I Think I'm Read But I Need Advice

[Guest sara w.]

I told my friend that there is somthing going on with me and I said "I want to tell you but its really hard, I'll think it over and if I feel I can tell you I'll tell you on friday" he said "ok" i gave him alot of hints and stuff to let him know how big this is, he said "well you know I'm a very trustworthy person, and I don't judge at all, and I'll still be your friend no matter what" honestly he is a very trustworthy person but he is such a good friend and I don't want to risk losing him

and i just want to know if i really should tell him, oh and before i went home i asked him "what do you think of people who are gay?" he said "i don't mind them as long as they don't push it on me." i really want to tell him but im not sure if i should, and alot of you know how terrifying it is, im sorry for rambling, what i'm just saying is, what are the possible things that could happen if he would judge me wrongly and tell people?

[Guest Little Sara]

Possible bad things? Depends where you live.

Mostly people being jerks about it I guess. That's the worst I had during the years of bullying (pre-transition), besides the occasional being-beaten-up (which is assault, so a crime they could be prosecuted for, so unlikely as a reaction).

Since transitioning, the worst bad reaction? Bad-mouthing behind my back. Nothing in my face.

[Sally]

Well Sara,

This is what it all comes down to, how much do you trust this friend?

If you tell him and he does decide to tell everyone esle he wasn't much of a friend and losing him is no big deal (even though you will feel the lose just the same) but are you ready to be outed - widespread and without the positive spin on the first mention of it?

If you really trust him, no problem, if you are sure that he won't judge you, no problem, if you are wrong, you are out there with a lot of people knowing - if you are ready, no problem.

There you go, see how simple?

That's what you wanted to know, the decission is yours.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest sara w.]

Well Sara,

This is what it all comes down to, how much do you trust this friend?

If you tell him and he does decide to tell everyone esle he wasn't much of a friend and losing him is no big deal (even though you will feel the lose just the same) but are you ready to be outed - widespread and without the positive spin on the first mention of it?

If you really trust him, no problem, if you are sure that he won't judge you, no problem, if you are wrong, you are out there with a lot of people knowing - if you are ready, no problem.

There you go, see how simple?

That's what you wanted to know, the decission is yours.

Love ya,

Sally

I trust him enough that if my family all died and i only had my friends, if i were to go into a coma or something like that i would give him legal authority whether or not to pull the plug

oh and sorry about the typo on the topic i thought my mom was coming down (and like i said i havn't come out to anyone)

[Guest amie]

The best advice, rilly...is to tell a trustworthy girlfriend first.

Start off by tellin' a girl and then move on to tellin' a guy.

I'm glad I did.

[Sally]

I trust him enough that if my family all died and i only had my friends, if i were to go into a coma or something like that i would give him legal authority whether or not to pull the plug

oh and sorry about the typo on the topic i thought my mom was coming down (and like i said i havn't come out to anyone)

Then it would seem that you have made your decision already, go with what you believe is right for you.

And as to the typo, I can't say anything, you've seen my posts and I've even gone back and corrected most of them and I still have typos!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Irielle]

Hi Sara -

Looks like Sally has summed it up with her usual great advice.

If you tell him, be ready for everyone to know. I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said, "It's easy for three people to keep a secret as long as two of them are dead."

No matter what you decide and do, best wishes for you!!!

Big hug from me, Iri

[Guest DeniseNM]

Sara the advice you have been given so far is all dead on, make sure you trust the person before you tell him and then still be prepared for the possibility that he may react negatively although I hope he doesn't (as my grandfather always said hope and pray for the best but prepare for the worst). If you don't trust him even just a little bit hold off on telling him for awhile.

Yeah Ben Franklin said that about secrets and Mark Twain had a similiar one "It is easy to keep a secret if you are the only one who knows it".

Denise

[Guest sara w.]

The best advice, rilly...is to tell a trustworthy girlfriend first.

Start off by tellin' a girl and then move on to tellin' a guy.

I'm glad I did.

i wish i had one :'( i acted like a total guy when i was 10- and when i found out i couldn't act any differently i was already enough of a loner and at that time i cared how people saw me, and i'm trying to act a bit more girlish, but not enough to tip people off entirely, and im trying to make a couple girl friends and right now i only have one, and its might be hard to tell her beacause we have only became decent friends recently, and also she says that she is trans to, and i think im going to tell this guy first and see his input about telling other friends.

Tomorrow is when im planning on telling him, i'll tell you what all happens, and about if im ready for everyone to know, im ready for everyone in my current school to know, i've been ridiculed for most of my life so I'm used to it, and if anyone trys to fight me, well then its a legal issue.

im going to check this topic again in the morning so please keep giving advice

[Guest Evan_J]

Last minute add on:

The "how do you feel about gay people" was a good feeler to see what kinds of views he has but you might wanna follow it more directly "I know you said you don't care about gay people and I don't know if trans people are included in that"..... because in the end it isn't that you're telling him you're gay (presumably), you might as well get a jump start of differentiating them.

[Sally]

I'm offering you my moral support and wishing you the best of luck.

Remember as much as people may feel it isn't so, think of yourself as gender gifted - put a positive spin on it, let him know that it is OK actually a good thing.

If you approach it like you're trying to tell him that one of you is dying by the end of the conversation it can't go well.

Try to be pleasant and don't freak out noticibly if he reacts badly, tell him that you will always be his friend and that you will give him time to think about it.

You want hime to be supportive of you so be prepared to be supportive of him.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest DeniseNM]

Sara you have my support today too and like Sally said try to put a positive spin on it as you come out to him and be positive and upbeat yourself. Be supportive of him as a friend just like you want him to be supportive of you. As to the one girl friend you have, I would suggest going ahead and talking to her about it since you said she has also said she is trans. If she is (and I have no reason not to believe you) then she will understand what all you are going through more than anyone else and you can be there as support for each other. It may also bring you closer as friends. Just my thoughts.

Good luck today and let us know how it turns out.

Denise

[Guest sara w.]

i just sent my friend a wikipedia link of transgenderism and im on msn right now waiting for what he thinks of me this is the conversation so far

me says:

ok when i tell you this you need to promise me somthing

him says:

1 sek k

me says:

no matter what happens even if you end up hating me or somthing do not tell anyone

him says:

ok

me says:

one sec

him says:

u mean 5 min

me says:

lol

him says:

ya

me says:

this is a wikipedia link to what i have, which is also my secret

me says:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

[Guest sara w.]

the rest of the conversation

him sent 2/20/2009 4:03 PM:

k

him sent 2/20/2009 4:04 PM:

so u are a what

me says:

what do you mean

him says:

so u wer a girl

me says:

no

him says:

??????

me says:

trangenderism can appear at birth or later in life

him says:

ex plain

me says:

u need to be 16 to have surgury and u need to be 12 to have hormones, i found out at age 10 and was too chicken to tell my mom

me says:

there arn't that many people who have done that

me says:

its just a recent thing

him says:

so u have both

me says:

no

me says:

thats a-sexual

me says:

i was born a guy

me says:

like i am now

me says:

but i want to be a girl

me says:

thats basicly what it means

me says:

theres male to female (m2f) and female to male (f2m)

him says:

so ur tirning in to a girl

me says:

no, i havnt told my mom yet

him says:

what

me says:

transgenderism is when you are born like any other person exept you WANT to be the other gender

me says:

you dont turn into the other gender

him says:

oooooo

me says:

like right now im a full blow 100% guy i got male organs and all, but i want to be female

him says:

unless u want to

me says:

yeah but u arnt really the other gender

me says:

like if i had all the surgury and everything, i wouldnt produce eggs i wouldnt have a period and i wouldnt be able to be pregnent

me says:

basicly i have a guy's body but a girl's brain

him says:

so do u want to be a g

me says:

girl? yes

me says:

if i had the hormones at 12 years i would look and sound like a girl right now

him says:

wee

me says:

the medicle term for it is gender identity disorder

me says:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_Identity_Disorder

him says:

k i am sorry but i am not reading a enciclopeda u can explain better

me says:

ok imagin someone is born, its a boy

him says:

k

me says:

as soon as they can talk and somone says "good boy" they say "no im a girl"

me says:

its basicly being born one gender and wanting to be the other

him says:

k

him says:

so what has been going on latly

him says:

with u

me says:

nothing really

me says:

you?

me says:

btw puberty years are the most terrifiying for transsexuals

him says:

so whats going on

me says:

imagin if you became a girl and everyone expected you to act like one, liking guys, going shopping, all that stuff, and if you told someone that you were a guy, they might torment you constantly, and even if you did somthing about it you wouldn

me says:

t be a real guy

me says:

thats basicly how it is for people like me.

me says:

nothing right now

me says:

oh and btw its not uncommon for transgendered people to want to kill themselves 50% of all transsexuals have at least one suicide attempt before their 20th birthday

him says:

but cant u do any thing about it

me says:

i can but if i do ill look like a girl with a man chin, broad shoulders, i'd be tall and have a deep voice, basicly id look like a she-man.

me says:

its a long process even if i do, do it.

me says:

which i will, when i legally can

him says:

ill see u when u do

him says:

jk

me says:

lol

him says:

jkjkjk

me says:

so, do you hate me?

him says:

hell no

him says:

but

him says:

one thing DONT TELL (another on of my friends' name here)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

me says:

let me guess he will tell everyone?

me says:

your the first friend that i told.

him says:

that or one person that would

me says:

eventually i'm going to have to tell everyone though.

him says:

thanks :):)

me says:

usually its around 15 or 16

me says:

i'm trying to do it this year, beacause people say the earlier the better

him says:

to do what

me says:

tell everyone

i decided you were trustworthy enough to tell

me says:

it seems like i made the right decition

him says:

thanks:P:)

[Guest shyheather]

well sara i lied the way you handled that task if you handle all decisoins like that and confentations you can do well in life

best of luck young lady

heather

[Guest Little Sara]

I disagree with some things you mentioned to him.

While you may not be genitally female since birth, you are very much female. It's not a desire to be a girl, it's a desire to be*recognized as a girl*, you already are a girl. No need to transition or surgery to be a girl, you only need that to be recognized by others as one (and that matters a lot too).

Not all female persons have menstruations, or ovaries, or uterus, or are fertile. Reducing a person's sex to their reproductivity sounds a bit animal. Being human, someone's sex means a lot more than their mating habits.

[Guest sara w.]

I disagree with some things you mentioned to him.

While you may not be genitally female since birth, you are very much female. It's not a desire to be a girl, it's a desire to be*recognized as a girl*, you already are a girl. No need to transition or surgery to be a girl, you only need that to be recognized by others as one (and that matters a lot too).

Not all female persons have menstruations, or ovaries, or uterus, or are fertile. Reducing a person's sex to their reproductivity sounds a bit animal. Being human, someone's sex means a lot more than their mating habits.

i only said it that way so he would understand without any confusion, alot of people dont get what we go through and i wanted to tell him the general idea of it. If he has any questions about it thats when im going to get more into it right now i dont want to push anything on him.

[Guest Little Sara]

Well, even if its confusing, I take the time necessary and carefully explain. I don't dumb it down as it then confuses them later with a "but didn't you say this?" kind of thing.

[Sally]

It sounds like you picked the right friend to tell, but you knew that.

I hope that you two can remain friends, he seems to be a very open minded person.

You worried so much and it seems like it went well.

Sleep well tonight,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Reducing a person's sex to their reproductivity sounds a bit animal. Being human, someone's sex means a lot more than their mating habits.

If I could make everyone know that my existence would be so much more placid. Unfortunately I (and a few other people) live amidst people who will tell you "you're wrong, that really is all that it is". This is whats wrong with the world.

[Guest mia 1]

Well you did it and now you can exhale. Don't go off telling anyone else just yet.

Let this digest for a couple of weeks and see how things develop with your friend.

Congratulations you DID IT!! Yeah. Mia.

[Guest sara w.]

something kind of funny happened a few days ago, i was in french class, all work done, and i was reading (i usually have my head down on the table, i dont know why its just more comfortable) and i saw a shadow below me, i looked up and it was this kid and he said outload "oops i thought he was (girl's name here)"

first time i was mistaken for a girl, without it being an insult!!!!!!!