Break The Chain

[Guest LilyRose]

Sometimes, I feel guilty for being the only one who can carry on my last name. Because I'm expected to have kids as a man. I will be just as grateful to be able to adopt kids or surrogate if my fiance and I don't work out. I'm not going to be a father, I'm going to be a mother!

Break The Chain

"I can hear you saying that you must never break the chain"

sang a dysfunctional Fleetwood Mac on the Rumours album.

It reminds me of a woman who used to be my mother. She was

obsessed with "grandbabies" instead of her daughter's happiness.

In my current state, I am unable to be a father and that is fine by me.
I would never want to do any of the fatherly duties that would be

ahead of me if I chose to go ahead. Sure, I would love him or her
more than my own self... that's how it should be, at my own expense.

As hard as I am on myself, I knew that the burden of passing on the

family name through future girl parts was impossible. It should not bother me
and yet, it does. Mostly because I would rather be the one who is holding

my own child. Not being a real woman is such a harsh burden to carry.

Being a transwoman is liberating and I love it, but missing out on

that dream is a huge step to get past from both standpoints. I might be

able to use my own milk to give to another and that will be the best

I can do. Only then will I be a mother and not have to break the chain.

Lily Rose

A little different than my normal stuff. Hugs! Thanks for reading.

[Guest Rebecca A]

You're a real woman, we all are! but I hear you, not the same experience, and even some cis women can't have children, so there are others who deal with this situation even if not trans. Oh well though, we do the best we can and that's good enough, it has to be.

[Guest LilyRose]

Hehehehe, Yeah. We are all real women. You are right. I sometimes get too jealous of cis women. But, as you said, even they cannot have children sometimes. But we'll all get by somehow.

Hugs
Lily Rose

[Charlize]

There are real and painful sacrifices that we make in transition. I was named after my father as was my youngest son. He died at the age of 13 and i'm going to change my name. I'll have some explaining to do at the graveside. I was fortunate to have children. The beauty and pain i'm glad were part of my life but i also think of how much happier i might have been as a female throughout. I guess we are given a path sometimes that is both painful and beautiful at the same time regardless of where that path goes.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest Astrosmurf]

That's true Charlie, i think all of life is full of those opposites - pain and beauty, joy and sorrow, night and day, male and female. I suppose when it comes to gender we are somewhere in a male twilight, a female self dawning. It feels like a dark night in between sometimes. There are always positives to look for besides the negatives but I know what you mean here Lily Rose.

It's something I think about often because I nearly became a father twice but both times the babies didn't get to full term. Then I married a woman who'd had a hysterectomy. Maybe it's a bonus not having children in some ways as there are less people for me to have to consider through transitioning, less responsibility and perhaps less expense. Perhaps it was even an unconscious choice. I think a lot of the women I attempted to be with intuited something about me too, perhaps.

Personally I console myself with the knowledge that for all the joys of parenthood there are also many benefits to being single and childless too, even if I feel the sense of loss you speak of, especially when confronted with the apparently happy family lives of others. I know some others view me as having failed in one of life's primary obligations, and even though I don't see things in such a materialistic/biology-only way (I have a more spiritual outlook) it still hurts a lot because I actually did want children. But yes, we get by as you say.

Thanks for sharing your touching thoughts and words Lily Rose

[Guest AlexR]

Lily,

My wife and I were also unable to have children, so we opted to adopt. She is, in every way, our child. She may not look a whole lot like us but she its 100 percent our daughter.

Born as the only son of an only son, I too understand the pressure of "carrying on the family name". I think my mother today would still like for me to try to have a son. But really that's a terrible reason have a child.

Unfortunately, there are many, many children of all ages throughout the world who are in need of a loving family. They may come with special challenges due to whatever left them without a family to care for them, but the rewards are endless.

[Guest LilyRose]

Thank you all for sharing your kind words and stories. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone in my "failure" to become a parent some day. You are one beautiful and strong lady, Charlie. Don't forget that! You are absolutely right in the line of feeling both the pain and beauty. Such disastrously amazing life can be..

I also appreciate your wonderfully honest opinions, Astrosmurf. I am still in my earliest stages of my womanhood, and perhaps it is for the best that I am not going to try to have children. It's still a lament that does tend to burden my shoulders. We may "fail" others, but the important thing is, we don't fail ourselves. If I don't become a woman, I will see myself as a failure. Something I will need to keep in mind as I take my long journey forward is that failure is different for everyone.

Alix, you and I, sure do share a lot of common traits as being the only son of an only son. I am glad that we are in constant touch with each other. I know that I would love to have a child down the line, even if I have to adopt. I just hate the fact that I am the last of my kind due to the intense pressure of passing down a name. And through our pain, we will shine on. Each and every one of us!

Hugs a million times over!
Lily Rose

[Guest Opal]

I, too will not be passing on the family name. It does not seem to bother me much, perhaps I am too selfish.

Opal

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Lily Rose

You know you can have your cake and eat it too

Having kids is a great experience, but they are alot of work

I do think that knowing that they are from you , does make a difference

If you think you might one day want your very own you really should keep your options open

Freeze some

Who knows maybe one day you will be with say a FTM and between the two of you , you can

Any way Nice poem

vanna

[Guest Brenda Hailey]

Lily I am one of the few who are greatfull to not have had any children.

I suppose I could still by some crazy miracle, but I really dont want any.

I grew up hating myself totally and completely and could never imagine myself bringing another soul into this world given the chance they would ever have to go through their life and feel like I felt.

I would have made the worst parent in the world,and I knew it. At least I cared enough to not do that to a child. Sometimes I think about what could have been and quickly think about what actually "was" and I am thankful I dont have anyone here due to my irresponsibility

I could not bare to think I would be responsible for someone elses misery if they turned out like me.

Of course it might have helped if I was attracted to women in the first place to even be able to have kids but such is my luck I just wont be having any no matter how I slice it.

I think one miserable version of me is more than enough in this world making more seems ridiculous. Its only now I am mature enough (maybe) to have any.

The expectation of a family name and carrying on the line is just as silly an expectation as the family tree expecting me to live as a person I know I am not.

Brenda Hailey