A New Kid On The Block

[Guest Sydney_W]

Well, I've been lurking around here for a week or so and finally decided to join. The cookies and things were inviting.

I'm a pre-treatment FTM, aged just a couple of months shy of 21. In addition to my self-diagnosed Gender Identity Disorder, I've been clinically diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (an autism spectrum disorder), OCD, and occasional dysthymia. I've been going through behavior therapy, so with the GID aside, things have been getting better. Of course, my journey's far from over. Although officially undecided on a new name, I rather like the name Sydney. But on the internet almost everyone calls me W. No relation to Mr. Ex-President.

The process of really digging up my gender identity began on the internet, of all places. In an odd way, it's almost related to how I got that nickname in the first place, lol.

About five years ago, I joined a massive Lord of the Rings message board, which was an off-shoot of the shiny Official Movie Fanclub Board and Geek Retreat. Asperger's turns people into socially clueless, obsession-prone nerds, so this site was pretty much my entire social life. Now, at the time I knew I'd brought up my (supposed) gender somewhere on the forums, so after a few months, I was surprised when one kid asked me what I was. I cracked up and told her to take a wild guess. I think she said something like, "lol ur either a 10 yr old girl or a woman in ur 20s or 30s, or a little old lady, or a rly wierd guy." This was awesome. I said, "I'm not a little old lady, I'll tell you that much." And I left it at that.

During the time that I remained on that board, I never gave away my gender. Eventually I tired of LotR and the people on that site became too easily offended by trivial things ("Don't you think it's a little odd that the guy you're in lust with is older than your dad?" "STOP HARASSING ME!1!") But I moved on to other sites with curiosity. Ever since then, my internet presence involved an experiment: if I entered an online community without ever indicating my gender or even mentioning it in passing, how would people react? The results have forever changed my self-perception.

I didn't spend a very long time at the next site (the people were the polar opposite of the Rings nerds, in a bad way), but I did notice that they mostly called me "he" and assumed that I was male. By this time I was finishing high school, and as an aspiring illustrator and graphic novel creator, my friends pushed me to join deviantART.com.

(At that time I was going around using the handle "Wicked Noise" [an obscure Jhonen Vasquez reference], but when I tried to register for dA.com, it was taken. So was my alternative, "Noise Pollution". I was already paranoid about joining the site, so I frantically started throwing the two names together until I spat "WNoisePollution" into the system, and it worked. Now I was stuck with a handle that would end up confusing people, until friends started just calling me "W". I've used the one-lettered name ever since. Naturally, I was annoyed when the movie W. came out. )

In any case, I went into dA with no mention of my gender and a drawing style that most people curiously perceived as androgynous. After over two years, no one on that site knows what I am unless I have told them. And while I went into the experiment expecting to be amused (and I was), the most surprising result was how other people's reactions affected me.

At first people didn't bring it up that much, but after a month or two they noticed that there was no general agreement or assumption amongst them and that I hadn't said a word about it. Friends and acquaintances would ask me about it playfully or even mention it in their journals ("I don't know what this person is, but I'll call them a s/he"). When I made a poll after five months, the results were half and half. But it took me a while to realize that I didn't enjoy doing this just because it was fun to confuse people, but also because I liked it when people thought I was a guy. I would soak up the "he"s and "him"s, and the "she"s annoyed me. I felt the need to correct people when they thought I was female, and if I thought about that too much, I would feel like I had to correct myself, that technically I was female, according to my body. I couldn't admit that I didn't like it, that indeed, I hated it. I loved being on dA because of the freedom of gender that it gave me; as I realized later, I actually loved the ability to be a man. After a while of this, when people asked me if I was a man or a woman, I honestly didn't have a response for them. I was confused.

[At this point, I've procrastinated from writing this for a few days. Oh my goodness, where was I.]

Uh. I think I was gonna talk about my ex. Let's talk about my ex for a little bit. I ended up in a relationship with a girl I'd met through deviantART who lives several states away (despite the fact that I had buddies who'd done the long distance thing and I didn't want to go through that pain of separation). During the first two weeks of knowing her, she assumed that I was male and we interacted as such. When she said she wanted to call me on the phone, I freaked. She was going to hear my voice. I didn't want to tell her the "truth" because I was ashamed of being female and didn't want the thrill of being myself to go away. It turned out that telling her was a step in the right direction for us, and we enjoyed a long and eventful bi-lesbian relationship. Oddly, I still was in a weird, gender-neutral role in the couple. I later realized that when I told her the "truth," my specific wording was revealing: I said that I "wasn't a guy" because it was too painful for me to say "I'm a girl" (even as I type this I notice the emotional difference). In hindsight, I recognize a lot of my behavior in the relationship as signs of GID. But there were a few things blocking me from fully recognizing my gender identity.

One, my sexual orientation: I'm bisexual or pansexual or polyamorous, whatever you want to call it (my own term is "whateversexual"). For a long time, I couldn't tell the difference between which traits I was attracted to and which traits I desired in myself. I still get confused about this occasionally, but I don't stress about it and figure that it'll become clearer once I transition. In the meantime, my philosophy is that my attractions can be varied and can sometimes overlap, as long as I'm happy in the long run. But this wasn't the case two years ago. I think the fact that both characteristics exist in me has made it more difficult to distinguish between them in the past, and ultimately blurred what they really were. I wasn't able to figure out the basics of my orientation and gender identity until I was eighteen and twenty respectively. Considering that the process takes decades longer for many people, I'm pretty lucky.

Second is the fact that I'm an artist. Kind of like the orientation deal, I like the look of women's bodies aesthetically. But then, so do a lot of gay men (the key word here being "men"). People have always called me pretty, which was an ego boost whether I was truly female or not. Eventually, I came to realize the difference between liking the way my body looked in feminine clothes and makeup, and the way in which I wanted to present myself and have people see me. Sure, I look good as a chick, but it's not me, it's not right for me. It was fine when I looked in the mirror, but otherwise, looking like that was horrible for me. When people started to assume that that was my personality, I felt like they were thrusting a feminine personality upon me. I felt pathetic that way, and as a result I started to act like it. Of course, I don't want to wear men's clothes just to have other people see me as male; we all know that gender dysphoria is far deeper than that, it's the sense of self. This little piece of the conflict was inadvertently perpetuated by my ex-girlfriend, who thought I was attractive as a female. When I occasionally sent her a picture of myself, she would remind me that I looked good, but in the long run, that ego boost couldn't compensate for the fact that it was hard for me to look myself in the face in those pictures. I could never bring myself to smile while taking them. Now, when I look in the mirror without my men's clothes on, I feel that the person I see looks good, but that that person isn't me. I have never truly looked in the mirror and seen myself, and that is the truly important thing that I'm missing out on.

Thirdly, for the longest time, I assumed that my thoughts of wanting to be male were wrong, I was a girl, and that was that. I hadn't given a "sex change" much thought or really knew why people did it. I remember being fascinated by a documentary I saw several years ago about an FTM whose identical twin was a cissexual female, giving fodder to the natal hormone wash theory. But I forgot about it until my ex talked to me about an FTM friend at her school. I specifically remember her saying, "He once told me, 'I think breasts and hips are beautiful and everything, but just not on me.' I can't imagine how horrible it must be to wake up every day hating his body... I'm lucky, I dunno, I like being a girl." At the time I was just irritated that she liked being a girl (I used to get mad at her for stupid reasons, 'cause I was depressed and bombing my college grades and dealing with all this crap) and I didn't know exactly how much I could relate to her friend. I looked in the mirror while talking to her to see if I disliked it the way he had. I couldn't come to a good conclusion, ironically, because I couldn't look at myself for very long. But that was the big first step. Over the next year and a half I really dove into the research about it, and as much as I thought that being androgynous would make me more balanced as a person, I had to admit that I was closer to being male than that. That and my parents' insistence that gender-weirdness is just a part of Asperger's, etc... I didn't know about GID for a long time.

...I think I'm finally running out of wind, lol. There was more that I wanted to get into but I can't think of it right now, so I'll leave you all with that... novel. Some other random info about me: I like drawing quirky characters and letter art, macabre, and satire, and hopefully I'll draw the stories that I write. I've dabbled into macrame, crocheting and knitting (real manly, aw yeeeah), and I have three fourths of a mask done. Music inspires me out of my skull, but I can't write a tune to save my life, so I draw the music to the best of my ability. Favorite bands include Slipknot, Insane Clown Posse, Mr. Bungle, and Faith No More (don't worry, nobody else has heard of the last few, either). Other than metal and rap metal, I'm interested in getting into some swing, doo-wop, motown, country and reggae, but don't know where to start. I love the bizarre and obscure. I love swearing, but around here I'll try to keep the cuss switch turned off. I like making fun of that 1950's, "golly gee willickers!" stuff. I grew up playing Nintendo but have more recently indulged in World of Warcraft (I am not an addict). I have a bad tendency to procrastinate doing anything and everything, but I'm working on fixing that. I've liked bladed weapons and rugged leather boots since I was a wee child. I like talking about myself. I like some old stuff. Cyborgs are cool. I love carnivals and amusement parks and have a particular affection for angry clowns. I like animals and have a soft spot for puppies. Time travel stories are cool, so "Lost" is awesome. I really like talking about myself. I like Pez. I like reading the ingredients on the backs of food packages.

And if you've read all of this, I like YOU.

Until next time,

W

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome to Laura's Playground, Sydney_W

I like this term "whateversexual".

[Guest matthew41]

Hey Sydney,

Welcome to the Forums. Glad to know I am not the only one who reads the ingredients on food packages.

I won't offer baked goods, there are others here with those talents. There are a great bunch of guys here that you will fit right in with.

Matt

[Guest Jackson]

Wow. That was just ... cool.

Yeah, I like the term "whateversexual" too. Doesn't fit me. I thought it might have once, but I was wrong.

Welcome, Sydney W.

[Guest mia 1]

Well Sydney. Here you are and no milk,cocoa or cookies the chefs are out tonight celebrating Mardi Gras.

Let me offer you the goodies.

It seems you already have taken off your shoes and like you said you've been around for awhile. Well now you are officially part of the family. and you've carved out a niche as a whateversexual. so enjoy the pioneer status... Enjoy the refreshments you're right at home.......Mia

[Guest Sydney_W]

Hey, thanks for the welcome, everybody. I didn't think I'd get this many responses already. 8D

Hahaha, I'm glad my terminology got a warm reception, too. I should use that word more often.

Aw crap, after all my high school French classes, I forgot about Mardi Gras. I should eat. I'm underweight.

[Sally]

Well, I read your introduction and I was all set to welcome you to the forums and bring you my famous double chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa, but then I read your response and found out that you were underweight and I got so depressed that I ate all of the cookies!

Don't worry, I have a fresh batch just for you and they are still warm.

Have a great time here, wonder around and ask questions and just see what's going on, you can take some cookies with you no one will mind.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Sydney_W]

Wow. That was just ... cool.

Yeah, I like the term "whateversexual" too. Doesn't fit me. I thought it might have once, but I was wrong.

Well dang, I didn't expect to be cool already. D8 Thanks, bro.

Whateversexual or not, it's all good.

Hey Sydney,

Welcome to the Forums. Glad to know I am not the only one who reads the ingredients on food packages.

Lol, I was quoting (or paraphrasing?) a line from "Hey Arnold," didn't really expect anybody to get it, though.

Although I do read those things. I try not to eat something I can't pronounce.

Well, I read your introduction and I was all set to welcome you to the forums and bring you my famous double chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa, but then I read your response and found out that you were underweight and I got so depressed that I ate all of the cookies!

Don't worry, I have a fresh batch just for you and they are still warm.

Have a great time here, wonder around and ask questions and just see what's going on, you can take some cookies with you no one will mind.

Love ya,

Sally

WAT.

My COOKIES. You eated dem.

I mean... Don't get depressed, I gained almost ten pounds since last year. I had the "freshman 15" in reverse. I'm taking a long break from college and I'm getting my appetite back. See, the good news outweighs the bad AND me.

Speaking of which, I need a snack. I think I'll take you up on that freshly-baked offer. I wish I could smell them. Thanks, Sally!

Two more posts 'til I can PM people, yes?