Detransitioning

[~Nova~]

Has anyone here ever done it? Happier before. ever?

I'm considering detransitioning and going back to male mode. Of course I'm post op so I'd have to be careful about things, but I'm not happy.

So, have you ever switched back?

N

[Guest Mia J]

During my first attempt to transition I ended up stopping after about one and one half years and six months on HRT.

It was because of some very stressful things in my life and it did not help. The end results would have happened in any case. It took me another decade to finally decide I had to go on and transition. I doubt I would ever try and go back.

Mia

[~Nova~]

I'm not sure what my future holds. I'm actually more scared going out as a guy then I ever was going out as a girl. The thought is making me ill. I'm not unhappy in my curent position, I'm just not happy. I truly doubt I would find happiness as either gender.

I'm almost 3 years on HRT and over a year post op... Where has the time gone.

Maybe Montana would be good for me. I could go years without seeing a single sole

[Guest]

I read your thread, but I had to log off to get my bubble bath. I had many mixed feelings and questions as I soaked. Would anything get better for me if if I manned up again?

You are one of the people that I admire most as a girl who has it all. Why would she want to give that up? Economics? Money? Relationships? Sex or lack of? When I entertain that idea, I see it as a sole means to step back out of poverty. Sacrifice myself, then give up all my love and support from my girl friends? Is it all an ego stroke anyway, because what are they doing for me economically? I washed my breasts in tears at the thought of giving them up. I am trying to understand you and me, even though comparisons wouldn't really fit regardless. Maybe I don't fit into this world, but I finally fit in my own. Going back for me is a hefty price to pay. I would always love her, miss her and wish I were her and hate myself for betraying her...er...me. Is that even an option for me? Not a pleasant one if at all.

As I dress today, I need to work on the brakes on my old clunky truck. I have no more male clothes so I have to decide which of my wonderful female clothes are expendable. All the pretty colors and styles of things that men are not allowed to have and wear openly. My old standard uniform of blue jeans, black shirt and boots has so little appeal to me. Yet I put on my worst old pair of thrift store skinny jeans and a black "Arizona" Tee shirt and my black Sketchers to face the task. That is as boy as I want to get. Going back to male? Hmmmm....

I hope I am not prying to ask you of your motivations more specific that "unhappy". Maybe you don't want to share the details and that is OK too. Either way you go, I will still admire you. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest KimberlyF]

I don't know if you are currently talking to a therapist, but there is never a bad time.

[Guest Luuceee]

Maybe you could try testing the waters by getting some male clothing and living as a guy for say a week. Afterwards if you decide its not for you then you will know.

[Guest Always Good]

From what you are saying this might just be a "screwed since birth" scenario. Just think back, how did you feel as a guy? Was it better or worse? This could just be the time of year too, are you getting enough sun?

[Guest chngnwnd]

I think Always Good brings up the key here: Were you happier as your birth gender? Each of us may face this question at one time or another and each of us must find our own answer and our own path.

I would also ask are you not happy because you are just not happy, or your life is not how you imagined it would be post transition? Again this is a very personal question and dilemma many of us may face and each of us who face it must find our own answers.

I wish you well.

Bobbi

[Guest otter-girl]

Nova,

It is possible that the biggest problem with transition is it masks the other things in life that are part of us. Transition is a life quest event. It dominates and gives meaning as well as being a hurdle. Once everything settles down the 'now what' scenario can appear. Unless there is something gender related in your unhappiness it is unlikely that another transition will prevent you arriving at the same place. The post transition vacuum is likely here. Good time to chat about it with a therapist to help find out how to find a satisfying direction to bringing more happiness into your life.

Best wishes,

Rachel

(A fully paid up member of the screwed since birth society but never gives up hope nor stops trying when not being lashed by storms etc etc)

[~Nova~]

I'm most certainly happier as s girl. I'm much more comfortable I life and I fit in. I'm post op, I have more boyfriends than I can date, I have money, I have an ex that is super suportive. So why on earth would I detransition? The answer is simple, I didn't find the happiness I thought I would

I'll stay where I am for a while, I was just wondering if anyone had done it. I'm NOT regretting anything, just confused as to where I wanna be in ten, fifteen years

so,

[Guest Nikkichick33]

Hi Nova,

I really do not have any advice i could give. I can say, I would Never detransition. that is absolutely not an option. I can say that i envy you. You do not know what i would give to be post op and finally be complete. that is something i will die never getting to experience. will never know what it is like to have a BF. I hope you get your needs figured out and I wish you the best.

Nikki.

[Cyndee]

I just wanna wish you happiness in life Nova, what ever it takes. Perhaps gender expression fluidity is neccessary...

Indeed the topic in its self is a tough one for those many that are struggling to transition in the first place.

I dunno you could become a "dental floss tycoon by movin' to Montana"(fz)

Hugs

Cyndi -

[Guest nomnomnom]

I'm not unhappy in my curent position, I'm just not happy. I truly doubt I would find happiness as either gender.

going by what you've said, this gives me the impression that detransitioning won't do anything to make you any happier.

Try to realise that transition alone will not fix all your problems, likely just the problem of gender dysphoria, which by itself does tend to cause secondary problems such as depression, etc.

try to think back as to how you felt before transitioning in the first place. By pursuing it as you have, there must have been a reason. It's important not to forget those feelings.

you could try semi-detransitioning and just presenting as male for a while, this would perhaps make things in your mind more clear.

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Nova,

After I read your post, I was kind of taken aback. You are always positive and supportive. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain.

I have read of TS's who detransitioned, and most of them say they were not any happier.

I have not made it as far as you have, and will have to settle for only partial Transition.

You are very fortunate to have made it, and have people who care about you. Perhaps a new life focus will help. I wish you all the best.

Hugz,

Gina

[Guest KimberlyF]

I have come across a spot on the web a while ago loaded with people who have detransitioned. They were not forced into it for economic reasons or family or whatever. They just didn't find what they were looking for. It has happened.

I have seen you post about you not being totally ready for the surgery and maybe you rushed a bit...but then you were happy after.

Above you said you weren't unhappy, but just not happy.

This is why I asked if you had anyone to talk with?

At some point the goal is to reach an end point in this process and be comfortable with ourselves. That doesn't mean we'll be happy 24/7.

Maybe step away from the forces that helped you to make this early push for surgery before being 100% ready and make sure these are not the same forces that you discuss an issue like detransition with?

The way I see it, the important thing isn't being happy all the time, but to like one's self and to be able to live with ones self.

[Drea]

The simple answer, on this site I have seen two people, both long term posties de-transitioning and several others, non-postie doing it for various claimed reasons but usually not stated as choice.

Having said that, which is just observational data, Nova, you have the luxury at this point of independent thought. You are there, you can evaluate the reality of your situation. You are no longer in the situation of needing to believe certain things will solve your problems cause you been thru most if not all those things others need to believe in order "to move forward".

You are only a year, year and a half post-op, that is hardly any time at all.

I don't know if you have had some recent event causing you to feel less than happy and projecting it into wider than it should.

You mention things like having more boyfriends than you can date, money and supportive ex. This is reminiscent of the belief that many have that if they just have more money they would be happy. Or some other fantasy someone might have about what they think they want.

Dates don't equal love and frankly, guys after a women are a dime a dozen. How many of them are really real world love interests (i.e. where you have known in person where you aren't just a sex interest).

Even if they are love interest, these are external things. Happiness is something that needs to be found inside.

I have no clue what your key is. I think therapy post-op is a great thing. There is a point where all posties have to face life after transition. To find some purpose beyond transition or trying to fufill pre-transition fantasies. This typically happens 2 to 5 years post-srs. Well maybe you are just hitting it early.

I can't judge. The fact is you have made certain commitments such as SRS which can't be undone. You have, God willing, many years ahead of you. Often, cause of the gender crap, people get so focused on transition as the cure-all that they are not in a place where they can deal with other issues in therapy....assuming they are truly getting therapy. As a postie, with all that transitional crap behind them some find their way into finally dealing with things that would have been better addressed earlier.

I will give you credit for speaking your reservations. Many on support sites aren't willing to speak things where they might feel they will be judged negativity. I appreciate the honesty and hope you find some peace. Cause if happiness is elusive, peace is the next best substitute.

Perhaps, you recognize just why so few posties act as transition cheerleaders cause it becomes a whole lot more serious post SRS.

[Charlize]

Nova, I know and respect you and will certainly think no less of you as either gender. I have to agree with others that happiness and peace of mind doesn't come from our gender. I'm beginning to face the fact that the novelty and excitement of living as a woman is beginning to wear off. Now that i'm just me again i'm stuck with myself and if i can't find acceptance as one then the other may well not change that. I was lucky to be an addict and while i destroyed my health and left a path of destruction in the process of getting sober i found some peace with myself and the world. I think we all need to find that peace within us. For me it came with an ongoing attempt to get closer to a higher power because i know now that i'm not the tower of strength that i once thought i was. I'm human , full of doubts and pain but with joy and certainty as well. Each day is different and i can always rely on that. Please, whatever you decide, love the person you are and take care of yourself.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LizMarie]

You do whatever you need to do to be at peace with yourself, Nova.

But I would caution anyone to avoid the pitfall of expecting to be happy all the time. That just doesn't happen very often. For me, facing myself and starting on this journey has lifted years of self-loathing. For that reason alone, I won't be going back to living as "him" and will instead continue forward with my own transition.

It sounds like you good use some time with a therapist to get to the root of whatever else is bothering you. Once you deal with that, I would imagine your path forward would then be clearer, regardless.

[~Nova~]

thank you all for your wonderful replies. It means a lot to know I'm not alone in this world.

I got an email today about a hob offer and I'm going for an interview sometime this week. If I get this job I most certainly will not detransition. I would only have to work 3 days a week and that would give me time to resume a more normal life.

As it stands I work everyday and I'm exhausted and cranky.

I see a therapist twice a month and take handfuls of meds everyday. Some have terrible side effects and some make me feel like a zombie. Its a terrible feeling. The worst part of how I feel is I have everything I could want, yet I can't find a smile.

time will tell. Thanks again for all the wonderful replies

i

I got an email foe

[Sally]

Nova,

I first want you to understand that this is coming from someone who has never found happiness and is not even really sure what it is, full of self doubts and of course doubts about others.

Some people, myself included have been indoctrinated from a very early age to not ever be happy, we are taught that for every silver lining there is a black cloud it is very hard to break free from this mindset.

Even the Founding Fathers of our nation suffered from this, that is why we have Life, Liberty and the PURSUIT of Happiness - they did not think it was possible to obtain either.

Why do Millionaires feel the need to be Billionaires? Do they really need more money - no they just haven't found the happiness they were looking for and they believe that happiness is only a few hundred million dollars away - it isn't.

You were never really happy as a man the first time around, what on Earth would make you think that it would be in anyway better the second time - especially since now you would be in the position of an FTM transman.

I know the secret to true happiness and I can tell it to you and everyone else - believing it and applying it to your own life is the hard part - isn't it always - it isn't in knowing what you want and working relentlessly toward that goal because the journey becomes more important than the destination - when you arrive the journey is over and all of that drive and energy has nowhere to go - you become depressed instead of happy.

True happiness comes from within and by that I mean the ability to look at where you are now and find the things that are good about it and not always look for the things that have or could go wrong.

You said yourself that you have everything that you could want but you are not happy - for you that is exactly why, you are goal oriented and now all of the major goals are accomplished and you have no reason to be happy, nothing to work towards - this is a mindset that must be changed or you will never realize the incredible happiness that is available to you right now - it is all around you but you have programmed yourself to never see it - trust me I am there, minus the good job, money, boyfriends and surgery but I have things and people in my life that should make me very happy - I just have to retrain myself to not always be unhappy.

So to recap - happiness is not somewhere in the distance and if we keep moving we will find it - that is just running away - happiness is right here, right now and all you have to do is learn to see it. (If you manage to master this please tell me how it is done)

Love ya,

Sally

[Drea]

Comment on happiness.

To a large degree it is what we make of it. What we believe, what we expect.

One of my sisters for most of her life felt she was missing out. That she had to work. That her husband(s) never provided what she expected. She didn't feel she got as much as other siblings in our family growing up, etc. She has had major depressive problems as well, lots of meds, everything was beyond her control.

A few years back, she had recently gotten married (husband #3) and wasn't long into this when the same old problem started to occur. This time however, and I don't know what it was, she changed. She at first recognized "that she never going to have the life she wanted". Now to me that was kind of sad form of acceptance. Acceptance in a negative way but...it was a step. She moved beyond that, and has come to peace with where she is in life, doing and enjoys doing what she can and while she sometimes dwells on the past, how she was wronged, she isn't dwelling on achieving some practically unachievable goal where all will be perfect.

I think she is now happier than she every has been in the past. I also think what we expect has a great deal to do with how happy we are as a result.

There is a documentary out there called "Happy" which goes into the factors of happiness and has some good news and some bad news. One factor is that some people are just innately happy and some innately are not (on average) and they rate such predisposition as having a 40% factor as far as their overall happiness. It is the single biggest indicator which does put some people at a disadvantage that is hard to overcome (that's the bad news for some) on the other hand, there are many other factors and many of those one can have an effect on themselves so there is hope for even those who are innately unhappy (the good news).

[Guest marissa anastasia1]

with all due respect to those who transition and wherever you have been placed on the gender spectrum, being able to switch back and forth as a CD is an advantage I like.

Love

Rissa

[Drea]

with all due respect to those who transition and wherever you have been placed on the gender spectrum, being able to switch back and forth as a CD is an advantage I like.

Love

Rissa

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Nova,

What you are going through right now gives me pause. I am sorry to hear that the dynamics of your life have brought you to this point in time. Transitioning is very serious business. Detransitioning at your stage is even more compelling.

I am middle aged and I discussed transitioning with my mother and she said to me in all ehearnestness that being a middle aged woman in today's society is not something she would recommend to anyone. Of course, that is her perspective.

I have to ask, have you discussed detransitioning with your therapist? What are the consequences? What are the risks?

What are the dynamics in your life that have brought you to this question?

Why are you not happy? What expectations did you have when transitioning? What expectations do you have contemplating detransitioning?

You are an adult woman so I leave these questions for yourself to answer. I do not need to be answered.

All that I hope for you is that you find peace with yourself.

All my love

Brenda

[Guest]

Oh my.