Threw away 12 days

[Guest Kaylee234]

So I made it 12 days without a drink.

Yesterday was a pretty good day, all things considered. I did a little shopping even though I'm pretty broke (didn't really buy much though.) I filed my petition for name change at the county courthouse. Should find out in "a week to 10 days" whether that goes through or not. I gave a school I'm interested in some information. Unfortunately I won't be able to start classes until next year I think, since I have to go to group therapy every week for substance abuse.

But then I went to a friend's house; we go for a walk/jog 2-3 times a week. Lately she's been giving me a vibe that she doesn't really want me there. And yesterday was the second time in a row that she hardly said two words to me. So when we were done with our walk I just left without saying anything. I just got in my car and drove away.

And that really ruined my day. I can't think of any reason I deserve a cold shoulder from her.

So I dealt with it the way I deal with every problem in my life. I made it go away by getting drunk.

I considered trying chat, or calling one of the people from my AA meetings, but in the end I just said screw that and went to the bar. I guess I still have a hard time reaching out for help. I feel like I should be able to deal with this myself.

I really feel like a failure this morning.

~ Kay

[MaryEllen]

No, You're not a failure, Kay. A relapse does not mean you have failed. So, you stumbled. Pick yourself up and continue on the sobriety path. You can do it, We have faith in you as do you.

MaryEllen

[Guest KimberlyF]

I am not a drinker, but I have had food issues all of my life.

Some of the thinking is the same. Once one has a bad day eating it's like all the hard work is over. That is NOT true.

You have 12 days without a drink where you could have been drinking. You understand that it didn't fix anything and it wasn't your best decision. Your choice is to figure you blew it and give up/give in or realize we're all weak and start again today and see your growth from where you were two weeks ago. And use your support!

And your friend could be going through issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

[VickySGV]

This is Saturday by my clock, so see you tomorrow in chat where we speak that language. The one statement you make that says it all is-----

I guess I still have a hard time reaching out for help. I feel like I should be able to deal with this myself.

I really feel like a failure this morning.

~ Kay

One of the major points you will get from AA is that we alcoholics are DIFFERENT from other people who can use alcohol and not be affected by it, and who can quit drinking without help. For us it is not a failure to admit our helplessness over an enemy that is stronger than we are, and wants our lives to be havoc and hell. The whole point of recovery is to recognize our true strength in the companionship of others who share our difference, and take pride in being with each other.

The Playground here does that for our GD. AA and even your addiction therapy group do that for your alcohol addiction.

I had 16 years of recovery at one point and began using again. I had forgotten, or actually wanted to deny that I was DIFFERENT from other people, but that time, not only alcohol, but I added in GD, I did not want to be DIFFERENT, but I cannot be anything different from what I am. I had to get out of both the clothes closet and the wine closet.

You did not "throw away twelve days" in any meaning of the words, you lived twelve days with a life that is indeed worthwhile. Think of them as something valuable, and indeed they were. You at most did a few hours of damage to your life. AA and recovery are not a thing of failures, they are a series of triumphs over and enemy we will have for life.

[Charlize]

Kaylee you are far from a failure. Many of us struggle especially at the beginning of sobriety. Don't forget you are not even through the physical aspect of addiction. In the beginning of the big book is a chapter called the Doctor's Opinion. It starts on page xxv (25) in the preface. We suffer from a hopeless often fatal disease. Please read that and remember not to blame yourself for being sick. We have a choice but that choice includes the knowledge that we are powerless over alcohol. We cannot do this through self will. The program creates miracles of recovery. We can only do it by working with others both to help and to be helped. Please reach out next time for another person in the program instead of a drink. You help both yourself and another each time you do that. By working together we solve our common problem. I was certainly a case of self will run riot. With the help of the program i've managed to get some time. I try to keep that by going to meetings and reaching out to others.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Kay,

I am not a drinker nor have I ever been. I consider myself VERY LUCKY.

Just because you had a relapse, doesn't mean you are a FAILURE.

Start over Tomorrow. Be STRONG. Set realistic goals. Take one step or day at a time.

Aim towards your first 30 days without a drink.

You are trying to change BAD habits that you had for a long time.

DON'T let friends who you feel NO LONGER accept you get you DOWN an give you an excuse to drink.

It is THEIR lose, they left you, NOT yours. They lost a GOOD friend.

The world is FULL of people who WILL ACCEPT you and LOVE you for who you REALLY are.

When I Came-Out and started Transitioning in 2007, I lost my ENTIRE family.

It was hard to ACCEPT.

TODAY, I COULDN'T be HAPPIER. I have since made many TRUE FRIENDS who accept me for who I am.

Keep us posted on your progress even if it is daily.

ALL the members and staff here ARE SUPPORTING YOU.

Hopefully, Knowing all the support you have here will make it EASIER for you to STAY SOBER.

Hugs,

Carla

[Michelle 2010]

Honey, you did what alcoholics do.... Now simply do what the winners do: dust yourself off, put on a fresh coat of lipstick, and start again... There is a saying... You never need to feel like this again; you never need be alone again..... Go to a meeting. People really do understand. see you tonight maybe?

ODAAT

Michelle

[Guest Kaylee234]

Thank you everyone.

I've really been beating myself up about this, but you're right. I got myself back together, did a little retail therapy, and made it to my meeting last night. I picked up my white chip and told them I wanted to officially join the group. I still don't have a sponsor, though.

I had a blonde moment when, after asking for and being given a copy of the big book, I left it in the room when we all left to have dinner together. I suppose next week I can sheepishly ask for another copy lol

~ Kay

[Guest Kalie Aowynn]

No, You're not a failure, Kay. A relapse does not mean you have failed. So, you stumbled. Pick yourself up and continue on the sobriety path. You can do it, We have faith in you as do you.

MaryEllen

I agree with MaryEllen,

You have stumbled and now you need to pick yourself up and dust off and move forward. Hun it is a difficult road you are on. Gather your strength and faith and the rest of us. Some of us have either been there or on the other side of the fence love. Kisses

[Guest Kaylee234]

Today makes 6 days I've been sober. I'm halfway back to where I was, which makes me happy. Overall, it's been a good week for me. Maybe this weekend will be good too

~ Kay

[Charlize]

Kay, it will be what you make of it. I'll be going to meetings on all 3 nights. I love them all and have developed friends at each. They would miss me and i them so i make it regardless of how i feel. 6 days is great and each day you get another. i'm certainly grateful for each that comes to me. They are so much better sober! See you Sunday i hope.

Hugs and love,

Charlie

[Michelle 2010]

I was at a Salvation Army meeting yesterday morning and was the speaker at a women's prision meeting last night. The prison ladies were far happier than the Sali folks... The Sali people were days and weeks sober, and the prison girls were months and years.... Things will get better if you attend meetings regularly, get a sponsor and work the steps. Many of the prison ladies were Happy, Joyous and Free, as described in the Big Book. They had what I want. A sparkle in the eyes and a sincere laughter from the belly and the heart. They were laughing with people not at them

Its worth doing what you are doing Kay, not only to avoid future problems with health, money, laws, etc; but also its worth it because of what awaits you as a gift of sobriety....

Best wishes

Michelle

[Guest]

You're not a failure Kay.

You got right back on to the horse again.

You're already halfway to your previous point.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Congratulations Kay,

Keep up the good work. I can't wait until you make 30 days.

Take one day at a time and stay healthy.

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Kaylee234]

Just checking in here. Today, I am 14 days sober. Feeling pretty good about that

~ Kay

[MaryEllen]

You're doing good, Kay. Stay the course. You'll make it.

MartEllen

[Guest]

Steady as it goes, Kay.

You're doin' great.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Congratulations Kay,

Almost half way to 30 and already past your last stumble.

Take one day at a time and enjoy every day to the Fullest.

Keep up the good work.

We ALL Support and Love YOU.

Hugs,

Carla

[Charlize]

You are doing it. The white knuckles will soon begin to loosen bit by bit.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Kaylee234]

Thanks everyone

I made it past a big hurdle this afternoon. See, I've always been fascinated by the fermentation of wine. The biochemical process and, of course, the finished product. I've had a batch of French Sangiovese chugging away in my kitchen for a few months now... it's been the pink elephant in the room. Just waiting to get bottled. Every now and then I'd think about what I should do with it.

This afternoon, I poured it down my kitchen sink.

That's right. Six gallons of homebrewed French Sangiovese. Down the drain. It smelled absolutely wonderful, like purple liquid ambrosia. Part of my brain whispered to me that I should at least taste it before I got rid of it all. I had to actually keep telling myself out loud that I was not going to drink any of it.

That's a load off my shoulders. Now I can honestly say that there's not a drop of alcohol in my house.

~ Kay

[Michelle 2010]

I think you engaged in healthy decision making Kay

Michelle

[Charlize]

Kay that must have hurt!!!! I finally did much the same about 6 1/2 years ago by pouring a half liter of vodka out of my studio window. I was such a cheap scape and had never done such a "rash" act before. I came to believe that was one of the most important moments of my life. I was given "a new freedom and new happiness". My act was not of such a poetic material but it was just as much a life sentence of pain to an addict like me.

You are putting some time together and certainly are to be congratulated. That's how i managed so far. One day at a time. Now the call of the bottle has lessened. It still wants me though and pretends it has a wish to grant which is only an illusion but seems so real. I am grateful for this day and the program that has been there to help.

Hugs,

Charlie