Psychological Power Struggle With Bio-guys

[Guest My_Genesis]

This is something I just came to realize in the past week or maybe less. So I've mentioned before this little kid in my hall (whose growth was probably stunted because he used to do gymnastics lol)..that really got to me at the beginning of school because he always walks to the bathroom shirtless to take a shower (a lot of guys do it so I've just had to learn to deal with it...) But it would just bug me that girls would basically be chasing after him and crowding around him all the time like their cute little stuffed animal. It was almost disgusting to me, because I feel like I'm more masculine than he is (at least personality-wise ) yet he's still got girls all over him all the time lol. So like the beginning of this week, this girl in my hall says she thinks he's gay because he said something like "Will Smith is the only guy I would do"..and that she also asked him out and he turned her down. So at first I started thinking "Well I'd never say something like that, because I don't think there's any guy I'd actually want to do" lol. Then at the same time I started hoping he really is gay, because I wouldn't have to feel like I was competing with him for masculinity. So I realized that when straight guys who aren't stereotypically masculine all the time (or at least less so than I am ), I start to compensate for their physical "advantages" in terms of masculinity by trying to compete with them for masculinity personality-wise. And I guess I never really thought about it that much, it's not really something I had much mental control over. But now that I'm aware of it, I should probably try to make it stop like my therapist said lol. That might be difficult though.

What I think helped me realize this was a dream I had the night after this girl had first told me she thinks he's gay....I recently (a few weeks ago) rearranged my room. This other guy comes in a few hours later and says "What did you do to your room? Don't you think you should have put your dresser where your desk is and your desk where your dresser is?" and I just said "uh.." and he goes "yes" and just leaves. And that made me pretty angry, just because I don't like being told what to do, and absolutely hate a guy telling me what to do, or criticizing my decisions in any way. (power struggle much?)...So, with this kid in my hall who I really don't think is gay lol...I had a dream that night that he came into my room while I wasn't here, and just started moving my stuff around. And my roommate was in there just letting him do it all. So when I came in I threw a fit, I started shouting and cursing at him, and telling him to get out of my room, realizing my roommate probably had no idea I had that kind of temper lol. But he was just ignoring me and started doing this little giggle thing - he actually does this when he makes a sarcastic remark that people get mad at him about (usually he says something that a girl takes as an insult and they start trying to slap him and tell him to shut up). So I guess in the dream it was like he thought I was a girl and that giggle meant "What are you gonna do about it, you're just a girl."

I don't really remember how this dream ended, I just remember how I was really angry about what he did.

So guys can do little things like this and it can really make me angry, sometimes I feel like punching them or something to prove (I guess to myself) that I'm more masculine than they are.

And I'll bet if I was physically male this problem would just go away. But until then I don't know if it's something I can stop.

On top of that I get angry about lots of other things as well. I always say anger is my strongest emotion, because I can be really apathetic otherwise.. (*starts thinking "haha I'm less emotional than a lot of guys I know...."*)...And on top of that it's not like I'll be very motivated to control my anger because that also is a "masculine trait."

And please, if anyone says this is testosterone-induced I'll just get really mad and say "But I'm not on T!!! And maybe if I actually had any money I could find out what my natural T levels are!!"

lol.

[Guest Little Sara]

Competing for who is more masculine is a lot more common than you think, even for "bio" guys.

This is a lot of the reason why hate crimes against gay men happen. Not because of their attraction or what they do behind closed doors. But because their being gay means that they are less masculine in the eyes of others (or vice-versa, someone not masculine is assumed to be gay).

[Guest Evan_J]

(get ready to hate me but I'm trying to help)

It is not a testosterone induced feeling and it is not a masculine trait. -Not the way you're executing it anyway. (maybe that'll motivate you) In actuality (yeah I'm bracin for you to tell me off lol) you sound like you're whining and crying in your milk because you're feeling inadequate next to bio guys. QUIT WORRYING ABOUT OTHER MEN. -Caring if they're straight or gay, wether or not girls are fawning over them....who cares. That is way too much to be paying attention to other men about. WHO CARES. Let him do his thing you do yours. Thats all you need to worry about.

Worry about Genesis. Who do you think is sittin around worrying about what men do? Women lol. That ain't you no? Oh , well then don't.

[Guest Zabrak]

I agree with Evan.

And I also agree this kind of thought is connected to how hate crimes start.

You don't need to hate on another guy to prove your point to others. Let him be. I think your doctor is right. If you drop these needs to prove yoruself, these needs to hate on others, these needs to avoid everything female about yourself, you'll be more at peace. I understand HRT will help ease your mind but what happens if you don't let go of these traits? What if you keep hating? Worrying forever about how you act? You'll burn your poor self out. I think the doctor see's this problem too.

Just take a deep breath - let the hate out. Be yourself - dress up, cut your hair, buy yourself a binder/packy and maybe get some male friends. See the good side of them. Do things that help your outside feel better.

[Guest My_Genesis]

I agree with Evan.

And I also agree this kind of thought is connected to how hate crimes start.

You don't need to hate on another guy to prove your point to others. Let him be. I think your doctor is right. If you drop these needs to prove yoruself, these needs to hate on others, these needs to avoid everything female about yourself, you'll be more at peace. I understand HRT will help ease your mind but what happens if you don't let go of these traits? What if you keep hating? Worrying forever about how you act? You'll burn your poor self out. I think the doctor see's this problem too.

Just take a deep breath - let the hate out. Be yourself - dress up, cut your hair, buy yourself a binder/packy and maybe get some male friends. See the good side of them. Do things that help your outside feel better.

I guess I've just been angry for too long....and since all my anger and frustration has been over not being like any other biological male, I take it out on them. Because otherwise I'd just have to keep repressing my anger like I've been doing pretty much my entire life (with the exception of the time when I was like in Kindergarten and threw a stone on this guy's toe...long story lol...if only I could do things like that more often.. ) funny thing is, it's really around gay guys that I feel less threatened, like I don't have to compete with them for masculinity b/c I just don't feel the need to. It's around the straight guys who don't meet a lot of male stereotypes that I actually do meet...that it becomes a problem. I don't know, I'm just tired of being angry and frustrated all the time. And always having this semi-conscious yet strong urge to beat guys up just because they were born as guys

[Guest Evan_J]

You need some catharsis. Seriously. I'm not just trying to be wordy or anything. You need to take up boxing or jujitsu or get a tennis racket and beat the heck out of something you can't hurt (like a mattress- thats actually one of the suggestions in anger management) and do it until the emotion cracks cuz honestly, that's not "jealousy" you're describing at this point its pain. And pain on a person who has a problem with lettin that out easily looks like "anger"; constant almost incontrollable anger.

[Guest Cody_T]

I agree with Evan that you need to work through that. Anger is not good when it's held in, and repressed emotions need to be worked through. I hope it's not too much of an overload, but this topic sort of prompted me to say some things I've been thinking you needed to hear as well.

What I see when I read your posts is a boy who is extremely caught up in everything that he doesn’t have. I know you admit that often, but I don’t think that you accept it. You say that your biggest problems stem from you not being a natal male- I say that your greatest problems come from the fact that you are so completely obsessed with not being a natal male. I understand that. It’s hard coming to terms with the fact that you will never have all of those things that other guys take for granted. It’s painful. And every guy on here has experience with it.

You will never have a lot of things. This is a fact of being trans, but more than that it is a fact of life. You will never be perfect. You have to accept that. Because until you do, all you’re going to do is drive yourself crazy obsessing, like you do, over everything that your lack of physical perfection affects. The truth of the matter is that you are more than your physical imperfections, more than your psychological imperfections. We all are. And as soon as you can overcome them and learn to grow as a person, you’ll be able to move forward.

I don’t think that you’re going to be able to fix anything described in this topic before you learn to see yourself differently. I think that’s why I haven’t seen much change in how you handle or view situations over the last few months. Your jealousy of these guys is not the root of the problem. The root of the problem is your insecurity, and that’s what you need to be changing. All of those feelings you’ve described usually originate from a man not being secure in his own masculinity. Now, I don’t know where your insecurity stems from- your problems you’re your body or actual problems with your masculinity, but I see cause for both. You’re telling us you are masculine- but you’re not showing us. Saying “I’m more masculine than him” does nothing for you or anyone else. And even more importantly, being more or less masculine than him does nothing for you or anyone else. The only thing that is of any value to you or the people around you is how you accept your masculinity- or lack thereof. Once you can do that, you won’t have an issue with other peoples’ masculinity or femininity because it will no longer threaten you. (one caveat, assuming that it's motivated by anger, this should subsist a little once you deal with that. But if not and just in general I feel it's applicable)

Solving your physical hang-ups is just as important. You seem to be compensating a lot by hanging on the physical aspect of things, especially when you keep mentioning that you think you have high T levels or are intersexed based on a lot of arbitrary traits. If you’re going to get your T levels checked, or check for intersex conditions, then do it. And believe me, if you really want to you can find ways around all of your reasons for not yet doing it. You use that as a crutch simply because it is still in the air, and until you have closure on it you’re not going to make any progress. It’s all well and good if you want to spend the next however many years stagnating and taking solace in the fact that you could just maybe possibly have an imbalance. You could probably sustain yourself for a while on the anticipation. But if you want to make progress, you either need to forget about that, or get it done. Whether or not you have a physical situation will not make a difference. Trust me. But waiting for this and wondering about it is just holding you back. You’re so hung up on how your traits reflect your hormones or how much of a guy they make you that you don’t get the chance to actually examine who you are as a person.

Which brings me to- emotions. You brag about being apathetic. I don’t know if you’ve heard this before, but my anatomy teacher once mentioned that she can tell when they guys have a lot of testosterone- when they’re bouncing off the walls. Guys have emotions, tons of them. There is a big difference between how guys and girls express them, but that does not mean that being apathetic is being male. Being apathetic points strongly to depression, or to laziness, or maybe to lack of sleep. What it doesn’t point to is being male. None of your emotions are going to make you male or female for the simple fact that men and women have the same core emotions. I have a little brother and a little sister, and they’re equally as likely as one another to cry or scream or feel bad about themselves, because my brother is still young enough to get away with it. Men don’t seem to have emotions because they’re not supposed to show emotions. That says nothing about how they actually are. Let yourself feel whatever it is you want to feel. You don’t have any reason to be good at masking your emotions because you weren’t raised to do it

Ultimately, you’re never going to make progress unless you tackle the root problems. And it seems to me that you have issues with self acceptance and insecurity. I can’t say how to do it, but you really need to find a way to accept who you are and however masculine or feminine you really are. It’s going to really suck, along the way- but I bet you once you do, you’ll be much happier and more confident.

[Guest bronx]

I totally agree with Evan and Cody, you have some work to do on you.

[Guest Zabrak]

Yup, I'll have to agree with Cody and Evan, too.

It may always be disappointing that you're trans but you need to learn a way to try to cope with it.

Just say - I'm a transboy and I'm proud! You don't have to tell anyone - just yourself.