Double Personality?

[Guest Karen Kay]

I apologize if this is the wrong forum for this question, but I didn't see anything better.

After going to counseling for the better part of 4 months now, different questions are replacing a few answers that I've figured out. I still have another week to go before the next session, but I was curious if anyone else out there has gone through this.

I would describe life at home with the wife to be 'understanding'... with small flashes of acceptance, which always seem to be balanced by small flashes of un-acceptance. Generally, as long as Karen isn't around the house for two days in a row, things are quite OK at home. So far, I'm quite OK with limiting myself; there are plenty of other self-improvement things I could work on.

Getting to the point of the post however.. is the topic of weather it's beneficial in the long run to think of myself as two different persona (male/female) and be called by two different names. This was the standard for many years in the house, which worked well when I was only dressing when the wife wasn't at home, or with getting permission ahead of time so she could prepare herself. But now that things are a little more open and understanding, I think this double persona way of thinking isn't really 'correct' (I couldn't think of a better word).

I haven't really had the chance to flush out the pros/cons of trying to explain that there's just one 'me'. I thought I'd check here to see if there are opinions.

[Guest Kelly Ann]

This can be perplexing. Sometimes initials can be combined...I knew a lady years ago whose sister called her KK, then there's KK Downing of Judas Priest...so that might be a possibility. K is pronounced the same as Kay so it could even serve a double duty, a signature could look good and be simple too Hope this points you in the right direction...isn't the purpose of coming out being more open mainly to resolve conflicting issues of one sort or another? Kelly Ann

[Guest Laura1977]

I seem to be having a similar problem. When I first started dressing a month and a half ago, My wife told me that my entire personality changed, though I didn't really feel different, just ... freer, somehow, and less afraid. Anyway, after a couple of weeks, we had a mini-confrontation about it (the day that the moustache and goatee went the way of the mammoth), and I sort of split myself so that she could have her husband back, but I could still be Laura sometimes. I think that in the absence of other solutions, it's a workable situation, but I don't really feel that it's ideal yet.

I know exactly what you mean by flashes of acceptance interspersed with flashes of unacceptance. I guess we take a lot of getting used to.

One thing that I have tried to do, is that when I feel like Laura (and I don't necessarily need to be dressed to feel that way), I put this black Scunci that I fell in love with on my wrist, so she knows what to expect. The problem is, lately, I don't really feel like being Nick that often. I have to almost force myself to be him.

Anyways, with all that being said, I would like to ask you, do you feel any different, like, inside, when you are 'being' Karen than when you're not? Just curious. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can only describe as "sweetness," and I feel almost lighter than air. That sensation is heightened by dressing up.

[Guest Laura1977]

One more quick word: I agree that the double persona thing isn't quite 'correct.' For me, anyway, it's just a metaphor for the two halves of me, and serves a purpose, but I hope I don't have to split myself in half forever. That would be sad.

[Guest jaime_lynn]

I understand how you feel, and the issues that it can cause. I found a great descriptor the other day, one that seems to suit me better (and makes my SO feel much more comfortable). The word is bigendered.

According to Wikipedia - Bigender (bi+gender) is a tendency to move between feminine and masculine gender-typed behaviour depending on context, expressing a distinctly "en femme" persona and a distinctly "en homme" persona, feminine and masculine respectively.

I have found a balance that works in our relationship that allows me the comfort of being both - I underdress daily (no more male undergarments) with undies and a bra. I wear a beautiful ring on my right hand and a gorgeous necklace around my neck. I have found that these simple things help me find that inner balance and peace daily.

On days when I can, Jaime Lynn comes out in full and the outer clothing represents that. On those days when she's not able to due to work or family obligations, I still have those little things.

Best Wishes and Hugs!

Jaime Lynn

[Guest Karen Kay]

One thing that I have tried to do, is that when I feel like Laura (and I don't necessarily need to be dressed to feel that way), I put this black Scunci that I fell in love with on my wrist, so she knows what to expect. The problem is, lately, I don't really feel like being Nick that often. I have to almost force myself to be him.

Anyways, with all that being said, I would like to ask you, do you feel any different, like, inside, when you are 'being' Karen than when you're not? Just curious. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can only describe as "sweetness," and I feel almost lighter than air. That sensation is heightened by dressing up.

One more quick word: I agree that the double persona thing isn't quite 'correct.' For me, anyway, it's just a metaphor for the two halves of me, and serves a purpose, but I hope I don't have to split myself in half forever. That would be sad.

A few years back, I found out the hard way that she's not ready for a complete Karen. So I've learned not to allow myself to get too much into Karen, unless she's away on business or the like.

But to answer your question, about 'being' Karen.. the answer is 'sometimes'. Usually I get those feelings, similar to you, when the confidence is higher then normal, or there's been a period of accepting at home. I have this fear that growth on this topic has probably be stunted by the wavering support at home.

And your last work, was the point of the post. I don't think splitting myself in half forever is the answer either, but up until now, it's been the best way to talk/handle things. I guess I was looking for ideas on how to transition away from that line of thought.

Thanks for the reply

[Guest Irielle]

Hi Karen, I have dealt with that split personality thing, too.

I'm androgyne and my genders are about 75% female/25% male. I suppose the term bigendered is a way to think about it but it's not how I feel. I don't feel either masculine or feminine but I am in between and have both.

I float around inside this big gender cloud. Sometimes I feel more masculine; more often I feel more feminine. It changes a lot, even from moment to moment.

The terms masculine and feminine don't do it justice it but it's the best I can do to explain what's going on. It's hard to use bigendered terminolgy to describe a third gender. The terms masculine and feminine don't really feel to my as if they even apply. I feel like I"m talking about apples and oranges in order to describe what a banana is.

But I make it a point to tell my boyfriend how I am feeling gender-wise and I use the terms boy and girl. "I'm more of a girl today", I"ll tell him. Or "Right now I'm more of a boy". It sounds like Laura uses her black Scunci to do the same thing.

I always wear both boy's and girl's clothes at the same time, so the way I'm dressed isn't necessarily a tip off as to how I feel at any particular time.

It took me a while to figure all this out because I was stuck in the two-gendered way of thinking. That is what kept me feeling split in half. I don't feel that way anymore.

Jamie Lynn has a good post, I like her way of thinking. It's the way I started when I was trying to figure myself out.

I still haven't figured out the name thing. My family nickname is both male and female and there's a good gender neutral diminutive of my given (male) name so I'll probably just keep using those.

Take your time, don't try and rush things. We know who we are inside and we know we are one person but it's hard for people who are not TG to understand. I think using the split personality description can be a tool to help others understand us. But we know there is much more to it than that.