Doubts?

[Guest PizzaShark]

Hey everyone, I'm Gracyn, and I posted a few months ago on how to come out. Although I did it, I had a TON of doubts afterwards. I all the sudden bad the thoughts, "what if this IS a phas? What if Im wrong?" etc.. But the thing is, when I dont verbally talk about it, I'm 99% sure of myself. I dont understand. Now even trying to talk with my mom (who is very supportive) makes me feel uncomfortable. My mom brought up the idea of me being ashamed, and I believe that is at least a part. Idk why I do feel that way, as ky entire family totally supports me, but yet I do. I can't imagine myself as a girl, its always a guy, and I like that. In order to mwke myself feel better, I go play my favorite game, in which everyone believes I am a boy. Its great, until reality hits.

So, overall, I just want to know why I all the sudden have so many doubts and how to make them stop somehow, I just really want to figure out myself. Thanks.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

You know when I came out similar things happened to me.. Not long after part of me really wished I could take it back and I felt ashamed, felt like I was causing more problems for my family (who I was still dependent on at the time). It's kind of scary to have it out in the open, and kind of stressful. For me I did the same thing I went and lost my self in World of Warcraft, where my entire guild and all my friends in game knew me as Sarah. It had been my coping mechanism for a long time and it still was then. I think at the time I felt like it was all so hard, I felt so embarrassed and extremely vulnerable having it all out in the open, so I just wanted to stop and bury my head again.

I had doubt's all the way up until I started HRT and the same kind fears your talking about here.. I was afraid that maybe I was mistaken and what if I ended up regretting it later? It took a lot of soul searching but ultimately I decided that I knew it had plagued me for my entire life since my earliest memories and for me it was worth a shot. A great step for you may be to go to a Therapist who is trans knowledgeable and could help you work through your feelings and decide what the best course for you would be.

I would say from my own experiences that feelings of shame and vulnerability are normal, it just takes some work to sort ones feelings out and be comfortable with your new reality. Like I said a therapist could really help you with this.

[tracy_j]

I do have similar doubts at times. It was so easy when living in a little dream world where everything worked but since being more public I have a tendency to think too hard and visualise problems. Also a number of my friends appear to think it is just a phase I am going through and assume I will change back to how I was. They do not realise that I have always been as I am, but am now more open. They just do not recognise past signs for what they were. I am sensitive so do think about what they say and wonder.

Being one who fantasises a great deal I think the reality and anticlimax of being more open also has its effects on me. Something that means such a great deal to you is unlikely to be viewed in a similar way by others who would be less affected by it.

In time I think how I am now will be natural and looking back will seem strange. I just hope that I have an endpoint where I can relax, but I suppose change is the nature of life!

Maybe a few mixed thoughts but hope they mean a little...

Tracy x

[Charlize]

It is hard to be true to yourself. I think that self seems to change to some extent. I also know that i didn't wake up a different person after coming out. I still was me just presenting as a different gender. I'm beginning to find peace. It has taken time. A GT did help me. I'm glad you have the support you do have as you hopefully will find peace within yourself sooner rather than later.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest]

The doubts are natural and a very good thing. The goal is not to make them stop, the goal is to work through them without fear. We need to do it as a personal inventory to find who we really are. Then we can stop going through useless phases. Or let me say maximize the phases we go through. Large corporations hire an inventory service to help them quickly and efficiently count and tally the assets and liabilities so the company knows where they stand. Gender therapy is like that inventory service. We don't have to wade, wonder and make assumptions of where we stand. That is one very big key to success. GTs can direct our explorations by asking the right questions and helping to interpret the results. We make the decisions ultimately.

Spending time here reading and sharing is also a very good tool. We can only relate what did and did not work for each of us. That is no promise you will get the same result, though it may save you from re-inventing the wheel. You will have good things to share with others too, so we all gain something. That, and the comfort of family of sorts. We speak your language.

Another tool I always recommend is to study the gender we want to present. From birth, small children, adolescence, adulthood through to old age. we will fall somewhere in that scale and will be moving on to old age. It costs nearly nothing for you to make that study. You have to tell no one about your study. Just study the people. It will help you study yourself in your inventory. To do it thoroughly, it will take up a lot of your time. But no worries the journey isn't instant coffee no matter how much or fast we want it. What are the social issues? What are the health issues? What are the survival and acceptance issues? Not to mention many more. Think it through on good information and make good decisions.

We are hugely outnumbered by genetic people that are comfortable in their own skin. We are not, but we must blend in and function. This is in a large group that is threatened when they see that we can find who we are and morph into that being. Sort of like the fear of sorcery in past times, no need to set ourselves up for a witch burning. We are the ambassadors to changing peoples minds about our prosperity and survival. So there is a whole lot riding on your journey to transition, or not to transition that is not to be taken lightly.

It is horrible when someone does not make that effort and then two or three years into hormones they find they had made a huge mistake. The undo is far worse than the do. When you have those doubts, don't suppress them, explore them. That is the best I can offer, your mileage may vary. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest PizzaShark]

You know Sarah, it seems we are quite similar! The game I was talking abilout was actually World of Warcraft, and I love it when they all call me he. He just feeks right, y'know? We seem to have similar thoughts as well with our doubts, and I find it comforting knowing that therenare others who are facing/faced this challenge.

Thanks tracy and Charlie, I find that I can also make connections through your posts.

Jody, thanks for the new perspective on my doubts, I'll make sure to do a study and really try to explore my doubts.

Most of all, I believe I'll have to gather up some courage to ask my mom to sed a therapist, I believe you are all right with that. Thanks again.

[Guest Sarah Faith]

I definitely understand where you are coming from, MMOs specifically World of Warcraft was kind of my place of refuge for many years. My online life as my self was the only thing that got me by through my teenage years, and I've made many lasting friends from WoW. So I definitely like the game, even today while I am crazy busy getting ready for college I still play when I can.

I think everyone has doubts on some level even if they never admit them. I was personally a bit surprised, I had never in my life felt or viewed my self as my birth sex and yet I felt vulnerable and ashamed having it out. Wanting to take it back and go back to "normal", I don't think I really felt comfortable until I had seen a therapist my self and came up with a plan to lose weight and get things going in the right direction. So it's great that you are thinking of taking that step, it will help you get on the right track for you, whatever that may be.