Facing the Sexism of Cis Women

[Guest tsubasa]

Hi All,

I had wanted to transition before going back to school, but fate didn't have that in store for me. I've waited too long, and now it's time for me to go back to school.

I was hoping to transition, not only just because I'm a woman and it's irritating having to present as a man at work, /even when strangers routinely gender me female, EVEN WHEN DRESSED AS A MAN!/ So, it's fairly irritating, but I do need a job to live. I'm not independently wealthy, and there is no other place for me to live if I were to allow my mortgage to enter foreclosure. I have no family, because religion is thicker than blood.

What family I do have of friends is no good either. I just lost $700 on what seemed to be a sure thing helping my long time friend-brother (I am attracted to men, but he is not, and my early attempts to transition when I was his girlfriend all completely blew up so don't get the wrong idea) relocate to a high paying job. It made sense. He's always paid me back, and he'd be making more than twice that PER WEEK. Maybe, I thought, he'd be able to offer me a place to crash and I could give transition another try and lose everything all over again. But nope.

So I'm going back to college, and here's the massive problem for me I hope to find either advice or encouragement for. I don't know that I'll find it.

I've been an alcoholic because of how much this and my other problems have bothered me. However, I think there is some *very* real wrong that's happened here, and I don't think alcohol is the correct solution.

Here's a brief history of my encounters with sexism, on the receiving end. I'm still waiting for my male privilege I was promised and paid the price for, and at this point, I'm demanding a refund. I'm angry. I'm very angry. And I have to face this if I want to go back to school and get out of my current computer career that is so steeped in sexism it's just... rediculous... rediculous, sad... heartbreaking. Except I am an individual, and I can no longer accept being blamed for the actions and words of others who are not me.

1.) My genitals were mutilated on the premise I would be attracted to and have sex with many women. None of this happened. I am NOT faulting women here for not being attracted to them. A lot of these things are things that *individuals* have done to me, *individuals* who happened to be women, who are apparently not accountable for those things because they were assigned that gender at birth (or not, I'm not omniscient and I don't make a habit of checking genitals like Crocodile Dundee).

2.) I was given no followup care, so I ended up developing intense pain and persistent, painful (If you think I'm joking, go punch yourself, because that's the kind of pain I'm talking about, not angst, go punch yourself and observe the sensation you feel afterwards, that kind of pain, this is no damned penis joke and I am sick of it being seen that way. Go punch yourself 20 times per day over and over again with no reprive and think that's *normal!* because everything appears normal on the outside, you hate everything else about being a boy, nobody even *told* you, not even your doctor before he gave you estrogen because of the other symptoms you presented with [female brain], that you had been given a cosmetic procedure against your will, without your consent, and you yourself are apparently so stupid [and when your genitals are mutilated we expect YOU to --Censored-- be an MD without even KNOWING you were mutilated] that you didn't realize that maybe never once having had a nocturnal emission due to waking up in pain and not even remembering the dream because of the pain might just be significant.

3.) So, yes, my genitals were mutilated on the premise I was a rapist, and it wasn't fun. But that's all been sorted out because I'm fine being impotent and having soft skin and breasts. However, according to feminism and a lot of cis women who are *individuals* that I have encountered believe this makes me a double-secret rapist. Once when we were remodeling the bathrooms at work, women had to use the men's room, and men were assigned to a bathroom in another location. You should have seen the looks of horror on their faces at the idea that a man might enter the men's room by mistake while it was being used by women. Other *individual* women have also communicated to me how horrifying and disgusting trans women are (of course they didn't know I was one--must be an advantage of being a double-secret rapist who is forced to work as a man). I haven't quite gotten the hang of a female voice yet, so these experiences all happened to me when presenting as male.

4.) My elementary school had several overtly sexist policies. Girls were allowed to do more things and weren't punished by official policy when they did something bad like stealing or becoming violent. Additionally, boys were punished as a group when one boy did something bad.

5.) My middle school had a sexist network administrator. I wanted to start a computer club, so she set me up, framed me, lied to me, and had my computer privileges revoked. I thought she was just a rotten person and resolved that I didn't even want access to their stupid computers, I knew how to use a paper card catalog, so they could shove it. Years later, however, I learned that the reason she had done that was because she didn't want the school's computer club being founded by a boy. It was front page news in the newspaper when a GIRL founded the FIRST (mine didn't count for jack apparently) computer club. Whoo hoo! Now we're being progressive! It must be those evil men who are keeping women out of computer careers, because all you need to do is be sexist and deny the opportunity to a the man who comes around 7 years before, frame him, send a clear message to any other boys who want a computer club, then eventually, you might find a girl who's interested. Now that's progress.

6.) In order to qualify for student loans, I was required to sign up for selective service. Girls are not required to do this. Because the powers that be have figured out that a volunteer army is more effective at waging unpopular wars, this is a minor item. I've only a few times in passing during my teenage years ever seriously worried about being drafted. Oh, for the record, I'm 5'5". Most women are taller than me and larger than me. So yes, it is sexist to presume that a 5'5" male with 0 testosterone in his body is a better combatant than a 6' woman with at least 50 ng/ml blood testosterone level, but we know the sexism here is that those born male are expendible.

7.) The first time I went to college, I was required to attend date rape training before I could attend classes on the premise that, again, because of the body part between my legs, I was a rapist. Girls were not required to attend. I still haven't figured out what's supposed to be so attractive about girls that I'd want to slip them a drug and have sex with their unconscious bodies. Really, writing that, it gives me the fscking creeps, but this is what I am supposed to be because of the body part between my legs, the one between my ears be damned. I am not an indviidual. I am "all men." I am accountable for the actions of others. I am punished with all boys when one boy does something naughty.

8.) If it was date rape training, it was rather poor training, because they didn't even tell me how to obtain alcohol before I turned 21, which is an important date rape drug. They didn't even tell me how to ever obtain other drugs, so very poor training all in all. I was left without even knowing where to get the things I'd need to exercise my training and have sex with an unconscious woman. (Of course I'm being sarcastic.) So, instead, we can see it as an act of sexism I was on the receiving end of.

9.) When I got an internship, I was required to attend sexual harassment training on the premise that because of the body part between my legs, for some reason I'd be motivated to be dirty jokes and touch women. I really don't understand why I would want to do those things. The only two times I even got close to being intimate with a woman this complete and utter revulsion went through me, and I was unable to recriprocate.

10.) Now perhaps this one is because we do not give sexual harassment training to women. Throughout the years I have been sexually harassed in *every* way I was trained I was supposed to do it except physical touch. But I don't know, maybe I've even been sexually harassed that way on the job but I just never noticed because I like hugs. I have never once initiated a hug, because I would not want to be accused and reprimanded for sexual harassment. However, I've learned over the years that pulling away from somebody who wants to hug you because you're afraid of a sexual harassment charge is generally considered rude, and that it really is ok to accept a hug. When I accept a hug, the women hugging me always makes sure to loudly proclaim how much I must hate hugs because I'm a man. I'm not even allowed to enjoy things I enjoy. Of course, if I were to state I were a man who enjoyed hugs, you'd assume I was getting a hard on. Please go back to my items about circumcision. That is physically painful for me. I just had a discission with an internet friend who's taking these male enhancement pills, and I realized I have absolutely no idea what men enjoy about that, perhaps because my brain is physically female, but also perhaps because it's ok to rape and violate the bodies of male infants in a way that might backfire and cause the problems (EXCRUTIATING *PHYSICAL* PAIN for at least 8 years during my male adolesence, painful abuse and torture I did nothing to deserve and could not get away from because it was MY OWN BODY) I've reported.

11.) On top of it all, I currently work with a number of sexist women who believe that women are not able to program computers, and that the only reason I can program a computer was because I was assigned the male gender at birth. In fact, we have a female applicant for another programming position that's opening up, yet these women are just so utterly sexist. And yet, when this applicant is denied because of sexism on that part of individuals who were assigned the female gender at birth, I will be held accountable for it by a small subset of feminist women who work there because of the gender I was assigned at birth. I am not an individual. I am accountable for the acts of others.

12.) In 2012, right in the smack dab middle of cis women going nuts about "my body, my choice" and Romney/Obama care and how being denied free birth control and actually having to pay for it is somehow a violation of their bodies, 3 women at the American Academy of Pediatrics said that all the physical pain I suffered because my circumcision went wrong isn't something that actually happened, circumcision has no complications, and that all those born male should be circumcised as infants without their consent. Then, every news agency put forward a female reporter to report that men should be circumcised. I have no right to "my body, my choice." I am not an individual. I am accountable for the actions of others. Others own my body, and I have no right to my own body.

Now, the thing that does disturb me is all the female privilege I might have if only I could change my name and call myself a woman to individuals who have legal documentation that my assigned gender is male without going homeless. Maybe once homeless, I could amputate my genitals and claim a female name, and that could be how I would transition. Most strangers believe female, so if only I could come up with a compelling story about why I don't have a period or a vagina, but that I really am female and really do deserve all the free things we give to women when they have nowhere else to go that would get me back on my feet and working again.

Women (cis or trans) have the privilege of being individuals.

Women (cis or trans) have the privilege of owning their own bodies.

Women (cis or trans) have the privilege of being accountable only for their own acts.

Women (cis or trans) have the privilege of being unaccountable for their own acts if those acts were naughty, mean, petty, unethical, or violent.

Women (cis or trans) have the privilege of having their sexism go unnoticed.

Women (cis or trans) have the privilege of being rabidly defended when they are accusded of sexism for specific acts and words on their part.

Women (cis or trans) have the privilege of being able to accuse somebody they are being sexist toward of being sexist himself and thus deserving of the sexism.

Women (cis or trans) have the privilege of being sexist against women.

I'm sure there are more items I could enumerate. Of course, a list like this could only end one way.

Women (cis or trans--and I have encountered some trans women this applies to) have the privilege of being unaware of their female privilege.

So, I'm going back to school, and I will have to face all of this sexism all over again. Should I just nod, state "yep, I'm a rapist because of the gender I was assigned?" Or should I say something.

Should I say something that the privilege of girls of having their hair however they want it, as the article My Hair Is My Accomplishment suggests, is NOT evidence of oppression? Should I say that I think that we're sexist against men in a lot of big ways that are utterly unrecognized, and I *know* because when I'm around people that don't know me, I am given, as Julia Serano suggested, a kind of cis privilege on loan, and all the female privilege that comes with it. Should I say that I think that the sexist things that have happened to me are WRONG?

Would anybody listen? Does anybody care? Does being born male truly make one expendible?

This is very difficult for me. I know I am a woman, but by pursuing college so I can make more money so I can finally transition, is that also an act of obtaining individuality because of the ways my body has been raped and the ways I have been abused and presumed to be things I am not?

Is sexism even the word I can use to describe the act of presuming somebody to have some quality based solely on their legal gender on paper?

Is sexist really just another word to describe somebody who is living and presenting as a male, like "man." Perhaps it would be unobjectionable and equivalent to state "today at the restaurant there were 3 sexist servers and 2 female servers" instead of "today at the restaurant there were 3 male servers and 2 female servers." Are those statements completely equivalent in their meaning and import?

So, then, if I were to decide not to accept the sexism and feminist male-bashing I'll be receiving at college, because I will need to acknowledge that I was born male and am currently assigned the male gender for legal purposes on paper desipte my breasts, despite my hair. If I were to decide not to accept that wearing a skirt and taking estrogen somehow makes me a double-secret rapist as the feminist writings I'll have to deal with in the course of getting a degree in math or maybe stats..

What word could I use to describe what's /wrong/ here?

Is it even worth fighting against? Does it even matter?

Does anybody here think that there's a point where certain individual women, cis or trans, may have crossed a line and become utterly sexist themselves, and that there's a good number of those individuals in the majority of women?

Does it even matter?

Has anybody else had these experiences?

Am I actually living in a bizarro-world and posting to a parallel universe that does not have these problems in error?

I don't know. Help me out. My life is falling apart... again... but I'm going to college come hell or high water... maybe I'll finally be able to transition when I'm 50 or 60 like everybody else. Maybe I was stupid for not understanding that gender transition isn't something a 20 year old does when he's ready to amputate his genitals and bleed to death because he's not a girl, because he's not independently wealthy yet. Now I'm 30, and I need to make a whole lot more money.

And I'm very angry with feminism, and I'm very angry that I'll have to face their hatred of men and trans women and even in some works I've read they seem to hate womanhood itself (and I don't understand why they don't just talk to some of the nice trans men I've met and fix their own problems before bashing men and trans women), face this all again to get my degree. What is there to do?

Should I just shut up, decide I'd like to see abortion illegal despite how taking political "revenge" against cis women as I see it wouldn't solve a dumb thing, and go rah rah for anti-abortion groups next political season? Is there a better way?

Or do I just deserve all those things because I truly am expendible because I don't have a womb?

I don't know.

Thanks

[Charlize]

Gosh dear i'm sorry to read so much anger in your post. I am also an alcoholic but have managed to stop drinking and confront some issues not entirely unlike yours. It was a miracle but stopping was the best thing that ever happened to me. You might want to visit the group of us that meets in chat in the substance abuse room every Sunday at 9 eastern. It helped me and may help you.

Try to concentrate in the meantime on the positive not the horrors you have outlined. Yours is a hard read. i hope you are able to get past that anger. Maybe a GT might be able to help. Here is one trans woman on your side. Hopefully you'll find more of us and some cis ones as well.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest tsubasa]

Hi Charlie,

Thank you for your reply. Does that group meet at 9a today or 9p?

After I wrote that post I drank enough to kill a horse, but apparently here I still am after a short sleep. I still exist. Kind of like Miracle Day, Torchwood season 4. I think I'd like to attend that group.

What is a GT? I don't know that acronym.

Thanks,

Tsubasa

[Guest tsubasa]

Never mind! I found the info. I'll try to be there tonight.

Thanks,

Tsubasa