A fleeting thought and feeling

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

I am nearly full time now, but still revert back to "him" for some mainly business

things which have not been changed yet. Today while in drab, a quick thought

came to me. I was as I used to always be. I looked and felt like he used to. It

lasted just a moment, then was replaced with this feeling of deep sadness.

Sadness that this person was quickly disappearing. Then my thoughts flashed

back to the business at hand, and the thoughts, feelings about him were gone.

Just sitting here tonight reflecting upon those feelings. Kind of sad.

But I feel so good, 3 months on HRT!

[Guest Sarah Faith]

I've had those feelings, I think its normal to reflect on how things were, how they are changing, and how they may end up. It's quite a journey and self reflection is never a bad thing. Glad to hear your feeling good.

[Charlize]

I think at this point i rarely miss him. That could simply be because him is still me in so many ways. I still do what i used to do only now others see me as i always saw myself. I'm an odd mixture as i did learn some male attitudes that may never leave. I'm certainly a believer in women's lib which was a big deal for my generation. I have always worked in male jobs and to some extent still enjoy farming and building. I should be able to enjoy that as a woman as well although i see some wide eyed stares when i snap the chainsaw to action to cut a beam to length for a "macho" man. I guess i'm still me regardless of my gender if that makes sense.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

Thanks Sarah.

So Charlie, you're a country girl too? I hope to someday get out of this city and

back to the country, somewhere. I would love to climb onto a tractor and

head for the field. Chainsaws were a huge part of my life also. I too will love

all these things as long as my health allows but somehow, I know I'll be

quite different at the same time. That short moment today I felt exactly like

the old person I was. Maybe I drove through some kind of time warp. Lol.

I wasn't driving a Delorean anyway. Lol

What you said makes a lot of sense to me.

Heather

[Carolyn Marie]

You've known "him" your entire life, Heather. It's natural to be melancholy about giving him up, or putting him into your past. it's also scary anticipating what the future might bring. Just remember that, for better or worse, he brought you to this point, and is part of who you are, so you never truly lose him entirely. At least that's how I felt about it.

A few months into full time, and the vestiges of your male past will slowly fade away, and your new life will seem like a comfy sweater. Enjoy this new life, hon. You've worked hard for it.

HUGS

Carolyn marie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Your identity always remains constant. How that is expressed will change, but you are always you. In there is the continuum.

Love

Brenda

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

Thanks Carolyn. You said almost word for word what my therapist told me

a while back. He will always be a part of me.

And thinking about the future is scary, and exciting at the same time.

"You are always you". I like that Brenda, thanks.

Heather

[JJ]

The other day I went to a Vietnam Veterans Organization event. Not because I am one but was invited and found a wave of such -not exactly sadness but something close-swept over me because seeing these older men and their wives triggered my memories of who I was when they were young men at war and I was living like their wives. There were good times I do not regret. And yet it made me so regret all that I really wasn't and didn't get to be while missing for a little bit that person who tried so hard to be what was needed and expected. What a waste. Such a bittersweet mix of emotions.

After awhile I asked myself as I have before -I think maybe we all have those moments-would I go back to living as that woman if I could? I know so many things I am having to relearn as a different gender and have so many life skills I had to discard. Living as a woman is so familiar. But then I realized that it never felt as right as I do now. It never made me happy. I do not want to go back. Not even a little. But I do regret that so much time and effort was expended. Perhaps not truly wasted because it shaped who I am and gave me the strength to do what I had to do ultimately as well as an understanding and knowledge of the world few possess.

It has been my observation here that those who come to terms with who they were before transition and see that it was still them as circumstances demanded they be, but still them doing the best they knew how, actually have the least problems after transition. Those who see a him/her total separation seem to continue with anger and other issues afterwards. I'm not sure of the dynamics at work but it has certainly seemed to be the case more and more the longer I am here. Perhaps because that was us and if we hate them we hate a part of ourselves.

The amazing thing is how we ARE able to move on with our lives and become who we were meant to be in spite of all the socialization to the contrary. To build new identities. Sometimes I do wish I could reach back and give myself a hug and say I am sorry for all the hurt but one day it will be alright.

Johnny

[Guest LoveBeingMe]

I hear you Johnny. Sometimes I think my past was all bad, I made so many

wrong turns, but it wasn't. I have wonderful memories I wouldn't trade for

anything. Wonderful memories of being him. Then at times I get rather

jealous of the young people today, who are able to transition at such a

young age. I then wonder how different my life would have been if I could

have transitioned at that age. But then there are those memories I wouldn't

trade for anything.

It is amazing how we are able to move on, into a new life. So many new

things to learn. So many challenges. I also do not want to go back, don't

think I could, as I was pretty much in desperation when I sought professional

help. I think we do need to accept who we are, and where

we've been. But I also feel a part of us will also always wonder, what if?