so much that she's stuck in old habits and is so used to you being something else.

How we are called by our loved ones is always hard. It seems the less i know someone or the less important i am to someone the easier it is for them to use the correct pronouns.

This makes my heart hurt. . .

Well, I really have no idea how one presents as androgyne. I tend to wear very unisex things. I mean, I suppose I could train my voice to be higher, but it's not really all that deep (unless I want it to be). I wear a beanie constantly to cover my receding hairline.

​Hats and bandannas work nicely too.

I don't know how to present as androgyne either. The whole idea seems silly to me. I am an androgyne, so however I act and whatever I do should therefor be considered androgynous by default. Perplexing. . . Confusticate and be bother these things. If how you behave naturally isn't seen as androgynous, than the observer is likely missing something, I don't feel you should have to act differently in order to get the treatment you desire. Dialogue would be my suggestion.