Anyone Else Tired Of Being A 'freak'?

[Guest CharlesMonroe]

Hey guys.

I haven't been here in ages. I used to post a lot when i was finding myself and beginning my transition, but **** really hit the fan in the last year and i haven't been up to talking about it.

I feel like talking now, even though i can't find the words to say how i feel.

I feel like these words are being wrenched out of me, it's been so long since i told anyone how i've been feeling. I was hurt really badly by somebody i opened up to, and i never ever want it to happen again. So, i shut myself off. There was a time i was more open about how i felt, but now i dont feel like i can bring myself to tell even my most accepting friend how i feel. The words just die in my throat, and are quickly glazed over with a joke. So, now i drink instead. It's taking every bit of willpower to not just delete this entire message, because to be honest, to seem weak when more than anything right now i have to be strong. Stronger than everybody else to get myself through.

I finally finished high school last year, the end of the worst, most helpless era of my life was finally over. So, i began college in the bigger town just an hour away from the one i live in. At first things were great. Things are still great, if you take into account my experience of school, i suppose i got my expectations up to high. I should of heard the warning siren when i noticed a few people who arrived at the college knew me previously. I just hoped the place was so big i'd be able to blend in, and a few rumours wouldn't upset things too much. Boy was i wrong. Of course, i got a lot of funny stares and stuff, i dont pass fantastically. It wasn't a big deal untill someone dropped the bombshell (ie 'Did you know that guy's really a girl?' or 'that person had a a sex change.'). So, the one place really felt safe has now become threatening to me. I'm constantly aware of the looks and stares, the whispers. My friends try and be nice about it, but they all know somethings up. It's got up to the point where a number of students have made it their mission to find out 'my deal'. In fact, i recently had some guy try and get me to sleep with him, just so he could tell everybody about it. Fortunately i'm not stupid and saw it coming a mile away, and a friend told me what was going on. Yeah, and people wonder why im so misanthropic. It's got to the point that im so worried about insecure ******** like that guy threatening me, i dont even want to go out. Usually i try and be strong, just brave the situation, but strong is the last thing i'm feeling right now.

To top it all off my Mum told me 'i suck at being a guy'. Apparantly, i'm just not masculine enough to cut it and all transmen and quite a few women are more manly than me. To be fair to my mum, she was drunk, but thats most of the time. I inherited her alcohol dependancy clearly. Anyway, she also clearly showed she had no idea of the difference between sexuality and gender ( i have explained it to her, many times) and thinks that i', not really trans, i just have 'psychological problems' or think that my dad is a 'role model' ( of course, she is completely forgetting my sister was raised by Dad as well, and is completely normal).

Now, i am the first person to admit i am not the most manly guy and never will be. It does not help that im actually very pretty. So, you see my dillema. I can see a bit more clearly now why so many transguys obsess over passing. Now, I am NOT picking at those of you who want to behave in a traditionally masculine manner. It's just really not me. I tried to be a traditonal guy, but while it was better than being a girl by a long shot, i still didn't feel right. I decided at some point that i did not just escape from one box to jump into another and close the lid. So i just started being me in all my camp glory. However, i feel happy about myself, but the rest of the world thinks im a complete freak. I've had numerous conversations with transguys about this and the message that seems to be coming through is, there is sacrifice involved in becomming a man and being accepted into that society. I just struggle to deal with the fact that in order to be accepted by anybody, i have to give up so many things that make me who i am. I know i have to be true to myself, but the sacrifice is that i have to give up nearly all chance of understanding or acceptance. It's all well and good as long as they never find out i'm trans. Because in wider society the idea of a guy in a girls body not being like Sylvester Stallone is too much to for them to get their tiny little minds around. I wish someday that the definition of man or even transman had space for me *sigh*

The thing that makes it all the worse is that i can't even get near a gender clinic. I can not stand this body, it makes me physically ill. Since im a teenager it just gets worse everyday. I'm on a race against the clock to try and stop things in their tracks, and the only way to do that is to get some T or at least some blockers. I know i'm old enough to at least get the blockers if not the T, as long as i pay money. Which me and my family do not have. Now i've been told that taking T will not give me what i dont already have, which may be true on one level; but on another level it will give me the missing bit of my life, respect as a human being. Maybe even respect for something i've accomplished other than being a mutant. Furthermore, it will make me a happier person and a more constructive one. Right now, i am not a person anyone wants to be around. My parents can't stand me. Heck, i cant stand me. Also, so much as i need to operate in a world with people, it would make things a hell of a lot easier if they were not confused by me. People are intent on putting me in a box anyway, it may as well be the right one. No, it is not fair, but thats the way the world works. As it stands now, i can't even find a job simply because of my appearance. I am upset so much by all this, i am physically vomiting. I am tired, and i dont want to fight anymore. I've been doing that so long now, and i just a respite, though it may be cowardly. Maybe, one day i'll fight again, but now is not that time.

This has been, for once, my true thoughts and impressions. I actually feel a little better now, just kind of numb. I apolgise if anything said in here was offensive etc, but it was written in a moment of deep distress and so i did not take the time to be PC. That's all i have to say really, and any advice or comments are appreciated.

~Sam

[Guest Little Sara]

To top it all off my Mum told me 'i suck at being a guy'. Apparantly, i'm just not masculine enough to cut it and all transmen and quite a few women are more manly than me.

Yeah, I feel you there...just got to love parents thinking they know *everything* there is about the world, or heck, the first thing there is about being trans - that it's NOT about gender roles. You can be a femmy guy and still be a guy, that doesn't change it. It's your subconscious sex that matters, the deep-knowledge of being male or female.

Heck, I've known a FtM who dressed drag queen-like because it made him pass (as weird as that may sound). That didn't make him 'really a girl'.

I hope things get better for you. If there's any sort of LGBT org at your college, it might be a good idea to contact them to get help in dealing with all this. Maybe they can get the administration involved so people give you a break (if only in the name of the right to privacy). Seeing a counselor or therapist might also be a good idea as you seem overwhelmed by stress, reading this post.

[Guest Zabrak]

Hey, I'm not sure what help I can offer on this. Long ago I secluded myself to my room and became a nerd. I have no friends in real life rather then the few who live far away from me and my school is private. I have few convos with those people in school. Everyone who loves me and keeps in contact with me are online. It seems easier to reach out for help across the world then to the people right beside you. Maybe this was a good choice to post here.

All I can do is say when I read your post I could see the pain you're facing and understand it. Though, all I can offer you is to be here on the forum, make some friends online and open yourself up to some of us and let us be your shoulder to lean on. When you get older and out of school...perhaps you will find a more accepting group of people but right now doesn't seem the time. You could also try the chat room as its more instant then here.

You could always press the school to get these people get off your back because this is called harassment, but that doesn't always work. Its up to you to see if you think it'd be worth it. Maybe you could make a notebook of peoples names who are doing things to you and if they keep this up for too long then press charges againts them. I know that sounds extreme but thats incase this gets to a extreme point.

I wish the best of luck to you and hope you find some kind of peace.

[Guest Linus Thomas]

Charles, totally sympathize and understand. Try not to let all of this overwhelm you.

As someone who is transitioning late in life (I'm 39 and started transitioning last summer) and in full view of work, I can appreciate some of what you're going through. But remember one thing: this is all about you and only you. Other people may have issue with it but that is, ultimately, their problem that they will have to address, with you in your life or without you.

Your mom is assuming that man = macho, which isn't true. There are some very feminine men out there. I wish you could come to NYC to the support group that I'm a part of. In my support group there are at least 5 guys I can think of that are feminine, are guys and are proud of both. Whether you present as a man, a woman or neither, fitting into society's little round hole with your square peg isn't you. I can tell you that as someone who has done that for 38 years --- and it nearly killed me. If they are your true friends, they aren't going to focus on how you present -- there going to focus on the actions you do. It sounds like many of those around you are rather "immature" and more interested in the shallow gender presentations of life than life itself.

T isn't the be-all, end-all solution. But I will say this: because of T, I like my body (save for the need for surgery still). And that has been a profound thing for me. I would suggest, however, that you may want to see about finding a gender therapist in your area (if there is one). It sounds like there is a lot more going on than just this and perhaps having someone who's not invested in your life can provide a better sounding board.

Anyways, at the very least you'll always have a home here and an extended family to lean on. Embrace the "freak" you are and smile about how wonderful life is becoming. It will come at the right time, right place. Just got to have patience.

[Guest leo]

the night must get darker before there is a sunrise

things will only get better believe me, or the worst is yet to come, but i doubt that

atm for me im living a double life like some secret agent because of my family, and i had to present as female to get a job so im pretty much present as female 70% of the time which i totally hate, but i also know from september will be more like me being the real me Leo 99% of the time i hope

im sorry for your heart ache and hope things get better for you

[Guest Jackson]

I'm not sure how liberal your country is since I've never been there, but it sounds like everyone is a little closed-minded. You and your private life is no one's business but your own. I know that it's difficult right now. I wouldn't take anything your mother says to heart considering that she says it while intoxicated. Even when she's not, I still wouldn't take it to heart. I don't know if you do have much money, but I do remember seeing that there is a gender therapy link until the Transgender Links on Laura's website for a service in the UK that provides online therapy.

It took me almost all my life (all 37 years of it) to finally get to the point that I really don't give a darn what people think. Now I'm not saying that there aren't times when I am down or feel like an outcast. But I try to keep reminding myself that ultimately that the most important thing is my happiness and sanity. I need to do this. So I just try to say 'screw it' and just go ahead and do what I want.

Don't worry about being PC. At times like this, don't worry. Take care.

[Guest Martin]

First off, I want to commend you on your courage for posting here. I know how hard it can be to be honest about your emotions - especially fear. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time and have to deal with so many jerks. I hope things get better soon.

T isn't a cure all, but it can help off-set feminine traits. Androgynous clothing looks masculine on someone who is clearly male and the same goes for many other things. It's awesome that you're trying to be true to yourself. For me - let me repeat, FOR ME - there had to be a balance between being recognized as my true gender and expressing all of my other traits and likes. I eventually cut my hair because I got sick of being called "she," but I found a more "masculine" hair cut I actually like. If T had done more to give me masculine features, I probably would have kept it long. I still play flute, squee over cute animals, and am polite/not intimidating when I talk to people. I just also show more "masculine" aspects. The further I've gone with transitioning, the more this works out for me. I look and act like a somewhat androgynous guy which fits my own gender identity. Depending on how feminine you are, you might find the same true for you. Just make sure you're okay with each compromise in either direction. No matter what your gender, there's people out there who are like you and people who will like you.

Is there any way to transfer to somewhere nearer to a gender clinic (assuming you need one to transition)? If so, you could get away from your past and start working on your future. Otherwise, you may want to find a therapist who is at least accepting of trans issues. You can always call and ask. Seeing someone might help you get a handle on your drinking and help you diffuse the immense stress you're under.

*hugs* if you want them

[Guest MrAwesome]

okay #1- you can get hormone blockers at 11 in some areas... T at 16 with parental consent, and then 18 on your own.

#2 - I understand how you feel about the "pretty" thing. When I was in 5th grade the teachers thought I had mental health issues, and I was always being complimented on my complexion, and my eyes, and my voice they just always were telling me about that. and my face is chubby, which is more feminine. I was told the other day that the rest of me looks like a guy but my face doesn't . so yeah totally understand how you feel.

#3 - There's a lot of guys that aren't really the definition of masculine, there's Goth, and Emo, and there's guys like musicians and stuff, and in general people more Artistic and intellectual than masculine and stuff. You don't HAVE to be the picture of masculinity. You just have to find other guys out there that are like you, with the same interests. I don't really know ANYTHING about you, I'm sure you fit in some were. The only thing is that being trans, it's kinda harder to not be totally masculine. Cause it's kinda like we have to prove we're not "Lesbians", or "Tomboys" (wells this is my opinion anyway)

#4 - the best advice I could probably offer at the moment, is bind, maybe pack , keep your hair short, no bangs. Walk with your head up high, with confidence, shoulders back. (basic stuff) Find a therapist, a therapist can probably also give you information on providers in your area that can be in charge of your T, make sure you have money saved up. And I'm not sure how much stuff you know really, but try to expand your interests a little bit, and in general try new stuff gain new knowledge. Maybe you can get involved in some activities and meet some people like you. It's only a sacrifice of time.

~ hope this helps... Mr.Awesome

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Wow - hard for you right now! I see the guys are to the rescue already - and I would really like to have you keep in touch with us here - PLEASE - PLEASE - PLEASE???. I suspect you need some support BIG TIME right now. This is the best place on earth for you right now.

YOU AREN'T A FREAK! YOU AREN'T A FREAK! YOU AREN'T A FREAK!

Lizzy

[Guest amie]

Sometimes I still do. I'm not gonna lie. It's hard bein' a Birl.

That's what I feel like sometimes, a Birl. I'm so much a girl inside yet still have some boy things about me.

What makes my dealio a bit harder, or so it seems based on most I read and hear, is that not only am I a girl inside, I'm an atypical tomboy like girl.

Crazy, huh?

I'm complaining less and less each day though, it seems.

I got my sweet stuff and I have my tough stuff. I'm just thankful the sweet stuff outweighes the other. Stop laughing! Kidding. Ha!

From what I read, you are far from a freak, Charles. Keep your chin up.

[Sally]

Please try to take this seriously because I mean this.

You are not a freak - everyone else is!

By that I mean you are and should be the center of your world - that's the way people are.

Imagine that you are an alien exploring a new planet - you have six arms and eight legs and to you this is normal, along with eyes in the back of your head. You land on a backward planet with 'bi-pedal, ape descendants who think digital watches are a cool idea' (a tribute to Douglas Adams) to you they are freaks! You report back as such - this backward and underdeveloped species is missing four arms, six legs and the rear view eyes.

They see you and scream because you have too many arms, legs and eyes.

Much like beauty it is in the eye of the beholder.

Don't let anyone with only matching sex and gender make you feel like a freak they don't have that power if you don't let them!

They are the freaks!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest CharlesMonroe]

First of all, i would like to thank everyone for their supportive replies. It has made me feel a lot better

Believe me when i say if their was anyone, a GLBT group or even a therapist existing in my area that would be willing to support me as a transsexual person i would be there. I note that a lot of you are posting from Canada, a very liberal country in all regards. My brother is canadian and is suprised at the lack of human rights on the Isle of Man. The fact of the matter is that up untill about 3 years ago there was NUMEROUS anti gay leglisation in government, including laws preventing PDA between gay couples and forbidding it from being discussed in schools or other public areas. After immense public pressure (and threats)

from the EU they are now changing their policies, including laws regarding trans rights. However, take a look at this lovely little article here:

http://www.iomtoday.co.im/news/Houghton-ca...over.4972533.jp

Now, on the upside they are bringing in laws and most of the emails have been positive (although i can't say the same for the local papers). However, this guy is a complete cup cake and should be deposed swiftly. I am starting a letter writing campaign and petition with my father (who is more supportive).

Despite, what the other FTM says in his interview ( i would really love to meet some trans people here, and have tried, but they are all deep stealth, for obvious reasons) i have encountered discrimantion from the psychiatric/medical community; not just on the grounds of being transsexual, but having a disabilty as well! Currently, i am going it alone without the support of the medical community here on the island, and reffering myself to the best transgender clinic in London, where i am more likely to get a fair review. The clinic is run by a transman who is obviously very open regarding gender identity/expression. The other clinic you have to wait on at least a five year waiting list and turn up with your cisgender girlfriend to get a look in, especially considering my age. I was, in fact, so disgusted by the handling of my case by the local psychiatric department, that i am reluctant to seek medical help on any issue, in fear that my identity will be taken away from me again. I definately fall withing the margin of those who will simply die without transition and i am not willing to take that risk with my life.

On the postive side, my college is liberal and i can count on them to take care of any bullying. At this stage, as it is all behind my back, i really dont have enough evidence to get the people taken care of. I am reasonably happy in my education at this time, after the hell i went through in my small town high school (bullying from students and teachers) this is a huge improvement, the staff are so wonderful.

I had a conversation with my Dad about the comments my Mum made. He says it is quite likely she may never really accept my identity. He thinks that she feels she failed to socialise me properly as a Mum because she is always working. I have tried to explain to her that my condition iswholly biological and that for me man does not equal macho. I;m thinking of sending her some websites and maybe getting her to talk to some people on the boards here. I dont know if it will help or just upset her more. My Dad thinks it also may be easier when i get on T, as she will be able to see the difference. That really is not making my wait any easier, although my parents say they are going to try anf help me get to London by the end of March.

I apologise if this is a crazy long rant lol. Thanks for listening guys, i'll check in and let you know how it all goes.

[Guest Evan_J]

As was said, I also am glad you did have the courage to post. Keeping yourself attached even in emotions to your allies and support systems is always helpful and healing.

Also, I'm glad that you realize a lot of what you are experiencing is location-based. Canada is very liberal. Even in comparison to the U.S. In some places "especially" in comparison to the U.S. Where I live -the midwest of the U.S.- (know that the term "midwest" in relationship to the United States tells you "provincial, traditional, conservative") I can imagine you having exactly the same experience you're having where you are. So my take is going to be from that kind of locale. a) Be glad your school is supportive. Know where the help is there in the event you ever need it. ie which members of the administration will respond most strongly in your favor. b ) While (I admit) my first thoughts where "if your brother is in Canada why not think of relocating?" I also applaud your actions geared at changing where you are instead. Perhaps its "time" for change to come to the Isle of Man. c) For your own sense of confidence, please know that if you've been being accepted prior to those old schoolmates arriving as male at the new school you make a perfectly fine male as far as public acceptance as such. Screw what your mother says and forget it. She's an angry alchoholic who's unhappy with her own life -even angry at how she feels she performed as a mother- and bent on taking someone else with her. d)While we are entitled to all define "being a woman" and "being a man" for ourselves (and you'd better not loose what your definitons of yourself are if you have any hope of surviving the world) none of us are going to get 6,706,993,152 (thats the last world population count) people to "roll over" to "the transitioning persons" definitions of what is male and what is female (a physiological state more or less) because "we say so" or "it alleviates our dysphoria" or because "its the right thing" or any other reason than a widespread, scientifically irrefutable, statement made by the medical community outlining the new "sex determinants" and acknowledged by the major religions of the world. -Sorry, but thats darn near what you're gonna need. Or you'll always find one bumhole caught up on what his neighborhood taught him as a kid, his minister taught him in sunday school, or his mother taught him as she whipped his behind for wearing sisters underslip, who wants to try to tell you what someone else is. For that reason, whether you choose to "partake" of them or not, there will be certain "cues" read as "member of the male species" vs "member of the female species. And there's a big difference between "selling out" and faking mannerisms and beliefs you don't have (the ultra macho thing) and recognizing that those cues are generally accepted. When genetic girls become cisgendered women, along the way they learn what "the cues of woman are". They get to decide whether to embrace them or reject them. But they always "know what they are". So too it is with men I would speculate. Then so too must it be with transmen. Yes you can choose what you "don't want to do" but you have to learn what those things are first because like as not it gives you a "foundation" that still gets picked up as "male". And the acceptance without conflict just makes life easier to live. Unfortunately, we do not have that "third box" for anybody to check between male and female. The options then for anyone become "move to the more liberal place" but be limited to places like that, "learn to live in that two boxed world" understanding that while you can choose to be outside it that still is the system or "live in the two boxed world fighting every second for the third box to exist and be accepted". I'm supportive but I'm also pragmatic. Know what your real options are.

I am VERY glad that you found that clinic in London. I think you should check it out. Especially if its run by a transdude. For some reason I like the idea of being helped by someone who actually knows what these shoes can feel like. No matter how helpful or accepting a professional is I always know deep down that they're just "speculating" on how I feel and what this is all about for me, y'know?

Anyway, last thing I wanna say (cause its turning into a litany) is "you are not a freak". I almost want to "laugh" at the end, because the idea that you are is almost laughable; how is a human being a "freak" for not satisfying another persons desires for them over their own?

Anyway, I hope we see you around. And I didn't miss the part where you were drinking. It never "makes it go away" and you can apply that to any situation in your life you can come up with. Don't b.s. yourself with "I inherited it" alibies. You sound smarter.

Gah, I really better end this or it'll be the next great american novel We'll save it for the alchohol abuse thread.

Your friend in another close minded locale,

Ev

[Guest MikeTravis]

I have kind of the same problem in that I'm starting to feel more like a freak..My parents see all transpeople as confused and say that none are "well adjusted or happy" and they just want me to be an "educated lesbian." Yesterday I had it with alot of things going on in my life, so I used a tip that i think I got from "Hello Cruel World" by Kate Bornstein. I took a marker and wrote all over myself. I crossed out those really depressing and disturbing things (in my opinion) and wrote lots of things. Then I took a pencil (not sharp although I had to file it several times with a nail filer) and I drew in facial hair and took pics. Just today in fact, I was talking to my most supportive friend. She tells me that she thinks I'm a guy no matter what anyone says and calls me "sir". She's really cool; then I said "you don't really wanna see the pics, do you?" and she said no..she did notttttt. At that point I felt like a huge freak because I know if I was a bio-guy and she knew it, it would be funny, but now I went and did something really queer or freaky or whatever. I think I look KIND OF good in the pics but I don't know. I'm tired of being in-between or cast out or whatever the heck I am..

[Guest leo]

mike everyone goes through this,

i did and still am but its getting clearer what i want

no one is a freak! or a loser or anything like that

[Sally]

This rant is to Charles and Mike and anyone else who thinks that they are freaks,

I understand how you feel and having doe something that has made an awkward situation with your supportive friend underlines that point, the problem that drove you to that point was and still is controlable by you.

If you allow others to dictate normalacy to you then you must change how you perseve yourself with each person that you talk to - the word normal should be stricken from our language - there is no such thing as a normal person.

Everyone no matter how 'normal' they are seen by others have something about them that is abnormal to somebody.

You are normal for you, and that is all that really matters!

If you walk around thinking that you are a freak, then others will pickup on the 'something is wrong with me vibe', mush like animals we can sense some emotions and feelings - we just aren't as good at identifying them.

Think of who you are on the inside, that nice caring and sensitive man - those are all good qualities, you are a good person, either male or female, a good person and that is waht really matters isn't it?

You are a man, because you know you are, remember that and be proud of who you are don't walk around in 'full applogy mood' and no one will think anything odd about you.

Be confident and it will free you from these feelings, you must love yourself before anyone else can love you.

If you think you are a freak, you will be one - I chose not to, so I am not a freak I am a wonderful lady with a heart of gold who just happens to be in appearence male so I am fixing that little problem and getting on with my life, the one that I deserve - don't you deserve to live your life as the man that you know you are?

You have to get your mind straight and if it means ignoring most of what others say - do it, they haven't studied anything about this so why yield to ignorance?

Time to put my soapbox away again.

I love you, isn't it time that you gave yourself a chance and loved uourself too?

Sally