Questions about being accidently outed.

[Guest Plaid Chameleon]

Hello all, I'm new and I have a couple of questions that I'd like to pose about how to better pass without being outed.

First off, I'm FTM and I find I pass about 80% of the time. All of my friends assume I"m biologically male, the trouble comes in when they ask me to go places. I'm not sure how to handle the bathrooms. That is a hot button issue for me. Because my firends don't know I' have to be careful and the bathroom is something that could out me in ten seconds. I'm terrified to go into a mens room, and I"ve been thrown out of womens rooms...I tend to avoid public restrooms entirely. So there's that.

Actually my main question has to do with names. I cannot legally change my name yet due to family matters. Most of the times I'm outted by my credit card or my student ID. I've got to the LGBT group on my campus about that and they told me there isn't much that can be done because they will not legally change a name on the identification card unless it's on paper. This I cannot provide. I get called by improper pronouns after people see this name which always causes my friends to give me that...look.... Most of the times I shrug it off and walk away but it's happened almost three times now with the same person around and I'm not wanting to lose a friend...or worse. Are there any methods anyone knows of to illude these circumstances or perhaps get around them?

Next question, on the topic of binders. I'm not comfortable using one for health issues. I wouldn't be able to deal with it medically if something went wrong. I"m not at a point in my life where I can medically transition and while I'm not up for hormones for a lot of reasons, top surgery will someday be an option. After my family is no longer to be considered. Now I don't generally need to use anything because I'm lucky enough to pass normally however if the day should ever come I could ware a regular t-shirt without a jacket or overshirt I would be the happiest person alive. It bothers me greatly that I cant wear the clothes I want for that reason. I have a vest that helps but it's black and I have to make sure nobody see's it under my shirt because then I'd get looks. Are there any methods that are SAFE and effective for helping with this issue. That's another thing that can occationally out me although I"m pretty sure it's the name and the hair. I have longer hair but not enough that it could be pulled back. I like my hair that way, I don't really care what other people think about it, not going to cut it, but it's just something else to mention. Any and all advise is appriciated.

thanks.

[VickySGV]

I think the first thing here is to find a construction company that deals in building self esteem!! One place would be the GLBT center that services you college, where you can get some help just on the SE issue or they know someone who can do some of your basic Gender Therapy work, all between classes, and private from the folks. I am full time with a plus, but I was also scared of being "read" which is a synonym for "Outed" and yes it happened, but even when it happened, I began to find it was no big deal if it happened. I have flown on an airplane with Girl image and Boy ID all the way, and people were gracious, or mostly just did not give a flying fig about it. Recently, when I had both Girl looks and Girl ID on another air flight another person who was as easy to read as Dr. Seuss was seated behind me in CD mode, and neither of her seat mates cared a bit.

As far as the restrooms go, boys do not get attacked by other boys for going in and using the throne as its sometimes called. Tell your friends you have a mental quirk about public rest rooms, and could one back you up while you go in and use the stall. Guys do not look at other guys, or talk to them while doing the business, unless they come in talking. After I began HRT, I did use the men's room at work since I was not transitioned there, and I did always use the sit down stall, and no one cared. I would use a family or handicapped rr in your shoes though.

I am not pushing you, but just assuring you it can be done, but it is scary the first few times.

[Charlize]

ID is often difficult. I'm now in the process of changing both my name and gender legally. It is a slow process dealing with courts and bureaucracy. I've lived with my present ID for over a year and a half as a woman. It can be embarrassing but that does pass. At this point i've accepted that living as myself just has acceptance of being outed as part of the territory. It can be awkward but that passes.

Use the stalls in the men's room. Remember that guys don't put the seat down and often (even worse) don't put it up to start with.

Hugs,

Charlie

[KathrynJulia]

Bathroom issues and ID are a strong barrier to get over when you begin transitioning. It takes time to get over feeling self conscious going into the opposite bathroom to the one you grew up using. Now I walk into the ladies room like I own it, but I also remember how I felt when I first started.

One of the most embarassing moments I have ever had was at a resteraunt with a friend who was also in transition. Everything was fine until I gave the server my credit card with his name on it and I was asked for my driver's license as well. It too had my old name on it.

I've gone through legal name change and now that isn't an issue, but when you skip out of the court house to DMV to change your driver's license than the Social Security office to change your name, by that evening, I swear, my face hurt from the big smile on my face. Now everything in my wallet is in my legal name. I also changed the gender on my drivers license by using my doctors letter that you need to change your gender for a new passport. The people at DMV won't make a peep and will change your gender on the spot along with the name change. Good luck Plaid. Your day will come someday too. It's just really hard in the beginning and we all have suffered through it. Kathryn

[JJ]

Sometimes I need to stop and remember how terrifying it was to start using the mens. But I quickly found the men's room 'avoid contact of any kind" unwritten rule really worked in my favor. Some men nod to another man they pass in the doorway but basically no one looks at anyone else. I used an STP and mastered it before I started using the mens room and no one ever thinks there is such a thing so any questions my appearance may have raised in the old days was laid to rest by feet pointing the right way in the stall. I pass 100% now but still don't use urinals. If all the stalls are filled I walk out and wait. Just keep your head up and walk in like you own the place and it will be fine.

Men's bathrooms are not the terrifying place we were raised as girls to believe. Just a sometimes dirty and noisy-but only from noises associated with bodily functions-place to get your business done and get out. In well over 2 years of using exclusively male restrooms I have been spoken to twice. Once when it was crowded and a guy was washing his hands next to where I was washing mine he said something like "Cool shirt man" about my Affliction tee. And once when I headed to get a paper towel to dry my hands a guy walking out said "Good luck in that Dude" because everything was empty. I was so startled both times I literally jumped. I would caution to use restrooms in stores and restaurants and well frequented places that don't serve alcohol as long as you don't pass 100%. Bars and places like that can be a different environment and people can be unpredictable or act outside the norm when drinking. My first foray into the mens room was at a Sams because I thought few would be in there. I was wrong but that actually built confidence because none of the men already there or who walked in noticed me at all. Eventually it just becomes the norm and no big deal to use the men's.

I also do not have my ID changed yet-partly because of where I live and partly for financial reasons because it is expensive here. I have had to give my ID at times and had people look at it and my very obviously female name and still hand it back saying 'Thank you Sir". Last week I had to pick up something I had purchased and they wanted my drivers license before I could pick it up. I just smiled and said "It has a different first name. Long story'. No reaction and no comment. Just another "Thank you Sir". Mostly I figure people think I am using a wife's credit card. And a few times when picking up prescriptions. which have to be in my legal name. I have need told to "Tell her to be sure to read the directions". I grin and agree to tell her. Only in medical situations does my ID require disclosure and it would be necessary anyway. I do have my pic on my DL in male mode and it looks like me. Many times when you need a DL they are looking at pic and date of birth or DL number and nothing else. If they do read the name it is only the last name from my observation. Don't think I ever remember anyone actually reading the whole thing.

Because I have asthma and have had lung damage from many episodes of pneumonia binding more than a few hours a week is not an option. I also exercise and hike a lot where binding would be untenable. But I have found that a pair of athletic compression shirts work well. Even swimming under a rash guard. I only wear Under Armour because they work best. There has been a great deal of scientific research behind the compression shirts and the fabric is designed to let you breathe and move freely while also compressing. I buy a size smaller than I actually am and wear them 10 hours a day often with no problems. I find I do need two to get as smooth a look as I want. I loke a racer back or tank style so I can move freely and then what style I wear over it is determined by season and what I am doing. Great thing about the compression shirts is that they are being worn by everyone right now both during sports-all pro teams from football to baseball wear them year round-and daily wear as well. I'm really badly chest dysphoric and though I know men do have some chest development-on fact I have pecs that took some real adjustment for me-i have to fight the urge to overbind and end up moving and looking unnatural. While men do have some moobs or else pecs they do not have the funny squishy looking lumps that over binding produces. And they move freely. You can't when overbinding either. I have never even seen anyone look at my chest. I walk and talk and act like a man and unless someone is checking how muscular you are in a tight shirt they just don't look at a guy's chest.

A little more than two years ago I went from being correctly gendered only part of the time to 100%in less than two weeks . In that time I did not change my appearance or hair or bind differently. All I did was change my inner attitude and self image. I went from seeing myself as a man with a woman's body trying to pass as a man to a man with physical anomalies just acting like the man I am. A subtle yet enormous difference because it changed my body language completely. If I don't see myself as trying to pass but as a man so will the people I meet. If there is a magic bullet in all of this then it is that. Attitude.

You can take two nearly identical people and dress them the same with the same haircut and one can be hot and the other a total dork-one seem all male and the other questionable all based on what they project from within. On attitude. And the good news is when you tell yourself something you actually make it so. We are always programming ourselves. So that it is self reinforcing. The more confident you tell yourself to be then the more confidant you really become

Johnny