Confused

[Guest Nire]

So I'm 17 now and don't want to be male but don't really know what I really am.

My Story:

When I was a child, I didn't really feel like I wanted to be a girl but didn't feel I should be treated any differently then girls either. I wanted to play dress up with my sister and wear her super awesome peel off nail polish but was embarrassed and guilty because my parents didn't really want me to.

Later, when I was growing up I saw a movie where a famous man hockey player dies accidentally then gets put into a famous woman figure skater's body (if anyone knows the name of this could you tell me please?). The movie made me feel very strong, complex feelings that I cannot really remember but it may have been happiness, sadness and maybe arousal but it made me feel happy like the rain does (if that helps make more sense of it).

As I grew up, the person I thought I was and the person I saw in the mirror became more and more skewed even though I knew I was looking at myself and somewhat identified with who I saw. I felt insecure and developed a low self esteem. I started not hanging around others because I didn't feel comfortable around them, I didn't hang around with guys because I felt I didn't fit in and I didn't hang around with girls because I felt I was being judged all the time, which makes me nervous. But when I started puberty I was happy in some weird way that growing a beard or mustache would somehow make me fit in more.

Prior to switching into my current school, I was really quite sexually innocent but then I figured out about porn and a lot of other things like sex stories which got me thinking that I might be gay because I lost interest in straight stories and prefered the gay ones more. But then, I got interested in transgendered stories and began wondering if I was transgendered myself.

I was around 15-16 the time I noticed I might be transgendered but I was so unsure I didn't know what to do. At first I was so scared that I would be transgendered but then realized it wouldn't be bad. I started cross dressing later on.

I didn't really like the thought of being a male, and felt that being a male automatically made me a womanizing pervert, only interested in sex and even though that's complete BS stereotyping, I don't want others to see me as that. I also didn't really like anything about being a guy (too much body hair, baldness, voice, muscles...etc). I feel like I'm loosing and sometimes I just give in or ignore it or even embrace it which isn't so fun.

I took tests like the COGIATI and scored around the middle with a lean towards female mostly. I feel like I do fit into the androgynous, being able to pass as both and it seems calm and balanced. But now, I really don't want identify with being male. But I still feel conflicted on this and can't figure out the answers to my own questions. I'm so confused and afraid, can anyone help?

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Hi Nire...Welcome to Laura's LOL you have a way of getting to the nub of it all girl. Having pondered the Ka-Trillion dollar question myself I'll remain mute...to do otherwise would be talking out of turn. Please DO explore this site...it will definately answer MOST of your questions. Erm...can't help you with the movie though...that's a puzzler. You are amongst friends here Nire so have a seat, get comfy and...be, Hugs...Kelly Ann

[Sally]

Welcome Nire,

I see that you have already met Kelly Ann, you may have noticed right around the flas there that she also identifies as androgynous, I am a full MTF myself. That took a good while for me to admit to myself - I'm 57 and I have just started on my transition.

Let me offer you some hot cocoa and some fresh baked cookies, I have ginger snaps tonight along with the chocolate chip and Kelly Ann's favorite, Snicker Doodles!

The food is virtual, but the warmth and friendships are very real.

Feel free to look around, visit any forum, ask questions, aoffer your opinions, we want to hear from you too.

I'll just say welcome on more time and you just get comfortable, some more great people will be along pretty soon.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

So I'm 17 now and don't want to be male but don't really know what I really am.

My Story:

When I was a child, I didn't really feel like I wanted to be a girl but didn't feel I should be treated any differently then girls either. I wanted to play dress up with my sister and wear her super awesome peel off nail polish but was embarrassed and guilty because my parents didn't really want me to.

Later, when I was growing up I saw a movie where a famous man hockey player dies accidentally then gets put into a famous woman figure skater's body (if anyone knows the name of this could you tell me please?). The movie made me feel very strong, complex feelings that I cannot really remember but it may have been happiness, sadness and maybe arousal but it made me feel happy like the rain does (if that helps make more sense of it).

As I grew up, the person I thought I was and the person I saw in the mirror became more and more skewed even though I knew I was looking at myself and somewhat identified with who I saw. I felt insecure and developed a low self esteem. I started not hanging around others because I didn't feel comfortable around them, I didn't hang around with guys because I felt I didn't fit in and I didn't hang around with girls because I felt I was being judged all the time, which makes me nervous. But when I started puberty I was happy in some weird way that growing a beard or mustache would somehow make me fit in more.

Prior to switching into my current school, I was really quite sexually innocent but then I figured out about porn and a lot of other things like sex stories which got me thinking that I might be gay because I lost interest in straight stories and prefered the gay ones more. But then, I got interested in transgendered stories and began wondering if I was transgendered myself.

I was around 15-16 the time I noticed I might be transgendered but I was so unsure I didn't know what to do. At first I was so scared that I would be transgendered but then realized it wouldn't be bad. I started cross dressing later on.

I didn't really like the thought of being a male, and felt that being a male automatically made me a womanizing pervert, only interested in sex and even though that's complete BS stereotyping, I don't want others to see me as that. I also didn't really like anything about being a guy (too much body hair, baldness, voice, muscles...etc). I feel like I'm loosing and sometimes I just give in or ignore it or even embrace it which isn't so fun.

I took tests like the COGIATI and scored around the middle with a lean towards female mostly. I feel like I do fit into the androgynous, being able to pass as both and it seems calm and balanced. But now, I really don't want identify with being male. But I still feel conflicted on this and can't figure out the answers to my own questions. I'm so confused and afraid, can anyone help?

Hi Nire. I'm 17 too, and I was confused and frustrated for a long time too. I didn't feel like I wanted to be a girl when I was younger, but it developed slowly over my course as a teenager.

I remember that movie. I think it was a made-for-TV movie and I don't remember what it was called. I don't remember if I had TG thoughts back then, but I'm pretty sure the movie made me think.

I've been looking at porn for a long time, and I always preferred softcore stuff where the girls are alone and posing. I didn't like to see people having sex. Instead, I imagined transforming into the girls I was looking at. I only recently discovered erotic fiction where guys do transform, so I'm obviously not alone in that.

For a long time, though, it was entirely a sexual arousal to transforming my body. I didn't want to be a woman, I just wanted to have the body of one, if that makes sense. But a few months ago, I was lying in bed, trying to figure it all out. I let go of everything and tried to imagine what'd make me happiest, and I realized being able to identify as a woman and living out the rest of my days as a woman gave me the most amazing, non-sexual euphoric feeling I've ever felt.

So, the sexual stuff has taken a back-seat to the euphoric day-dreaming. I'm not really uncomfortable being a young man, and function quite well in my current role. I just feel like becoming a woman would make me much happier, and I'm shooting for it.

I'm pretty sure one day I will transition. I'm only telling you how I feel. Ultimately, you have to decide if becoming a woman, or becoming something in the middle, or something else entirely, is the right choice for you. I suggest you try and imagine what'd make you happiest.

[Guest leo]

i dont know if this is my place to say but i felt how joannaB felt also

when i watched porn i would 'transform' into the guy and imagine im him, was the only way for arousal.

but as time went past other feelings and emotions got involved, i never really felt like a girl, just didnt feel like anything

but i know i wona be male because when i dress up and try and pass makes me feel better and feel right

[Guest Irielle]

Hi Nire and welcome. You will make many friends here.

When I was small I wondered why I didn’t have a girl’s body and wanted one. As I grew up I sort of became comfortable in my boy’s body but always knew it was wrong for me. When I think about transitioning to a girl’s body it doesn’t quite feel right to me. It would feel more normal than what I have but would still kind of be the wrong body. I am definitely androgyne and want a body that can pass as either male or female and could function as either male or female but I don’t think that’s possible.

I hated growing body hair and was really embarrassed, especially when I got underarm hair and hair on my legs. I shave it all off.

I never fit into any groups in school. I could be friends with a lot of classmates but always felt left out. I spent a lot of time alone.

I took the COGIATI and scored about 30, androgyne, which only confirmed what I already knew. I know I’m more female than the 30 indicates, though. I’m more female than male. I don’t like being fully male and I wouldn’t like being 100% female; I feel like I would be missing part of myself if I were completely either one. I should have been born with a female body and still would be androgyne, so I guess I’ll probably stay male. I would LOVE to have breasts and more female characteristics but I don’t think I want HRT because I hear it might cause impotence. But I can see myself transitioning someday, if it turns out to be the right thing for me.

As far as porn goes? I like looking at both males and females and can be either one myself or something in between so there are lots of options. In real life if I’m with a guy I tend to be female and when I’m with a girl I’m male. But girls tell me I’m different and that I pay a lot more attention to them than other guys do. Maybe I’m lesbian. I’m pansexual, that’s for sure.

I dress in both guy’s and girl’s clothes most of the time. At work I can only wear panties though. At home I’m normally in all girl clothes, when I go out I throw on a sweatshirt and jacket. I love girly jeans and wear them all the time. I hate wearing all guy’s clothes and never do that anymore. I’m a girl as much of the time as I can be and it seems to kind of balance out that I have a guy’s body. Actually, my body shape is kind of androgynous. Girl’s clothes seem to fit me better. When I look at old photos of myself I see more of a girl, instead of a boy.

If you don’t want to identify as being male you don’t have to. Just because you have a boy’s body doesn’t mean your gender is male. I don’t identify as male anymore because I don’t think or feel like I’m male and I don’t want to be male. I’m in between and I’m happy there. I like being referred to as a girl, though, and like it better when people use female pronouns with me. It gives me a good feeling.

The best thing for you to do is to get a gender therapist. It can take a long time to work through this stuff. As androgynes I suspect we will spend our whole lives trying to figure ourselves out. Sometimes I am very confused and don’t know who I am but that’s okay. We are a rare and precious gift to the world.

From what you say it sounds like you are pretty sure you are androgynous. Take your time, follow your heart and don’t force yourself into anything. You have your whole life ahead and your dreams will show you the way. Good luck to you!

Iri

[Guest Evan_J]

Hmmm.

I guess this is direct at Irielle and whoever else feels like this....

I don't see why you couldn't keep the boy body parts you like and (as you said you'd like them) have breast implants? Breasts without hormones in essence. Do whatever will make you happiest about your name; change it if you like people using female references or keep it and still use female pronouns the same a women named male names. The only thing you'd have to work out is worklife. And -in a time where so much can be done from home on computers- maybe you could finesse that? And avoid the workplace as somewhere your "combined" body might have criticism.

[Guest Nire]

thanks for the support everyone! sorry I made you talk about porn maybe that was a bit odd of a thing to bring up.

I guess I just need to think a lot more on this.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Nire,

Dear, Dear, relax!! Take a deep breath, hold, now let it out. What you are feeling is completely normal!!! You see your gender as male, but are flooded with the sociological perceptions of what being male is.. forget that!! Be the male you know you are. Zabrak, Leo, Zack, and others are definitely the people you want to talk to. I am MTF, but surprisingly our stories are very similar. I refuse to be the streotypical self-centered blonde that everyone thinks someone like me should be!!! Be yourself. It will all be OK!! Keep talking to us. We will help you!!

bernie

[Guest Jo-I-Dunno]

bernie, reread Nire's story! I think you've got things backwards.

I wanted to play dress up with my sister and wear her super awesome peel off nail polish but was embarrassed and guilty because my parents didn't really want me to.

But when I started puberty I was happy in some weird way that growing a beard or mustache would somehow make me fit in more.

Anyway, Nire, people like us have a little bit of an advantage! Our lives as young males aren't unbearable. We're not sitting here, hating ourselves, feeling like we're in the wrong body.

But it's got lots of downsides too. Our feelings aren't as powerful, and we're not as sure about what to do. I had come to accept that, but I'm starting to realize that the world around me doesn't. If I don't feel like a woman on the inside, than why do I want to be one on the outside? It's hard to explain to people. But the first step is being able to explain it to yourself.

[Guest Nire]

I didn't really like the thought of being a male, and felt that being a male automatically made me a womanizing pervert, only interested in sex and even though that's complete BS stereotyping, I don't want others to see me as that. I also didn't really like anything about being a guy (too much body hair, baldness, voice, muscles...etc). I feel like I'm loosing and sometimes I just give in or ignore it or even embrace it which isn't so fun.

Hi Bernie,

I think that is what you were talking about? stress emphasis on BS. this isn't society's perception, but my perception of how critical society is (same basic thing, right?) I don't really want that because it's like changing for what others believe in. I don't like it but to exist in society is to compromise one's true self isn't it? And what's more, I love it, I love people, community, love and so much it all seems so necessary I can't reject but I should try to be myself in it. I feel suppressed. I might explode someday with beautiful colors (not suicidally).

But there seems to be more than just societal perceptions, I don't feel male or female, maybe something between, probably more female then male, I think.

but as it always is, I need to think more.

And Thank you JoannaB!

I feel better now

[Guest Elizabeth K]

"If I don't feel like a woman on the inside, than why do I want to be one on the outside?"

Androgyne? One of my favorite people here at Laura's once told me she LOVES her feminine side, but strongly identifies with her masculine side. I said the difference seems to be I want to affirm my 'femaleness' (I am TS) and she wants to express her 'femininity' (she identifies as androgyne)." Seems subtle but it is really a different thing.

I feel like a woman inside all the time - always have, always will. She feels feminine some of the time, masculine some of the time.

It's worth thinking about, perhaps? Only a gender therapist can sort that out (and we both have one).

Lizzy

[Guest Nire]

Oh wow, sorry, my last post on this thread was super weird and probably mean...sorry

I think I was grouchy or something

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear, Dear Nire!!

I am so embarassed!! When I first read your post, I thought you were FTM!! My goodness I am such a bimbo!! My last post was sincere!! I was just confused!! My dear, I truely hope that I did not offend you!! I am so sorry if I did!! I did not mean too. I am so red wih embarassment!!

LOL

bernie